I have been trying for several months to get back to writing and updating my blog. For some reason, it just didn't happen. I have started keeping a journal of ideas and verses when they pop in my head. However, I have still not updated anything since August. Not for lack of trying or will. But as I've come to believe and understand, all things happen in due time, in their proper place and for a reason.
Over the last few months, I've made some life changing decisions...planning a major move, going to grad school, starting my own private practice. All of these things are in process. During this time, I've also "met" many fellow music therapists through Twitter, Facebook, email and blogs who have inspired me and have enabled me to feel as though I'm part of a community of people who "get it." Several of these amazing people write blogs...which has led me to realize I really, really want and need to get back to blogging.
See, whether anyone reads my musings or not, writing is therapeutic for me. I love to write but seldom make time to do so. I've made the decision that I want to get back to updating this blog at least weekly and that I also want to start a couple new blogs (yes, I do push myself to the limits and sometimes think I'm Superwoman) - one on music therapy, my process of starting a business and eventually blogging about my experiences and services; one on being single and in my 30's and independent and focused and content while fending off questions as to why I'm not married (haven't been asked by the right guy) or why I don't have kids (because I'm not married, can't afford to do it on my own and am now approaching 40 and because by not having my own, I can reach out to so many more) or if I really can be content being "alone" (it's a daily struggle and it takes work, but yes, you can). But I digress... Those new blogs will hopefully get underway in the new year.
Now back to THIS blog. I've used Expectant Hope as a way to share my views, thoughts, opinions, convictions on life and to share things I believe God is showing me. It's a constant growing process, one I will never finish this side of Heaven. It's called Expectant Hope because that is how I choose to live my life...expectantly hopeful of all God has in store and trusting that He WILL one day give me the desires of my heart. Though I'm learning, those desires are not always fulfilled in the way I thought they would be. Ok...so enough rambling.
The point of this post is to let you know that I intend to do a 25 day Advent blog to celebrate Christmas and the birth of Christ. Christmas is a special time of year. One that became dark for me after the loss of my mother. Now that this is the third Christmas without her, I'm finally beginning to find some of that joy again. And that only comes because I know she's celebrating in Heaven and I'll be there to celebrate along with her one day. So as part of the celebration of life and love and salvation and joy, I wanted to share some thoughts on this season and the key people who had a part in Jesus' humble beginning on this earth. I cannot promise each blog will be up at the same time every day or that I might not have to combine two in one from time to time. But this is a challenge to myself as well as to you, the reader. A challenge to dig a little deeper this year, to see the true meaning of Christmas and to share it with, not only family and friends, but with those less fortunate and hurting.
Over the next 25 days, I plan on talking about the birth of Jesus from the viewpoint of a different person each day. From major "characters" like Mary and Joseph to lesser thought of "characters" such as Simeon and Jesus' siblings. I may even throw in a lesson from the standpoint of the animals who witnessed the birth. I don't claim to know everything or have all the answers. I am just a simple girl with a love for Christ and a desire to share what He has laid on my heart.
I hope you will take the time to read each day's entry. And I hope it will bring you closer to the One Christmas is all about!
Merry Christmas!
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Trying to update
I sat down tonight to try to write a new post. However, for some reason, my laptop is being a pain and keeps freezing up. So unfortunately I won't be posting tonight. However, I've learned that even in the seemingly mundane, God always has a plan and a reason. I will attempt it again hopefully tomorrow night. But in the meantime I leave you with these verses: to hopefully encourage you:
Habakkuk 3:17-18 (which tonight seems appropriate and I would like to add "though your computer decides to have a mind of its own"...and, yes, I'm trying to be joyful)
"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior."
From Lamentations 3 (The Message)
"...I keep a grip on hope...God's loyal love couldn't have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up. They're created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over). He's all I've got left. God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It's a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God...Wait for hope to appear."
Jeremiah 32:3 (The Message)
"Call to me and I will answer you. I'll tell you marvelous and wonderful things that you could never figure out on your own."
Habakkuk 3:17-18 (which tonight seems appropriate and I would like to add "though your computer decides to have a mind of its own"...and, yes, I'm trying to be joyful)
"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior."
From Lamentations 3 (The Message)
"...I keep a grip on hope...God's loyal love couldn't have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up. They're created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over). He's all I've got left. God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It's a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God...Wait for hope to appear."
Jeremiah 32:3 (The Message)
"Call to me and I will answer you. I'll tell you marvelous and wonderful things that you could never figure out on your own."
Sunday, July 11, 2010
I'm back...
After almost a year and a half away from updating my blog, I'm back! As you may or may not know, I lost my mother in June, 2008. It's been a tough couple of years, but I'm finally starting to return to normal...or as normal as you can be after losing your mom and best friend. I am not quite sure how often I'll update...my goal is weekly. However, I hope to start back writing and sharing my thoughts. Not sure how many people actually read this, but it is very therapeutic for me to write. I hope that along the way some of my ramblings may touch someone else. Look for the latest update coming soon...
Thursday, January 8, 2009
A Return to Joy
After many months away, I'm finally getting back to my blog. Something that used to be so much fun for me and cathartic in a way became difficult, and I just didn't feel like I had anything to say. That was due to going through the hardest thing I've ever been through the date...the passing away of my mom. As I sit here writing tonight, I'm sure the tears will come as will some laughter. It's been a long tough road since June 3, and I'm sure I have many more twists and turns to come. But today, for the first time since that day, I experienced true joy and happiness.
Nothing in particular brought the joy. Which is usually the way joy appears. Back in December I put up our Christmas tree and decorations. It was a hard thing to do. The last several years this was something that my mom and I shared. Due to her health, she wasn't able to do a lot as far as decorating. But we fell into our special routine...we would play Christmas music in the background...usually finding one or two songs that stood out that year and play them over and over. I would put up the tree and start taking out ornaments. She would help put up a few and then sit on the couch and watch me (and sometimes Bryce and Noah) put the others on the tree. She'd watch as I put out my collection of Nativity sets...many of which she and my dad had given me each previous year for Christmas. And I have a ton! And we would talk about anything and everything. And when everything was decorated, she would sit there and look at the living room and say how beautiful everything was. Now we don't live in an elaborate mansion...just a simple home with simple decorations. But to her, it was the most beautiful tree in the world. And it was also a reminder that the first Christmas was far from being elaborate...Baby Jesus in a manger surrounded by smelly animals. Yet it was the most beautiful Christmas ever.
So this year, after making myself put out decorations I really didn't want to deal with...I sat and listened to a Christmas song by Steven Curtis Chapman called "Home for Christmas"...and cried and weeped because I wasn't able to share this moment with my mom. The song is one that became special to me after my Mema passed away awhile back...and now has a new special meaning with this new loss. As that day went on, I didn't think I was going to make it. I pretty much just wanted to skip Christmas. As the days went on, I had some good days. But the closer Christmas got, the more I was dreading it. Thankfully, I had a handful of good friends who talked me through the rough days or just let me cry...and who still are there anytime I call. But I knew it was going to be hard.
So Christmas came and went. And it was....different. It was hard. Yes, I cried. My dad and I felt kind of out of place at the usual family gatherings. Kind of like we were missing a part of us. And we were. See, not only had we lost a wife and mother...we also lost our best friend. My parents have always been such an example of what true love is all about...and what I can only hope to find one day. And my mom and I shared something special, too, that not everyone has with their mom. So it was almost like having a double loss...on one hand my mom who raised me and prayed for me everyday and who I spent many days with at doctor's offices and hospitals...on the other hand my best friend who I could talk to and shop with and cry to when my heart got broken or laugh with over something crazy we did. And nothing can ever prepare you for a loss like that. It affects you in ways you cannot anticipate. And at times you even feel like you are going a little crazy.
I know that she's in Heaven, and I know without a doubt that I will see her again. But that didn't help with the anger that God had taken her too soon. That there were things I still wanted her here for...like my wedding, my children, Baddour plays (that she and my dad always came to), to cook Christmas goodies with, to talk to when there is no one else who understands, and the list goes on. Or the anger when well meaning people (who really don't know me well) would try to tell me they knew how I felt or what I was going through...because no one knows that except the person going through it. And I didn't want hugs and well wishes. I wanted to scream and cry and just be left alone. I still hate that she won't be here for those things and I still have issues with people other than my close friends trying to "make it better", but the anger is subsiding...and I know that God has a plan. Even though I don't understand it. But it's taken awhile to get to that point. And that's not to say that I won't have moments of anger again. Or moments of crying. Or denial. Or depression. All of those things are normal stages of grief. But today, for the first time since the days before June 3, I began to experience joy and happiness and peace.
Psalm 30:5 says "..weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." The weeping did endure, and it was a long night. But I'm beginning to see signs of the morning. Today I took down those same decorations I put up a month ago. But instead of crying with every ornament, I began to smile and even laugh at some of the memories of years past. And I felt this overwhelming peace and joy...that life was going to be ok. That God was going to do great things and that He would heal my heart.
Now, I still miss my mom and always will. No one can take that place. I'm going to miss cooking all of the treats we used to cook together for Christmas. I'm going to miss those unique Nativity sets she always got me (although my dad and a couple of my friends jumped in and gave me a couple this year...thank you!!!). I still miss the talks we had on the way to her doctor appointments. I miss our lunches. If I am ever blessed to be married and have children, I'm going to miss her not being there at the end of the aisle or in the delivery room. When I face another tragedy or loss or crisis, I'm going to miss having her to talk to. And when I have wonderful news, I'm going to miss rushing home to tell her. And I am thankful that my dad and I have a good relationship and can still share some of these things together.
But I can still have joy. A joy that no one can steal. I'm sure I'll have more nights of weeping, more bad days, more anger, more hurt. My heart has been broken beyond what can ever be fully repaired. But it is on the mend. And the Lord is faithful and will give me strength each day as I need it. And He will be my joy. He will be your joy. I'm sure some who read this have dealt with a loss or pain so deep you think you can never heal. But you can. Or rather He can heal you. He never promised it would be easy, but He did promise to never leave you. Even on days you don't feel Him there, on days when you scream at Him for allowing such pain (which is ok, you know...He's God and He can handle it) and on days when you just want to curl up in your bed and shut out the world...He's still there. And He waits to restore your joy.
I can't wait for the day I get to see my Momma again. But until that day, I'm going to try to live every day to the fullest and be happy...which is what she would want. And the joy I feel now is nothing to compare to the joy I'll feel on that day...when I not only get to see her again, but when I get to meet my Savior face to face for the first time. And I'll be filled with joy unspeakable and feel love beyond comprehension.
So please continue to pray for my dad and me as we continue to navigate this way we've never been before. I know we still have some hard days ahead. But I know with time, the pain will diminish and the happiness will grow. And the joy will return.
Nothing in particular brought the joy. Which is usually the way joy appears. Back in December I put up our Christmas tree and decorations. It was a hard thing to do. The last several years this was something that my mom and I shared. Due to her health, she wasn't able to do a lot as far as decorating. But we fell into our special routine...we would play Christmas music in the background...usually finding one or two songs that stood out that year and play them over and over. I would put up the tree and start taking out ornaments. She would help put up a few and then sit on the couch and watch me (and sometimes Bryce and Noah) put the others on the tree. She'd watch as I put out my collection of Nativity sets...many of which she and my dad had given me each previous year for Christmas. And I have a ton! And we would talk about anything and everything. And when everything was decorated, she would sit there and look at the living room and say how beautiful everything was. Now we don't live in an elaborate mansion...just a simple home with simple decorations. But to her, it was the most beautiful tree in the world. And it was also a reminder that the first Christmas was far from being elaborate...Baby Jesus in a manger surrounded by smelly animals. Yet it was the most beautiful Christmas ever.
So this year, after making myself put out decorations I really didn't want to deal with...I sat and listened to a Christmas song by Steven Curtis Chapman called "Home for Christmas"...and cried and weeped because I wasn't able to share this moment with my mom. The song is one that became special to me after my Mema passed away awhile back...and now has a new special meaning with this new loss. As that day went on, I didn't think I was going to make it. I pretty much just wanted to skip Christmas. As the days went on, I had some good days. But the closer Christmas got, the more I was dreading it. Thankfully, I had a handful of good friends who talked me through the rough days or just let me cry...and who still are there anytime I call. But I knew it was going to be hard.
So Christmas came and went. And it was....different. It was hard. Yes, I cried. My dad and I felt kind of out of place at the usual family gatherings. Kind of like we were missing a part of us. And we were. See, not only had we lost a wife and mother...we also lost our best friend. My parents have always been such an example of what true love is all about...and what I can only hope to find one day. And my mom and I shared something special, too, that not everyone has with their mom. So it was almost like having a double loss...on one hand my mom who raised me and prayed for me everyday and who I spent many days with at doctor's offices and hospitals...on the other hand my best friend who I could talk to and shop with and cry to when my heart got broken or laugh with over something crazy we did. And nothing can ever prepare you for a loss like that. It affects you in ways you cannot anticipate. And at times you even feel like you are going a little crazy.
I know that she's in Heaven, and I know without a doubt that I will see her again. But that didn't help with the anger that God had taken her too soon. That there were things I still wanted her here for...like my wedding, my children, Baddour plays (that she and my dad always came to), to cook Christmas goodies with, to talk to when there is no one else who understands, and the list goes on. Or the anger when well meaning people (who really don't know me well) would try to tell me they knew how I felt or what I was going through...because no one knows that except the person going through it. And I didn't want hugs and well wishes. I wanted to scream and cry and just be left alone. I still hate that she won't be here for those things and I still have issues with people other than my close friends trying to "make it better", but the anger is subsiding...and I know that God has a plan. Even though I don't understand it. But it's taken awhile to get to that point. And that's not to say that I won't have moments of anger again. Or moments of crying. Or denial. Or depression. All of those things are normal stages of grief. But today, for the first time since the days before June 3, I began to experience joy and happiness and peace.
Psalm 30:5 says "..weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." The weeping did endure, and it was a long night. But I'm beginning to see signs of the morning. Today I took down those same decorations I put up a month ago. But instead of crying with every ornament, I began to smile and even laugh at some of the memories of years past. And I felt this overwhelming peace and joy...that life was going to be ok. That God was going to do great things and that He would heal my heart.
Now, I still miss my mom and always will. No one can take that place. I'm going to miss cooking all of the treats we used to cook together for Christmas. I'm going to miss those unique Nativity sets she always got me (although my dad and a couple of my friends jumped in and gave me a couple this year...thank you!!!). I still miss the talks we had on the way to her doctor appointments. I miss our lunches. If I am ever blessed to be married and have children, I'm going to miss her not being there at the end of the aisle or in the delivery room. When I face another tragedy or loss or crisis, I'm going to miss having her to talk to. And when I have wonderful news, I'm going to miss rushing home to tell her. And I am thankful that my dad and I have a good relationship and can still share some of these things together.
But I can still have joy. A joy that no one can steal. I'm sure I'll have more nights of weeping, more bad days, more anger, more hurt. My heart has been broken beyond what can ever be fully repaired. But it is on the mend. And the Lord is faithful and will give me strength each day as I need it. And He will be my joy. He will be your joy. I'm sure some who read this have dealt with a loss or pain so deep you think you can never heal. But you can. Or rather He can heal you. He never promised it would be easy, but He did promise to never leave you. Even on days you don't feel Him there, on days when you scream at Him for allowing such pain (which is ok, you know...He's God and He can handle it) and on days when you just want to curl up in your bed and shut out the world...He's still there. And He waits to restore your joy.
I can't wait for the day I get to see my Momma again. But until that day, I'm going to try to live every day to the fullest and be happy...which is what she would want. And the joy I feel now is nothing to compare to the joy I'll feel on that day...when I not only get to see her again, but when I get to meet my Savior face to face for the first time. And I'll be filled with joy unspeakable and feel love beyond comprehension.
So please continue to pray for my dad and me as we continue to navigate this way we've never been before. I know we still have some hard days ahead. But I know with time, the pain will diminish and the happiness will grow. And the joy will return.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Taking a break...
As you may or may not know, my mother passed away June 3. Since that time, I haven't felt much like blogging...as I'm sure you understand. Not only did I lose my mom...I also lost my best friend. It's been a rough few months, but I hope to be back soon. Thanks for your prayers and thoughts.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Holding On
Today at church we had a service for the seniors graduating from high school. As I sat there, I thought about life and how different mine has turned out to be from what I thought it would be. I remember my senior year of high school and all the plans and dreams I had. I wanted to be the next (and don't laugh) Debbie Gibson. For those of you too young to know who that is...think Miley Cyrus today. Seriously, I did want to sing and travel and tour and record and all that goes with the music business. I thought I'd be married by 30 and on my way to having the 10 children (yes, I was crazy) I planned to have. I knew I'd be out on my own in my own house. I thought life would be much different from what it is. Sure didn't think I'd still be living at home. Didn't think I'd have my heart broken as badly as I did. Had no idea I'd be doing the work I'm doing now. It makes me wonder about those students from today and how different their life is going to be in 10 years from what they think it will be like today.
However, as I look back over the time since graduation, I realize that even though my life isn't what I thought it would be that it is what it is meant to be. Now, I don't always like the turns my life has taken or the lessons I've had to learn. But I know that each moment has been part of God's plan for me. Even the moments I don't understand.
I have a hard time with waiting. I'm not the most patient person. People think I am because I work with people with intellectual disabilities. And in that respect, maybe I am patient. But in my own personal life, I don't like to wait. God promised that if we delight in Him He would give us the desires of our heart. But I want those desires right now. Not later. I'm also a worrier...although I've gotten better about that in the last year. But put impatience and worry together and a lot of times you get a big mess.
I've been reading "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. It has been an amazing tool God has used to help me see who He is making me to be. They talk about becoming the woman God made me to be and seeing my beauty (which is VERY difficult for me because I don't look at myself as beautiful) and how we need to trust in God for what we need in our lives. But there is a part that has hit home really hard with me. And it is about taking risks, trusting and striving. I don't like to take risks. I don't trust easily. And I strive to try to make my life what I want it to be and worry about things that are out of my control...rather than letting things just happen.
But I'm learning. And I'm getting better at those things. I love to read from "The Message" Bible. The translation is in today's language and makes things so clear. There are a couple of verses that I read almost every day. They are in Ephesians 3. "God can do anything you know - far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us." Wow! That is a pretty cool thing...to know that God can blow our minds with what He can do and that He delights to do it. But there is another verse further up in that passage that is what I fail to remember a lot of times. It says "God handling all the details."
This is where I have a hard time. I love to think that God can give me more than I could ever dream...but I don't always leave Him alone to let Him work it out. I know God is in control. I know He'll do what's best. I know He'll give me more than I ever dreamed. But still, I strive and struggle and beg and plead and try to take control rather than leaving it with Him. No matter how many times He proves faithful and works things out better than I ever could, I still slip back into wanting to take control. But I'm learning. And I have found that a lot of times, if I'll just wait on Him, He gives me not only what I need but also sometimes what I want. I'm also afraid to take the risks that He asks me to take. Even though I know He is with me in the situation and will work it out for my good, I still fear to hope that the risk will pay off and that good things will happen. But again, I'm learning.
And that brings me back to how life has turned out completely different from what I thought it would. I never did get to do the music thing professionally. But I got to become a music therapist and still use music to touch lives and change them. Do I still wish I could sing and travel? There are days I do. But knowing that I'm doing what God put me here to do is much more fulfilling. And who knows? One day He may grant me that request. I still live at home and don't have my own house. But I've been able to develop a good relationship with my parents that not everyone has. I'm not married and I sure don't have those 10 kids I once wanted. But that's ok, too. I'm a different person than I was 10 years ago, and I'm glad I've been able to grow into who I am becoming. And hopefully one day the Lord will bless me with a wonderful man that I can grow old with and with children (although I'm good with 2 or 3 now).
Life has not turned out quite like I planned it. It never does. Maybe yours hasn't either. Maybe like me your career has taken a different path. Maybe you are single and wish for the day someone would love you. Maybe you're divorced and you don't know if you can trust anyone to love you again. Maybe you have health issues you never thought you'd face and life has completely changed. Maybe you've had your heart broken to the point you don't think you'll ever feel you can let anyone in again. Maybe you've lost a child, a parent, a friend way too soon. I could go on and on with a list of ways life has taken the breath out of you. Or maybe your life has turned out how you planned and everything is great. But trust me, at some point life will hit you hard and you will wonder what it's all about.
Jeremiah 29:11 is a favorite verse of mine. It says that the Lord knows the plans He has for us, plans for good and not for evil. Plans to give us a future and a hope. He knows the plans He has for us. They may not be the same plans we have for us. But I can guarantee you that when you get to the end of your road, you will be able to look back and see that His plans were best. I've also found that sometimes those things I thought wanted actually turned out to not be so great. There are days when I question Him a lot and wonder what in the world He's doing. There are days when I think He's left me out here to fight for myself. But He hasn't. And He knows what He's doing. And even though He's proven Himself faithful, I still have a hard time trusting Him to do what's best when things seem to fall apart. But He understands that, too.
So no matter where your life has taken you, no matter what circumstance you find yourself in, you can trust that God is there with you. Even when it's scary or hard or confusing, He knows what He's doing. Sometimes the hardest things we have to go through turn out to be blessings in disguise...preparing us for something greater and more wonderful. And if we will just rest in Him, trust Him and be willing to take the risks He asks us to take, life will turn out as He planned.
FFH has a song on their latest CD called "Holding On." The lyrics have really spoken to me and have helped me see how I just have to hold on to Him and He will provide all I need...and sometimes what I want, too. So hold on to Him and trust Him to work out all the details and to give you the desires of your heart.
"Holding On"
Lord, the wind and the rain are stronger today
Lord, the risk and the pain are scaring me away
But You call me just the same
You call me by name
Lord, I know I could stay but I would never know
Or have the power to stir the deep waters of my soul
So it's a chance I have to take
So willfully I go
Because I know
That when I'm weak
You are strong
Though this road might get long
You are near
And I'm right where I belong
In Your will
Holding on
Lord, you know what I need
And You will provide
Daily bread just for me
And I will survive
This desert of uncertainty
And You'll be my guide if I abide
Cause when I'm weak
You are strong
Though this road might get long
You are near
And I'm right where I belong
In Your will
Holding on
Lord, I'm steady and holding on to You
Lord, I'm steady and holding on to You
Lord, I'm steady and holding on to You
Lord, I'm steady and holding on to You
When I'm weak
You are strong
Though this road might get long
You are near
And I'm right where I belong
In Your will
Holding on
In Your will
Holding on
However, as I look back over the time since graduation, I realize that even though my life isn't what I thought it would be that it is what it is meant to be. Now, I don't always like the turns my life has taken or the lessons I've had to learn. But I know that each moment has been part of God's plan for me. Even the moments I don't understand.
I have a hard time with waiting. I'm not the most patient person. People think I am because I work with people with intellectual disabilities. And in that respect, maybe I am patient. But in my own personal life, I don't like to wait. God promised that if we delight in Him He would give us the desires of our heart. But I want those desires right now. Not later. I'm also a worrier...although I've gotten better about that in the last year. But put impatience and worry together and a lot of times you get a big mess.
I've been reading "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. It has been an amazing tool God has used to help me see who He is making me to be. They talk about becoming the woman God made me to be and seeing my beauty (which is VERY difficult for me because I don't look at myself as beautiful) and how we need to trust in God for what we need in our lives. But there is a part that has hit home really hard with me. And it is about taking risks, trusting and striving. I don't like to take risks. I don't trust easily. And I strive to try to make my life what I want it to be and worry about things that are out of my control...rather than letting things just happen.
But I'm learning. And I'm getting better at those things. I love to read from "The Message" Bible. The translation is in today's language and makes things so clear. There are a couple of verses that I read almost every day. They are in Ephesians 3. "God can do anything you know - far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us." Wow! That is a pretty cool thing...to know that God can blow our minds with what He can do and that He delights to do it. But there is another verse further up in that passage that is what I fail to remember a lot of times. It says "God handling all the details."
This is where I have a hard time. I love to think that God can give me more than I could ever dream...but I don't always leave Him alone to let Him work it out. I know God is in control. I know He'll do what's best. I know He'll give me more than I ever dreamed. But still, I strive and struggle and beg and plead and try to take control rather than leaving it with Him. No matter how many times He proves faithful and works things out better than I ever could, I still slip back into wanting to take control. But I'm learning. And I have found that a lot of times, if I'll just wait on Him, He gives me not only what I need but also sometimes what I want. I'm also afraid to take the risks that He asks me to take. Even though I know He is with me in the situation and will work it out for my good, I still fear to hope that the risk will pay off and that good things will happen. But again, I'm learning.
And that brings me back to how life has turned out completely different from what I thought it would. I never did get to do the music thing professionally. But I got to become a music therapist and still use music to touch lives and change them. Do I still wish I could sing and travel? There are days I do. But knowing that I'm doing what God put me here to do is much more fulfilling. And who knows? One day He may grant me that request. I still live at home and don't have my own house. But I've been able to develop a good relationship with my parents that not everyone has. I'm not married and I sure don't have those 10 kids I once wanted. But that's ok, too. I'm a different person than I was 10 years ago, and I'm glad I've been able to grow into who I am becoming. And hopefully one day the Lord will bless me with a wonderful man that I can grow old with and with children (although I'm good with 2 or 3 now).
Life has not turned out quite like I planned it. It never does. Maybe yours hasn't either. Maybe like me your career has taken a different path. Maybe you are single and wish for the day someone would love you. Maybe you're divorced and you don't know if you can trust anyone to love you again. Maybe you have health issues you never thought you'd face and life has completely changed. Maybe you've had your heart broken to the point you don't think you'll ever feel you can let anyone in again. Maybe you've lost a child, a parent, a friend way too soon. I could go on and on with a list of ways life has taken the breath out of you. Or maybe your life has turned out how you planned and everything is great. But trust me, at some point life will hit you hard and you will wonder what it's all about.
Jeremiah 29:11 is a favorite verse of mine. It says that the Lord knows the plans He has for us, plans for good and not for evil. Plans to give us a future and a hope. He knows the plans He has for us. They may not be the same plans we have for us. But I can guarantee you that when you get to the end of your road, you will be able to look back and see that His plans were best. I've also found that sometimes those things I thought wanted actually turned out to not be so great. There are days when I question Him a lot and wonder what in the world He's doing. There are days when I think He's left me out here to fight for myself. But He hasn't. And He knows what He's doing. And even though He's proven Himself faithful, I still have a hard time trusting Him to do what's best when things seem to fall apart. But He understands that, too.
So no matter where your life has taken you, no matter what circumstance you find yourself in, you can trust that God is there with you. Even when it's scary or hard or confusing, He knows what He's doing. Sometimes the hardest things we have to go through turn out to be blessings in disguise...preparing us for something greater and more wonderful. And if we will just rest in Him, trust Him and be willing to take the risks He asks us to take, life will turn out as He planned.
FFH has a song on their latest CD called "Holding On." The lyrics have really spoken to me and have helped me see how I just have to hold on to Him and He will provide all I need...and sometimes what I want, too. So hold on to Him and trust Him to work out all the details and to give you the desires of your heart.
"Holding On"
Lord, the wind and the rain are stronger today
Lord, the risk and the pain are scaring me away
But You call me just the same
You call me by name
Lord, I know I could stay but I would never know
Or have the power to stir the deep waters of my soul
So it's a chance I have to take
So willfully I go
Because I know
That when I'm weak
You are strong
Though this road might get long
You are near
And I'm right where I belong
In Your will
Holding on
Lord, you know what I need
And You will provide
Daily bread just for me
And I will survive
This desert of uncertainty
And You'll be my guide if I abide
Cause when I'm weak
You are strong
Though this road might get long
You are near
And I'm right where I belong
In Your will
Holding on
Lord, I'm steady and holding on to You
Lord, I'm steady and holding on to You
Lord, I'm steady and holding on to You
Lord, I'm steady and holding on to You
When I'm weak
You are strong
Though this road might get long
You are near
And I'm right where I belong
In Your will
Holding on
In Your will
Holding on
Friday, February 29, 2008
Resting, Resting
Resting. In today's world that is a somewhat unknown concept. Merriam Webster dictionary says that to rest is "to cease from action or motion, to be free from anxiety or disturbance; to sit or lie fixed or supported; to remain confident." It also says rest is "freedom from activity or labor; a peace of mind or spirit; a rhythmic silence in music."
It's amazing the pround truths we find when we actually look at what a word means.
I recently got FFH's latest CD called Worship in the Waiting. It is an amazing collection of songs about worship and waiting on the Lord. In the middle of the CD is this wonderful jewel...a new arrangement of an old hymn called "Jesus I Am Resting, Resting." As I first listened to the song, I thought it was a beautiful arrangement and thought it was interesting.
However, life, as it usually does, hits and things knock us off our feet. We then jump to action to try to "fix" things, try to make things better. But what if, just once, instead of trying to deal with the blows life gives we rested in Jesus? What if instead of worrying about how we are going to make it to the next paycheck we rested in Him and trusted Him to provide as He promised He would? What if instead of being anxious over things we cannot control we trusted Him to be our safety and protection as He promised He would? What if instead of trying to work things out that we think are best and in a way we think is best we trusted Him to take care of every detail and give us the desires of our heart as He promised He would? And as life hit, this song became more than just a pretty arrangment. It became a catalyst to draw me closer to the Father. And it showed me something I needed to see.
What if we simply rested in Him?
Which takes me back to the definition of the word rest.
"To cease from action or motion." How many times have you wanted something to work out a certain way - anything from trying to get a certain guy or girl's attention to getting that promotion to buying a house - and you did everything in your power you could to get it? (and usually ended up right back where you started before you started "meddling") Or how many times have you had something bad happen and you tried to fix it in your own way? Next time, try resting in Him. Cease from action or motion and let Him act and move as He knows best and watch the miracles He'll do.
"To be free from anxiety or disturbance." Now this is one that hits home for me. I worry about things that are just stupid to worry about. I'm anxious about things I have no control over. I know a lot of us are like this. We say we are trusting Him but then something happens and we start to doubt that faith. We need to rest in Him. He didn't promise life would be easy, but He did promise He would never leave us and promised that no one can steal us from His hand. With God in control, we can live free from anxiety. If we will only trust.
"To sit or lie fixed or supported." How many times do we try to do things on our own and only when they fail seek His help? To rest in Him means to live knowing He is supporting us in our every endeavor and need. If we fix our eyes on Him and keep our focus where it should be rather than on what we think can or can't be done, we would live resting in Him.
"To remain confident." Hmmm... Confidence is not one of my strong points. I am always doubting myself, my talents, my abilities, my looks. You name it, I probably have an issue with being confident about it. However, to rest is to remain confident. And here's the thing. If I rest in Him, I can be confident in Him. And even when my confidence wavers, I know He will be my confidence. And I know that as my Creator, He equipped me with everything I need to be who He made me to be and to accomplish the purpose He placed me on this earth for.
"Freedom from activity or labor." In today's society people who take time to rest are viewed sometimes as lazy or as carefree. But God told us we needed to rest. Really rest. Even when we are home from work, a lot of us still work. We can be too busy. We run here and there and fill our lives with things that we think are important. We think that if we take a break the world will stop turning and everything around us will fall apart. And I know not everyone will agree with this next statement, but sometimes even church and doing things that we think are spiritual can get in the way of resting in Him - especially when those things get in the way of our worship or take the place of our worship of Him. Sometimes God calls us to cease from everything but resting in Him. If you find that life is keeping you from Him, you may need to evaluate your priorities. It's a trap we all fall into. But our spirits need refreshing. God did not create us to go 24/7 and never rest. He created us to be relational...and most of all of have a relationship with Him. Resting in Him is a very important part of that. It is how we refresh our spirits. Which leads to the next point.
"A peace of mind or spirit." Be honest. How many of us actually have a peace of mind or spirit. II Timothy 1:7 tells us the God didn't give us a spirit of fear but one of power, love and a sound mind. I don't know about you, but I don't often live that kind of life. Love...ok, that comes pretty easily for me for the most part - most days. Power and a sound mind are another story. But if we will rest in Him, He will give us that power to do what He has called us to do and a sound mind and will surround us with His love.
"A rhythmic silence in music." Now you may wonder why I included this part of the definition. What does this have to do with resting in Jesus. Well, I'm a musical person. I have a passion for music and it's effects on people...I mean that's why I'm a music therapist. But have you every listened to a beautiful song and there will be a pause at just the right moment. Sometimes it's a dramatic pause and then the music swells back in and blows you away. Sometimes it's a soft, simple pause and the music will softly come back in and bring a tear to your eye. Either way it makes the music after the pause that much sweeter. That is an analogy for life. I view life as a big symphony written by the Master Musician. It is full of crescendos and flowing phrases, harsh chords and beautiful melodies. And rests. Life is tough. It's not something you just take the scenic route through. Like a musical composition, life takes work. A composer doesn't just sit down and pop out a song in 5 minutes. (ok...well some do, and I'm jealous of those people...but most work on compositions for awhile) They tweak it to make it perfect. They play through a line and change a note or chord. They may change a lyric. And in order for a piece of music to be complete, there usually has to be a rest somewhere. If not, the chords would run together and lyrics would turn into jumble. God writes our life out like a beautiful composition. And at times, there are times of rest. We have to take time to rest in Him so the symphony of our life can be complete. He works on us. Changes us. Disciplines us. Loves us. And calls us to rest. And just like in music, the moment right after the rest is sweet. And we can go on with power and love and continue in the work He has given us to do.
Resting. Something we all need. If you go for days without sleep, at some point your body is going to shut down. If we go without spiritual rest, at some point our spirit will shut down. Jesus calls us to rest in Him. What greater invitation can you receive? None. For nowhere but in the sweet presence of our Lord can we find all we need and all we desire. Nowhere else can we find the unconditional love and acceptance we crave. Nowhere else can we find the peace and joy our hearts long for.
I hope you will take time to learn to rest in your Father. And come to know the sweetness of His love and provision.
"Jesus I Am Resting, Resting"
(Jean S. Pigott, James Mountain)
Jesus I am resting, resting
In the joy of what Thou art
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart
Thou hast bid me gaze upon Thee
As Thy beauty fills my soul
For, by Thy transforming power
Thou hast made me whole
Jesus I am resting, resting
In the joy of what Thou art
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart
Simply trusting Thee, Lord Jesus
I behold Thee as Thou art
And Thy love, so pure, so changeless
Satisfies my heart
Satisfies its deepest longings
Meets, supplies its every need
You encompass me with blessings
Thine is love indeed
Jesus I am resting, resting
In the joy of what Thou art
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart
Ever lift Thy face upon me
As I work and wait for Thee
Resting 'neath Thy smile, Lord Jesus
Earth's dark shadows flee
Brightness of my Father's glory
Sunshine of my Father's face
Keep me ever trusting, resting
Fill me with Thy grace
Jesus I am resting, resting
In the joy of what Thou art
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart
It's amazing the pround truths we find when we actually look at what a word means.
I recently got FFH's latest CD called Worship in the Waiting. It is an amazing collection of songs about worship and waiting on the Lord. In the middle of the CD is this wonderful jewel...a new arrangement of an old hymn called "Jesus I Am Resting, Resting." As I first listened to the song, I thought it was a beautiful arrangement and thought it was interesting.
However, life, as it usually does, hits and things knock us off our feet. We then jump to action to try to "fix" things, try to make things better. But what if, just once, instead of trying to deal with the blows life gives we rested in Jesus? What if instead of worrying about how we are going to make it to the next paycheck we rested in Him and trusted Him to provide as He promised He would? What if instead of being anxious over things we cannot control we trusted Him to be our safety and protection as He promised He would? What if instead of trying to work things out that we think are best and in a way we think is best we trusted Him to take care of every detail and give us the desires of our heart as He promised He would? And as life hit, this song became more than just a pretty arrangment. It became a catalyst to draw me closer to the Father. And it showed me something I needed to see.
What if we simply rested in Him?
Which takes me back to the definition of the word rest.
"To cease from action or motion." How many times have you wanted something to work out a certain way - anything from trying to get a certain guy or girl's attention to getting that promotion to buying a house - and you did everything in your power you could to get it? (and usually ended up right back where you started before you started "meddling") Or how many times have you had something bad happen and you tried to fix it in your own way? Next time, try resting in Him. Cease from action or motion and let Him act and move as He knows best and watch the miracles He'll do.
"To be free from anxiety or disturbance." Now this is one that hits home for me. I worry about things that are just stupid to worry about. I'm anxious about things I have no control over. I know a lot of us are like this. We say we are trusting Him but then something happens and we start to doubt that faith. We need to rest in Him. He didn't promise life would be easy, but He did promise He would never leave us and promised that no one can steal us from His hand. With God in control, we can live free from anxiety. If we will only trust.
"To sit or lie fixed or supported." How many times do we try to do things on our own and only when they fail seek His help? To rest in Him means to live knowing He is supporting us in our every endeavor and need. If we fix our eyes on Him and keep our focus where it should be rather than on what we think can or can't be done, we would live resting in Him.
"To remain confident." Hmmm... Confidence is not one of my strong points. I am always doubting myself, my talents, my abilities, my looks. You name it, I probably have an issue with being confident about it. However, to rest is to remain confident. And here's the thing. If I rest in Him, I can be confident in Him. And even when my confidence wavers, I know He will be my confidence. And I know that as my Creator, He equipped me with everything I need to be who He made me to be and to accomplish the purpose He placed me on this earth for.
"Freedom from activity or labor." In today's society people who take time to rest are viewed sometimes as lazy or as carefree. But God told us we needed to rest. Really rest. Even when we are home from work, a lot of us still work. We can be too busy. We run here and there and fill our lives with things that we think are important. We think that if we take a break the world will stop turning and everything around us will fall apart. And I know not everyone will agree with this next statement, but sometimes even church and doing things that we think are spiritual can get in the way of resting in Him - especially when those things get in the way of our worship or take the place of our worship of Him. Sometimes God calls us to cease from everything but resting in Him. If you find that life is keeping you from Him, you may need to evaluate your priorities. It's a trap we all fall into. But our spirits need refreshing. God did not create us to go 24/7 and never rest. He created us to be relational...and most of all of have a relationship with Him. Resting in Him is a very important part of that. It is how we refresh our spirits. Which leads to the next point.
"A peace of mind or spirit." Be honest. How many of us actually have a peace of mind or spirit. II Timothy 1:7 tells us the God didn't give us a spirit of fear but one of power, love and a sound mind. I don't know about you, but I don't often live that kind of life. Love...ok, that comes pretty easily for me for the most part - most days. Power and a sound mind are another story. But if we will rest in Him, He will give us that power to do what He has called us to do and a sound mind and will surround us with His love.
"A rhythmic silence in music." Now you may wonder why I included this part of the definition. What does this have to do with resting in Jesus. Well, I'm a musical person. I have a passion for music and it's effects on people...I mean that's why I'm a music therapist. But have you every listened to a beautiful song and there will be a pause at just the right moment. Sometimes it's a dramatic pause and then the music swells back in and blows you away. Sometimes it's a soft, simple pause and the music will softly come back in and bring a tear to your eye. Either way it makes the music after the pause that much sweeter. That is an analogy for life. I view life as a big symphony written by the Master Musician. It is full of crescendos and flowing phrases, harsh chords and beautiful melodies. And rests. Life is tough. It's not something you just take the scenic route through. Like a musical composition, life takes work. A composer doesn't just sit down and pop out a song in 5 minutes. (ok...well some do, and I'm jealous of those people...but most work on compositions for awhile) They tweak it to make it perfect. They play through a line and change a note or chord. They may change a lyric. And in order for a piece of music to be complete, there usually has to be a rest somewhere. If not, the chords would run together and lyrics would turn into jumble. God writes our life out like a beautiful composition. And at times, there are times of rest. We have to take time to rest in Him so the symphony of our life can be complete. He works on us. Changes us. Disciplines us. Loves us. And calls us to rest. And just like in music, the moment right after the rest is sweet. And we can go on with power and love and continue in the work He has given us to do.
Resting. Something we all need. If you go for days without sleep, at some point your body is going to shut down. If we go without spiritual rest, at some point our spirit will shut down. Jesus calls us to rest in Him. What greater invitation can you receive? None. For nowhere but in the sweet presence of our Lord can we find all we need and all we desire. Nowhere else can we find the unconditional love and acceptance we crave. Nowhere else can we find the peace and joy our hearts long for.
I hope you will take time to learn to rest in your Father. And come to know the sweetness of His love and provision.
"Jesus I Am Resting, Resting"
(Jean S. Pigott, James Mountain)
Jesus I am resting, resting
In the joy of what Thou art
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart
Thou hast bid me gaze upon Thee
As Thy beauty fills my soul
For, by Thy transforming power
Thou hast made me whole
Jesus I am resting, resting
In the joy of what Thou art
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart
Simply trusting Thee, Lord Jesus
I behold Thee as Thou art
And Thy love, so pure, so changeless
Satisfies my heart
Satisfies its deepest longings
Meets, supplies its every need
You encompass me with blessings
Thine is love indeed
Jesus I am resting, resting
In the joy of what Thou art
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart
Ever lift Thy face upon me
As I work and wait for Thee
Resting 'neath Thy smile, Lord Jesus
Earth's dark shadows flee
Brightness of my Father's glory
Sunshine of my Father's face
Keep me ever trusting, resting
Fill me with Thy grace
Jesus I am resting, resting
In the joy of what Thou art
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)