"Why should I gain from His reward,
I cannot give an answer.
But, this, I know with all my heart,
His wounds have paid my ransom."
As most of you know, I am now in private practice with a fellow music therapist in Gulfport, MS. I haven't yet moved (hopefully that will take place early next year, or whenever God has it in the plans...I'm learning my plans don't mean much these days, which is completely fine), so that means I get to spend a few days a week driving either down to the coast or back home. I say "get to" because I am one of those people who actually enjoys driving. I guess after years and years of driving at least 40 minutes one way to and from work, I have come to cherish my travel time. I often spend this time listening to music...usually a mix of songs that I have put together. I have a ton of playlists with music varying from rock to Christian to folk to blues to pop. I usually end up putting songs together that are a favorite at the time or that speak to me in some way or that are pertinent to something I'm dealing with. I develop new playlists every couple of months or so, and it is always interesting to go back a couple of years and look at the songs I was listening to. I can pretty much tell you what was going on in my life based on the music I was listening to.
Well, a couple of months ago I was listening to some music and came across some older songs that I had by Nichole Nordeman. Her lyrics are so, so good. She truly has a gift for writing. So after finding these songs, I decided to download a couple of her albums. I'm sure I have the CD (or possibly even cassette tape - yep, I know, I'm old) somewhere, but trying to find it between my house here and my dad's house would be like looking for a needle in a haystack. So I decided to just download them again.
So back to my drive to the coast this past week. I normally select one of my playlists and then hit shuffle. This means that I don't always get to hear all the songs in the list. But I like the "randomness" of this because I never know what song is coming on next. But as I have come to find in life, nothing is ever really random. At least not when you look at it from God's perspective. So as I was driving down Highway 49, a song came on that I had never heard before. It's an arrangement of a modern hymn written by Stuart Townend that Nichole Nordeman did on one of her albums. The words are beautiful and haunting and spoke so clearly to me in that moment. Each and every lyric is powerful (I'll post them at the end), but the last verse was what struck me...
Why should I gain from His reward,
I cannot give an answer.
But, this, I know with all my heart,
His wounds have paid my ransom.
Why should I gain from HIS reward? The past couple of months have brought many good things into my life. Things I could never have imagined. God took my prayers, my deepest desires and then amplified them by a million and answered in a way I still cannot explain or comprehend. And He is STILL working! I have been so humbled by His goodness and provision. There are things I cannot humanly explain that have fallen into place and that continue to happen. There are people who have been placed in my life that have brought so much joy and goodness. There has been provision that my human mind could never have seen. And I have done NOTHING to deserve any of it.
But God's love is like that. He is faithful even when I am not. He sent His only Son to die for me, to do what I could never do for myself, to pay my ransom. Why? It surely isn't because I've done anything for Him. It's not that I could ever pay enough for my soul. It's not that I love Him faithfully. It's not that I'm good. Because I haven't, I can't, I don't and I'm not. But He is and has and can and does.
People come into our life with promises of love. Parents, friends, spouses, significant others. And we all mean well when we promise to love someone. And we do our best. But it's hard. We are selfish at times. We get frustrated. We choose to only see one side of a situation. We don't listen completely. We get tired. And things build and build and build until there is resentment or anger or we just give up. But we are human, and the Bible says that God remembers we are dust. He knows that we can't fulfill any promise of unconditional love...at least not without Him. And we can't seek to find in another human being what can only be found in Him. This isn't to say that our human relationships can't work and can't be successful. But not in our own strength. He has to be a part of it, the main part, for it to be possible. I can't seek to find this kind of love in anyone or anything else. That's a burden to big for any of us to bear in our frail, human frames. This kind of love can only be found in Him for He has promised, and He is faithful to His promises (Hebrews 10:23).
See, it's nothing that I've done to earn His love. He loves simply because He is love. He loves because we are His children, and no matter what we could ever do, His love will never go away. We can rest in that promise. Isaiah 32:17-18 says, "The fruit of righteousness will be peace; the effect of righteousness will be quietness and confidence forever. My people will live in peaceful dwelling places, in secure homes, in undisturbed places of rest."
Undisturbed places of rest. This doesn't mean that life will be easy. That everyone we love will love us in return. That life won't be hard. That nothing bad will ever happen. What it is saying is that God is faithful and will give us undisturbed places of rest. This means that even when life is raging about us, we can have peace. Undisturbed peace. Peace that passes understanding (Philippians 4:7). Because we know that whatever life brings, whatever attitude we have, whatever right or wrong we do...God's love is unchanging. It is faithful. HE is faithful.
I have no idea what this life will bring. I know so far it has brought loss, heartache, grief, anger, love, friendship, goodness, bad times, prosperity, lean times, favor, not being favored and everything in between. But the constant in it all is God's faithful love. If He loved each of us enough to send His only Son to die and suffer hell so we wouldn't have to, undeserved on our part, what will He not do for us, His children whom He has ransomed and loves? My hope isn't in my own ability to do well or in another human being or in a circumstance or in money or in anything this life brings. We have to realize this love can only be found in Him. My hope is in Him and Him alone.
My prayer is that you will experience His faithful love. I promise you that even if life gets hard, He will still be there. I promise you He will never leave. I promise you He will never stop loving you. You can have love that is faithful and true. How deep the Father's love for us...
How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory
Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that left Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished
I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Change Is a Comin'....
Since my last post on fear, as I predicted, I've continued to struggle with worry and doubt and fear on some level. I've continued to struggle to choose to see the good rather than worry about what could go wrong. I suspect that it will always be something that I struggle with in some way. But I'm getting better, and God is proving faithful each and every time I cry out to Him. And I'm going to need that assurance of faithfulness in the coming days...
Since I made it official this week, I guess I can share my news! I am taking the biggest leap of faith I've ever made in my life. I am quitting my current job in the middle of July and am going into private practice with my music therapy colleague, Nicole. We are both getting certified in Kindermusik and hope to offer both Kindermusik classes and music therapy services to families on the coast. I am very excited and completely overwhelmed at this opportunity at this point in my life! It couldn't have come at a better time. I will be done with graduate classes in February and then plan on moving to the beach (or at least in close proximity). And all this means a big change is coming for my life...
Change is normally something I'm scared of. I am a person who likes routine and likes to know what to expect and what is going on. I'm not a huge fan of surprises. And when I am aware that change is coming, I plan like crazy. However, with this endeavor, I'm not afraid. And I'm pretty sure it's because I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that this is the path I was meant to follow. Some of my long standing dreams are coming true.
I turn 40 this year. And I'm actually excited about that. And I'm excited that all this change is happening in conjunction with that event. God has placed people in my life and allowed situations in my life to guide me right where He wants me to be. I don't have it all figured out by any means! But I know and trust the One who does. I used to view 40 as this "old" age or that if I hadn't reached all my dreams by then, life would be over. But I'm finding just the opposite to be true. I'm finding that I have confidence and motivation now that I didn't even have five years ago. If you would have told me 10 years ago that this is how things would turn out, I would have laughed at you. And then I probably would have wondered why it couldn't happen sooner. But I can say that, had any single event or person been different, my life wouldn't be heading down this path. God has planned each and every moment...beyond my expectation and imagination.
So at almost 40, here I am basically starting over, so to speak. I've never been one to follow the "normal" road of life. No marriage, 3.5 kids and the white picket fence all by 30. The thought of getting married or having a child after 40? Never in a million years would I have said I would be ok with that. But now? I am totally open to that and actually excited about the possibility. (And let me make a disclaimer...No I don't have any immediate plans to do either before anyone reads anything into that or gets all excited...but God knows what His plans are concerning those things, and I trust Him that He will give me those desires of my heart.) I've always been a late bloomer, and I've always marched to the beat of my own drum. And I've always been my own individual. Not to say there haven't been bumps along the way or that I haven't gotten discouraged. However, I can look back at all of that and know that for my life to be turning out like it is now is very fitting and very "me." And I wouldn't change a thing! I still don't have all the answers, but I have a peace that I will get each answer I need at the appropriate time.
Due to a few situations that were allowed into my life, I made the decision back in May to begin looking into other work options. Long story short, in the matter of a week's time, I looked into Kindermusik, found an educator on the coast that needed another educator to help teach and registered to begin training. Then the next week, I met with her and ended up having lunch with some other friends...which then turned into a discussion about private practice. And since that time, each and every week (sometimes daily), opportunity after opportunity, lead after lead, open door after open door has been placed in my path. I cannot even explain it or comprehend it. I could not have planned any of this if I tried. However, as I was told by a very wise man, "sometimes it's not about our plans." And that is so true. And now a month and a half after my initial decision, I am about to jump head first into private practice with Nicole and am making plans to move in the next 8 to 10 months. So different from what my initial plan was when I moved to Hattiesburg...but exactly what I need and want to do. Again, not my plan but His.
I have long had the dream of starting my own private practice. And I have always wanted to work with children. And I am now seeing those dreams becoming reality. God just took me down a different road than I thought I would take to get to this point. But I wouldn't change a thing. If one single thing had been different, there are some very wonderful experiences I would have missed and some very special people I may have never met. So I'm thankful that it's taken this long. Never thought I'd say that! But I'm learning that trusting God also means trusting His timing and His attention to each and every detail in my life.
There are other dreams I have for my personal life...dreams I've waited long for. But dreams that I can see God working out. Details that He's putting into place. Changes He's making in me, to grow me and make me into the woman I need to be for what He has planned. Things I could not have ever planned or imagined. Things that have blown my mind because it is so far beyond and better than anything I could have asked for. But, again, "sometimes it's not about our plans." Now, I have no idea how things will turn out, but I'm hopeful. And I know that regardless of the outcome, God will still remain faithful and will still provide all I need.
I have no idea what the next year will bring. I'm sure it will be full of very high highs and possibly some very low lows. I know that I have a lot of hard work ahead of me and possibly some lean times. But I know that I can't wait to see what God has in store! I know that He has placed some amazing people in my life who have been so encouraging and supportive and have threatened to hurt me if I don't pursue this. A close circle of a few who I know will have my back no matter what happens. And with that and God by my side, how can I not jump wildly into this adventure?!
So as 40 approaches, I am embracing the changes that are coming. I am embracing this path that God has so lovingly laid out for me step by step. I know the changes that He has done in me, and I'm so thankful for His patience as I navigate through those. That same wise man who told me it wasn't about our plans also told me not to look back and to embrace the future. And that is just what I intend to do. Embracing the changes....
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a future and a hope." - What better promise can you rest on?
Since I made it official this week, I guess I can share my news! I am taking the biggest leap of faith I've ever made in my life. I am quitting my current job in the middle of July and am going into private practice with my music therapy colleague, Nicole. We are both getting certified in Kindermusik and hope to offer both Kindermusik classes and music therapy services to families on the coast. I am very excited and completely overwhelmed at this opportunity at this point in my life! It couldn't have come at a better time. I will be done with graduate classes in February and then plan on moving to the beach (or at least in close proximity). And all this means a big change is coming for my life...
Change is normally something I'm scared of. I am a person who likes routine and likes to know what to expect and what is going on. I'm not a huge fan of surprises. And when I am aware that change is coming, I plan like crazy. However, with this endeavor, I'm not afraid. And I'm pretty sure it's because I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that this is the path I was meant to follow. Some of my long standing dreams are coming true.
I turn 40 this year. And I'm actually excited about that. And I'm excited that all this change is happening in conjunction with that event. God has placed people in my life and allowed situations in my life to guide me right where He wants me to be. I don't have it all figured out by any means! But I know and trust the One who does. I used to view 40 as this "old" age or that if I hadn't reached all my dreams by then, life would be over. But I'm finding just the opposite to be true. I'm finding that I have confidence and motivation now that I didn't even have five years ago. If you would have told me 10 years ago that this is how things would turn out, I would have laughed at you. And then I probably would have wondered why it couldn't happen sooner. But I can say that, had any single event or person been different, my life wouldn't be heading down this path. God has planned each and every moment...beyond my expectation and imagination.
So at almost 40, here I am basically starting over, so to speak. I've never been one to follow the "normal" road of life. No marriage, 3.5 kids and the white picket fence all by 30. The thought of getting married or having a child after 40? Never in a million years would I have said I would be ok with that. But now? I am totally open to that and actually excited about the possibility. (And let me make a disclaimer...No I don't have any immediate plans to do either before anyone reads anything into that or gets all excited...but God knows what His plans are concerning those things, and I trust Him that He will give me those desires of my heart.) I've always been a late bloomer, and I've always marched to the beat of my own drum. And I've always been my own individual. Not to say there haven't been bumps along the way or that I haven't gotten discouraged. However, I can look back at all of that and know that for my life to be turning out like it is now is very fitting and very "me." And I wouldn't change a thing! I still don't have all the answers, but I have a peace that I will get each answer I need at the appropriate time.
Due to a few situations that were allowed into my life, I made the decision back in May to begin looking into other work options. Long story short, in the matter of a week's time, I looked into Kindermusik, found an educator on the coast that needed another educator to help teach and registered to begin training. Then the next week, I met with her and ended up having lunch with some other friends...which then turned into a discussion about private practice. And since that time, each and every week (sometimes daily), opportunity after opportunity, lead after lead, open door after open door has been placed in my path. I cannot even explain it or comprehend it. I could not have planned any of this if I tried. However, as I was told by a very wise man, "sometimes it's not about our plans." And that is so true. And now a month and a half after my initial decision, I am about to jump head first into private practice with Nicole and am making plans to move in the next 8 to 10 months. So different from what my initial plan was when I moved to Hattiesburg...but exactly what I need and want to do. Again, not my plan but His.
I have long had the dream of starting my own private practice. And I have always wanted to work with children. And I am now seeing those dreams becoming reality. God just took me down a different road than I thought I would take to get to this point. But I wouldn't change a thing. If one single thing had been different, there are some very wonderful experiences I would have missed and some very special people I may have never met. So I'm thankful that it's taken this long. Never thought I'd say that! But I'm learning that trusting God also means trusting His timing and His attention to each and every detail in my life.
There are other dreams I have for my personal life...dreams I've waited long for. But dreams that I can see God working out. Details that He's putting into place. Changes He's making in me, to grow me and make me into the woman I need to be for what He has planned. Things I could not have ever planned or imagined. Things that have blown my mind because it is so far beyond and better than anything I could have asked for. But, again, "sometimes it's not about our plans." Now, I have no idea how things will turn out, but I'm hopeful. And I know that regardless of the outcome, God will still remain faithful and will still provide all I need.
I have no idea what the next year will bring. I'm sure it will be full of very high highs and possibly some very low lows. I know that I have a lot of hard work ahead of me and possibly some lean times. But I know that I can't wait to see what God has in store! I know that He has placed some amazing people in my life who have been so encouraging and supportive and have threatened to hurt me if I don't pursue this. A close circle of a few who I know will have my back no matter what happens. And with that and God by my side, how can I not jump wildly into this adventure?!
So as 40 approaches, I am embracing the changes that are coming. I am embracing this path that God has so lovingly laid out for me step by step. I know the changes that He has done in me, and I'm so thankful for His patience as I navigate through those. That same wise man who told me it wasn't about our plans also told me not to look back and to embrace the future. And that is just what I intend to do. Embracing the changes....
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a future and a hope." - What better promise can you rest on?
Monday, June 10, 2013
FEAR
Fear. A four letter word I hate more than other four letter words out there. A four letter word that brings more harm and pain and unrest than any other four letter word. Four little letters that can bring grown men and women to their knees. At least this grown woman...
My entire life I have been one of those people who "hope for the best but prepare for the worst." I have lived afraid to enjoy the good times because I'm afraid that the other shoe is going to drop and a bad time is lurking right around the corner. This friend will betray me just like the last one did. This guy is just like all the others who lied. This situation will end up just like the last one. I even go so far as to be afraid of being happy, thinking (illogically, I admit) that the very act of being happy and not worried about anything will immediately cause something to go wrong. Twisted, I know. Crazy? I get it. Illogical? Of course. Sinful? Hmmm.... Hadn't really thought of that.
I get my predisposition to worry and fear honestly. I come from a line of worriers. My mom worried. Her mom worried. So it honestly is a "learned" behavior (for all you psychology enthusiasts out there) combined with a life that hasn't always dealt the best of hands. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm blessed. Beyond measure. My life has been a ride down easy street compared to others that I know. And I am forever grateful for that. However, I still worry. Now, my dad? Not so much a worrier. Why I didn't take more after him in that area? Who knows. So, I worry. And allow fear to dominate my life.
Until now. The past several months have brought about some of the most trying times, some of the most delightful times, some of the most unsettled times and some of the most growing times. Due to a couple of different circumstances in my life, I've been on the roller coaster of emotion. And I don't just mean the kiddie ride. Some days I feel like I've ridden the Rocking Roller Coaster at Disney World! Now, I have actually ridden it. Twice. And I liked it. I overcame my fear, conquered that ugly monster and had a blast. However, other days have been straight up like the Tower of Terror ride (also at Disney). I have ridden it. Once. Will NEVER do it again. Not a fear I care to conquer. And there have been days that have emulated both of those in the past few months. I've been faced with opportunities, situations, life events that have hurled me from 0 to 60 in 5 seconds...things that have scared me to death but that turned out to be exhilarating and amazing. Then there have been days when I feel like I'm plummeting to my sure death and have experienced pain and doubt and worry. Days that have made me physically ill.
However, in the midst of all of that, God has been working on me. In a very real and powerful way. He has used friends, family, my new church family and situations to break me, to mold me, to change me. It has not been a fun or easy process. But I'm getting there. My normal reaction to a difficult situation is to go into full on "freak out mode." (Yes, that is a clinical term...at least to me.) The cycle goes something like this: situation occurs that causes me pain or doubt, I immediately think the worst and freak out (definition: over react, cry, get mad at God, assume the worst, question everything, think illogically). Then I pray (notice this is one step out of the order it should be in). Then I calm down and begin to think logically. God reveals whatever it is I need to see. I am able to realize either a solution or find a peace about the situation. Life goes on. Until something else happens...
I've been stuck in this cycle for years. Until recently. Now, any change is going to take time and work. It's going to hurt. It's going to be hard. It's going to take determination and will to ignore the illogical thoughts and replace them with logical ones. It is going to take faith to trust God has my best interest at heart even when everything around me says differently. And I don't like it. But I've reached the point in my life where I refuse to be bound by worry and fear. I refuse to miss out on happy moments because I'm waiting for the bad to happen. I refuse to let FEAR have the last word. And it is a struggle of gigantic proportions. But I'm getting there. In the past few months I've learned to switch the steps of that cycle around. Now, when a trying time or a trial comes my way, my first reaction is to pray. To seek God's face and fall before Him and lay it all out there. I ask Him to show me HIS truth in the situation and to give me peace no matter the outcome. We had a speaker at church the other week who talked about allowing God to shine His light into the dark places of your heart...the places where all the hurt from the past dwells...and to ask Him to heal those parts of you. It really hit home. But the kicker is this... In order for God to do that, I have to be willing to LET GO. Which is my other issue....
I am a control freak. Yep, I admit it. Type A personality all the way. And there are times it comes in handy. I can multi-task like nobody's business. I am organized. I can plan a calendar so specifically a 2 year old could understand it. I can put on a play from start to finish including sets and props and costumes and scripts and make sure it runs like clockwork. So when life doesn't go according to plan, I freak out. However, I am not in control. God is. And in order for Him to heal and work and bring about His miracles, I have to let go of those things I'm hanging onto. The main reason I don't? My feeble earthly perception is that if I hold onto it, I can manipulate it into what I think it should be. That if I let go, God may not do what I want Him to do. The outcome may not be what I desire. But guess what? Every time I try to do it in my own power, in my own way...it NEVER goes well. I always mess it up. Royally. I push things to hurry up before their time. I seek an answer when I'm not ready to accept the answer just yet. I am willing to accept less than the best for a momentary pleasure. I even often hurt others and myself in the process. God knows what He is doing. I do not. It's that simple. Yes, I can make mundane decisions that don't affect much. But I'm training myself that, even in the simplest of decisions, I need His guidance and direction. When I learn that, then I can face whatever comes my way. If my prayer gets answered the way I want... great. If it doesn't...great because God has something better or sees something out there I can't yet see.
So when you add worrying to control freak, you often get a jumbled mess. It's a never ending cycle of unneeded hurt, illogical thinking and striving for things I have no business striving for. I waste energy. I waste resources. I waste time. Now, I'm not saying we should sail through life, happy go lucky, not a care in the world. Life is HARD. Sometimes, it almost kills us. But over the past few weeks I have discovered something...something that I've heard my whole life. But something that I've never truly believed or understood until now.
Worry, doubt, fear are all rebellion against God and are sin. Now yes, there is healthy fear. The kind that keeps you from getting in a car with a serial killer or keeps you from jumping off the Grand Canyon thinking you'll land safely. I'm not talking about that kind of fear. I'm talking about paralyzing fear. Fear that keeps you up at night, that keeps you from stepping out on faith, that keeps you from living this abundant life God gave us to live.
Last Wednesday night at church we read a passage from Deuteronomy 1:31-33. Earlier in the week I had a specific worry and concern. Brief sidebar: for those who may not know, I'm embarking on perhaps the scariest yet most fulfilling adventure of my life. I'm stepping out completely in faith, trusting God and Him alone for His provision and favor and blessing, and starting a private practice and moving at some point to the coast. This has been a very overwhelming time...overwhelmed at God's goodness and grace. I have no doubt in my mind the path He is leading me down, and each week (sometimes each day) brings about more confirmation that this is what I'm meant to do and where I need to be headed. However, there have been concerns along the way. Worries. Doubts. FEAR. And with all He has shown me, I should have none of that. I will say that I haven't worried like I usually do. I have a complete peace that passes understanding about the grand scheme of it all. It's the little day to day things that tend to freak me out. Some that I have no control over. Some that I have to completely release into His hands. My prayer this entire time has been for His will to be done...regardless of if it fits along with mine or not. Because in His will is the only place I will be truly joyful, happy and secure.
So back to Deuteronomy 1:31-33. This passage says, "There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place. IN SPITE OF THIS, YOU DID NOT TRUST THE LORD YOUR GOD, who went ahead of you on your journey, in fire by night and in a cloud by day, to search out places for you to camp and to show you the way you should go. See that all caps section? Yeah, it jumped out at me like a rattlesnake out of tall grass! You see, I have seen God's hand all along my life. And in this specific situation, I've seen Him do things that there is no other explanation for other than it was God. I remember I was down on the coast a month ago, and driving back from dinner, we saw a double rainbow stretching out over the water. And in that moment, I felt God remind me of His promises, of His faithfulness and of His provision. I made the commitment in that moment not to worry again about any of this. That lasted about for a couple of weeks before I started to doubt and fear again. Until this past weekend when I saw the exact same thing in almost the exact same spot. Now, you can say what you want about signs and wonders and all that. However, I know that God can use whatever He wants to speak to our hearts. And He used that rainbow. And He uses His word daily right now.
I realized as I drove home from church that night that I had been rebelling against my faithful Father. I had allowed the sin of fear and worry to shape my life. And it had to stop. "In spite of this"...in spite of all the things He has done and continues to do in my life...I did not fully trust Him. If you read the story leading up to these verses, the Israelites had wandered in the dessert for 40 years. God had provided for their every need. They didn't necessarily see where the final destination would be, but God did. And "in spite of" all of His provision and faithfulness, they did not trust him. I turn 40 this December. God has led me for 40 years. Through valleys. On mountain peaks. Through good times and bad. He's carried me through losing my mom. He's led me to places I never thought I'd go. And "in spite of" all of that, I still doubt Him. How that must break His heart...
I look at it as a child and parent relationship. Now, I don't have a child of my own. This is another area in which I am trusting Him. I see an almost 40 year old with no possibility of having one of my own. God sees me like he saw Sarah and Hannah and Elizabeth. He sees His way. He sees possible. I long for the day I get the privilege of being called mom. And yet, as much as I would love my own child, God loves me even more. He wants HIS best for me, and HIS best blows my best out of the water. Think of how a child trusts their parent. Picture a dad swinging his little girl around and then throwing her up in the air and catching her...knowing the joy it brings her and knowing he would never let her fall. If we being earthly and sinful and flawed love our children that much and take care of our children that much, how much more does God do the same for us? God has brought me to a place where He is swinging me around and bringing me joy. But there are days I doubt...will He catch me? Imagine how you would feel as a parent if your child stopped and asked you that. What if they doubted that you would catch them? You know the depth of your love for that child and know you would never let them fall. In the same way, God's love for me goes beyond comprehension, and He would never let me fall. Yet, I doubt. Why? When He continues to prove Himself faithful time after time after time. Does He always give me what I want? No! And thank goodness! When I look back on some of the things I prayed for 10 years ago...I'm very thankful He didn't give them to me. But I also see things He has given me. Some I've asked for, and others have been sheer surprises that He chose to delight me with. God wants the best for us. But that doesn't mean that the best comes easy. Sometimes it is in the struggles and disappointments of life that He teaches us the most valuable lessons and shapes us into the people He desires us to be.
II Timothy 1:7 says "For God has not given us the spirit of fear but of power and love and a sound mind." GOD HAS NOT GIVEN US THE SPIRIT OF FEAR. Let that soak in. If God hasn't given us the spirit of fear, why do we fear? Why do we allow something that is NOT of Him, something He did not ordain to infiltrate our life and paralyze us? Why am I so afraid to let go of what I cannot control and trust Him to do what is best? Why am I so quick to jump to conclusions and allow illogical thoughts to rule my mind? Why do I over react before I know all sides to the story? Why do I freak out? The answer is plain and simple. Sin. We have to put to death the flesh each and every day. And it is hard. Just like it is hard for me to say no to french fries and chocolate and fattening food every single day, I know I have to. They are not good for me. I have to learn to say no to fear. No to worry. No to doubt. No to illogical thoughts that cause me to over react. I have to choose...DAILY...to counter those thoughts with only one thought. Jesus. That one name holds all the power we need to get through the day and to make it through every situation. Does it mean every day will be easy? No. Does it mean we won't have struggles or problems? Nope. Does it mean life will always go my way? Don't count on it. Does it mean I'll never fear or doubt again? I can assure you that won't be the case.
But if I will bring my mind and my thoughts under HIS control, let go of my need to control and trust that He sees my end from beginning, that He sees and has ordained the path before me...I can learn to live a joyful life. I can enjoy each moment as it comes. I can learn to be happy and not worry about what lurks around the corner. I can learn to "believe the best without assuming the worst." Even if a tough time comes. All because I know He holds me safely in His arms and nothing can take me away from Him.
So I'm working on it. I'm not where I need to be. In fact, I just had a moment this afternoon where I freaked out, over reacted and worried about something I saw on Facebook that caused me to question something. On Facebook, for heaven's sake! Really? But that is what sin does. It raises its ugly head and manipulates things to put us in a tailspin. But I'm growing. You know how I know? Because, yes, I had a brief freak out moment when I saw it. But I immediately began to pray for God to shine His light of truth and bring peace to my heart. Has it been a constant struggle since this afternoon to fight the illogical thoughts running amok in my brain? Yep. But I'm fighting them. And I'm choosing to believe God and to trust Him...no matter the outcome. Because let's face it...I ALWAYS mess things up when I follow the "freak out cycle." But when I let go and trust in the face of uncertainty, God is there. And where God is love is. And where love is, fear cannot dwell. I John 4:18 says, "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment...." Torment. I would say that perfectly sums up how I feel when I allow fear to dominate my mind. So if I allow God's truth and love to dominate my mind, fear has to flee.
Fear still has the power to bring me to my knees. But these days, it brings me to my knees in prayer and repentance rather than in pain and torment. It motivates me to seek His truth even more. I'm learning to trust God because of all He has done rather than to doubt Him in spite of all He has done. And I'm finally realizing after my "40 years" of fear, that He has not given that spirit of fear to me. He has given me peace and joy and love.
My prayer is that if you struggle with allowing fear to dominate your life that you will seek God's face and allow Him to free you from the pain and doubt and worry. He has such good things in store for us! I cannot wait to see what all He has planned in these coming months and year...I know it will blow my mind and, if He were to reveal it all to me now, my mind wouldn't be able to comprehend it. Does it mean He will give me everything I want? No. But He will provide everything I need to glorify Him and to live the life He created me to live. I will trust Him...even when I can't see where the next step is heading...I will take that step in faith, knowing He will provide in His time and His way...then I'll take the next step...and the next...and the next...until He leads me safely home. I refuse to allow fear to keep me from serving Him. I long to hear those words, "Well, done, good and faithful servant." So I'm saying goodbye to striving and fretting and my need to control every aspect of life. And I'm saying goodbye to fear.
My entire life I have been one of those people who "hope for the best but prepare for the worst." I have lived afraid to enjoy the good times because I'm afraid that the other shoe is going to drop and a bad time is lurking right around the corner. This friend will betray me just like the last one did. This guy is just like all the others who lied. This situation will end up just like the last one. I even go so far as to be afraid of being happy, thinking (illogically, I admit) that the very act of being happy and not worried about anything will immediately cause something to go wrong. Twisted, I know. Crazy? I get it. Illogical? Of course. Sinful? Hmmm.... Hadn't really thought of that.
I get my predisposition to worry and fear honestly. I come from a line of worriers. My mom worried. Her mom worried. So it honestly is a "learned" behavior (for all you psychology enthusiasts out there) combined with a life that hasn't always dealt the best of hands. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm blessed. Beyond measure. My life has been a ride down easy street compared to others that I know. And I am forever grateful for that. However, I still worry. Now, my dad? Not so much a worrier. Why I didn't take more after him in that area? Who knows. So, I worry. And allow fear to dominate my life.
Until now. The past several months have brought about some of the most trying times, some of the most delightful times, some of the most unsettled times and some of the most growing times. Due to a couple of different circumstances in my life, I've been on the roller coaster of emotion. And I don't just mean the kiddie ride. Some days I feel like I've ridden the Rocking Roller Coaster at Disney World! Now, I have actually ridden it. Twice. And I liked it. I overcame my fear, conquered that ugly monster and had a blast. However, other days have been straight up like the Tower of Terror ride (also at Disney). I have ridden it. Once. Will NEVER do it again. Not a fear I care to conquer. And there have been days that have emulated both of those in the past few months. I've been faced with opportunities, situations, life events that have hurled me from 0 to 60 in 5 seconds...things that have scared me to death but that turned out to be exhilarating and amazing. Then there have been days when I feel like I'm plummeting to my sure death and have experienced pain and doubt and worry. Days that have made me physically ill.
However, in the midst of all of that, God has been working on me. In a very real and powerful way. He has used friends, family, my new church family and situations to break me, to mold me, to change me. It has not been a fun or easy process. But I'm getting there. My normal reaction to a difficult situation is to go into full on "freak out mode." (Yes, that is a clinical term...at least to me.) The cycle goes something like this: situation occurs that causes me pain or doubt, I immediately think the worst and freak out (definition: over react, cry, get mad at God, assume the worst, question everything, think illogically). Then I pray (notice this is one step out of the order it should be in). Then I calm down and begin to think logically. God reveals whatever it is I need to see. I am able to realize either a solution or find a peace about the situation. Life goes on. Until something else happens...
I've been stuck in this cycle for years. Until recently. Now, any change is going to take time and work. It's going to hurt. It's going to be hard. It's going to take determination and will to ignore the illogical thoughts and replace them with logical ones. It is going to take faith to trust God has my best interest at heart even when everything around me says differently. And I don't like it. But I've reached the point in my life where I refuse to be bound by worry and fear. I refuse to miss out on happy moments because I'm waiting for the bad to happen. I refuse to let FEAR have the last word. And it is a struggle of gigantic proportions. But I'm getting there. In the past few months I've learned to switch the steps of that cycle around. Now, when a trying time or a trial comes my way, my first reaction is to pray. To seek God's face and fall before Him and lay it all out there. I ask Him to show me HIS truth in the situation and to give me peace no matter the outcome. We had a speaker at church the other week who talked about allowing God to shine His light into the dark places of your heart...the places where all the hurt from the past dwells...and to ask Him to heal those parts of you. It really hit home. But the kicker is this... In order for God to do that, I have to be willing to LET GO. Which is my other issue....
I am a control freak. Yep, I admit it. Type A personality all the way. And there are times it comes in handy. I can multi-task like nobody's business. I am organized. I can plan a calendar so specifically a 2 year old could understand it. I can put on a play from start to finish including sets and props and costumes and scripts and make sure it runs like clockwork. So when life doesn't go according to plan, I freak out. However, I am not in control. God is. And in order for Him to heal and work and bring about His miracles, I have to let go of those things I'm hanging onto. The main reason I don't? My feeble earthly perception is that if I hold onto it, I can manipulate it into what I think it should be. That if I let go, God may not do what I want Him to do. The outcome may not be what I desire. But guess what? Every time I try to do it in my own power, in my own way...it NEVER goes well. I always mess it up. Royally. I push things to hurry up before their time. I seek an answer when I'm not ready to accept the answer just yet. I am willing to accept less than the best for a momentary pleasure. I even often hurt others and myself in the process. God knows what He is doing. I do not. It's that simple. Yes, I can make mundane decisions that don't affect much. But I'm training myself that, even in the simplest of decisions, I need His guidance and direction. When I learn that, then I can face whatever comes my way. If my prayer gets answered the way I want... great. If it doesn't...great because God has something better or sees something out there I can't yet see.
So when you add worrying to control freak, you often get a jumbled mess. It's a never ending cycle of unneeded hurt, illogical thinking and striving for things I have no business striving for. I waste energy. I waste resources. I waste time. Now, I'm not saying we should sail through life, happy go lucky, not a care in the world. Life is HARD. Sometimes, it almost kills us. But over the past few weeks I have discovered something...something that I've heard my whole life. But something that I've never truly believed or understood until now.
Worry, doubt, fear are all rebellion against God and are sin. Now yes, there is healthy fear. The kind that keeps you from getting in a car with a serial killer or keeps you from jumping off the Grand Canyon thinking you'll land safely. I'm not talking about that kind of fear. I'm talking about paralyzing fear. Fear that keeps you up at night, that keeps you from stepping out on faith, that keeps you from living this abundant life God gave us to live.
Last Wednesday night at church we read a passage from Deuteronomy 1:31-33. Earlier in the week I had a specific worry and concern. Brief sidebar: for those who may not know, I'm embarking on perhaps the scariest yet most fulfilling adventure of my life. I'm stepping out completely in faith, trusting God and Him alone for His provision and favor and blessing, and starting a private practice and moving at some point to the coast. This has been a very overwhelming time...overwhelmed at God's goodness and grace. I have no doubt in my mind the path He is leading me down, and each week (sometimes each day) brings about more confirmation that this is what I'm meant to do and where I need to be headed. However, there have been concerns along the way. Worries. Doubts. FEAR. And with all He has shown me, I should have none of that. I will say that I haven't worried like I usually do. I have a complete peace that passes understanding about the grand scheme of it all. It's the little day to day things that tend to freak me out. Some that I have no control over. Some that I have to completely release into His hands. My prayer this entire time has been for His will to be done...regardless of if it fits along with mine or not. Because in His will is the only place I will be truly joyful, happy and secure.
So back to Deuteronomy 1:31-33. This passage says, "There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place. IN SPITE OF THIS, YOU DID NOT TRUST THE LORD YOUR GOD, who went ahead of you on your journey, in fire by night and in a cloud by day, to search out places for you to camp and to show you the way you should go. See that all caps section? Yeah, it jumped out at me like a rattlesnake out of tall grass! You see, I have seen God's hand all along my life. And in this specific situation, I've seen Him do things that there is no other explanation for other than it was God. I remember I was down on the coast a month ago, and driving back from dinner, we saw a double rainbow stretching out over the water. And in that moment, I felt God remind me of His promises, of His faithfulness and of His provision. I made the commitment in that moment not to worry again about any of this. That lasted about for a couple of weeks before I started to doubt and fear again. Until this past weekend when I saw the exact same thing in almost the exact same spot. Now, you can say what you want about signs and wonders and all that. However, I know that God can use whatever He wants to speak to our hearts. And He used that rainbow. And He uses His word daily right now.
I realized as I drove home from church that night that I had been rebelling against my faithful Father. I had allowed the sin of fear and worry to shape my life. And it had to stop. "In spite of this"...in spite of all the things He has done and continues to do in my life...I did not fully trust Him. If you read the story leading up to these verses, the Israelites had wandered in the dessert for 40 years. God had provided for their every need. They didn't necessarily see where the final destination would be, but God did. And "in spite of" all of His provision and faithfulness, they did not trust him. I turn 40 this December. God has led me for 40 years. Through valleys. On mountain peaks. Through good times and bad. He's carried me through losing my mom. He's led me to places I never thought I'd go. And "in spite of" all of that, I still doubt Him. How that must break His heart...
I look at it as a child and parent relationship. Now, I don't have a child of my own. This is another area in which I am trusting Him. I see an almost 40 year old with no possibility of having one of my own. God sees me like he saw Sarah and Hannah and Elizabeth. He sees His way. He sees possible. I long for the day I get the privilege of being called mom. And yet, as much as I would love my own child, God loves me even more. He wants HIS best for me, and HIS best blows my best out of the water. Think of how a child trusts their parent. Picture a dad swinging his little girl around and then throwing her up in the air and catching her...knowing the joy it brings her and knowing he would never let her fall. If we being earthly and sinful and flawed love our children that much and take care of our children that much, how much more does God do the same for us? God has brought me to a place where He is swinging me around and bringing me joy. But there are days I doubt...will He catch me? Imagine how you would feel as a parent if your child stopped and asked you that. What if they doubted that you would catch them? You know the depth of your love for that child and know you would never let them fall. In the same way, God's love for me goes beyond comprehension, and He would never let me fall. Yet, I doubt. Why? When He continues to prove Himself faithful time after time after time. Does He always give me what I want? No! And thank goodness! When I look back on some of the things I prayed for 10 years ago...I'm very thankful He didn't give them to me. But I also see things He has given me. Some I've asked for, and others have been sheer surprises that He chose to delight me with. God wants the best for us. But that doesn't mean that the best comes easy. Sometimes it is in the struggles and disappointments of life that He teaches us the most valuable lessons and shapes us into the people He desires us to be.
II Timothy 1:7 says "For God has not given us the spirit of fear but of power and love and a sound mind." GOD HAS NOT GIVEN US THE SPIRIT OF FEAR. Let that soak in. If God hasn't given us the spirit of fear, why do we fear? Why do we allow something that is NOT of Him, something He did not ordain to infiltrate our life and paralyze us? Why am I so afraid to let go of what I cannot control and trust Him to do what is best? Why am I so quick to jump to conclusions and allow illogical thoughts to rule my mind? Why do I over react before I know all sides to the story? Why do I freak out? The answer is plain and simple. Sin. We have to put to death the flesh each and every day. And it is hard. Just like it is hard for me to say no to french fries and chocolate and fattening food every single day, I know I have to. They are not good for me. I have to learn to say no to fear. No to worry. No to doubt. No to illogical thoughts that cause me to over react. I have to choose...DAILY...to counter those thoughts with only one thought. Jesus. That one name holds all the power we need to get through the day and to make it through every situation. Does it mean every day will be easy? No. Does it mean we won't have struggles or problems? Nope. Does it mean life will always go my way? Don't count on it. Does it mean I'll never fear or doubt again? I can assure you that won't be the case.
But if I will bring my mind and my thoughts under HIS control, let go of my need to control and trust that He sees my end from beginning, that He sees and has ordained the path before me...I can learn to live a joyful life. I can enjoy each moment as it comes. I can learn to be happy and not worry about what lurks around the corner. I can learn to "believe the best without assuming the worst." Even if a tough time comes. All because I know He holds me safely in His arms and nothing can take me away from Him.
So I'm working on it. I'm not where I need to be. In fact, I just had a moment this afternoon where I freaked out, over reacted and worried about something I saw on Facebook that caused me to question something. On Facebook, for heaven's sake! Really? But that is what sin does. It raises its ugly head and manipulates things to put us in a tailspin. But I'm growing. You know how I know? Because, yes, I had a brief freak out moment when I saw it. But I immediately began to pray for God to shine His light of truth and bring peace to my heart. Has it been a constant struggle since this afternoon to fight the illogical thoughts running amok in my brain? Yep. But I'm fighting them. And I'm choosing to believe God and to trust Him...no matter the outcome. Because let's face it...I ALWAYS mess things up when I follow the "freak out cycle." But when I let go and trust in the face of uncertainty, God is there. And where God is love is. And where love is, fear cannot dwell. I John 4:18 says, "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment...." Torment. I would say that perfectly sums up how I feel when I allow fear to dominate my mind. So if I allow God's truth and love to dominate my mind, fear has to flee.
Fear still has the power to bring me to my knees. But these days, it brings me to my knees in prayer and repentance rather than in pain and torment. It motivates me to seek His truth even more. I'm learning to trust God because of all He has done rather than to doubt Him in spite of all He has done. And I'm finally realizing after my "40 years" of fear, that He has not given that spirit of fear to me. He has given me peace and joy and love.
My prayer is that if you struggle with allowing fear to dominate your life that you will seek God's face and allow Him to free you from the pain and doubt and worry. He has such good things in store for us! I cannot wait to see what all He has planned in these coming months and year...I know it will blow my mind and, if He were to reveal it all to me now, my mind wouldn't be able to comprehend it. Does it mean He will give me everything I want? No. But He will provide everything I need to glorify Him and to live the life He created me to live. I will trust Him...even when I can't see where the next step is heading...I will take that step in faith, knowing He will provide in His time and His way...then I'll take the next step...and the next...and the next...until He leads me safely home. I refuse to allow fear to keep me from serving Him. I long to hear those words, "Well, done, good and faithful servant." So I'm saying goodbye to striving and fretting and my need to control every aspect of life. And I'm saying goodbye to fear.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
The Art of Being Still
There is an art to being still. I have not mastered that art. My mind runs 1,000 miles a minute. I analyze everything and reanalyze it. I try to figure things out often before it's time for me to know what it is I'm trying to figure out. I think, re-think and then think some more. My mind is my worst enemy. And being still is like the unattainable Holy Grail.
The past couple of months, God has been trying to "help" me master this art, however. And I don't like it. He tries this every so often, and every time I fight it. I know He is trying to work a change within me, but I don't like change. Well, I do like change...if it's fun or if I can see what the effect of that change will be. I don't like change that is hard or when I have no idea at all what the purpose of the change is. But still He works. I often feel like that piece of pottery that keeps flopping over as the potter tries to mold it...that stubborn piece that just won't mold into the shape it's supposed to. But, ever patient, God keeps molding. ("So I went down to the potter’s house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him." Jeremiah 18:3-4)
I told my friend the other day that I feel like I'm in a state of being unsettled. I am honestly at a point in my life where I have no idea where the road is leading. I know things that I want to happen, people I want to have in my life, my dreams and goals for my future. However, I see no clear direction. At all. The past couple of months I have questioned, doubted, cried, laughed, talked, prayed. And yet, God seems to remain silent. I know He is there. But He is silent. And it's in these moments that I need to be still and know. Did I mention I'm not good at being still?
I have three trimesters left of grad school, and while I'm excited about the end being near, I am beginning to question where I go from here. There will be decisions to make and change will happen. I turn 40 this year. And my life is so different from what I thought it would be by now. Not bad...just different. I'm thankful for the things I've experienced and accomplished in my almost 40 years. But those deepest desires have yet to be fulfilled. I want to start a private practice soon. And there are more decisions to be made and more change. And I feel unsettled and feel like I don't really have a clear direction right now. There are several questions to be answered before I can know which path to take. Questions that I ask God daily. Questions that still have no answer. Questions that, so far, God has chosen to remain silent about.
Like I said, the past couple of months He has been working on me. I'm learning to be patient (my weakest attribute by far) and wait on Him. I'm learning not to jump to conclusions. I'm learning to not do the same thing I've always done. And the hardest? I'm learning to change my thought patterns and trying to bring my thoughts (which are my worst enemy) under His control. And I can see change taking place. Not the fun, easy kind. This change has been difficult, tough and sometimes knocks me down. But I know it is for the good. I know it is all part of God making me into the woman He made me to be. And I'm learning to be thankful for these "growing" times...even though I don't like them when I'm smack in the middle of them.
Which brings me back to being still. I pray constantly. That is one thing I've learned to do...to pray without ceasing. Though at times, I am sure God would like a break. I know I'm one of His "problem children" at times. But I pray. There is the story of a judge in the Bible who finally answered a woman's request because of her persistence. (Luke 18:1-7) And I have taken that story to heart. When I pray, I am persistent. Probably to a fault. It's not that I don't think God heard me the first time or that He needs reminding. But it is through that persistent prayer that I find peace. But I often find I'm the one doing a lot of the talking. Yes, God speaks to my heart and gives me peace when I'm at the bottom and my emotions are running amok. But I rarely take time to be still and just sit in His presence.
Psalm 46:10 says, "Be still and know that I am God..." I know that God is God, that He is all powerful, that He has my best interests and the best interests of those I pray for at heart. But do I really KNOW God? Do I really take the time to be still just let Him show me His power and mercy and love? Life gets so crazy and so busy, and we sometimes need breaks from life, from the routines, from the chaos, from the bad news, from the trouble, from the good and the bad...we need time with our Father. It is in these times we find strength to deal with life.
So I'm learning to be still. This is not my favorite part of God's work in me. But I know He is working something greater for my good. I don't like to wait. And God knows that about me. But He also knows that what He is working out for me, the things I can't see, the things I don't understand...those things are far greater and more important than my dislike of waiting. So He would rather me suffer a little over waiting than miss out on what He has planned for my life.
So I wait... And learn the art of being still.
Be Still And Know by Steven Curtis Chapman
I Will Listen by Twila Paris
Sunday, March 31, 2013
I Will Not Be Moved
Wow! It has been almost a year since my last post. And I have missed it. Not that I haven't had a lot to write about. I have. But I guess work and school and life have kept me pretty busy.
The past year has been a roller coaster. (Of course when have I not had a roller coaster year.) I've had some really high highs and some really low lows. As I read back over a few of my previous posts, I keep seeing the same pattern and same struggles. You would think I would have learned those lessons by now. And I will say that I have gotten better at some of those things. But I've learned that the thorns in my flesh, as Paul wrote about, are my anxiety and worry and insecurity. Am I really enough? It's a question that runs through my head at least once a week, if not more.
I've shared many times before the true desires of my heart...marriage and family and children being at the very top. I've also got other desires like opening a private practice and doing something with theatre and drama in some type of charity work for kids. And then there are the everyday desires like being a good friend, a good daughter, a good employee. And while I know I am very blessed, I still wonder why God allows some things into our lives. Things that are hurtful or confusing or painful.
Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope." Romans 8:28 says that all things work together for our good. And I believe this to be true. I trust my God to provide all that I need. I trust that He is working things out for my good. But there are days that I have my doubts.
There are days when I question Him. A lot. Why does He allow heartache? Why does He allow sickness? Why does He allow loss? Why does He allow all these things that bring us pain? I know we live in a broken world. I know that sin is all around. I know that things will never be right this side of heaven. But I still wonder why He allows things that start out as good and wonderful to turn into things that are sad and hurtful. My human reasoning thinks that if He knows a situation is going to turn out badly, He should just not allow it to happen in the first place. If He knows our heart has been broken beyond repair many times before, He shouldn't allow someone else to break it again. If He knows that someone has had more than their share of hurt and loss, He should give them a break and bless them with some good things. If He knows that someone has already lost one parent at a young age, He shouldn't take the other parent too early. And the list goes on...
But God is God. And His ways and His thoughts are higher than mine. He doesn't call me to understand. He calls me to trust. He doesn't call me to try to reason things with my human mind. He calls me to trust even when things don't make sense. I don't understand. And there have been times I've let Him know that. There are times that I've gotten mad at Him. And yes, I do tell Him. But He understands. And He loves me still and gently holds me without condemnation or judgement until the tears stop and the anger and fear subside. Because that's what Fathers do.
Matthew 7:11 says, "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" I have been blessed with an amazing earthly father. I know it is a blessing because I have friends who have had some pretty rotten dads. And when I read this verse, I realize that as amazing and supportive and giving as my own dad is, God is so much more. And if I believe that, then I have to believe Jeremiah 29:11 and Romans 8:28. I have to believe that He does have a plan, that He is working all things for my good and the He WILL give me the desires of my heart. My anxiety and doubt and questions come when those things don't come in my time. But to trust Him means to trust His timing. God is never late. Ever.
I don't know why I'm approaching 40 and marriage and children still haven't come into my life. Especially when I have friends younger than me who are getting to experience both. I don't know why my mom passed away before I could experience those things with her here. I don't know why I often feel that I am not enough. I have had some moments of tears and crying out to God to ask why. And I have yet to receive an answer to that. (Of course, if He did answer me I'd probably die from heart failure on the spot!) But I come back to the fact that I have to trust. My faith is not based on what God does for me on a daily basis or on what wishes He can grant. My faith is based on a love that went all the way to the cross to die for me. A love that conquered death and hell and rose again so that I might live forever.
Will I ever get those desires of my heart? I truly hope so. And I hope it happens soon. But my focus has to be on Him rather than on those desires. And I'm afraid that my focus sometimes wavers. More often than not, my focus lies on that which I don't have, that which I want so badly. But I'm working on that. It's a daily struggle. Wait, make that an hourly struggle.
I don't understand life. I don't understand why things can be so, so good and in one moment turn so, so bad. I don't understand why things happen as they do. But I do trust the One who understands and who is working it all out for my good.
The past couple of weeks there have been a couple of songs that have truly spoken to my heart. "Broken Praise" from The Story...it's a song based on the life of Job, and it has really been pertinent to my state of mind these past couple of weeks. Another one is "I Will Not Be Moved" by Natalie Grant. It talks about how life has been hard and bitterness has reared its ugly head. But no matter what happens I stand on Christ and will not be moved.
My prayer (for you and myself) is that whatever life is throwing at you right now you will seek refuge and shelter in the Father's arms and that you will learn to trust and not be moved...no matter what. That whatever struggle or doubt you face you will know you are deeply loved by the One who gave it all to save you.
Broken Praise
I Will Not Be Moved
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Moving Heaven and Earth
As I write this blog entry, I am overwhelmed at two things. One is how great God is in His provision, power, love and ability to surprise the socks off me. The other is how I often forget that His plan and provision and love is sufficient. It seems I never will learn that lesson, yet He continues to bless me beyond measure.
About a month ago, I was at our regional music therapy conference with some friends and students. My friend and I were talking and it came up that my apartment lease was up in June and that I needed to remember to renew it. My friend mentioned that she was interested in renting out her house so that she could move closer to work and stop commuting. She really loved the house and wanted to keep it but would have to rent it out to be able to keep it while also renting herself. So I told her I would come look at it, but at that point I was kind of thinking I wasn't that interested. Little did I know that God was working out something that I was yet unaware of.
My friend had to leave the conference early due to her grandmother's illness and eventual passing (please continue to pray for her and her family). I came back home and resumed my routine. We talked several times over the next couple of weeks...about losing someone so special, about life, about TV shows, about other routine things. And I kind of forgot about the house. But then she asked me to come look at it. So I did. And I fell in love with it! It was more than I could ever imagine I would want in a house and the rent was cheaper than what I was currently paying. I asked all the questions about cost of electricity, insurance and everything else I needed to know. And the other bonus is that the set up of the house is perfect for starting a private music therapy practice...complete with a room I can use as my office/session room and doors to shut off the rest of the house when clients are there. I went home and began praying that God would give me guidance as whether or not to rent the house. I knew I wanted it, but I also knew that I wanted to look at it realistically and not rush into something based on feeling.
I called my dad, and he was excited about it and also began praying about it. Over the next week, God began to show me in the strangest and most exciting ways that this was something He had been working out for me. Things from money to issues at my apartment to finding out that my college roommate has family that lives right down the street to friends who are willing to help me move. The other issue we had to pray about was that my friend would find a house to live in where she worked. So we did. And she has received a very promising lead that will hopefully pan out this week (please be praying).
Some may think that this is no big deal...I'm just renting a house. But I see so much more! I see how before I even knew it, God was working out something that was so much better for me than I had planned. See, my plan was to just rent an apartment until I finished grad school and then see where life took me. I knew that I wanted to stay in this area and that I would eventually want a house. And I've been ok in the apartment...but it has never felt like home. I feel like I'm in a dorm. And though I never really voiced that until now, the Lord knew that and began planning something better. Somewhere I could feel like I was home and could entertain and cook and sit in my backyard and see music therapy clients. I see now that God has been in the details even before I knew I wanted a house.
I have just been overwhelmed this week at how good God is. Life has been tough these last few years, and there have been times I wanted to give up, times I've been upset with God, times I've doubted. But over and over, God shows His love and provision in ways I cannot even imagine...even in the midst of pain and sorrow and heartache. And I'm trying to learn this lesson. And at times I feel like a spoiled child who just isn't satisfied. I know God has blessed me beyond what I deserve, but there are still a couple of desires I have in my heart that I wish He would provide. Don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful...beyond what I can express. But I still long for those things.
However, God has used this past week and this situation with this house to show me in a very concrete way that His plans for my life far outweigh any I could have for my life. That doesn't mean I don't have days where I still doubt or wonder. Last night, I had a conversation with a couple other of my single friends wondering where the godly men were and why God hadn't brought them to us yet. And then I watched Courageous (if you haven't seen this movie, do it!) this morning and found myself again wondering where men with that kind of integrity and faith and compassion are or, if they are out there, why aren't they interested in me. I know they must be out there somewhere, but I still question why God hasn't blessed me with the one He has for me yet. But I know He has his reasons. I know His plans are higher and better than my own. I know that my God has something wonderful in store for me.
And if this past week is any indication, I know that when He does provide this desire of my heart, He is going to blow me away with how He does it. So I rest in Him, "expectantly hopeful" that He is, even right now, working on my behalf, willing to move heaven and earth to provide and show me how much He loves me. I am so thankful...thankful for parents who raised me to have faith in such an amazing God, who demonstrated in front of me what a Christian marriage should be and who loved me in such a way as to be a true example of God's love for me.
So I'm waiting expectantly, knowing that if God is willing to give me things I didn't even know I wanted in such an amazing way, He will also provide the desires of my heart... But until then, "I'll run into Your arms, the riches of Your love will always be enough..."
PS: This is the final scene from Courageous...and this is the kind of man I am asking God to send my way.
About a month ago, I was at our regional music therapy conference with some friends and students. My friend and I were talking and it came up that my apartment lease was up in June and that I needed to remember to renew it. My friend mentioned that she was interested in renting out her house so that she could move closer to work and stop commuting. She really loved the house and wanted to keep it but would have to rent it out to be able to keep it while also renting herself. So I told her I would come look at it, but at that point I was kind of thinking I wasn't that interested. Little did I know that God was working out something that I was yet unaware of.
My friend had to leave the conference early due to her grandmother's illness and eventual passing (please continue to pray for her and her family). I came back home and resumed my routine. We talked several times over the next couple of weeks...about losing someone so special, about life, about TV shows, about other routine things. And I kind of forgot about the house. But then she asked me to come look at it. So I did. And I fell in love with it! It was more than I could ever imagine I would want in a house and the rent was cheaper than what I was currently paying. I asked all the questions about cost of electricity, insurance and everything else I needed to know. And the other bonus is that the set up of the house is perfect for starting a private music therapy practice...complete with a room I can use as my office/session room and doors to shut off the rest of the house when clients are there. I went home and began praying that God would give me guidance as whether or not to rent the house. I knew I wanted it, but I also knew that I wanted to look at it realistically and not rush into something based on feeling.
I called my dad, and he was excited about it and also began praying about it. Over the next week, God began to show me in the strangest and most exciting ways that this was something He had been working out for me. Things from money to issues at my apartment to finding out that my college roommate has family that lives right down the street to friends who are willing to help me move. The other issue we had to pray about was that my friend would find a house to live in where she worked. So we did. And she has received a very promising lead that will hopefully pan out this week (please be praying).
Some may think that this is no big deal...I'm just renting a house. But I see so much more! I see how before I even knew it, God was working out something that was so much better for me than I had planned. See, my plan was to just rent an apartment until I finished grad school and then see where life took me. I knew that I wanted to stay in this area and that I would eventually want a house. And I've been ok in the apartment...but it has never felt like home. I feel like I'm in a dorm. And though I never really voiced that until now, the Lord knew that and began planning something better. Somewhere I could feel like I was home and could entertain and cook and sit in my backyard and see music therapy clients. I see now that God has been in the details even before I knew I wanted a house.
I have just been overwhelmed this week at how good God is. Life has been tough these last few years, and there have been times I wanted to give up, times I've been upset with God, times I've doubted. But over and over, God shows His love and provision in ways I cannot even imagine...even in the midst of pain and sorrow and heartache. And I'm trying to learn this lesson. And at times I feel like a spoiled child who just isn't satisfied. I know God has blessed me beyond what I deserve, but there are still a couple of desires I have in my heart that I wish He would provide. Don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful...beyond what I can express. But I still long for those things.
However, God has used this past week and this situation with this house to show me in a very concrete way that His plans for my life far outweigh any I could have for my life. That doesn't mean I don't have days where I still doubt or wonder. Last night, I had a conversation with a couple other of my single friends wondering where the godly men were and why God hadn't brought them to us yet. And then I watched Courageous (if you haven't seen this movie, do it!) this morning and found myself again wondering where men with that kind of integrity and faith and compassion are or, if they are out there, why aren't they interested in me. I know they must be out there somewhere, but I still question why God hasn't blessed me with the one He has for me yet. But I know He has his reasons. I know His plans are higher and better than my own. I know that my God has something wonderful in store for me.
And if this past week is any indication, I know that when He does provide this desire of my heart, He is going to blow me away with how He does it. So I rest in Him, "expectantly hopeful" that He is, even right now, working on my behalf, willing to move heaven and earth to provide and show me how much He loves me. I am so thankful...thankful for parents who raised me to have faith in such an amazing God, who demonstrated in front of me what a Christian marriage should be and who loved me in such a way as to be a true example of God's love for me.
So I'm waiting expectantly, knowing that if God is willing to give me things I didn't even know I wanted in such an amazing way, He will also provide the desires of my heart... But until then, "I'll run into Your arms, the riches of Your love will always be enough..."
PS: This is the final scene from Courageous...and this is the kind of man I am asking God to send my way.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
The Time In Between
Today as I was driving back from a visit home, I was blasting some music and singing at the top of my lungs and having a grand old time. I love music. It is my life. I was born into a musical family and even chose a music based career (music therapy) as my life's work. I find such power in music and am always amazed at how God can use a song that I've listened to over and over and over again and show me something new.
My last post was written out of a dark place where I just felt like I was watching everyone else receive the deepest desires of their heart while I just sat and got passed by. Even though I'm in a much better place now, I still have moments where I feel that way. However, today, driving back, God spoke to my heart through a song...as He often does.
I was listening to Francesca Battistelli. I love her music and love to sing along to it. A lot of her songs have powerful messages. And one in particular had the message I needed to hear today. "The Time In Between' is song that I have listened to and sung over and over. I've always loved it, and I've listened and read the lyrics many times. However, today was different.
The song talks about the importance of the time in between events...the time in between Jesus' birth and death and the time He spent in between the two thieves on the cross and how those moments shaped Christianity and our lives forever. But it was the middle verse that stood out to me today.
As I've said before, Psalm 37:4 is one of my favorite verses and a promise of hope from God Himself. It says that if we delight in the Lord He will give us the desires of our heart. Now, I have studied this verse and thought of all the things it could mean...does it mean that He places the desires He has for us in our hearts or does he grant us the deepest desires we have for ourselves...and I believe it means a little of both. I've prayed that God would place His desires in my heart and that He would give me those things I so desperately want. Not things like material things...but things like a husband and children, things like a place where I can use music and counseling to help families affected by poverty and all that brings with it. Things like those that are not simply material things but things that I feel I was placed here to do or be a part of. And while I feel I'm on my way to some of those desires, there are others that seem so distant and make me wonder if I'll ever have them.
So back to the song. Like I mentioned earlier, my last post was kind of dark and depressing. But the devil has a way of attacking me in this area...by trying to tell me that Psalm 37:4 wasn't meant for me, by telling me that God is leaving me out of the happiness He bestows on others, by telling me I'm not worthy enough or good enough or pretty enough or thin enough or talented enough or whatever else I happen to be struggling with on any given day. And he hits hard! So today when I started singing along to the middle verse of this song, it was like God said, "see, I do have your best in mind and I WILL give you those desires in MY time and in MY way...even when you don't understand...and no matter what the devil tries to tell you, trust ME for every desire of your heart...both big and small."
See it's in these times of waiting that we grow and develop into the people God made us to be. It's not easy, and it's not fun. And I spend many days wondering what the purpose in the waiting is. But just as the potter places the clay on the wheel and forms it and then has to fire it in the fire to make it shine, God is forming and molding and shaping me. And even though I don't understand it or see it, there is a purpose in the waiting. And I have a choice. I can listen to the voice of the enemy or I can listen to the voice of my Father. On good days, that's an easy choice. But on those bad days, it's hard to drown out the lies and hear the truth.
The song says, "Don't take much for this crazy world to rob me of my peace. And the enemy of my soul says You're holding out on me. So I stand here lifting empty hands for You to fill me up again. But it's the time in between that I fall down to my knees waiting on what You'll bring. And the things that I can't see. I know my song's incomplete so I'll sing in the time in between."
So here I sit...still waiting. And waiting. And waiting. And I now that my song is incomplete...and until HE chooses to complete it, I'll keep singing. And trusting. And believing that He, who is my soul's deepest desire and who loves me more than I could ever comprehend, will bless me and fulfill me with every desire of my heart.
My last post was written out of a dark place where I just felt like I was watching everyone else receive the deepest desires of their heart while I just sat and got passed by. Even though I'm in a much better place now, I still have moments where I feel that way. However, today, driving back, God spoke to my heart through a song...as He often does.
I was listening to Francesca Battistelli. I love her music and love to sing along to it. A lot of her songs have powerful messages. And one in particular had the message I needed to hear today. "The Time In Between' is song that I have listened to and sung over and over. I've always loved it, and I've listened and read the lyrics many times. However, today was different.
The song talks about the importance of the time in between events...the time in between Jesus' birth and death and the time He spent in between the two thieves on the cross and how those moments shaped Christianity and our lives forever. But it was the middle verse that stood out to me today.
As I've said before, Psalm 37:4 is one of my favorite verses and a promise of hope from God Himself. It says that if we delight in the Lord He will give us the desires of our heart. Now, I have studied this verse and thought of all the things it could mean...does it mean that He places the desires He has for us in our hearts or does he grant us the deepest desires we have for ourselves...and I believe it means a little of both. I've prayed that God would place His desires in my heart and that He would give me those things I so desperately want. Not things like material things...but things like a husband and children, things like a place where I can use music and counseling to help families affected by poverty and all that brings with it. Things like those that are not simply material things but things that I feel I was placed here to do or be a part of. And while I feel I'm on my way to some of those desires, there are others that seem so distant and make me wonder if I'll ever have them.
So back to the song. Like I mentioned earlier, my last post was kind of dark and depressing. But the devil has a way of attacking me in this area...by trying to tell me that Psalm 37:4 wasn't meant for me, by telling me that God is leaving me out of the happiness He bestows on others, by telling me I'm not worthy enough or good enough or pretty enough or thin enough or talented enough or whatever else I happen to be struggling with on any given day. And he hits hard! So today when I started singing along to the middle verse of this song, it was like God said, "see, I do have your best in mind and I WILL give you those desires in MY time and in MY way...even when you don't understand...and no matter what the devil tries to tell you, trust ME for every desire of your heart...both big and small."
See it's in these times of waiting that we grow and develop into the people God made us to be. It's not easy, and it's not fun. And I spend many days wondering what the purpose in the waiting is. But just as the potter places the clay on the wheel and forms it and then has to fire it in the fire to make it shine, God is forming and molding and shaping me. And even though I don't understand it or see it, there is a purpose in the waiting. And I have a choice. I can listen to the voice of the enemy or I can listen to the voice of my Father. On good days, that's an easy choice. But on those bad days, it's hard to drown out the lies and hear the truth.
The song says, "Don't take much for this crazy world to rob me of my peace. And the enemy of my soul says You're holding out on me. So I stand here lifting empty hands for You to fill me up again. But it's the time in between that I fall down to my knees waiting on what You'll bring. And the things that I can't see. I know my song's incomplete so I'll sing in the time in between."
So here I sit...still waiting. And waiting. And waiting. And I now that my song is incomplete...and until HE chooses to complete it, I'll keep singing. And trusting. And believing that He, who is my soul's deepest desire and who loves me more than I could ever comprehend, will bless me and fulfill me with every desire of my heart.
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