Expectant Hope

It's A New Year...Finally!

2012-01-01T09:32:00.000-06:00

Happy 2012! My prayer this year is that it is way better, less painful, more joyful, less loss, more laughter than 2011. But my verse I'm trying to focus on this year is Job 1:21. Whether the Lord gives or takes away, blessed be His name. Trusting that His plans far outweigh my own. And I've decided I'm done making New Year's resolutions or trying to "fix" myself...because I'm me and I will always be me. At 38 I'm finally accepting that and embracing the person God created me to be.

So, with that being said, I've made a "Things I Want To Do" list for this year. Along with not making resolutions, I also don't want to make a bucket list. I'm one of those people who has to work in small increments...lose 10 pounds at a time, complete one assignment at a time, make a list and focus on taking care of each thing one at a time. If not, I get overwhelmed and sit spinning my wheels. And if I make a bucket list, I'll keep putting off doing the things on it. So, my new goal is to make a list of things I want to do for the year.

This post is probably a little less "spiritual" than my usual blog posts. At least in the sense that I am not focusing on a specific verse or song or whatever. But I believe God is God even of the mundane, simple, everyday things of life, too. And once you see this list...you will realize I'm going to need a miracle to accomplish some of these... :) So here goes... (This is in no particular order.)

1. Trust God more. Stop doubting that He has my best interests at heart. He WILL give me the desires of my heart...in HIS time. Knowing that He has not forgotten me, and He knows the number of the hairs on my head. Even when I don't believe it...even when I doubt it...even when worry sets in. This is going to require a LOT of prayer and seeking Him...especially in those times when life doesn't make sense.

2. Go Ziplining. Now if you know me, you are probably shaking your head and saying, "What??" Yes, I am afraid of heights. But I also know this looks exhilarating and fun. And part of that goal of trusting God more includes not being afraid anymore. So I want to go ziplining. Anyone want to go with me?

3. Take a trip to Seattle. I've always wanted to go...amazing music and art scene. And I have a friend who lives there and has invited me numerous times to come visit. But I always find an excuse to put it off. Not this year. If I can afford it, I'm going. So Sang...get ready, cause here I come!

4. Buy a bicycle and start riding. I've been wanting to buy a good bike for awhile now. I was always afraid to ride down my road back home because we lived in the country and people drove like crazy people down our road. However, now that I've moved, I know there is a biking trail close to where I live. I would love to find someone to ride with...because it's always more fun and safer with a friend. But even if I don't...I'm going to push myself to do it anyway. Which is another part of that first goal of trusting God more...not being afraid to do things by myself...or maybe that needs to be a goal all of it's own...so...

5. Not being afraid to get out and do things on my own. I'm a shy person by nature. I just do better when I have someone to do something with. But life has turned out that I am on my own often. So I would like to push myself to get out there. Whether it's going shopping, riding my bike, trying a new church, going to a movie or concert or show, going to eat at Olive Garden if I get a craving for it...whatever it is...to not be afraid to do things by myself from time to time.

6. To be more active, lose weight and get healthier. This is often a goal, but this year I'm trying to change my mindset so it sticks this time. I'm starting Nutri System to help jumpstart this and plan on making activity part of each day...not necessarily formal exercise. Because I hate to exercise. But if I can make it fun...like walking with a friend or riding a bike or whatever...I'm more apt to do it. I'm not getting any younger and I've got to take care of myself. I'm also approaching it from the standpoint that my body is the temple of the Lord...and filling it with crappy food and not being active is a sin. I've got to do better with this. And I feel better when I'm healthy.

7. Go abseiling. Again, if you know me, this has you scratching your head. But it looks very cool! If you don't know what this is...it's basically rappelling down the side of a cliff. I don't know if I can do it, but it looks so empowering to try. So again, any takers who want to go with me? I know I need to take care of #6 before I can try this one...

8. Declutter and organize. I am the queen of clutter. I mean, I keep my apartment clean and try to put everything in its place. But I'm also a stacker. I keep stuff in stacks...and I know exactly what stack something is in. But I'm trying to work on this. A fellow music therapist introduced me to the 2012 Declutter and Organize Calendar. And she started a group on Facebook where we can talk about it! This helps you do one thing each day so that hopefully by the end of the year you are organized and the clutter is gone. This has always been a losing battle...but not this year. As my life gets busier, I need more order to function. And if you know me, you know how OCD, ADD and Type A I am. :) So this will be a wonderful thing!

9. Complete my guest room. I have a spare room that right now houses the boxes I have yet to unpack (see #8). This year I want to take some time to clean it, decorate it and set it up. It will kind of double as an office, too. That way when my dad or Bryce and Noah or whoever comes to visit (and you better come visit) they have an actual room with a bed to stay in.

10. Find a creative outlet for singing, playing and sharing music. I would love to find a group of people to hang out with and just jam with. I learn so much when I just play with other musicians. I'm not that great on guitar, but I'm improving. And I love to sing. So I want to find some folks who share my passion for music and who just like hanging out and jamming. And maybe even do a performance or two...

11. Get back to writing songs. When I was younger, I used to write songs all the time. Granted, they weren't always good. But I loved it and it helped to get stuff out rather than stuff it. So this year, I want to get back to writing. Now that I'm a much better guitar player...well the fact that I actually play now...I want to make writing songs a priority. Even if no one else hears them, I'll know I wrote them. And maybe one day God will bless me with the opportunity to share them.

12. Begin some type of volunteer/community work. My dream is to one day open my own music therapy/counseling practice and provide services for people living in poverty, struggling with addiction and who are affected by HIV/AIDS. I did some music groups with children at Hope House in Memphis, TN for about a year. These kids touched my life so deeply, and God used this opportunity to show me His heart for people struggling with these things. I'd love to also have some type of community center for children affected by these things, as well. So, if I'm going to do this one day, I need to get out there and learn and meet people and start doing my part to make a difference. I still want to work with people with intellectual disabilities, too...and I know that those with disabilities who are also affected by poverty don't have the resources they need. So this year, I want to find somewhere to volunteer some time and music therapy services and give back.

13. Start looking into adoption. This is a biggie! My life is nowhere near where I thought it would be at 38 years old. The plan was to be married and have at least 4 kids by now. But I make plans, and God laughs. Because He has something so much better. But here I sit desperately wanting to be a wife and a mother...and I don't see either one in the near future. The wife part? I can't really do anything about that...well, I could...but I don't believe in getting married just to get married, and I'm picky and refuse to settle for less than God's best for me. So I guess I'll just have to trust He'll give me that desire of my heart at some point...hopefully sooner than later...but I'll just have to wait and see. As for the mother part? That, I can do something about. I really do believe that a child should have two parents if at all possible. However, I also know there are children out there who need a good home, and I know I would be a good mom. So, I'm praying about this and weighing my options. I've wanted to adopt a little girl from China for years now...and even started the process awhile back. But due to finances and life circumstances it just didn't happen. So I'm going to look into that again. I also would love to adopt a child with Down's syndrome or special needs. Yes, I know it is a life long commitment...but I know I can do it. Especially if God calls me to do it. Who knows? Maybe God will bring me someone wonderful along the way and we can do this together (and maybe have one of our own)...but if not, I'm not going to let that stop me. God knows His plans...and I will trust Him.

14. To do better at applying myself in grad school. It still sounds weird that I'm even in grad school. And I haven't done badly. I just want to do better and apply myself more and stop procrastinating assignments. Of course, I also accept the fact that being a procrastinator is just part of who I am, and I always do better work under pressure. But that also brings a lot of unneeded stress. So I'm going to work on that.

15. Go parasailing. Again. I have been once, and it was amazing! My fear of heights totally disappeared. It was the most peaceful and beautiful experience...kind of like what I imagine it would be like if you could fly. Again, I'll be glad to have someone go with me!

16. To update my blog on a more regular basis. The reason I started this blog in the first place was because I love to write, or rather NEED to write. And I felt God leading me to share with others what He has shown to me. My hope is that the reader will find at least one sentence that helps them in some way. I know there have been times I've gone through something and just being able to know someone else has been there too has been what got me through it. We are not alone in this journey of life. The Bible tells us we are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses that cheers us on. And I believe we are to help each other along this journey. So if even one person has their spirits lifted, finds an answer, feels less alone...I've accomplished my goal in writing. So I want to make a commitment to update more.

Well, that is the list! As I've written, it's grown. And it is a lot to accomplish in a year. But with God's help, I know I can do it. See, it's more about what His plans are for me anyway. This past year has shown me that. The last few years have been tough...full of pain and loss and hurt. But there have also been good moments...times of laughter and joy and new things. God makes beauty out of the ashes of this life.

I hope that 2012 will be a year full of the beauty God is making out of my ashes and out of your ashes. Happy New Year!

The One Who Gives and Takes Away

2011-12-29T20:40:00.000-06:00

For 2012 I decided that, instead of making New Year's resolutions that I never keep, I'm making a "Things I Want To Do This Year" list. I will write a post just on that list next week. But as I started making the list I began to reflect on this past year and on the person I am becoming. And let me tell you, this past year has been one heck of a year! One I do not care to revisit anytime soon.

A couple of weeks ago, I found a live webcast of The Story. I had honestly never heard of this but Max Lucado and Steven Curtis Chapman were a part of it, along with several of my other favorite Christian artists, so I knew it had to be good. So for the next three hours I weeped, laughed, thought. And God began doing something in me. Now, I'm not one who believes in coincidence. I'm one of those annoying people who believes there is a reason for everything and that nothing happens by chance. Sometimes this can be a good thing. But sometimes it does cause me to read into stuff way too much. But I'm working on that.

Anyway, the music and videos used in the presentation were so powerful. I immediately downloaded the CD and ordered the book (which is the Bible in story form). And while I watched Steven Curtis perform, I remembered all his family had been through with the loss of his daughter and remembered that his wife, Mary Beth, had written a book about it. So along with The Story I also ordered her book Choosing To See and his album Beauty Will Rise. Little did I know how God would use that book and this music to touch my life, to bring healing, to increase my faith and strength, to speak to my heart like never before.

In my previous post I recapped the year and talked about all our family had been through during 2011 as well as some personal stuff I dealt with. I won't rehash all that here...you can read the previous post for details. However, 2011 has left me hurt, raw, emotional, broken, confused, angry, questioning, doubting and wondering what in the world God was doing. But it has also brought a deeper faith than I have ever known as well as comfort and peace and healing.

Along with losing three close family members within six months of each other, my dad having surgery and making a major life change with a move, new job and school, I also dealt with an issue in my personal life. It wasn't anything earth shattering. Nothing that doesn't happen to everyone else at one point or another. But it rocked me to my core...more than I wanted it to and way more than I expected it would.

In the early moments of this heartache I kept thinking it was like God had given me exactly what I had been praying for, the desire of my heart and exactly what I wanted. And then it was like He snatched it back and said, "nope I was only joking." And I kept telling myself, "God doesn't work like that." Surely, God, who loves me more than I can comprehend and who works all things out for my good wouldn't take away this precious gift. God doesn't give you something and then take it away. Or does He....

It took awhile for me to get the answer...not the one I wanted to hear...but the one I needed to hear. The issue I faced reared it's ugly head at the end of October, hid for a few weeks and then came back with a vengeance at the end of November. I felt as though I'd been the butt of a really cruel joke...you know the kind where everyone in the room knows what is going on except you? Yeah, that was me. However, exactly a week after that awful night, at about the exact same time, The Story live webcast aired. Coincidence? Not a chance!

About halfway through the webcast I was already in tears. And then the song "Broken Praise" was sung. It was the song that represents Job and his story. I have never heard a song so raw and so real that fully expressed how I felt...not only after this bad moment but how I'd felt many times since my mom died in 2008 and certainly how I'd felt many times this past year. But there was a line in the song that says, "You are the one who filled my cup and You are the one who let it spill so blessed be Your holy name if You never fill it up again." And there was the answer. Not what I WANTED to hear, mind you, but what I NEEDED to hear.

Last week I got Mary Beth's book and Steven's CD in the mail. If you do not know, they lost their daughter in a tragic accident in 2008...a few weeks before my Momma passed away. I remember reading some of Mary Beth's posts and comments and felt I really connected with her. We were both going through a similar pain...a loss that was beyond words. And she got it. She felt what I was feeling. I've started reading the book this week...and four chapters in, I'm already crying. As I read, I feel in parts I am reading my own story. I've also been listening to Steven's CD non stop.

On the CD all of the songs are songs that have to do with loss and healing and trusting God even in the dark moments when you don't want to. There is one song called "Faithful" and it has a line that says, "You are faithful. When You give and when You take away even then still Your name is faithful....and with everything inside of me I'm choosing to believe You are faithful." And again, came a reminder of that answer I needed.

Job 1:21 says, "...the Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." Now I have not experienced tragedy and loss of Job's proportion. But I have experienced a lot of it lately. And I know I'm not alone.

See, God has used all of these situations and circumstances and songs and books and webcasts to speak a real truth to me. One I don't always accept willingly. God is God. He is sovereign. And He DOES give and He DOES take away. So my flawed belief...the one that told me that surely He wouldn't bring this seemingly wonderful person into my life who appeared to have all the qualities I wanted and then take them away just as quickly in such a hurtful way....that belief didn't hold water anymore. God does what He knows is best. That doesn't mean I have to like it. It doesn't mean I have to understand. It doesn't even mean I have to agree it's right at the time. But God knows what He is doing and He is in control.

And not only in this seemingly (in light of everything else that has happened) insignificant event. But also in the sudden and unexpected loss of loved ones. Or whatever we face in this life. God has shown me that I have a part in His story. And so do you. And so has everyone who has gone before us and everyone who will come after us. We are all running this race together. II Corinthians 1:4 says, "(the God of all comforts) who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." It is these common things of life...the pain, the joy, the loss, the crazy, that bind us together as human beings. And that point us back to the One who holds it all in His hands.

I want so many things in this life, but up until here recently I have been afraid. Afraid to really live. Always seeing the glass as half empty rather than half full. Afraid of what could happen. Always waiting on the other shoe to drop. Afraid to be happy because of what could go wrong. I question why God hasn't given me the desires of my heart yet. I get angry and sometimes jealous when I see friends who seem to be getting the very things I long for and wonder when it will be my turn.

But that is not living in faith. Living in faith means trusting the God who gives and who takes away...and praising His name regardless of what He chooses to do. Living in faith means knowing He has our best interests at heart and that He IS working all things out for our good. And sometimes it means He may have to take away...maybe to teach a lesson, maybe to draw us to Him, maybe to show us what we truly want and need versus what we thought we wanted and needed. But He gives so much more abundantly than we could ever imagine.

I'm still trying to figure out what the purposes of the trials of this life are. I may never know this side of heaven. But I know God is faithful. And I choose to say, "Whether the Lord gives or takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord." It's not easy. It doesn't come without struggle and tears. It doesn't come without questions and doubt. But He is faithful.

In the song "Beauty Will Rise" are these lyrics: "This is our hope. This is the promise that it would take our breath away to see the beauty that's been made out of the ashes...Out of these ashes, beauty will rise. We will dance among the ruins. We will see with our own eyes." Another song "I Will Trust You" says, "and I know Your plans for me are much better than my own."

If we could only see as God sees. If we could see the bigger picture. If we could see what awaits us in Heaven one day and see how all these loose ends tie together, how He's weaving it all into a great tapestry. If we could see all the dreams He is dreaming in us and for us and through us. If we could just see that His plans blow ours out of the water. But we can't yet see, so we have to trust and hope and praise His name...especially when He gives...and even when He takes away.

(If you have suffered loss or are currently going through a difficult time, I would suggest you listen to Steven Curtis Chapman's Beauty Will Rise CD. It has been a great help in beginning the healing process...even of hurts I have stuffed down for a long time.)

Here are some songs that God has used greatly in my life in the past month...some are from The Story and some are from Beauty Will Rise. I know I posted a bunch...but they are all worth listening to. I pray they will bless you as they have me.

Faithful

Broken Praise

I Will Trust You

Our God Is In Control

Who But You

Beauty Will Rise

What A Year!

2011-12-08T19:18:00.001-06:00

The title of this post says it all...what a year! In all my almost 38 years, I don't think I've ever experienced so many ups and downs, so much joy and pain all in one year. I normally wait to post my "end of the year" blog closer to the end of December. But today has found me in a reflective mood and so I felt like writing.

I have not blogged as much this year, and for that I apologize. I really do love posting here but life has gotten in the way a little. One of my goals for next year is to get back to this blog. I'm not sure if it blesses anyone or if anyone gets anything from it, but it serves as my own personal journal of reflection. And I pray with each post it will touch someone somewhere...I figure if God has shown me something, He expects me to share it to possibly pass it along to someone else.

So back to this year. Today I woke up with such a feeling of peace, contentment, excitement about the future and true joy. Which is odd considering the year I've had. But for the first time in my whole life I think I am finally truly learning to be content in all circumstances. (Philippians 4:11-13) Truly content. Wholly trusting in God no matter what is going on.

This year began much like any year but quickly hit hard, fast and furious. I made the decision to leave my job of nine years, my family and friends and move four hours away to start a new job and begin grad school. It was a tough decision that was made after many hours of prayer and tears and thought. But I knew God was leading me to make a change, make a move and to step out in faith like never before. So I listened and followed...terrified I would fall flat on my face. So I began making plans to give my notice and make the move.

In the process, I began looking for a job. Dr. Cotten and I put in for a grant that would allow me to do contract music therapy in the Hattiesburg area. This way I could work my own schedule and go to class at night. I prayed a lot about this...I mean, I wanted to be able to eat and have a place to live so money was a necessity. And then we received word. We didn't get the grant. So on to plan B. I was getting down to the wire...not wanting to turn in my notice at Baddour until I had a job secured and I was nearing the deadline to apply for grad school. I needed a job and needed it now! At seemingly the last moment, Dr. Cotten called with a job possibility. I came down here and interviewed and was offered the job. God knew all along what His plan was...but I believe this was the beginning of this test of faith that this year has turned out to be.

My new job has turned out to be a challenge but to be so rewarding. And it has brought some wonderful new friends into my life. Friends who have been exactly what I needed over these last few months. Friends who have accepted me as I am. I truly love the people I work with and know they are there if I ever need anything.

I had the job...now on to get accepted to grad school. Which meant I had to take a test! I do not like tests...especially standardized tests on computers. I consider myself of average intelligence, but these tests freak me out. So again, I prayed. A lot. And again God was faithful. I passed with flying colors and got the score I needed to get into school. So I was on my way. My family was healthy and doing well...so I didn't have hesitation about leaving and moving away.

See, I had stayed close to home all these years to be close to my parents. My mom was sick for so many years...the result of the horrible affects of diabetes on her body. Heart surgeries, congestive heart failure, depression/anxiety, her body just getting tired and giving out. And I wasn't going anywhere. I wanted to be close to be there for her and my dad and help however I could. Which is what you do for your family. So after she passed away, after I began to heal from that loss, I began to think about my own life and my own dreams and what I wanted to do. And so plans were made. My dad was in good health, my granny was doing well and the rest of my family appeared to be doing well, too.

And then once again, life hit. In April, my granny was admitted to the hospital with an apparent heart attack and had to have a stint put in. We were worried but she pulled through and was back to her old self in no time. The very next day, as Granny was in ICU, my aunt came to the ER. She had been having major pain in her knee for awhile and had gotten to the point she had to use a wheel chair to get around. They had run tests and done x-rays and thought it was gout. However, on this day, our world began to cave in even more. They did an x-ray on her knee. I remember sitting in the waiting room and my cousin, Kimmie, coming out grabbing me and telling me to call her sister and then collapsing outside. Cancer. Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer. It was everywhere.

Over the next couple of months, God used my Aunt Brenda to witness and share His love with everyone who came to visit. But she was very sick and the prognosis wasn't good. Such devastation. Such pain. During this time, Granny came home and was getting back to normal but of course I worried. I began to doubt my decision to move...wondering if I needed to stay put to be there for my family. I knew the pain of losing a mother...a pain like no other...and I wanted to be there for Adrianne and Kimmie. And I knew Daddy would probably need help taking care of Granny. And the doubt crept in. So again...lots of prayer and tears and thinking. But I knew God was still leading me to move. So I trusted in spite of the doubts.

By June, my aunt had gotten much worse. She passed away at the end of the June. In two short months, we had lost another member of our family. And life got harder. Much harder. But, as we would come to find out, it was only the beginning.

At the end of June I was also preparing to say goodbye to the Baddour residents I had come to love so dearly. It was tough to leave them...they had become part of my family. So it was like I was going to be leaving two families behind. I moved in mid-July and began my new job.

Even though there was pain with the loss of my aunt and leaving the residents behind, I was excited about this new chapter in my life. I started my new job. I began making new friends and reconnecting with some old friends. My dad, Kimmie and my friend, Beth all helped with moving me in my apartment, and I was able to make it my own cozy little space.

Then one night at the end of July, 2 weeks after I moved, my phone rang. It was my Daddy. My granny had just died. And again, more pain and devastation. Yes, she was 91 and had lived a long good life. But after the scare in April, she appeared to be doing well. And here I was four hours away...wasn't there when it happened, wasn't able to be there with my dad. But again, God was there. And He provided what was needed. Our family was able to be there with him that night and help out. I left first thing the next morning and headed home. The next week we spent going to Texas to bury her and to take care of things there. It was hard to leave to come back to Hattiesburg. I hated leaving my dad there alone. Again, more prayer, more tears...and again, God was faithful.

But life wasn't through throwing us curve balls. In August, I received a call from a friend from Baddour. My favorite resident's mom had just passed away unexpectedly. And I couldn't be there. Then later that same week, I got a call from home again. Cancer. Again. My Aunt Diana was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer, and again, the prognosis was not good. So here we were again. Less than six months after my Aunt Brenda had passed away. And I know I began to question God like never before. What was going on?! So again, prayers, tears and seeking God.

The next couple of months were difficult but life seemed to get back to some sense of normalcy. There were trivial trials interspersed here and there but it seemed calm for a bit.

Then in November, my friend Beth came to visit. And God's timing was perfect. Because while she was here, my phone rang one Saturday morning. It was my Aunt Nancy. My dad was in the ER with severe pain and they weren't sure what was wrong. Here we go again! Of course I was scared. So I loaded up and headed back home. By the time I got there we found out it was his gall bladder. So he was scheduled for surgery. They came and took him to surgery that Monday morning. And there I sat alone...worrying. See the last time I had been at the hospital with one of my parents was with my mom...they took her down for a procedure and she never came back. So I just prayed and cried some more and did my best to trust God. Thankfully, Daddy did great and was home later that night.

During this time at home, I got to go see my Aunt Diana. We had a good visit, and she gave me an angel from her collection. That angel sits on top of my Christmas tree this year. And again, God's timing was perfect. Because two weeks later, a couple of days before Thanksgiving, she went home to be with Jesus. And again, we lost a part of our family. And my heart ached for my uncle and cousin. Again, losing your mom is like no other pain. And I knew it was going to be tough for them. When I got home, they asked if I would sing for the service. I was honored to do so. The song they chose was "I Bowed On My Knees and Cried Holy." As our family came together yet one more time to say goodbye, I stood there and realized that we had lost almost half of our family in the past few years. And as I sang the line "my loved ones all met me there" I couldn't help but think of them all up there waiting on all of us to get there. And while there is pain because they are no longer here, there is peace in knowing we will see them again.

This year has also brought smaller, seemingly less significant challenges...but things that have affected me to my core nonetheless. I've also been hurt by people who I trusted and thought were friends...a situation that could have been averted had communication and consideration of others been a priority. I am sure I have hurt people along the way, and for that I am truly sorry. I have made missteps, taking wrong turns and sought my own way. I have had days where I felt worthless and ugly. I have had days where I've felt so alone. I have had my share of bad days, have had my doubts and questions. I also started grad school and been stressed beyond my point. But I've also had some good days. I've met some wonderful people. I've been reminded how great the friends I have are. I've grown to love my family more than I ever thought possible. I've had days where I have believed I am worth more than I could comprehend and days where I actually felt I was a beautiful person...because of who I am on the inside. And my faith has deepened beyond what I ever thought it could. And God has been Lord over all those days. Mandisa has two songs on her latest album that have ministered to me so much over these last months. One is called "The Truth About Me" and talks of how much better we would be if we would only learn to see ourselves as He sees us...beautiful, worth more than diamonds and loved. The other is called "These Days" and talks about God being God of our joy and pain. And He truly is there in every one of these moments...good and bad, joy and pain, tears and laughter.

And here we are...almost at the end of the year that seems it will never end. Yet God has proven faithful. It has been a year of loss and great pain. It has been a year of change and some joy. It has been a year where my faith has been tested beyond what I ever thought it could. And here I sit tonight, at peace and completely trusting God for every moment. When you go through such devastation, you realize that, with God by your side, you can make it through and come out on the other side OK.

People have made the comment that our family has been through more than our fair share. And maybe we have. But what exactly is a fair share? Even though it's been tough and there were days I was ready to give it all up, I'm blessed beyond measure. And there are those who have it so much worse than I do. I have a family that loves me. I have friends who love me and have encouraged me and supported me and talked me through the rough days. I have been blessed with a Christian heritage of people who have lived their lives as an example for me...those who have now joined that great cloud of witnesses who cheer me on each day as I travel on this journey toward Home. (Hebrews 12:1-3) I have a roof over my head, food to eat and a warm bed to sleep in. And I have a Savior who came to earth, lived this life and died to save me. He loves me with a love beyond my comprehension. And He calls me, and each of us who are His, to share that love with a hurting world.

So when life hits...when we lose our loved ones to ugly things like diabetes and cancer...when people let us down...when life throws those curve balls...God is still there. He is faithful. And nothing is a surprise to Him. Nothing has come to my life that hasn't first passed through His hands. Yes, I've doubted. I've yelled at and fought with Him. I've had people tell me I can't get mad at God...well, yes I can. And have. And before it's all said and done, probably will again. But He's God. And He can handle it. And I know this because it's been after these struggles with Him that I've come out on the other side with a deep abiding peace. He wants our honesty, He wants our hearts, He wants us just as we are.

I'm not sure what next year will bring. Or if we are even done with our trials for this year. I know God has big plans for my life...as He does for yours. I know I have dreams and plans and desires of my heart yet to be fulfilled. I dream of marriage and children. I dream of starting a foundation here locally that will provide services for families who struggle with poverty, addiction, HIV/AIDS and other things that rob their peace and joy. I dream of finishing my Master's degree and being able to help more people. I dream of so much more and know that God will provide what I need, when I need it to accomplish HIS will for my life. The hard part is the waiting and trusting even when I don't see. But this year has been a big lesson in that waiting and trusting.

So through all the trials of this year, God has remained the one constant in my life. After a year of so much loss and pain, you begin to really know what is important in life and what truly matters in this life. I posted this quote on my Facebook page earlier this week...I was sitting looking at my little Christmas tree and was just overwhelmed with emotion. So I thought I'd close this post with it. I also have included a couple of videos...one is a song that my friend Ruth posted earlier today...a new song to me but a powerful one that explains nothing is wasted in the hands of the Redeemer...He works all things for our good. One that is dedicated to my family, friends and precious Savior this Christmas and a last one that explains how we've made it through this year.

Listening to Christmas music, enjoying my tree and Nativity sets and feeling so blessed and thankful and at peace. It's been a crazy, hard, chaotic year...but God has been faithful through it all. Don't waste your energy hurting others or worrying or seeking your own gain or focusing on things that don't matter. Spend it wisely in love and compassion and selflessness and serving others. Life is fragile. People are fragile. Please remember that this Christmas and share HIS love with everyone you meet...even when it may not be easy or convenient. Make things right with those in your life that you have wronged...you never know when that moment might be their last or how deeply they have been affected by that hurt. Speak peace and love to those you come in contact with. Be thankful for each breath you are blessed to take. Make sure to tell those you love just how much you love them...before it's too late. And remember God is always there. And He will always love you more than you can fathom and treasure you more than you could ever comprehend. Always.

Nothing Is Wasted

Heirlooms

Bring the Rain

Through the Fog

2011-09-21T20:38:00.000-05:00

This morning as I drove to work, there was heavy fog all around. It was difficult to see very far beyond where I was driving. However, I've come to think of fog in an interesting way...maybe weird to some, but hey, I'm used to being the "weird artsy musical girl." But when the fog is thick and heavy like it was this morning, it's almost like a reminder that the presence of God is all around us. As I navigated my way through low visibility I had to really focus on the road in front of me using my headlights to lead the way. After about 20 minutes of driving, I turned a corner in the road and the sun appeared. And the fog all but disappeared. And I got to thinking. (And if you don't know me too well, you need to know my thought process can be....interesting at times.)

My drive to work this morning is kind of like life. Especially mine lately. LIfe has been a roller coaster of sorts over the last several years. I've experienced amazing highs and devastating lows. As we all have. I've seen things so clearly sometimes and then one minute later stood there in confusion and wondered what in the world was going on. Our lives are full of foggy moments and sunny moments. Like this morning. I couldn't see 50 feet in front of me (I'm guessing that's right...I'm a total girl and have no clue how far that is). However, as long as my focus was where it needed to be, on the road ahead and on the light guiding my way, I was able to navigate...though maybe unsure or unsteady...I was still able to stay on the right path. Then when the sun broke through, it confirmed I was where I needed to be.

And so is life. I realized this morning that the only difference between the good days and the bad days is where I've placed my focus. When the fog surrounds me and I'm unsure and scared and have questions, if I will keep my focus on the One who guides each and every step on the path He has planned for me, I am able to face whatever the day brings or whatever situation arises. However, if my focus switches to the problem or the inconvenience or the bad news or whatever, I allow the fog to overtake me and I give in to the fear and doubt. And I have found that even when I'm unfaithful in keeping my focus where it needs to be, God is always faithful to provide a way. And if I will hang in there and not give up, the sun will come shining through and confirm that I am on the right path. Sometimes that path is scary. Sometimes it may be unsure (to me...not to God). Sometimes it may be easy, but just as often it's hard. But the problems, doubt, fear, moodiness always come when I focus on the problem or doubt or fear or whatever instead of focusing on Him.

You would think after 37 years, I would have learned this lesson. But as Paul said, I do what I don't want to do and don't do what I know I should do. And thankfully, God remembers that we are dust, that we are simply humans struggling to make it through this life in anticipation of the next.

Now I don't know if God allowed the fog this morning just to teach me this much needed lesson. I kind of doubt it. But I've also learned to trust that God can speak through anything to get our attention. He's done that a couple times this week...so He must figure I really needed to hear it. Earlier in the week through an online video of a sermon about patience in praying and trusting that if God plans it for you nothing can take that away...through a friend whose thoughtful words in an email encouraged me to hang in there...to the fog this morning as a reminder of where to keep my focus. So I'm thinking this must be pretty important!

As you may or may not know, music is a big part of my life. I can pretty much come up with a song for any and every experience in my life and your life (if you ask me). And as I've driven around in my car this week, I've been listening to some CDs I made for my Momma several years ago. And there have been several songs that have really spoken to me this week. One of them is "God Speaking" by Mandisa...and it just reminds us that God will do whatever He has to do, speak in whatever way He needs to in order to let us know how much He loves us. The other song is a version of the old hymn "In Christ Alone" by FFH...and my favorite line in that song is "from life's first cry to final breath Jesus commands my destiny." Wow! How powerful is that...JESUS commands my destiny. My future, my life, my hopes and dreams, the deepest desires of my heart...HE has full control of that and has a plan far beyond my wildest dreams! So knowing that, why would I ever take my focus off of Him? But I do. So he sends the sermons. And the emails from friends. And the songs. And the fog. And I'm thankful He does.

My prayer is that through my ramblings that He will speak to your heart and remind you that He is in control, He has a plan and He loves you. And if you will focus on the One who died to prove that, He will guide you safely home.

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans for good and not for evil. Plans to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

He Is

2011-09-12T20:40:00.000-05:00

It dawned on me a few weeks ago that I haven't updated my blog all year...and I really hate that because I really do love writing and sharing things I feel like God has shown me. However, since this year began, life has been full of change...both good and bad. And it has been a year that has tested my faith beyond what I ever thought it could.

Earlier this year I took a huge leap of faith and stepped out completely trusting God for every single detail and moved. I changed jobs, changed towns and started grad school. I have no idea how it all worked out. The only way it was possible was because God has His hand on every moment.

A few months before I moved, however, our family was rocked to its core yet again. Even though nothing so far has compared to losing my Momma in 2008, this year has come close. In April, my dad had to rush my grandmother to the hospital. She was having a heart attack and needed a stint. We pretty much though that was it and prepared ourselves for the loss. However, she made it through the procedure and came out like a trooper. I can only hope I'm that spry and full of life at 91!. But the next day, as she was in ICU recovering, my aunt was admitted. She had been suffering from pain in her knee for quite awhile. First it was diagnosed as gout. However, this trip to the ER found that she had a tumor that had eaten through the bone in her leg. After several tests and many painful days, we were told she had stage 4 breast cancer and the prognosis was not good.

So that week was spent running back and forth between 2 hospital rooms. But God was there. Even in the pain and doubt and anger and sadness. He was there. My granny got stronger and came home. My aunt, though she didn't have long on this earth, became a witness to everyone who entered her room. We set up some music on my computer and a slide show so she could listen and watch and sing along. One day when I wasn't there, they had a time of song and prayer...they said you could hear it out in the halls. And God was there. Using the pain to minister and reach others who needed him.

After a couple months of suffering and fighting this horrible disease, my aunt went home to be with Jesus at the end of June. It was hard to see my cousins face the same horrible pain of losing their mother. It's a pain you are never prepared for and a pain no one can take away. But God was there.

I moved a couple of weeks after her funeral and started my new job and got settled in. Then at the end of July, 2 weeks after I started my new job, my dad called on a Sunday night and told me Granny had just passed away. I was devastated and so not prepared for that. I knew she was 91 and wouldn't live forever, but you are never prepared. But again, God was there.

You would think that would be enough. That God would see fit to give us a break. But life isn't fair. About 2 weeks ago, I received a message that my favorite former Baddour resident's mom passed away. She had just had a check up and was fine. Thankfully she had gotten to see her son perform in his first play ever and was able to share that moment with her daughters and sister. They are such a sweet family that I love dearly. Later that day, I got a call about another of my aunts. She had gone to the ER with back pain...and now today, 2 weeks later, we found out she has stage 4 pancreatic cancer...and again the prognosis is not good. And again, I find myself grieving for another cousin who will lose his mom. However, God is here.

Through the devastation and tears and anger and sadness and questions and weariness and pain...GOD IS HERE. No, I don't understand why He would allow so much pain over such a short period of time. I don't understand why He is taking all of our mothers away. I don't know what His plan is in all of this. But I am sure of one thing. He is here, and He is not going anywhere.

People may ask how we can have peace with all this turmoil going on around us. The only answer is Jesus. I know people who don't have any faith at all in God. And honestly, I don't see how they make it through the day. Even though I don't understand, I have to trust God is working all things out for good...even though I may not see it, even though I question Him, even though I get mad at Him. He is here. And He is holding us. And His plan was not for us to live on this earth forever in this aging bodies full of disease and pain. His ultimate plan is for us to live with Him in Heaven...with a new body...with no more pain, no more tears, no more sorrow. This is not our home.

Yes, loss is tough. It's hard. It breaks your heart. It weakens your resolve. It brings you to your knees. But for those who know Jesus, it's not really loss. It's simply a change of address. See I have the assurance that my mom, my aunt, my granny and all my other family who've gone before knew Jesus. I'm thankful to have been raised in a Christian family and have that heritage. And I have the assurance that because of our faith in Jesus, I WILL see them again. Yes I miss them here. I will miss those who will pass on before I do. But I can find peace and comfort in knowing the loss is temporary. We will be reunited one day in Heaven. And we will finally get to look on the face of the One who made it all possible. Because He is, He was and He always will be.

My prayer is that if you are suffering any kind of loss or grief or stress, you will take the opportunity to seek Him...because you won't make it without Him.

He Is (by Mark Schultz)

If You Want Me To

2010-12-31T11:16:00.000-06:00

I'm taking some time today to clear out some clutter. I hate cleaning. But I know I have to do it. I don't mind cleaning house or washing clothes...I mean, I don't love it, but I can handle it. But going through clutter and stuff that I just haven't thrown away (thanks to those pack rat genes I have inherited)....I have to really be in the mood to clean!

Today as I've cleaned, I found lots of cards and notes from friends and family. And many were from my mom and dad. I found a letter they sent me for my birthday in 2005. As I read the note, written in my mother's handwriting, it was just as relevant today as it was then. And it was like a little gift from Heaven reminding me of the reason we are here.

We are not here for ourselves. We are here because God has a plan and a purpose for each of our lives. It may seem very dark at times and seem like we are wandering through a desert. But we are never alone.

As I was cleaning, I had my iTunes up and running. Boy, do I have a very eclectic mix in music. :) Everything played from Lady Gaga to Christian Kane to Allison Kraus to Martina McBride to Jason Derulo. Then at just the right time, as I was finishing up the last stack of papers, this song came on. See I don't believe in coincidence. Was it coincidence that I found that letter today? Nope...I cleaned some yesterday and could have found it then. Was it coincidence that this song came on right when it did? Nope...I had it on shuffle so it could have come on anytime. A gentle reminder from a loving Father that He sees to each and every detail...no matter how small or seemingly insignificant. And He IS at work in every detail of our life. Bad ones. Good ones. And those moments in between. He uses everything to work it our for our good. So back to the song...

My friend, Rachel, introduced me to this song a couple of years ago. As I listened to her sing it the first time, tears streamed down my face. Today as I listened, tears were streaming again. You see, even though I feel so alone at times and though it seems I'm facing life on my own, my heart knows that is not true. I have a Savior who is with me in every moment...through the laughter, the tears, the joy and the pain. And He knows best.

This upcoming year is one of big changes for my life. I'm scared to death and not sure how it is all going to work out. Between financial worries and housing worries and business worries and just plain worry worries, I've been freaking out a little. The plans include moving to another city, starting grad school and starting my own private practice. And while I know I'll have to work hard, I am learning to trust God for the impossible. And believe me, there are a lot of impossibilities involved. But I'm learning... Learning to trust in a way I never have before. Learning to follow even in the darkness and fire and valleys. Learning that I have grown so much as a person and am striving to be better. Learning that God does have a plan for me and He will see it fulfilled. Even when I doubt. Even when I question.

So as this year ends and a new one begins, my prayer for my life and for yours is that you will trust God as you never have before... That you will go down the path He leads regardless the cost, regardless the fear, regardless the unknown and uncertainty. Because as this last verse of this song says so eloquently: "When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing. I'm gonna shout. I'm gonna look into Your eyes and see You've NEVER let me down. So lead me on the pathway that brings me home to You. And I will walk through the valley if You want me to."

Happy New Year 2011!

The Advent - Jesus

2010-12-24T11:43:00.000-06:00

Christmas. A time when a lot of people hurry around trying to find the best gift, cook the best food, wear the best clothes, try to outdo previous years. But is that truly what Christmas is about?

This morning on The Today Show I saw an interview with a mom and her son. They were being interviewed about a video of the son receiving books for Christmas last year. I think I’ve even seen several posts on Facebook of the video. The video shows this child pitching a fit over getting books for Christmas. Everyone laughed and thought it was cute. I, however, was appalled. Instead of posting a video of the tantrum and laughing at the kid, the parents, in my opinion, should have used this as a “teaching moment” for their child. A time to teach him that not all children wake up to gifts on Christmas, that not all children sleep in a warm bed every night, that not all children have loving families. Yes, I know the child was only three...but I have seen three year olds who know what Christmas is all about and who would be glad to receive books for Christmas. And they knew this because they were taught this. After the interview, the anchor gave the child a present. It was a talking Woody doll from Toy Story 3. Was the child appreciative? Nope. Yet again, instead of graciously receiving the gift, he commented that he already had one of these dolls. His mom did tell him to say thank you, but you could tell he hadn’t learned the lesson from last year.

Now I’m not dissing the parents. I have no idea what goes on in their home or what they teach their child. But I do know that over the last several years I’ve seen a decrease in genuine good old decency. Thank you and please are not spoken as often. Doors are not help open for others. Smiles are sometimes non-existent. Giving is only done if it benefits the giver as a tax write-off. The mentality is “get what’s mine while I can.” And this video of this child is a prime example. All I know is that if I would have had that reaction to a gift at Christmas, I wouldn’t have received the rest of my gifts and I probably would have had a sore rear end. I was taught gratitude. And I really hope that for this kid’s sake, someone teaches him the same soon.

Jesus came to bring us life. He came so that we could live forever. What if He had thrown a tantrum every time something didn’t go His way? When God sent Him to be born in a manger in a smelly barn...when people called him a liar...when someone didn’t believe His message...when the crowd screamed out for Him to be crucified... No, His life wasn’t easy. Neither is ours. But Jesus was our example. He showed love and compassion and gratitude to those around Him. His sacrifice was for ALL people...regardless of race or gender or denomination or whatever other barrier we try to put up. And for that we should be thankful. Thankful... Do we get everything we want in life? I don’t, so I’m sure you don’t either. But when I ask for one thing and God gives me another, what do I do? What do you do? Do you kick and scream and throw a tantrum? Or do you tell God you are thankful for His provision and for His knowledge that what we want and what we need are not always the same things?

This Christmas, I hope you will let the light of Jesus shine through you. I hope you will take a moment to give to others. I hope you will be willing to give to someone who has nothing. It may come in the form of money, a gift, a meal, opening your home. It may be as simple as saying thank you or smiling or holding that door open. Whatever it is, give. For it is in giving that we receive.

I pray this Christmas you will be thankful for what you have and the gifts you receive. Even if, like the little boy, you get books when you asked for a toy. After all, the greatest gift we could ever receive was given to us so many years ago...a baby...in a manger....who came to die for our sins and bring us eternal life. Doesn’t that make every other gift we could ever receive pale in comparison?

Merry Christmas! May the peace and love of Jesus fill your hearts and homes this season!

Luke 2

1And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed. 2(And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.) 3And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city. 4And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:) 5To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child. 6And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered. 7And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn. 8And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. 9And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. 10And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. 11For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. 12And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. 13And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, 14Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men. 15And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us. 16And they came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger. 17And when they had seen it, they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child. 18And all they that heard it wondered at those things which were told them by the shepherds. 19But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart. 20And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told unto them.

The Advent - Simeon

2010-12-14T07:18:00.000-06:00

Luke 2:25-35

25 Now there was a man in Jerusalem called Simeon, who was righteous and devout. He was waiting for the consolation of Israel, and the Holy Spirit was on him. 26 It had been revealed to him by the Holy Spirit that he would not die before he had seen the Lord’s Messiah. 27 Moved by the Spirit, he went into the temple courts. When the parents brought in the child Jesus to do for him what the custom of the Law required, 28 Simeon took him in his arms and praised God, saying: 29 “Sovereign Lord, as you have promised, you may now dismiss[a] your servant in peace. 30 For my eyes have seen your salvation, 31 which you have prepared in the sight of all nations: 32 a light for revelation to the Gentiles, and the glory of your people Israel.” 33 The child’s father and mother marveled at what was said about him. 34 Then Simeon blessed them and said to Mary, his mother: “This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, 35 so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your own soul too.”

Simeon is not a name you often hear when Christmas stories are told. But he is just as central a character to the story as anyone else. Here was a man who devoted his life to serving God. He had been promised he would not die until he saw the salvation of Israel, and he trusted God for that promise. Once the promise was fulfilled, he proceeded to bless Jesus, Mary and Joseph and gave a prophecy concerning the Child.

I don't know about you, but there are many things I have waited for. Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." I have delighted myself in the Lord, sought His will, tried to live as He has led me. But there are still desires I have not received. Promises I'm still waiting for. Maybe you are in the same boat. Maybe like me, you have a desire for marriage...but you just haven't found the right person. Maybe like I used to feel, you want children...but either due to infertility, not being married or other issues you don't have them. Maybe you have the desire for a new job, new life, an opportunity to make a difference. Or maybe you just have a desire to get out of debt or put food on the table or make your next house payment. No matter what the desire, we are all waiting on something. Waiting on some desire of our heart to be fulfilled. And it's not easy. Most days, I'm ok with waiting for the desires of my heart. But there are those days every now and then when the reality hits hard. When I wonder if that promise in Psalm 37:4 was meant for me. Then I read about Simeon...

I wonder how long Simeon had to wait for his desire, his promise to be fulfilled. The Bible doesn't say, but I'm willing to bet Simeon was on up in years. He had been waiting and waiting and waiting to see the salvation of Israel. He had seen his share of corrupt church officials and oppression by the government and everything else that was going on in his time. Still he waited. And still he trusted God to do what He said He would do. And in God's time, the promise was fulfilled. Simeon saw with his very own eyes the Baby who was born to die for our sins. The Child who came for the purpose of our salvation. And if we continue to wait on God, continue to trust Him, He WILL fulfill the promises He has made to us. Maybe not in the way we thought or the time we thought. But He will give us those desires of our heart.

Christmas gifts are the perfect picture of this. As children, most of us remember wanting that certain gift...a doll, a bike, a toy. We would plead with our parents to get it for us. We would sit on Santa's knee and write him letters telling him how good we had been and that we really deserved that gift. We would wait all December, hoping, praying. And on Christmas morning, we would wake up to hopefully find that perfect gift under the tree. Now I know not everyone had the joy of getting presents growing up, but everyone can have the joy of the all time, ultimate, perfect Christmas Gift.

We do the same thing as adults. "I really deserve that promotion." "I've lived the way I should. Why am I not married or have kids?" "I don't understand why Joe has a nice car and house when I work hard every day for the little I've got." And on and on. Every day. I know I'm guilty of thinking I deserve so much more than I really do. We spin our wheels trying to find the things that can make us happy. If I only had more money, if only I was married, if only I had a big house, etc. What we need to do is to seek the One who can truly fulfill every desire of our heart...even if we don't get everything we want or think we need. Everything we truly need is found in that perfect Christmas Gift.

See, whether you know it or not, there is a place inside each of us that can only be filled with Jesus. We search high and low for something to fill that spot...friends, gifts, money, love, things. But it can only be filled by the One we celebrate at Christmas. However, unlike the Christmas presents we begged for and thought we deserved, this Gift is different. This Gift is free. At least free to us. It wasn't free to Jesus, but He was willing to die for us. He loved us enough that He was willing to go through the agony of the cross. We don't have to beg and plead with God to save us. He has already provided the way. Another difference? We don't deserve this gift. The Bible says in Romans 3:10 that none of us are righteous. We all sin. We don't deserve salvation. Jesus was the only perfect person to ever live. And He did what only He could do to provide our salvation. And God fulfilled the promise He made.

Like Simeon, we wait. We wait for God to do what only He can. Yes, it gets tiresome. And frustrating. And we wonder at times if He even hears us. But you can rest assured that the God of Heaven who would give His only Son to die such a cruel death DOES hear you. He hears every cry, every sigh, every scream and every prayer. He sees your heart. He knows your pain. And He gave us Christ as the gift that fulfills every desire of our heart.

My prayer this Christmas is that you will take God at His word and trust Him to fulfill the promises He's made to you. That, like Simeon, you will wait on Him to do what He has said He would do. And, like the anticipation of Christmas, you will wait hopefully, expectantly for Him. In His time he makes all things right. So my wish for your Christmas is that you will be full of Expectant Hope, full of Joy, full of Peace and full of Love for the One who makes everything right and who WILL give you the desires of your heart if you will only trust and wait on Him.

The Advent - Opportunities to Give

2010-12-09T07:37:00.000-06:00

Today's blog is a departure from the usual. This will probably be my last update until Monday. Today I wanted to share a couple of verses on giving and then give you two opportunities to give if you live in this area. If you don't live in the area, I want to encourage you to go out and find somewhere to give of your time, talent, money, prayer - whatever the Lord lays on your heart - this holiday season.

Luke 14:12-14
12 Then Jesus said to his host, “When you give a luncheon or dinner, do not invite your friends, your brothers or sisters, your relatives, or your rich neighbors; if you do, they may invite you back and so you will be repaid. 13 But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, 14 and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous.”

Matthew 6:1-4
1 “Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven. 2 “So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. 3 But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, 4 so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

Here are two local opportunities to give and join in the Christmas spirit and joy this year:

Donation Drop-off for Hope House of Memphis

Friday, December 10, 9:00 am - 12:00 pm

15 S. Idlewild, Memphis, TN

Hope House, an organization dedicated to assisting HIV-impacted children and families, will be hosting an Open House and Donation drop off on Friday, December 10th from 9am-Noon. Community members, local churches, businesses, and organizations are invited to celebrate the Holidays with the children of Hope House. Hope House will be hosting interactive activities all morning, and visitors will have time to mingle with the children.

Community members are also encouraged to bring donations for the children and families served by Hope House. All of the children served by Hope House rely on donations for Holiday gifts. A complete wish list is available online at www.hopehousememphis.org.

Tours of Hope House will be provided throughout the morning. Refreshments will also be served. For more information contact Kevin Dean at 901-272-2702 ext. 216.

The Baddour Christmas Spectacular

Friday, December 10, 7:00 pm

Northwest Mississippi Community College Fine Arts Auditorium

Senatobia, MS

I would like to invite you to attend our 3rd Annual Baddour Christmas Spectacular. The Baddour Center is a non-profit residential community for adults with mild to moderate intellectual disabilities. This will be a fun night featuring 77 of our residents...complete with Carolers, Mime Team, Nativity, Tone Chimes, Guitar Duo, Scripture Readers, a Toy Parade and Santa!

Doors will open at 6:00 pm. General Admission seating on a first come, first serve basis. No tickets will be issued. Free to the public. Donations are much appreciated and will be taken at the door. Please feel free to share with and invite your friends! For more information, please contact Lori Parker at 366-6914 or lparker@baddour.org. For more information on The Baddour Center go to www.baddour.org.

If you live in the mid-south area, please think about taking part in one of these opportunities. If you live elsewhere, please give back to your community in some way.

Remember the true meaning of the season: Jesus! Share His love and compassion this Christmas!

The Advent - Praying for Others

2010-12-08T07:17:00.000-06:00

Matthew 25:34-45

³⁴ “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. ³⁵ For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, ³⁶ I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

³⁷ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? ³⁸ When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? ³⁹ When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

⁴⁰ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

⁴¹ “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. ⁴² For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, ⁴³ I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’

⁴⁴ “They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’

⁴⁵ “He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’

I had another topic scheduled for today's blog, but as things often go, plans change. Life happens. And God shows us something different or new. During this time of year, while we take time to celebrate and be joyful, we are also aware of those who are hurting. Some have just lost someone they loved. Some are faced with poverty. Some have just received bad news about health issues. Some are faced with financial issues. Some are battling depression and other mental illnesses. Some are facing spending Christmas alone. Some are dreading a time of year that brings up feelings of sadness, loneliness and pain. Others may not be facing anything in particular but are just doing the best they can to provide for their families.

So today I just wanted to post a reminder to remember those who are hurting this year. The verse above says it so much better than I ever could. Words straight from the Miracle of Christmas, Jesus. When we take the time and make the effort to help someone in need, we are in turn helping our Savior. He takes very seriously how we, as humans, treat each other. He commands love and compassion for our fellow man.

So this year, put differences and prejudices and anger and selfishness aside. And give. Give as you never have before. Give your love. Give your time. Give the hope of Christ. Knowing, that in giving to your fellow man, you are giving to the One who is the giver of the greatest gift we've ever known.

The Advent - Mary

2010-12-07T07:37:00.000-06:00

Luke 1 :46-55 Mary's Song

⁴⁶ And Mary said: “My soul glorifies the Lord ⁴⁷ and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, ⁴⁸ for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant. From now on all generations will call me blessed, ⁴⁹ for the Mighty One has done great things for me—holy is his name. ⁵⁰ His mercy extends to those who fear him, from generation to generation. ⁵¹ He has performed mighty deeds with his arm; he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts. ⁵² He has brought down rulers from their thrones but has lifted up the humble. ⁵³ He has filled the hungry with good things but has sent the rich away empty. ⁵⁴ He has helped his servant Israel,remembering to be merciful

⁵⁵ to Abraham and his descendants forever, just as he promised our ancestors.”

Wow. Mary was one amazing woman. Or rather young girl. Back in this time arranged marriages were the norm and girls usually were married in their teens. I remember myself as a teenager, and I sure didn't have the strength and insight Mary had. Of course, I'm sure that's part of the reason God chose her. Or as I've said numerous times in this blog, God gave her what she needed to accomplish His will. Or maybe, as most of us are when we are younger, she trusted with a simple faith beyond human logic.

Mary finds out she's going to have a baby. And not just any baby. A baby boy. A baby whose purpose was to grow up and die. Die for you. Die for me. Die for her. I've never had children of my own. The closest thing I've come to that kind of love is the love I feel for my cousin's two little boys. I cannot imagine being told they were sent here for the specific purpose of dying. But Mary is told she will have a Son who will be the Savior of the world. And she sings.

Her song flows freely from her heart. A song of praise. A song of thankfulness. A song of joy. A song of salvation to come. I am a songwriter...a not so great songwriter...but I do write occasionally. But I have never written anything like the song Mary sings. The first thing she does is praise God and thank Him for choosing her. Choosing her to have her life turned completely upside down. Choosing her to face possible shunning by her family and fiance. Choosing her to bear the loss of her son. But she also makes a choice. A choice to trust God. To trust that He will provide. To trust that there is a reason. To trust that she has been chosen by the Almighty God. Her song also shares the joy of salvation and gratitude that God has finally brought true salvation to His people.

Can you imagine being a teenage girl, engaged to be married and suddenly you get a visit from an angel? And not just any visit. But a visit telling you that you will give birth to the Savior. When I was a teenager, my main concerns were what I was wearing to school, who I was listening to on my radio, who was going out with who. But Mary is faced with an upcoming marriage and a baby. And not just A baby but THE baby. The One who would save us from our sins.

Even though Mary seems to be completely resigned to God's call on her life, I wonder if she doubted. I'm sure she had some fear and insecurity. Fear that Joseph would leave her. Fear that her family would disown her. Fear she would be stoned. And even after Joseph stayed and her family still loved her, I wonder if she doubted she would be able to raise this child? For how do you raise the One who came to save you? How do you, being a sinner, raise the One who is perfect?

But Mary obeyed God. And in her obedience, she not only received a blessing beyond measure but also provided a way for Salvation to enter the world. She trusted God for her part in the plan.

I admire Mary's strength and resolve and obedience. Overnight, she went from being a simple teenage girl to the mother of Jesus. Wow.

My prayer this Christmas is that you will accept the gift that was made available through Mary's humble obedience. That you will see Jesus for the gift He truly is. A gift with no strings attached. A gift that will change your life forever. A gift that never ends. A love that never ends. A love no one can take away. Ever.

The Advent - Mary's Angel

2010-12-06T08:11:00.000-06:00

Luke 1:26 - 38 "In the sixth month of Elizabeth’s pregnancy, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee, ²⁷ to a virgin pledged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of David. The virgin’s name was Mary. ²⁸ The angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you.” ²⁹ Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. ³⁰ But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God.³¹ You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus. ³² He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, ³³ and he will reign over Jacob’s descendants forever; his kingdom will never end.” ³⁴ “How will this be,” Mary asked the angel, “since I am a virgin?” ³⁵ The angel answered, “The Holy Spirit will come on you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called^[b] the Son of God. ³⁶ Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be unable to conceive is in her sixth month. ³⁷ For no word from God will ever fail.” ³⁸ “I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered. “May your word to me be fulfilled.” Then the angel left her."

An angel appears to Mary and tells her she is favored and will have a son. I wonder if this was the same angel that appeared to Joseph or a completely different angel. The Bible doesn't say. Regardless, this angel had important news to share with a frightened girl who was wholly submitted to God.

The angel tells Mary she is highly favored by God. She has been chosen. She will have a child though she has never known a man. Even her cousin Elizabeth is going to have a child in her old age. And Mary, even though I'm sure she had doubt and fear, accepts what the angel tells her.

The angel has the privilege of telling Mary she is favored. Favored by God. Chosen by God. Have you ever been told you were favored? When I was growing up, I was the chubby kid who always got picked last to play games. I wasn't popular. I had braces and glasses and acne. I had no idea what it meant to be favored. Until I allowed God to show me that I truly was favored. I believe that God favors all His children. I believe He has a purpose for each of our lives. I work with adults with intellectual disabilities and with children affected/infected with HIV/AIDS, and I see every day how God's plan for our lives, for their lives is played out. Whether they know it or not, they each touch my life every day with their smiles, hugs and unconditional love. Each of them, each of us is special to God. Favored. And each of us have been give this life to live. No matter who you are or what you do, God has a plan for you. Not all of us are called to be a Mother Theresa or a Billy Graham. But we are called. Called to help the elderly lady at the grocery store put her groceries in her car. Called to feed the hungry. Called to send a note of encouragement to a friend who's down. Called to care for the sick. Called to do our best each day with what we've been given. And just as Mary accepted the call on her life, we should accept the call placed on our lives...no matter how big or small.

God may not send angels to us, although the Bible does say to be careful because we may entertain angels unaware. But most of us will never experience a visit from an angel the way Mary or Joseph did. However, God does call us. In the face of a child who needs a coat for winter. In the sound of a woman crying over her loss. In the words of a man who has done all he can for his family but it's still not enough. In the halls of hospitals, in the classrooms of schools, in the pews of churches, in the office cubicle next door. God calls. Calls us to share. Calls us to love without judgement. Calls us to show compassion. Calls us to be His hands and feet in this world. He doesn't always call us to do what is easy or comfortable. Sometimes He calls us to step beyond that ease and comfort. But He always gives us what we need to answer the call.

What if Mary had not accepted the call? Said it was too hard, too scary? What if she said she wasn't able or didn't have the skills or just didn't feel like it? She would have missed out on a blessing. We would have missed out on eternal life. You never know the impact and result your obedience to God may have on the life of another. We may never know this side of Heaven what comes from our obedience. But God knows. And trust me, even the smallest thing you do for another is noticed. Noticed by God. And definitely noticed by the ones we serve.

Will you, like Mary, accept the call? Will you, like Mary, utter the words, "I am the Lord's servant. May your word to me be fulfilled."? This Christmas take that step of faith and answer the call of God.

The Advent - Joseph

2010-12-03T08:57:00.000-06:00

Matthew 1:24 - 25 "When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife. But he did not consummate their marriage until she gave birth to a son. And he gave him the name Jesus."

Joseph. What an amazing man. We could use some good men like him these days. Men of integrity. Men of courage. Men of God.

Joseph was living his life. He was engaged to be married to Mary. He was probably looking forward to starting a family and growing old with his wife. He lays down to sleep one night and instead of restful sleep, he gets an angel. An angel sent to him in a dream. An angel that will turn his world upside down. The angel tells him Mary is pregnant. And not just pregnant - pregnant by the Holy Spirit. The angel tells him she will have a son and that his name is to be called Jesus.

Now I don't know about you, but I am someone who dreams. A lot. Vivid and in color. I suppose I get this from my mom. She did the same thing. But not once ever have I had a dream like Joseph's. Can you imagine? God chooses YOU to send an angel to. And so God chooses Joseph.

While at first glimpse it seems a wonderful honor to be chosen by God (and it is), take a closer look at what this call on Joseph would mean...

Joseph has been told that the woman he is to be married to is already carrying a child. He knows there is no way that the baby is his. And even though he has received this message from an angel, I wondered if he doubted. Wondered if Mary had been unfaithful. Wondered how he would raise a child that he did not father. I know what most men today would do. They would turn and run quickly in the other direction. But Joseph stayed. He remained faithful to his promise to Mary. And he remained faithful to the call of God. He chose to obey and love Mary and this child as if it were his own.

And what would the town say? What would their families and friends say? In this day and age, it is not that uncommon for an unmarried or engaged woman to become pregnant. However, back in Joseph's time, it was unheard of for a woman to become pregnant outside of marriage. The punishment? Stoning to death. Stoning. Joseph knew that, if he left Mary and revealed she was pregnant, she would be stoned. He loved her too much. He trusted God too much to walk away.

So Joseph made an honorable decision. He took Mary as his wife. He cared for her and loved her and waited along beside her for the birth of this child. The child who would become the Savior of the world. And I wonder if during those months Joseph was overwhelmed with the knowledge that he would be raising God Incarnate. He would be raising the One who came to save him from his sins. How could he, a sinful man, raise Jesus, a perfect man.

But Joseph did. He carried Mary to Bethlehem due to a decree by Caesar that each man had to take his family to his hometown and be taxed. But this decree wasn't coincidence. God was working out every detail so that the prophecy would be filled to the letter. As they approached Bethlehem, Mary probably started to go into labor. Joseph frantically finds a place for them to stay. A barn. A smelly barn full of smelly animals. I wonder if he was worried that this was the best he could provide for his wife. I wonder if he was worried that the King of Kings and Lord of Lords would be born in a stable. But again, God's plan was at work. And so amidst the hay and the stench and the animals, a Savior was born. And because Joseph chose to be faithful to God's call, he was witness to the greatest Miracle ever!

Joseph. A humble man. A grateful man. A faithful man. A compassionate, caring man. A man who chose to follow God when everything could come crashing down. And by choosing to step out in faith and do what didn't make any human sense, he became the earthly father for the heavenly Son. He was part of the plan for our salvation to occur. If only more men would stand up today and be humble, grateful, faithful, compassionate, caring. And obedient to God's call.

On a side note... The story of Joseph raising Jesus as his own shows me that adoption is also part of God's plan. As someone who always wanted a house full of kids but who has never been married, I have looked into adoption. I have been told that adopting a child isn't "the same" as having one of your own. But I beg to differ. A child is a gift. Jesus was the ultimate gift. If God chose to have Joseph "adopt" His only Son, that shows me adoption is part of his plan. And it also shows that sometimes it takes more courage to love a child who is not biologically yours. Joseph's story proves that. So if you are an adoptive parent or someone who is considering adoption, please know you are fulfilling a great call on your life by God to love another human being as your own. And if you have children of your own, be thankful. Regardless of how you received your little "gifts", all children are a gift from God and were put on this earth to make a difference.

Oh what a precious promise,
Oh what a gift of love;
An angel tells a virgin that
She’s gonna have a son.
And though it’s a precious promise,
She wonders how can this be;
What will the people say
And what if Joseph can’t believe.
And her questions and her fears
Are met with an overwhelming joy
That God has chosen her.
Oh what a precious promise;
Mary waits as heaven comes to earth.

Oh what a precious promise,
Oh what a gift of love;
Joseph makes his choice to do
What few men would have done:
To take Mary as his bride,
When she’s already carrying a child
That isn’t his own.
Oh what a precious promise;
Mary and the child will have a home.

And shepherds stand on a hillside,
Their hearts racing with the news the angel told them;
A star's light fills up the dark sky,
As the night of precious promise is unfolding.

Oh what a precious promise,
Oh what a gift of love;
The waiting now is over and
The time has finally come.
For the God who made this world
To roll back the curtain
And unveil His passion for the heart of man.
Oh what a precious promise,
Lying in a manger in Bethlehem.
Oh what a precious promise,
Lying in a manger in Bethlehem

The Advent - Joseph's Angel

2010-12-02T07:31:00.000-06:00

Matthew 1:20-23: "But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.” All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: “The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel” (which means “God with us”)."

Here he was. This angel of the Lord. At his post in Heaven. Then God calls. Calls him to deliver a message. A message to a simple man. A message that would forever change the course of this man's life. A message to wild to be believed.

So the angel takes a trip to earth and appears to Joseph in a dream. The message? Don't be afraid... To take Mary as your wife even though she's already pregnant. Even though your community may shun you. Even though your earthly mind cannot comprehend this. Even though you will be raising a child who is not yours.

I wonder if the angel was worried. Worried the message wouldn't be accepted. Worried Joseph might object. Worried he wouldn't use the right words to deliver the message.

Of course, I have no idea if angels worry. I kind of doubt it. But I do. I'm sure some of you do.

God calls us. To share a meal. To give some money. To volunteer to help someone in need. To witness. To serve or give or do beyond what our minds can comprehend. And we worry...

What if the message isn't accepted? What if the recipient objects? What if I mess up and don't do it right?

But, like the angel sent to Joseph, God gives us all we need. It's in those moments of doubt and worry and weakness that God can use us the most. When we have lost all sense of "I've got this...I can do it." And He calls. And He sends. Sends us to minister to a hurting world. To share a message that seems to good to believe. And we have a choice...

We can surrender to the worry and doubt and fear and turn away. We can give up to our thoughts that "someone else will do it" or "surely God would understand that I just can't." We can walk away from an opportunity to relieve suffering, to offer a kind word, to share what we've been given.

Or, like the angel, we can go. We can surrender to God and answer His call. We can tell the fear and doubt to go away. We can trust that God would not call us to do what He hasn't equipped us to do. And we can know that He will provide all we need to do what He has asked.

So you have a choice. This Christmas, surrounded by a hurting world full of pain and need that can seem overwhelming...will you go? Will you serve? Will you help? Will you believe that YOU can make a difference? Will you believe that no good deed is too small, no act of kindness goes unnoticed? Like the angel, will you choose to go and share and love?

Or will you choose to walk away? Choose to miss out on a blessing? Choose to let someone go without?

Can you imagine if the angel told God no? What if he said, "I'm too busy" or "I have other things I need to do first?" What a blessing he would have missed! But he chose to go when God called. He chose to share the Good News with Joseph and assure him of his part in the plan. He chose to comfort and encourage and love.

This Christmas take time to look around. To see the needs around you. Stop a few moments in your busy life to make time for someone else. Take a break from the hustle and bustle of the season and see that the only gifts that truly matter are those that are from the heart, those that encourage and lift others up, those that flow from a heart surrendered to God, those that give to those in need, those that show the love of Jesus. Don't miss out on a blessing God places in your path.

Learn a lesson from the angel sent to Joseph. When God calls, go. And remember what the angel told Joseph. "Don't be afraid...all this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said..."

Be a blessing to someone this Christmas!

The Advent - Isaiah

2010-12-01T07:49:00.000-06:00

Isaiah 7:14 "Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel (God with us)."

Isaiah. A prophet and preacher to the people of Israel. Sent to share God's word. 66 chapters. And in the middle of all of this we find this short, simple verse. The virgin will conceive. She will have a son. He will be called God with us.

Back in Isaiah's time the term "God with us" was, I'm sure, somewhat of a strange concept. In the Old Testament times, a person had to go through the priest to get to God. There were sacrifices to be made. Not that God wasn't with His people. He was. But to have a personal relationship with Him?

So here in the middle of a conversation with Ahaz, Isaiah tells him to ask for a sign. Ahaz refuses. But God's plan will be done. So God, through Isaiah, gives him a sign anyway. "The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel."

Can you imagine being Isaiah? He was a prophet of God sent to reveal God to the people. It seems he was always looking over his shoulder for the next person who would come after him. His messages weren't always, if ever, popular. But he was faithful to God. And God chooses to entrust him with one of the most vital prophecies concerning Christ's birth.

A virgin would conceive. In a world today full of in vitro, surrogates and test tube babies, technically a virgin could conceive. However, let your mind drift back to Isaiah's time. For a virgin to conceive would truly be a miracle. And would be one of the distinguishing factors that set Jesus' birth apart from other babies born in His time. It is what allowed Jesus to be completely human yet completely holy.

He will be called "God with us." Isaiah was telling us that there would be a way to God, a way to a personal relationship with God. No more going through a priest. Jesus would become that high priest and our entrance to God. No more sacrificial lambs. Jesus would become the ultimate and final sacrificial Lamb.

Can you imagine being Isaiah? Can you imagine being entrusted with the good news that a Savior was on the way? The people of Israel had struggled for so long. They had been subject to slavery and rulers and rules. Now there was Hope. Hope for freedom. Hope for peace. Hope for true salvation. And Isaiah was the one who was chosen to be the first to share this promise.

And this promise has been fulfilled. Many years after Isaiah spoke these words, God IS with us! Jesus was born and everything changed. We can now come into God's presence at any time, in any place and speak with Him. We don't have to offer burnt offerings and sacrifices anymore. Jesus' sacrifice covers us and makes us whole. And we have Hope! Hebrews 11:1 says "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." The people of Isaiah's time looked forward in faith for that hope. We look back in faith for that hope.

And hope is here! Hope of a new life. Hope of love. Hope that in God's time all things will work out for our good. Hope that we are loved beyond what we could ever imagine.

One short verse held so much promise. So much hope. So much love. May we, like Isaiah, share that hope and love this Christmas!

The Advent

2010-11-30T21:55:00.000-06:00

I have been trying for several months to get back to writing and updating my blog. For some reason, it just didn't happen. I have started keeping a journal of ideas and verses when they pop in my head. However, I have still not updated anything since August. Not for lack of trying or will. But as I've come to believe and understand, all things happen in due time, in their proper place and for a reason.

Over the last few months, I've made some life changing decisions...planning a major move, going to grad school, starting my own private practice. All of these things are in process. During this time, I've also "met" many fellow music therapists through Twitter, Facebook, email and blogs who have inspired me and have enabled me to feel as though I'm part of a community of people who "get it." Several of these amazing people write blogs...which has led me to realize I really, really want and need to get back to blogging.

See, whether anyone reads my musings or not, writing is therapeutic for me. I love to write but seldom make time to do so. I've made the decision that I want to get back to updating this blog at least weekly and that I also want to start a couple new blogs (yes, I do push myself to the limits and sometimes think I'm Superwoman) - one on music therapy, my process of starting a business and eventually blogging about my experiences and services; one on being single and in my 30's and independent and focused and content while fending off questions as to why I'm not married (haven't been asked by the right guy) or why I don't have kids (because I'm not married, can't afford to do it on my own and am now approaching 40 and because by not having my own, I can reach out to so many more) or if I really can be content being "alone" (it's a daily struggle and it takes work, but yes, you can). But I digress... Those new blogs will hopefully get underway in the new year.

Now back to THIS blog. I've used Expectant Hope as a way to share my views, thoughts, opinions, convictions on life and to share things I believe God is showing me. It's a constant growing process, one I will never finish this side of Heaven. It's called Expectant Hope because that is how I choose to live my life...expectantly hopeful of all God has in store and trusting that He WILL one day give me the desires of my heart. Though I'm learning, those desires are not always fulfilled in the way I thought they would be. Ok...so enough rambling.

The point of this post is to let you know that I intend to do a 25 day Advent blog to celebrate Christmas and the birth of Christ. Christmas is a special time of year. One that became dark for me after the loss of my mother. Now that this is the third Christmas without her, I'm finally beginning to find some of that joy again. And that only comes because I know she's celebrating in Heaven and I'll be there to celebrate along with her one day. So as part of the celebration of life and love and salvation and joy, I wanted to share some thoughts on this season and the key people who had a part in Jesus' humble beginning on this earth. I cannot promise each blog will be up at the same time every day or that I might not have to combine two in one from time to time. But this is a challenge to myself as well as to you, the reader. A challenge to dig a little deeper this year, to see the true meaning of Christmas and to share it with, not only family and friends, but with those less fortunate and hurting.

Over the next 25 days, I plan on talking about the birth of Jesus from the viewpoint of a different person each day. From major "characters" like Mary and Joseph to lesser thought of "characters" such as Simeon and Jesus' siblings. I may even throw in a lesson from the standpoint of the animals who witnessed the birth. I don't claim to know everything or have all the answers. I am just a simple girl with a love for Christ and a desire to share what He has laid on my heart.

I hope you will take the time to read each day's entry. And I hope it will bring you closer to the One Christmas is all about!

Merry Christmas!

Trying to update

2010-08-10T22:46:00.000-05:00

I sat down tonight to try to write a new post. However, for some reason, my laptop is being a pain and keeps freezing up. So unfortunately I won't be posting tonight. However, I've learned that even in the seemingly mundane, God always has a plan and a reason. I will attempt it again hopefully tomorrow night. But in the meantime I leave you with these verses: to hopefully encourage you:

Habakkuk 3:17-18 (which tonight seems appropriate and I would like to add "though your computer decides to have a mind of its own"...and, yes, I'm trying to be joyful)
"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior."

From Lamentations 3 (The Message)
"...I keep a grip on hope...God's loyal love couldn't have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up. They're created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over). He's all I've got left. God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It's a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God...Wait for hope to appear."

Jeremiah 32:3 (The Message)
"Call to me and I will answer you. I'll tell you marvelous and wonderful things that you could never figure out on your own."

I'm back...

2010-07-11T17:55:00.000-05:00

After almost a year and a half away from updating my blog, I'm back! As you may or may not know, I lost my mother in June, 2008. It's been a tough couple of years, but I'm finally starting to return to normal...or as normal as you can be after losing your mom and best friend. I am not quite sure how often I'll update...my goal is weekly. However, I hope to start back writing and sharing my thoughts. Not sure how many people actually read this, but it is very therapeutic for me to write. I hope that along the way some of my ramblings may touch someone else. Look for the latest update coming soon...

A Return to Joy

2009-01-08T21:14:00.001-06:00

After many months away, I'm finally getting back to my blog. Something that used to be so much fun for me and cathartic in a way became difficult, and I just didn't feel like I had anything to say. That was due to going through the hardest thing I've ever been through the date...the passing away of my mom. As I sit here writing tonight, I'm sure the tears will come as will some laughter. It's been a long tough road since June 3, and I'm sure I have many more twists and turns to come. But today, for the first time since that day, I experienced true joy and happiness.

Nothing in particular brought the joy. Which is usually the way joy appears. Back in December I put up our Christmas tree and decorations. It was a hard thing to do. The last several years this was something that my mom and I shared. Due to her health, she wasn't able to do a lot as far as decorating. But we fell into our special routine...we would play Christmas music in the background...usually finding one or two songs that stood out that year and play them over and over. I would put up the tree and start taking out ornaments. She would help put up a few and then sit on the couch and watch me (and sometimes Bryce and Noah) put the others on the tree. She'd watch as I put out my collection of Nativity sets...many of which she and my dad had given me each previous year for Christmas. And I have a ton! And we would talk about anything and everything. And when everything was decorated, she would sit there and look at the living room and say how beautiful everything was. Now we don't live in an elaborate mansion...just a simple home with simple decorations. But to her, it was the most beautiful tree in the world. And it was also a reminder that the first Christmas was far from being elaborate...Baby Jesus in a manger surrounded by smelly animals. Yet it was the most beautiful Christmas ever.

So this year, after making myself put out decorations I really didn't want to deal with...I sat and listened to a Christmas song by Steven Curtis Chapman called "Home for Christmas"...and cried and weeped because I wasn't able to share this moment with my mom. The song is one that became special to me after my Mema passed away awhile back...and now has a new special meaning with this new loss. As that day went on, I didn't think I was going to make it. I pretty much just wanted to skip Christmas. As the days went on, I had some good days. But the closer Christmas got, the more I was dreading it. Thankfully, I had a handful of good friends who talked me through the rough days or just let me cry...and who still are there anytime I call. But I knew it was going to be hard.

So Christmas came and went. And it was....different. It was hard. Yes, I cried. My dad and I felt kind of out of place at the usual family gatherings. Kind of like we were missing a part of us. And we were. See, not only had we lost a wife and mother...we also lost our best friend. My parents have always been such an example of what true love is all about...and what I can only hope to find one day. And my mom and I shared something special, too, that not everyone has with their mom. So it was almost like having a double loss...on one hand my mom who raised me and prayed for me everyday and who I spent many days with at doctor's offices and hospitals...on the other hand my best friend who I could talk to and shop with and cry to when my heart got broken or laugh with over something crazy we did. And nothing can ever prepare you for a loss like that. It affects you in ways you cannot anticipate. And at times you even feel like you are going a little crazy.

I know that she's in Heaven, and I know without a doubt that I will see her again. But that didn't help with the anger that God had taken her too soon. That there were things I still wanted her here for...like my wedding, my children, Baddour plays (that she and my dad always came to), to cook Christmas goodies with, to talk to when there is no one else who understands, and the list goes on. Or the anger when well meaning people (who really don't know me well) would try to tell me they knew how I felt or what I was going through...because no one knows that except the person going through it. And I didn't want hugs and well wishes. I wanted to scream and cry and just be left alone. I still hate that she won't be here for those things and I still have issues with people other than my close friends trying to "make it better", but the anger is subsiding...and I know that God has a plan. Even though I don't understand it. But it's taken awhile to get to that point. And that's not to say that I won't have moments of anger again. Or moments of crying. Or denial. Or depression. All of those things are normal stages of grief. But today, for the first time since the days before June 3, I began to experience joy and happiness and peace.

Psalm 30:5 says "..weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." The weeping did endure, and it was a long night. But I'm beginning to see signs of the morning. Today I took down those same decorations I put up a month ago. But instead of crying with every ornament, I began to smile and even laugh at some of the memories of years past. And I felt this overwhelming peace and joy...that life was going to be ok. That God was going to do great things and that He would heal my heart.

Now, I still miss my mom and always will. No one can take that place. I'm going to miss cooking all of the treats we used to cook together for Christmas. I'm going to miss those unique Nativity sets she always got me (although my dad and a couple of my friends jumped in and gave me a couple this year...thank you!!!). I still miss the talks we had on the way to her doctor appointments. I miss our lunches. If I am ever blessed to be married and have children, I'm going to miss her not being there at the end of the aisle or in the delivery room. When I face another tragedy or loss or crisis, I'm going to miss having her to talk to. And when I have wonderful news, I'm going to miss rushing home to tell her. And I am thankful that my dad and I have a good relationship and can still share some of these things together.

But I can still have joy. A joy that no one can steal. I'm sure I'll have more nights of weeping, more bad days, more anger, more hurt. My heart has been broken beyond what can ever be fully repaired. But it is on the mend. And the Lord is faithful and will give me strength each day as I need it. And He will be my joy. He will be your joy. I'm sure some who read this have dealt with a loss or pain so deep you think you can never heal. But you can. Or rather He can heal you. He never promised it would be easy, but He did promise to never leave you. Even on days you don't feel Him there, on days when you scream at Him for allowing such pain (which is ok, you know...He's God and He can handle it) and on days when you just want to curl up in your bed and shut out the world...He's still there. And He waits to restore your joy.

I can't wait for the day I get to see my Momma again. But until that day, I'm going to try to live every day to the fullest and be happy...which is what she would want. And the joy I feel now is nothing to compare to the joy I'll feel on that day...when I not only get to see her again, but when I get to meet my Savior face to face for the first time. And I'll be filled with joy unspeakable and feel love beyond comprehension.

So please continue to pray for my dad and me as we continue to navigate this way we've never been before. I know we still have some hard days ahead. But I know with time, the pain will diminish and the happiness will grow. And the joy will return.

Taking a break...

2008-11-03T21:25:00.002-06:00

As you may or may not know, my mother passed away June 3. Since that time, I haven't felt much like blogging...as I'm sure you understand. Not only did I lose my mom...I also lost my best friend. It's been a rough few months, but I hope to be back soon. Thanks for your prayers and thoughts.

Holding On

2008-05-18T18:32:00.009-05:00

Today at church we had a service for the seniors graduating from high school. As I sat there, I thought about life and how different mine has turned out to be from what I thought it would be. I remember my senior year of high school and all the plans and dreams I had. I wanted to be the next (and don't laugh) Debbie Gibson. For those of you too young to know who that is...think Miley Cyrus today. Seriously, I did want to sing and travel and tour and record and all that goes with the music business. I thought I'd be married by 30 and on my way to having the 10 children (yes, I was crazy) I planned to have. I knew I'd be out on my own in my own house. I thought life would be much different from what it is. Sure didn't think I'd still be living at home. Didn't think I'd have my heart broken as badly as I did. Had no idea I'd be doing the work I'm doing now. It makes me wonder about those students from today and how different their life is going to be in 10 years from what they think it will be like today.

However, as I look back over the time since graduation, I realize that even though my life isn't what I thought it would be that it is what it is meant to be. Now, I don't always like the turns my life has taken or the lessons I've had to learn. But I know that each moment has been part of God's plan for me. Even the moments I don't understand.

I have a hard time with waiting. I'm not the most patient person. People think I am because I work with people with intellectual disabilities. And in that respect, maybe I am patient. But in my own personal life, I don't like to wait. God promised that if we delight in Him He would give us the desires of our heart. But I want those desires right now. Not later. I'm also a worrier...although I've gotten better about that in the last year. But put impatience and worry together and a lot of times you get a big mess.

I've been reading "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. It has been an amazing tool God has used to help me see who He is making me to be. They talk about becoming the woman God made me to be and seeing my beauty (which is VERY difficult for me because I don't look at myself as beautiful) and how we need to trust in God for what we need in our lives. But there is a part that has hit home really hard with me. And it is about taking risks, trusting and striving. I don't like to take risks. I don't trust easily. And I strive to try to make my life what I want it to be and worry about things that are out of my control...rather than letting things just happen.

But I'm learning. And I'm getting better at those things. I love to read from "The Message" Bible. The translation is in today's language and makes things so clear. There are a couple of verses that I read almost every day. They are in Ephesians 3. "God can do anything you know - far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us." Wow! That is a pretty cool thing...to know that God can blow our minds with what He can do and that He delights to do it. But there is another verse further up in that passage that is what I fail to remember a lot of times. It says "God handling all the details."

This is where I have a hard time. I love to think that God can give me more than I could ever dream...but I don't always leave Him alone to let Him work it out. I know God is in control. I know He'll do what's best. I know He'll give me more than I ever dreamed. But still, I strive and struggle and beg and plead and try to take control rather than leaving it with Him. No matter how many times He proves faithful and works things out better than I ever could, I still slip back into wanting to take control. But I'm learning. And I have found that a lot of times, if I'll just wait on Him, He gives me not only what I need but also sometimes what I want. I'm also afraid to take the risks that He asks me to take. Even though I know He is with me in the situation and will work it out for my good, I still fear to hope that the risk will pay off and that good things will happen. But again, I'm learning.

And that brings me back to how life has turned out completely different from what I thought it would. I never did get to do the music thing professionally. But I got to become a music therapist and still use music to touch lives and change them. Do I still wish I could sing and travel? There are days I do. But knowing that I'm doing what God put me here to do is much more fulfilling. And who knows? One day He may grant me that request. I still live at home and don't have my own house. But I've been able to develop a good relationship with my parents that not everyone has. I'm not married and I sure don't have those 10 kids I once wanted. But that's ok, too. I'm a different person than I was 10 years ago, and I'm glad I've been able to grow into who I am becoming. And hopefully one day the Lord will bless me with a wonderful man that I can grow old with and with children (although I'm good with 2 or 3 now).

Life has not turned out quite like I planned it. It never does. Maybe yours hasn't either. Maybe like me your career has taken a different path. Maybe you are single and wish for the day someone would love you. Maybe you're divorced and you don't know if you can trust anyone to love you again. Maybe you have health issues you never thought you'd face and life has completely changed. Maybe you've had your heart broken to the point you don't think you'll ever feel you can let anyone in again. Maybe you've lost a child, a parent, a friend way too soon. I could go on and on with a list of ways life has taken the breath out of you. Or maybe your life has turned out how you planned and everything is great. But trust me, at some point life will hit you hard and you will wonder what it's all about.

Jeremiah 29:11 is a favorite verse of mine. It says that the Lord knows the plans He has for us, plans for good and not for evil. Plans to give us a future and a hope. He knows the plans He has for us. They may not be the same plans we have for us. But I can guarantee you that when you get to the end of your road, you will be able to look back and see that His plans were best. I've also found that sometimes those things I thought wanted actually turned out to not be so great. There are days when I question Him a lot and wonder what in the world He's doing. There are days when I think He's left me out here to fight for myself. But He hasn't. And He knows what He's doing. And even though He's proven Himself faithful, I still have a hard time trusting Him to do what's best when things seem to fall apart. But He understands that, too.

So no matter where your life has taken you, no matter what circumstance you find yourself in, you can trust that God is there with you. Even when it's scary or hard or confusing, He knows what He's doing. Sometimes the hardest things we have to go through turn out to be blessings in disguise...preparing us for something greater and more wonderful. And if we will just rest in Him, trust Him and be willing to take the risks He asks us to take, life will turn out as He planned.

FFH has a song on their latest CD called "Holding On." The lyrics have really spoken to me and have helped me see how I just have to hold on to Him and He will provide all I need...and sometimes what I want, too. So hold on to Him and trust Him to work out all the details and to give you the desires of your heart.

"Holding On"
Lord, the wind and the rain are stronger today
Lord, the risk and the pain are scaring me away
But You call me just the same
You call me by name

Lord, I know I could stay but I would never know
Or have the power to stir the deep waters of my soul
So it's a chance I have to take
So willfully I go
Because I know

That when I'm weak
You are strong
Though this road might get long
You are near
And I'm right where I belong
In Your will
Holding on

Lord, you know what I need
And You will provide
Daily bread just for me
And I will survive
This desert of uncertainty
And You'll be my guide if I abide

Cause when I'm weak
You are strong
Though this road might get long
You are near
And I'm right where I belong
In Your will
Holding on

Lord, I'm steady and holding on to You
Lord, I'm steady and holding on to You
Lord, I'm steady and holding on to You
Lord, I'm steady and holding on to You

When I'm weak
You are strong
Though this road might get long
You are near
And I'm right where I belong
In Your will
Holding on

In Your will
Holding on

Resting, Resting

2008-02-29T22:37:00.004-06:00

Resting. In today's world that is a somewhat unknown concept. Merriam Webster dictionary says that to rest is "to cease from action or motion, to be free from anxiety or disturbance; to sit or lie fixed or supported; to remain confident." It also says rest is "freedom from activity or labor; a peace of mind or spirit; a rhythmic silence in music."

It's amazing the pround truths we find when we actually look at what a word means.

I recently got FFH's latest CD called Worship in the Waiting. It is an amazing collection of songs about worship and waiting on the Lord. In the middle of the CD is this wonderful jewel...a new arrangement of an old hymn called "Jesus I Am Resting, Resting." As I first listened to the song, I thought it was a beautiful arrangement and thought it was interesting.

However, life, as it usually does, hits and things knock us off our feet. We then jump to action to try to "fix" things, try to make things better. But what if, just once, instead of trying to deal with the blows life gives we rested in Jesus? What if instead of worrying about how we are going to make it to the next paycheck we rested in Him and trusted Him to provide as He promised He would? What if instead of being anxious over things we cannot control we trusted Him to be our safety and protection as He promised He would? What if instead of trying to work things out that we think are best and in a way we think is best we trusted Him to take care of every detail and give us the desires of our heart as He promised He would? And as life hit, this song became more than just a pretty arrangment. It became a catalyst to draw me closer to the Father. And it showed me something I needed to see.

What if we simply rested in Him?

Which takes me back to the definition of the word rest.

"To cease from action or motion." How many times have you wanted something to work out a certain way - anything from trying to get a certain guy or girl's attention to getting that promotion to buying a house - and you did everything in your power you could to get it? (and usually ended up right back where you started before you started "meddling") Or how many times have you had something bad happen and you tried to fix it in your own way? Next time, try resting in Him. Cease from action or motion and let Him act and move as He knows best and watch the miracles He'll do.

"To be free from anxiety or disturbance." Now this is one that hits home for me. I worry about things that are just stupid to worry about. I'm anxious about things I have no control over. I know a lot of us are like this. We say we are trusting Him but then something happens and we start to doubt that faith. We need to rest in Him. He didn't promise life would be easy, but He did promise He would never leave us and promised that no one can steal us from His hand. With God in control, we can live free from anxiety. If we will only trust.

"To sit or lie fixed or supported." How many times do we try to do things on our own and only when they fail seek His help? To rest in Him means to live knowing He is supporting us in our every endeavor and need. If we fix our eyes on Him and keep our focus where it should be rather than on what we think can or can't be done, we would live resting in Him.

"To remain confident." Hmmm... Confidence is not one of my strong points. I am always doubting myself, my talents, my abilities, my looks. You name it, I probably have an issue with being confident about it. However, to rest is to remain confident. And here's the thing. If I rest in Him, I can be confident in Him. And even when my confidence wavers, I know He will be my confidence. And I know that as my Creator, He equipped me with everything I need to be who He made me to be and to accomplish the purpose He placed me on this earth for.

"Freedom from activity or labor." In today's society people who take time to rest are viewed sometimes as lazy or as carefree. But God told us we needed to rest. Really rest. Even when we are home from work, a lot of us still work. We can be too busy. We run here and there and fill our lives with things that we think are important. We think that if we take a break the world will stop turning and everything around us will fall apart. And I know not everyone will agree with this next statement, but sometimes even church and doing things that we think are spiritual can get in the way of resting in Him - especially when those things get in the way of our worship or take the place of our worship of Him. Sometimes God calls us to cease from everything but resting in Him. If you find that life is keeping you from Him, you may need to evaluate your priorities. It's a trap we all fall into. But our spirits need refreshing. God did not create us to go 24/7 and never rest. He created us to be relational...and most of all of have a relationship with Him. Resting in Him is a very important part of that. It is how we refresh our spirits. Which leads to the next point.

"A peace of mind or spirit." Be honest. How many of us actually have a peace of mind or spirit. II Timothy 1:7 tells us the God didn't give us a spirit of fear but one of power, love and a sound mind. I don't know about you, but I don't often live that kind of life. Love...ok, that comes pretty easily for me for the most part - most days. Power and a sound mind are another story. But if we will rest in Him, He will give us that power to do what He has called us to do and a sound mind and will surround us with His love.

"A rhythmic silence in music." Now you may wonder why I included this part of the definition. What does this have to do with resting in Jesus. Well, I'm a musical person. I have a passion for music and it's effects on people...I mean that's why I'm a music therapist. But have you every listened to a beautiful song and there will be a pause at just the right moment. Sometimes it's a dramatic pause and then the music swells back in and blows you away. Sometimes it's a soft, simple pause and the music will softly come back in and bring a tear to your eye. Either way it makes the music after the pause that much sweeter. That is an analogy for life. I view life as a big symphony written by the Master Musician. It is full of crescendos and flowing phrases, harsh chords and beautiful melodies. And rests. Life is tough. It's not something you just take the scenic route through. Like a musical composition, life takes work. A composer doesn't just sit down and pop out a song in 5 minutes. (ok...well some do, and I'm jealous of those people...but most work on compositions for awhile) They tweak it to make it perfect. They play through a line and change a note or chord. They may change a lyric. And in order for a piece of music to be complete, there usually has to be a rest somewhere. If not, the chords would run together and lyrics would turn into jumble. God writes our life out like a beautiful composition. And at times, there are times of rest. We have to take time to rest in Him so the symphony of our life can be complete. He works on us. Changes us. Disciplines us. Loves us. And calls us to rest. And just like in music, the moment right after the rest is sweet. And we can go on with power and love and continue in the work He has given us to do.

Resting. Something we all need. If you go for days without sleep, at some point your body is going to shut down. If we go without spiritual rest, at some point our spirit will shut down. Jesus calls us to rest in Him. What greater invitation can you receive? None. For nowhere but in the sweet presence of our Lord can we find all we need and all we desire. Nowhere else can we find the unconditional love and acceptance we crave. Nowhere else can we find the peace and joy our hearts long for.

I hope you will take time to learn to rest in your Father. And come to know the sweetness of His love and provision.

"Jesus I Am Resting, Resting"
(Jean S. Pigott, James Mountain)

Jesus I am resting, resting
In the joy of what Thou art
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart

Thou hast bid me gaze upon Thee
As Thy beauty fills my soul
For, by Thy transforming power
Thou hast made me whole

Jesus I am resting, resting
In the joy of what Thou art
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart

Simply trusting Thee, Lord Jesus
I behold Thee as Thou art
And Thy love, so pure, so changeless
Satisfies my heart
Satisfies its deepest longings
Meets, supplies its every need
You encompass me with blessings
Thine is love indeed

Jesus I am resting, resting
In the joy of what Thou art
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart

Ever lift Thy face upon me
As I work and wait for Thee
Resting 'neath Thy smile, Lord Jesus
Earth's dark shadows flee
Brightness of my Father's glory
Sunshine of my Father's face
Keep me ever trusting, resting
Fill me with Thy grace

Jesus I am resting, resting
In the joy of what Thou art
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart

Roller Coasters

2008-02-03T20:30:00.001-06:00

Roller coasters. Hate them! Well, usually. I'm afraid of heights (yet I love to go parasailing...go figure). And I hate not being in control of myself. So put those two things together, and you see why I hate roller coasters. I'm just not a fan of being thrown up and down and upside down at very fast speeds. And how can I be sure the track won't just spontaneously break apart? But, sometimes, if I garner my courage, I will ride a roller coaster. Why? Because I'm crazy? Well, yeah, that, too. :) But basically I sometimes ride them to prove to myself I can do it. And usually, after the ride is over, I'm not only proud of myself for actually doing it, but I also like the thrill of the ride. And I learn something about myself and those fears I had start to get smaller. I also learn that I can trust the engineer who designed and created the roller coaster.

Such is life. This life is one big roller coaster ride. Scary. Fun. Wild. Worth it. Life could be simple. No ups and downs. Just monotony. God could have created it to be that way. But He didn't. And while there are times that I wish He would, I'm so thankful He didn't.

A few weeks ago I was definitely in one of those lows. Work was crazy. I felt like if one more thing was asked of me I would just fall apart. I was tired. I was struggling with just a bunch of different things. I had a friend who was going through a hard time. Another friend was struggling with figuring out her direction in life. Another friend is fighting cancer along with dealing with the loss of a friend. It just seemed like one thing after another. And I questioned God. A lot.

Some people think it's wrong to question Him. But I believe He welcomes those questions. When life gets so out of control, who better to go to than God. I wondered why my friend was not only fighting her own battle with cancer but also had to lose a friend to the same disease. I wondered why my friend had to have heart broken yet again. I wondered about my job and if I was really making a difference. I wondered about this and a lot more. And God listened. He listened to my cries and prayers and screams.

During this time, a friend of mine posted a blog wondering about direction in life and wondering why God allowed certain things and why He didn't always let us in on the answers to the questions we ask. Would it make life any easier if we knew what was coming around the corner? If we knew what was going to happen next? But life isn't that way. Just like that roller coaster and the not knowing what is next on the track, life throws things at you that you don't expect. Sometimes those things are hard. They are difficult and bad and throw us for a stomach lurching loop. I responded to my friend's blog with this: I just wish sometimes God would send me a letter in the mail each week outlining everything. But I guess that's how we learn and grow. And I don't think I'd enjoy life as much if I did know the outcomes of stuff and knew what was going to happen before it happened...that would take away the not understanding the hard stuff. But it would also take away the excitement of surprises that lie just around the corner...and I don't want to miss that. :)So we take the good with the bad...and hopefully when all is said and done, the good will far outweigh the bad.

Sometimes those unexpected twists and turns are glorious surpises that knock our socks off. After the rough few weeks at work and the sadness of listening to the problems my friends were having and struggling with my own value and worth, God sent one of those stomach lurching turns that was exhilarating and fun!

If you don't know, I work as a music therapist (and run the expressive arts program) for a residential community for adults with intellectual disabilties. I have a resident who I connected with when I first started working there. He has Down's syndrome and is such a delight to work with...when he's not being stubborn. :) Over the last few years, he and I have connected and bonded over music. He loves music! His favorite thing to play in class is his lollipop drum, but he loves the guitar and piano as well. I've always noticed that he keeps a steady beat when he plays along to music, but I never really did anything with that. Until the last couple of weeks.

Back in December, I was privileged to go see Blake Lewis perform. {Yes, this is vital to the story and not just a blatant plug. :) I promise.} He performed with his drummer, KJ Sawka. After their performance, I was fortunate to get to meet them both and get pictures with them. It was a fun night, and I was giddy from getting to meet them but really thought nothing else about it. Then I found out that KJ had CD's of his own drum and bass music. I'd never really heard anything like this before, but I was intrigued and very impressed, so I bought his stuff. Well, a couple of weeks ago, my intern and I were talking and I thought about my resident and how he loves to drum. And I had the idea to try some of KJ's music with him. So I did, and it was amazing! My resident loved the music! He played complex beats. He smiled and danced. He just lit up! We set up the full drum set and let him play along on it. And wow! It was beyond words.

And that brings me back the exhilarating highs of life! Here I was, basically wondering if what I did every day made a difference. And then God surprises me to no end! Only God could take music from some guy in Seattle and turn it into an outlet for this resident to realize his full potential. And in turn use it to touch not only my life but also KJ, who was happy that his music could reach someone like that.

And I realized that as low as those lows can be and as hard as life sometimes gets, I wouldn't trade it for anything. Because it's those lows that make you appreciate the high times of life so much. The breakthrough with this resident couldn't have come at a better time. It not only showed me that I do make a difference every day, which is cool by itself. But it also showed me that, just as I can trust the engineer who designed those scary roller coasters, I can trust the God who designed me and created this roller coaster of life. And it showed me that my God is a God who delights in surprising me in the most amazing and jaw dropping ways!

I still hate roller coasters, but every now and then, if you're lucky, you can witness me actually ride one. And it is always worth it! I don't always like the twists and turns that life throws my way, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. It's what makes us who we are. We all have our stories that God weaves together into a beautiful tapestry. Only He can take a broken heart and use it to bring two friends closer. Only He can take a body ravaged by cancer and make it a testimony to His grace. Only He can take music created by someone a thousand miles away and use it to touch a person who the world views as a nobody. Only He can take a sinner and set them free.

One of my favorite verses if Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Last week I was updating my iPod and found an older song I had forgotten about. But God knew I needed to hear it, and I hope you will find comfort in its words, too. It is by Crystal Lewis entitled "Why". I pray you will rest in Him to keep you safe and secure in this roller coaster of life. And I hope you learn to enjoy and cherish each and every moment that life brings.

Why

My thoughts they overwhelm me, my mind cannot contain
The pain that is within me. Why?
I long for understanding, I live to know the peace
That comes from being sure of something
My eyes are blind to your ways, oh Lord.
Yet, I've seen you love and care, so

I'll rest in Your knowing though I may not know
I take on Your strength as though it were my own
Standing on the promises Your word for me provides
I find therein the answer to the question why

My complaint today is bitter, but sweet is Your reply
My questioning still lingers though, why
You know each road I travel down, my heart and Yours are one
I just don't see the good in all this
My eyes are blind to your ways, oh Lord.
Yet, I've seen you love and care, so

I'll rest in Your knowing though I may not know
I take on Your strength as though it were my own
Standing on the promises Your word for me provides
I find therein the answer to the question why

Through suffering and sorrow come peace beyond belief
For our present set of circumstances serve only to remind us
Of the gold we can't yet see

I'll rest in Your knowing though I may not know
I take on Your strength as though it were my own
Standing on the promises Your word for me provides
I find therein the answer to the question why

The Meaning of Christmas

2007-12-24T11:10:00.000-06:00

I haven't really been in the "spirit" for Christmas this year. It's driving me crazy because normally I'm all about Christmas. Giving gifts to friends and family. Christmas cards. All the good food. Spending time with family and friends. Christmas carols. I usually drive everyone crazy because I start listening to Christmas music in October! Every year I always write out my own Christmas card, print them and mail them. I love to cook and normally have cooked non stop by this time of year.

But this year has been different. I've hardly listened to Christmas music. I didn't send out cards. Even shopping for gifts this year was a chore. I haven't cooked a ton of food. It's just been weird. And it's not been me.

But as I sit to write this blog, I realize that, as important and fun as all those things are, they are not really, truly what Christmas is about. Those things and traditions are a part of Christmas...but they are not the reason for it.

I collect Nativity sets. I put as many out as I can each year at Christmas. And I'm afraid that at times, this year included, I have simply put them out as collectibles. I haven't taken the time to really think about what they represent. Oh, I know they depict the birth of Christ. But do I really take the time to think about what that really means? And sadly enough, I don't always do that.

This year I watched "The Nativity Story" for the first time. And I've watched it twice so far. It brought me back to the realization of what this season is all about. I watched the struggle that Mary and Joseph went through for this baby. I saw the faith that they both had, even in the midst of judgement from others. I saw the joy on their face when they realized that she had just given birth to the Savior. And I wanted that joy. That was the moment that touched me the most, that brought tears to my eyes. The realization that God - eternal, all powerful, great God - loved me enough to risk it all to come save me.

That is a powerful and awe-inspiring thing. He didn't have to do that. But He took on flesh, allowed himself to be totally dependent on two people who had no clue where life was going to take them. He chose not to be born in an age of convenience and electricity and running water and hotels. But He chose to enter this life in a tough and dangerous time and be born in a stable. There were no hospitals, no doctors or nurses, no epidurals. Nothing. Not even clean cloths to wrap Him in. Why? Why would He do that for someone like me? Someone who tries to live the best she can and tries to please Him, but who fails miserably every day. Someone who is selfish and moody sometimes. Someone who has taken Him for granted.

But He did. He loved me enough that no matter what I do or don't do, He still loves me. He loves me! And He loves you! What a thought!

So that brings me back to those traditions I haven't looked forward to this year. There is a girl, Amanda, who has been fighting cancer. I have been in contact with her through email and read her blog updates. We share a love of the music of Elliott Yamin and Blake Lewis (surprised?). And somehow God has allowed our lives to meet. She wrote a few days ago about how Christmas would be different for her this year, having to spend it in the hospital. But she also commented that Christmas is what you make it and that it is about Jesus. She is wise beyond her years.

So maybe, just maybe, God has allowed me not to be excited about all these "normal" Christmas traditions to bring my focus back to the One important thing. Jesus. We get so wrapped up in parties and gifts and travel and rarely take time to honor the One we should be celebrating. And if that is what He intended - to draw my focus back to where it needs to be - then I am thankful.

Christmas is not about all of these "things." It's about the One who came so we might have life and have it more abundantly! Yes, abundantly! That does not mean sitting around letting life pass you by. It means get out there and live!

So my prayer for you this Christmas is that as you spend time with your family and friends, as you give and receive gifts, as you sing those carols...remember to take some time to honor Jesus. Because without Him there would be no Christmas. There would be no life. There would be no joy.

I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas! And I hope the New Year brings you joy and peace and hope!

God Speaking

2007-10-20T21:07:00.000-05:00

I know I have said this a million times, but it just never ceases to amaze me how perfect God's timing is. My friend, Ruth, gifts me songs through iTunes every so often, and every time she does, I never download it right away. That may be perceived as procrastination (and those of you who know me well, know that is a possibility). However, I view it as God Speaking in His time.

Awhile back, Ruth sent me Mandisa's song "God Speaking." I had heard what a wonderful song this was, and I couldn't wait to hear it. But as usual, I didn't download it right away. So one night sitting at my computer, I remember the song and downloaded it. And it blew me away! The words were exactly what I needed to hear at that time. See...God's timing.

As I listened to the song, I thought about the many, many conversations I've had with my parents, Ruth and a couple of my other friends about how God speaks to us in unexpected ways. A lot of us live in a box and try to fit God into that box and go through life so selfishly and so unaware of what is around us. We are too concerned with our life and our desires and our needs that we don't take the time to look at other people and other things. And that is a shame.

As those of you reading my blog and who are close friends already know, I have been going through sort of a transformation over the last couple of years. A little over two years ago, I suffered from major depression and anxiety. I went to couseling, took some medication and changed a lot of things in my life. I made my salvation sure. And I began to throw away all of the "put God in a box" things I had been told my whole life and start anew and discover who God really was. And my life has changed so much for the better!

Instead of seeing the glass as half empty, I now see it as half full and actually expect it to fill back up. I try to look at the big picture and not let little trivial things bother me. I make an attempt to see others as God sees them and show them a little kindness. I've stopped worrying about screwing up every five minutes and have learned to live freely in the grace of God. And life has been so much more fun and free and worthwhile and, I believe, more of what God intended it to be.

I've also become more aware of little things around me. The purple wildflowers on the side of the road...God knows my favorite color is purple and knows the days I need a little beauty in my life, and call me crazy, but I believe He puts them there for me, to bring me a little joy. My favorite singer {Elliott Yamin...if you've been living under a rock for the last couple of years :) } will come on the radio unexpectedly....God knows his music brings a smile to my face, and call me really crazy, but I believe He knows the times I need a smile. My favorite resident (and yes, techinally I don't have favorites) asks to go eat lunch with me...the first time he has EVER asked anyone to go to lunch.....God knows the bond we have and what that meant to me to have him ask me that and gave him the words to say. Another friend and I have both felt this desire to do something more with our lives, to help more people and use our gifts in music and art to do so...and God has started slowly opening up doors to do that...and we can't wait to see how wide he busts all those doors open.

Now, not all of these examples nor all of the things God uses to speak to us or bring a smile or joy to our lives are of a "spiritual" nature per se, but is not God the Creator of all things? Can He not use whatever He wants to use to show us His love?

And that brings me to the lyrics of "God Speaking." This song says so much better what I've been rambling on and on trying to say. God will do and use whatever He wants to to let us know He loves us. After all, that is the central and most important message in scripture...God loves you! And He will go to the ends of the earth to show you that. I believe that is true because He does that on a daily basis with me. No matter what I've done or not done, no matter how bad I mess up, He still goes out of His way to show me He still loves me. Wow! No one else has ever or will ever be able to offer that kind of unconditional love. So I leave you with the lyrics to the song. I hope you will read over them, even download the song, and let it speak to your heart. And I hope you will take time out each day to seek out the little and common ways God is telling you how much He loves you! And take the time to share that love with each and every person you come in contact with.

God Speaking by Mandisa

Have you ever heard a love song
That set your spirit free
Have you ever watched a sunrise
And felt you could not breathe
What if it's Him
What if it's God speaking

Have you ever cried a tear that
You could not explain
Have you ever met a stranger
That already knew your name
What if it's Him
What if it's God speaking

Who knows how He'll get a hold of us
Get our attention to prove He is enough
He'll do and He'll use
Whatever He wants to
To tell us I love you

Have you ever lost a loved one
Who you thought should still be here
Do you know what it feels like
To be tangled up in fear
What if He's somehow involved
What if He's speaking through it all

Who knows how He'll get a hold of us
Get our attention to prove He is enough
He'll do and He'll use
Whatever He wants to
To tell us I love you

His ways are higher
His ways are better
Though sometimes strange
What could be stranger Than God in a manger

Who knows how He'll get a hold of us
Get our attention to prove
He is enough
Who knows how He'll get a hold of you
Get your attention to prove He is enough
He'll do and He'll use
Whatever He wants to
To tell us I love you

God is speaking
I love you

Free To Live

2007-08-12T17:21:00.000-05:00

I have finally returned to writing my blog. I hope to write more regularly from now on. I basically have been suffering from writer's block. I've had several ideas, sat down to write and come up with nothing. Then one day last week, after reading a passage in Colossians, it all just started to flow and it wouldn't stop. :) And that goes to prove that God's timing and wisdom is better than mine. And He knows the when's, what's, how's and who's of every situation better than I ever could. So now for the blog...

Free to Live

I have been struggling with some things over the last few months...learning to wait as it appears everyone but me is attaining their dreams and desires, not being afraid to live and enjoy life, not fitting in at all in the small town I live in, trying to figure out what living a Christian life really means...and the same question keeps popping up in my head.

Am I following a list of rules trying to make God love me enough and trying to please people or am I living freely in Christ? And yes, there is a BIG difference.

So many of us, me included, have wasted precious time worried about doing the right thing and making sure we don't make a mistake rather than worrying about loving God and loving others and making sure we take in all God has given us. We can't be afraid to live. I spent many years following a predetermined list of do's & don'ts that I perceived to be the way to live a good Christian life. While doing that, I've missed out on many opportunities that God placed before me, afraid I'd mess up. I guess I was kind of like the servant who buried his talent rather than investing it. Over the last couple of years, God has begun to change my heart and my way of thinking.

We can't be afraid to live! Yes, there are rights and wrongs and things that God has set forth that we need to obey. But we can't live life in a protective box afraid we'll mess up or succumb to temptation or say the wrong thing. Might we do those things? Yes, we might and usually do. But the cool thing is, the thing that brings freedom is knowing that if we do screw up, if we do sin, forgiveness has already been offered! Take the story of the prodigal son. His father loved him. It didn't matter what he had done, how he had lived...His father never stopped loving him. Did he have to suffer some consequences for his actions? Yes. I mean, he ended up living in a pig pen and eating their slop. However, when he finally came back home, did his father judge him or condemn him? No! He stood there with loving open arms and threw him a party and welcomed him home! Jesus told this story to give us a picture of God's love for us...and if God loves us with this kind of passion and abandon, shouldn't we love each other the same way? And shouldn't we live each day with that kind of passion and abandon?

We should be free to live and enjoy the beauty and joy God provided around us. We can miss out on so much when we live in fear. A person is not saved by following a laundry list of rules; a person is saved by the free gift of Christ's sacrifice on the cross. So if we aren't saved based on anything we do, why do we think we should live our lives based on a list of rules. Yes, when you are saved, you put off the old things and all things are made new. You live to please and glorify and worship God. But when you worry more about do's and don'ts than you do about loving God and sharing that love with others, your focus is on the wrong thing. Your focus shifts to what you do or don't do rather than to what God has done. And when you do this, you live in fear rather than love. I John 4:18 - 19 says, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us." When we are afraid that God is some big guy just waiting to pop us because we mess up, we have a very wrong view of God. The God I know loves me and forgives me and welcomes me back home every time I mess up. Do you know the freedom that gives you?? Not a freedom to keep sinning or keep doing wrong, but a freedom to live in love and not be afraid to take a chance or take a risk. A freedom to live and know that God will never leave you or forsake you. (Hebrews 13:5) A freedom to want to live the way you know will please God. A freedom to enjoy the life He gave you.

Over the last few months, my anthem per se has been Kelly Clarkson's "Sober." No this is not a "Christian" song...but you know what? I've found that God can use just about anything to speak to us, if we will only listen (but that's another blog for another time). The second verse of this song says: "...at the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me. So I won't worry 'bout my timing; I wanna get it right. No comparing, second guessing, no not this time." How much time have I wasted worrying about timing? "I'm 33 and not married...oh my gosh!" (my own concern or a worry that the world has placed on me?). How much time have I wasted comparing myself to others? "I'm not thin enough, pretty enough, good enough, don't sing as well" and the list goes on. (again, my worry or something others have placed on me?) How much time have I wasted second guessing choices that I've made? "Should I have taken that job?" (did I pray about it and feel led to take it? does it make me happy?) We waste so much time worrying about all these things and more rather than living freely in Christ and just enjoying life and trusting His timing and wisdom.

Another thing we tend to worry about is our friends' and families' lives. It is not our place to judge. Last time I looked, God was the one in charge of that. Do I have friends who do things I don't agree with? Sure. But you know what? I guarantee you I do things they don't agree with.

Consider Colossians 2:13 - 3:15:

13When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, 14having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross. 15And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross. 16Therefore do not let anyone judge you by what you eat or drink, or with regard to a religious festival, a New Moon celebration or a Sabbath day. 17These are a shadow of the things that were to come; the reality, however, is found in Christ. 18Do not let anyone who delights in false humility and the worship of angels disqualify you for the prize. Such a person goes into great detail about what he has seen, and his unspiritual mind puffs him up with idle notions. 19He has lost connection with the Head (Jesus), from whom the whole body, supported and held together by its ligaments and sinews, grows as God causes it to grow.
20Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules: 21"Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!"? 22These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings. 23Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence.

This passage continues and tells us how we should live and how we should put off our sinful nature, but it also tells us to live with humility and love:

Colossians 3

1Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. 2Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. 3For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. 4When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.
5Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. 6Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. 7You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. 8But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. 9Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices 10and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. 11Here there is no Greek or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all. (Notice how in verses 8 - 9 he lists some more sins that we tend to not think of as being "as bad" as those listed in verse 5. Sin is sin. I have no right to judge someone who may be sexually immoral when I myself have a problem with anger or gossip/slander. That is why we need to leave the judging to God and we need to concentrate on loving others in the name of Christ.)
12Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
15Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.

My job as a Christian is not to police others. My job as a Christian is to LOVE others regardless of what they do, who they are, anything. That is what God has done for us...why should we do any less? Look at it this way. Trust me, more people are drawn to God and salvation in Christ by people who have shown them love than by those who have judged or condemned them. And that is exactly what Colossians 2 - 3 says.

So I challenge you this week to start to live freely. Take time to notice the beauty around you and to live without fear. Might you mess up? Yep. In fact, you'll probably make a lot of mistakes this week. But you can live knowing that God is there, waiting with open arms to pick you back up and set you on the right path again. Take time to truly love others and focus more on the fact that they are wonderfully created by God, and that fact alone should cause us to want to share His love with them. Focus on being humble, gentle, compassionate, kind and patient with others rather than on pointing out what they've done wrong.

And most of all, start to live freely in Christ - the way God made you to live! There is more to life out there...take hold of it and live!

Rock Around the Block

2007-06-08T09:56:00.000-05:00

I am taking a little break from blogging due to our play at work. I will return with a new blog in July. But if you are in the area, please come see our musical.

Rock Around the Block
June 21, 7:00 pm
June 22, 7:00 pm
June 23, 2:00 pm & 7:00 pm
June 24, 2:00 pm

The residents are doing a good job, and it's going to be a rip-roaring good time with music from the 50's! If you would like tickets, please leave me a comment.

Conversations With God

2007-05-15T21:51:00.000-05:00

Prayer. Does it come easy or is it some big looming task you are afraid to try? Prayer is simply a conversation with a God who loves you more than you could ever imagine. One of my favorite songs about prayer is "Before It Was Said" by FFH:

Every day I sit and pray to God above
To watch over me and my family
But every day I seem to pray the same old thing
In the same old way, and I start to think

That maybe I should change
And find something better to say
But I've learned to believe
You always hear me when I pray

So I get down on my knees
'Cause I'm stronger than these
Voices inside of my head
They try to deceive me
And make me believe
That I would be better instead
To take my requests and put them to rest
But You're already one step ahead
You knew just what I would say
Before it was said

Every night I lie awake wondering
If You're listening to every heartbeat
You've told me that You know the deepest part of me
And You'll watch over me and my family

So I guess I shouldn't change
'Cause You hear every word that I say
And I knew You are here
When I come to You this way

So I get down on my knees
'Cause I'm stronger than these
Voices inside of my head
They try to deceive me
And make me believe
That I would be better instead
To take my requests and put them to rest
But You're already one step ahead
You knew just what I would say
Before it was said

So I guess I shouldn't change
'Cause You hear every word that I say
And I knew You were here
When I knelt down today

So I get down on my knees
'Cause I'm stronger than these
Voices inside of my head
They try to deceive me
And make me believe
That I would be better instead
To take my requests and put them to rest
But You're already one step ahead
You knew just what I would say
Before it was said

This weekend as I drove to a friend's graduation, I was randomly playing some old CD's I hadn't listened to in awhile. I found an old FFH CD and popped it in, jamming out and singing at the top of my lungs. When this song came on, I sang along. And then I realized something new about prayer.

I believe prayer is simply talking with God. A lot of times we hear great preachers and men of God pray using big words and flowery phrases with "Thee" and "Thou". We read great prayers of old. And many times we feel intimidated thinking there is no way we can measure up. However, God is not impressed by flowery lines and flowing phrases. He is touched by the person praying and by their sincerity and the intent of their heart.

If your view of prayer is one of formality where you have to set aside a specific time and place every day to pray then I can understand why it can seem to be such a daunting task. Now I am not saying that having a daily quiet time with God is not important or a good thing to do. It is. However, if you will view prayer as simply a conversation with God, something you can do anytime, anywhere, I think you may pray more and come to enjoy these moments with the Father.

You can pray all throughout the day. In the shower. Brushing your teeth. Doing the dishes. On the way to work. As you lay down to sleep. While you are typing on the computer. (In fact, I prayed a lot while typing this because my computer froze up.) These prayers do not have to be formal. They don't have to contain big words and big requests. They are simple and to the point conversations. It is during these times that I personally can be more honest and open with God than I could ever be with anyone else. I view these moments with the Father just as I would talking with a friend or my parents or my boss. Prayer is meant to be a means of communication with God. And just as I would communicate with any person here, I can communicate with my Father. I may request He keeps my family safe while I'm brushing my teeth. I may thank Him for the beautiful cluster of purple flowers on the side of the road while driving to work. I may ask for wisdom how to order my day. And as I do this, each moment becomes a holy moment. A moment when the God of the universe bends His ear to hear my voice.

And this brings me back to the "something new" I learned this weekend. As I listened to the words of the song I really connected with the line about praying the same old thing every day and thinking I should change my prayer. I know I pray some of the same things over and over and over. Yes, I add new requests here and there and a new praise. But my basic prayers are similar each day. And then I realized as those words played over and over - If I view my prayers as conversations with God and think of them as I think of conversations with others, then why be so worried about repeating the same things? God is not so worried about the content of our prayer as He is the content of our heart. Every morning, my mother and I have almost the same conversation over breakfast. She asks how I slept. I answer and ask her the same. She asks if I want coffee. I ask about her blood sugar. We have a version of this same conversation almost daily. Does it make it any less important? No. Does it mean we are just making small talk and don't care about each other's answers? No. We are both genuine in asking and interested in the answers.

I believe the same holds true for our talks with God. Yes, I may repeat myself. But you know what? Like the song says, He already knows what I'm going to say before I say it. And He does care and is interested in the mundane, repetitive things in my life. He enjoys fellowship with us. He made us to have fellowship with Him. Part of that fellowship is prayer. Simply coming before Him to talk and share our day, our desires, our hurts, our needs. Talking to Him about anything, anytime, anywhere. And He promises to listen. If we will learn to converse with Him throughout the day about the normal routine things of life, it will become easier to come to Him with the big stuff we face, as well. And He will become the first person we seek answers and advice from. Prayer will become just as natural as breathing.

So this week, I challenge you to view prayer in a new way. Start learning to just talk with God throughout the day just as you would talk to your family or friends. He is always there, ready and waiting to fellowship with His creation. He can't wait to hear what you have to say. We may not always get the answer we want. But if you will learn to view prayer as simply talking with your Father, you will learn the answer isn't as important as the time you spend asking.

Redeeming Love Has Been My Theme

2007-04-16T21:54:00.000-05:00

Last week I began listening to a CD that one of my best friends sent me...a compilation of songs that told the "story" of her life for the past year. There were two songs that stood out and touched me deeply. I'll get back to this in a moment.

If you know me, you know that I deeply desire to be a wife and a mother at some point in my life. Not that I'm rushing it now or that I feel any kind of "clock ticking." A few months ago that would be true; but now I am learning to be content in my circumstances. And if you know me, you know I am very picky and refuse to settle just to satisfy the norms of society. So last week, as I was driving home from work, I was listening to the CD my friend sent me. There is a hymn on the CD, "There Is a Fountain" sung by Selah. I have sung this hymn thousands of times in my life and never have really felt the impact of the words until last week. As I was listening the words of the chorus hit a place in my heart that just moved me to tears and allowed an "epiphany" of sorts to happen. "Redeeming love has been my theme and shall be till I die."

And that's when it hit me on the drive home. Redeeming love. An unconditional love that does whatever it takes to win my love. Isn't that what I'm looking for? Isn't that what everyone is looking for? I long for someone to pursue me, to do all they can to win my love. To truly desire me and love me for who I am. And suddenly, as I heard and sang those words over and over again, the Father gently began to speak to my heart, and I began to understand a wonderful truth.

I have a mental list of certain qualities and characteristics that I seek in a husband. They vary from the very deep and spiritual (like he has to be a Christian and be willing to be the spiritual leader of our home without being a dictator and ruler) to the very odd and mundane (like being able to have a 3 hour conversation over a cup of coffee). This list is only in my head, and is subject to change on occasion. I do not seek perfection, but I do have high standards - which I believe I'm entitled to have and which everyone should have. The divorce rate would be a lot lower...but that is another blog.

So this brings me back to the drive home and the song and the wonderful truth I discovered. This redeeming love I'm searching for, this wonderful lover and friend, this amazing person who loves me more than I can comprehend...He's already here. As I started to go over in my mind that night this list of mine, the Father started to show me how He already fulfills all of those things in His own way.

Here are some examples. I want someone who will surprise me with little notes about how much he loves me or that just have some encouraging word on them. Well, God already does that in His word. Every time I open my Bible and read, I find some treasure that He left for me to find. And I find those treasures, those notes at the exact times I need them. He always leads me to a verse or passage that is relevant to exactly what I'm dealing with at that time. Hmm...could be on to something here.

I want someone that I can talk to for hours on end and it feel like no time has gone by. Well, I already have someone I can talk to. God is available 24/7, no matter what mood I'm in, no matter what the day. And He wants me to talk with Him and spend time with Him. So if I'm mad and need someone to yell at, He doesn't mind. If I'm sad and need a shoulder to cry on, He listens as I pour my heart out to Him. If I just want a sounding board, He listens to every word. No matter the subject, the mood, the time of day, I can talk to Him for hours and know that He truly listens and cares. And that He is interested in everything I have to say. Could it be?

I have a problem with confrontation and have this unfounded fear of someone leaving me if I let them in on the real me. So I tend to keep up walls, afraid to let people in on the real me. Well, guess what? God not only knows the real me, He made the real me.I can be honest and open. And He will never leave me! No matter the mistakes I make, He will not walk away. He stands by my side no matter what. He will go to bat for me. He knows me better than I know myself and loves me anyway. How many human beings can you say that about? He will never break my heart. And heaven knows it's been broken badly before. Hmmm...

I want someone to bring me flowers and give me little gifts...not necessarily spend a lot of money...but gifts that are from the heart. A poem, a bouquet of wildflowers, a night out on the town. Again, God already does this day after day. This week on my way to work, I noticed these little bouquets of white flowers that are popping up all over. Now, this may be considering myself too important, but you know what? I think He put those there just for me. And if you have noticed them, too...He put them there just for you. His gifts are personal and special. I know that in the past couple of months, He has blown my socks off with His gifts. My friend that sent the CD...He has used her in an amazing way to bless me. And she came into my life at just the right time. Which leads me to my next point.

Timing. As humans we screw up on the timing of stuff so often. I do it all the time. Mostly, I'm too impatient and try to work things out myself. Often, we are "too busy" to attend to the needs of others. Or we say we'll get to it later. Well, God's timing is perfect. Again, the CD is a perfect example. I actually received the CD in the mail almost a month ago, but I just "didn't have a chance" to listen to it. Of course, that was all part of God's plan. I wasn't supposed to listen to it until last week. Not until I was ready and my heart was ready for the gift that it turned out to be. And I was given the gift of two wonderful songs (well more than that actually, but two that stood out). They were exactly what I needed at that precise time in my life. God knew He was getting ready to deal with me about something specific and that those songs were what I needed. Last month, this same friend sent me an iTunes gift of the song "None But Jesus" (which I advise listening to). She sent it to me weeks before I actually downloaded and listened to it. One night, at a down time with tears in my eyes, I remembered her gift. So I downloaded it. Coincidence? I choose to believe not. If I had opened that song any earlier, it would not have ministered to me the way I needed it to. Again, God's timing is perfect. I think I am on to something.

I also want someone who loves music. This may not seem like a big deal, but if you know me, you know how important music is to me. I want someone who understands the passion I have for music and how it can reach me the way nothing else can. Well, since God created music, I'm pretty sure he understands this.

These are just a few of the things that floated through my mind on that drive home. And I realized that everything that I'm looking for in another person, I already have in my Savior. Yes, I do still long for an earthly relationship with an amazing man...the one God has for me. But while I wait on Him to work that miracle (and love truly is a miracle - what else do you call two complete strangers with two completely different personalities traveling through life together and enjoying every minute of it - a gift only God can give), I can learn to be content and satisfied with my relationship with Him. I know that in His time He will bring the most wonderful person into my life, and He will delight to surprise me beyond comprehension with that gift. But for now, it's just me and Him. I am His and He is mine. See, even if we are blessed in this life to find true love, it will end. Be it a broken heart due to a break up or a broken heart due to death. But His love will never end. It is eternal and amazing and wonderful and surprising and any other word you can think of to describe it. Redeeming love has been my theme and shall be till I die.

Now for the second song I mentioned at the first of this blog. As I wait, my prayer is that I will be used by God to help others, to better the world for someone else, to do what He calls me to do. So I pray as you read the lyrics to this song, your desire will also be to be a "living prayer" to Him. The words are so appropriate for those of us who are single; yet it is appropriate for anyone who seeks to live for Him. After all, what more do we have to offer this Love who never ends than to be a living prayer for Him.

A Living Prayer by Allison Krauss

In this world I walk alone
With no place to call my home
But there's one who holds my hand
The rugged road through barren lands

The way is dark, the road is steep
But He's become my eyes to see
The strength to climb, my griefs to bear
The Savior lives inside me there

In Your love I find release
A haven from my unbelief
Take my life and let me be
A living prayer, my God to Thee

In these trials of life I find
Another voice inside my mind
He comforts me and bids me live
Inside the love
the Father gives

In Your love I find release
A haven from my unbelief
Take my life and let me be
A living prayer, my God to Thee

Take my life and let me be
A living prayer, my God to Thee

Prayer for Virginia Tech

2007-04-16T21:48:00.000-05:00

Normally I would be posting a new blog as it is Monday. However, in light of the events today at Virginia Tech, I am going to postpone my new blog for a couple of days and ask you to pray.

Please pray for the families who lost loved ones in this tragedy and for those who were wounded. Also pray for those who survived as they deal with the loss and possible survivor's guilt.

No one can comprehend the pain and devastation lauded on these victims and families todays. No one but Jesus. So please pray that His peace will fill their hearts and lives and that He will be their comfort and hope in this painful time.

Loving Your Neighbor

2007-04-09T19:50:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite versions of the Bible to read is The Message (all Biblical quotes used in this post will be from this version unless otherwise noted). I love how it is written as if you are reading a book and how the phrases jump to life and make it so real to me. A couple of weeks ago I started reading in Romans. The whole book of Romans is amazing and holds so many truths. But I started reading chapters 12, 13 and 14 and the words just jumped off the page and caused me to think about how I live my life. Do I live it to the fullest and take advantage of each opportunity God places before me? Do I share His love with each person I come in contact with each day? Or do I keep what I've learned to myself and stay in my safe little routine and ignore the needs of those around me?

More times than not, I am afraid that I have done the latter. Oh, I mean well. I think of ways to help or reach out to others. I see opportunities all around me, but somehow I just figure that surely God will use someone else. That He has something else for me to do. I call myself someone who is compassionate and my very profession is one of helping others. But when something calls me to step outside of my little safe box of routine, do I respond? Do you?

Romans 12:9 tells us to "love from the center of who you are; don't fake it...be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle." This is not an easy thing to do. Love from the center of who you are. In order to do that it is important to know who we are, who God made us to be. And to love ourselves...which is very hard to do at times. Practice playing second fiddle. Wow! That is also a very tough thing to do. Sure, we want to help. We want to make a difference. But at what cost? Only if we get recognition? Only if we get a pat on the back? Or are we motivated by something deeper. Something beyond ourselves. Motivated by the love God Himself placed inside us. The desire to live out the life of Jesus in us and share that love with others - regardless of what we may or may not receive in return.

Romans 12:14-19 also contains some wonderful words of wisdom. "Laugh with your friends when they're happy, share tears when they're down...Make friends with nobodies; don't be the great somebody...discover beauty in everyone...don't insist on getting even; that's not for you to do. 'I'll do the judging,' says God..."

Laughing with your friends and sharing their tears with them seems easy enough. This verse says nothing about sharing your opinion and interjecting your thoughts into the situation. Why is it when we have a friend who comes to us needing simply a shoulder to cry on do we insist on opening our big mouth? They are not coming to us for words. They are coming for comfort. And that is exactly what this verse is saying. The NIV says to "rejoice with those who rejoice" and to "mourn with those who mourn". Our job as a friend is to simply BE there. When someone has suffered a great loss, for example, they simply want a person to understand and just cry with them, not offer them a solution or tell them it will be OK. At those times our needs and our thoughts are not what are important. What is important is to simply love that person and laugh WITH them and cry WITH them.

Make friends with nobodies. Discover beauty in everyone. At first glance this, for me, seems easy. I wasn't popular in high school and have always seemed to fit in best with the "misfits". But when I look closer at my life, I see that I, too, tend to be "stuck up" at times and am not always friendly to the "nobodies" of this world. It is so easy to do. You pass the man in the grocery store who may be unshaven and unkempt and maybe even smells a little. You try your hardest not to make eye contact and avoid him. All the while never knowing what may really be going on in his life. Do we ever stop to think that maybe he has been at the hospital all week with his dying wife and just stopped in for a quick snack on his way to see her and hasn't had a chance to shave or wash clothes this week? You see the woman at church who isn't all that attractive by the world's standards and she isn't dressed in the latest fashions. So you just glance her way but refuse to go up and welcome her. Do we ever stop to think that maybe she is like the woman who gave all she had while the Pharisees and Sadducees complained that she hadn't given enough? Maybe she is on a fixed income and gives her money to help some missionary in another country or gives to help the homeless. And heaven knows that God views her as more beautiful than most gorgeous super model in the world because of what's inside. Do we ever stop and think about the story behind the people we meet or see everyday? The ones we do our best to avoid? God does. He not only sees their stories; He is writing their stories. I am so thankful that He looks at our heart and not our outward appearance. We would do well to do the same. Some of those nobodies we pass by just might turn out to be some of the most godly and giving people and some of the best friends if we would but give them a moment. And after all, without Jesus, aren't we all just a bunch of nobodies? Isn't He the one who makes us beautiful? Time and time again the Bible tells story after story of the "nobodies" Jesus used and continues to use to share His message and His love. Fishermen as disciples? A prostitute as a rescuer? An atheist as a Bible scholar? So remember...make friends with nobodies. Christ has done no less for us. And see beauty in everyone. If a person has Christ in their heart, they are beautiful beyond compare. And if a person is lost, we should still see the beauty that Christ could bring to their life and share His love. We should see beauty in each person no matter what. God does, and He asks no less of us.

I'll do the judging, says God. Hmm. Where did we get to the place where we thought it would be OK to judge others? I've come to realize that when we judge others, we are really judging ourselves. Usually we have an area we know we are failing in and so we automatically see that in others and feel the need to judge them. God tells us time and time again that He is the judge. Not us. The only person I have any right to judge is myself. Like I said above, we have no idea about the stories behind peoples' lives. We have no idea what led them to the place they have come. I may see someone as harsh and stand offish. Yet God sees the fact that they had their heart broken and are doing all they can and putting up walls to keep from getting hurt again. I may see someone who has a "bad reputation". But God sees someone who is searching for love and not finding it. I may see a person with an addiction. God sees a person who is trying so hard to shut out the pain. How many lost people have we turned away from God because of our own selfishness or because we are more concerned with how we will be viewed by fellow believers rather than how God may be calling us to minister to a person in need? How many believers have we let down because we were more concerned with looks and position and what we could get out of something than with how we may be able to meet their need? May God forgive us for seeking our own way rather than His and for turning away from those in need.

Loving our neighbor is not always the easiest thing. But if we will take some time to look beyond the surface, to see the bigger picture, we can see them as God sees them. Loving your neighbor begins with loving God and then loving yourself. Mark 12:31-33 (NIV) tells us to "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." No commandment greater than these. Greater than anything else He commands us to do. Greater because if we do these two things, everything else falls into place. So the next time you pass that stranger, take a moment and offer a smile or a hello. The next time your friend needs a shoulder to cry on, let them do just that. Offer them a shoulder and share their tears instead of your opinion. When you see a new person at church next Sunday, walk up and say hello. When you see a person struggling with a sin, be there for them and pray for them rather than judge them and kick them when they are down. You never know when God will decide to use you to lift up someone else. And you never know that He may use that stranger to lift you up. Remember "be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares." (Hebrews 13:2)

So this week seek to love your neighbor. Truly love them. Love from the center of who you are. Make friends with the nobodies. And learn to discover the beauty in everyone. Train your eyes to see beyond the surface, to see the story behind the person. Take the time to listen and to care. After all, God took the time to see beyond what the world sees in us. He loved us enough to send His Son who demonstrated the ultimate example of love by dying in our place. The least we can do is to love each other. Life is hard enough without us tearing down each other. So seek to love and let Him love through you. The blessing you receive from obeying that command is so far above and beyond any earthly acclimation. And the results will last for an eternity.

Welcome to my blog!

2007-04-08T20:04:00.000-05:00

Welcome to my blog! I have been blogging off and on on myspace for a few months and have really enjoyed sharing my thoughts and ideas the Lord has shown me about different things that I have encountered in my life. Over the last several weeks I have been feeling that He wanted me to do something more, to share in a greater capacity. I'm still praying about specifics and all that He wants for my life. However, I have felt that starting a blog was a good starting point. So here it is.

I decided on the name Expectant Hope because that is a phrase that kind of came to me during a situation towards the end of last year where I was seeking God's guidance about a life changing decision. As I sought His will in the matter, several verses came to mind about asking Him for what we need and what we want, about being "carefree in the care of God" (Matthew 6, The Message), about hoping for what we cannot see. I used to be the person who never believed that good things could happen for fear they would not and I would be disappointed. But as these verses came to mind I realized that it was OK to hope, to dream that those things would come to be. And thus the phrase "expectant hope" was born in me. It's about a hope that expects God to do what He said He would do. Not a brash, arrogant expecting. But a hopeful, trusting, confident expecting. After all Jesus Himself said to believe that we have what we ask for and it will be given to us (Mark 11:24, NIV). It's not a hope that expects God to be at our beck and call or do what we want when we want it. Rather, it is a hope that expects God to answer in His time, in His way and with His answer. A hope that expects the best God has for us.

As I post new blogs I have no idea what direction they will take or what topics I will cover - most will be from my perspective, the perspective of a single woman trying to navigate the path He has for me. A woman who falls many times and who is not anywhere near where I know the Father wants me to be. But a woman who is seeking His will and trusting in Him to give me the desires of my heart.

My prayer is that the Lord will somehow use this forum as a way to share that expectant hope with you who read it. That you will not see the words as what I write or as my thoughts. But that you will hopefully hear the Father's words and feel His love. I'm not saying I'm the best writer or that I have all the answers or even that what I have to say is always perfect or important. It will be far from it. You may agree or disagree. But I hope that it will cause you to think and to seek the Father in a deeper way than you have before. And I hope that it will cause an Expectant Hope to arise within you about what only a loving God can do in your life.

Please feel free to share any comments.