Friday, December 31, 2010

If You Want Me To

I'm taking some time today to clear out some clutter. I hate cleaning. But I know I have to do it. I don't mind cleaning house or washing clothes...I mean, I don't love it, but I can handle it. But going through clutter and stuff that I just haven't thrown away (thanks to those pack rat genes I have inherited)....I have to really be in the mood to clean!

Today as I've cleaned, I found lots of cards and notes from friends and family. And many were from my mom and dad. I found a letter they sent me for my birthday in 2005. As I read the note, written in my mother's handwriting, it was just as relevant today as it was then. And it was like a little gift from Heaven reminding me of the reason we are here.

We are not here for ourselves. We are here because God has a plan and a purpose for each of our lives. It may seem very dark at times and seem like we are wandering through a desert. But we are never alone.

As I was cleaning, I had my iTunes up and running. Boy, do I have a very eclectic mix in music. :) Everything played from Lady Gaga to Christian Kane to Allison Kraus to Martina McBride to Jason Derulo. Then at just the right time, as I was finishing up the last stack of papers, this song came on. See I don't believe in coincidence. Was it coincidence that I found that letter today? Nope...I cleaned some yesterday and could have found it then. Was it coincidence that this song came on right when it did? Nope...I had it on shuffle so it could have come on anytime. A gentle reminder from a loving Father that He sees to each and every matter how small or seemingly insignificant. And He IS at work in every detail of our life. Bad ones. Good ones. And those moments in between. He uses everything to work it our for our good. So back to the song...

My friend, Rachel, introduced me to this song a couple of years ago. As I listened to her sing it the first time, tears streamed down my face. Today as I listened, tears were streaming again. You see, even though I feel so alone at times and though it seems I'm facing life on my own, my heart knows that is not true. I have a Savior who is with me in every moment...through the laughter, the tears, the joy and the pain. And He knows best.

This upcoming year is one of big changes for my life. I'm scared to death and not sure how it is all going to work out. Between financial worries and housing worries and business worries and just plain worry worries, I've been freaking out a little. The plans include moving to another city, starting grad school and starting my own private practice. And while I know I'll have to work hard, I am learning to trust God for the impossible. And believe me, there are a lot of impossibilities involved. But I'm learning... Learning to trust in a way I never have before. Learning to follow even in the darkness and fire and valleys. Learning that I have grown so much as a person and am striving to be better. Learning that God does have a plan for me and He will see it fulfilled. Even when I doubt. Even when I question.

So as this year ends and a new one begins, my prayer for my life and for yours is that you will trust God as you never have before... That you will go down the path He leads regardless the cost, regardless the fear, regardless the unknown and uncertainty. Because as this last verse of this song says so eloquently: "When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing. I'm gonna shout. I'm gonna look into Your eyes and see You've NEVER let me down. So lead me on the pathway that brings me home to You. And I will walk through the valley if You want me to."

Happy New Year 2011!


Adrianne said...

I think this was your best one yet! I have faith in you and know you will succeed at whatever you do. So stop worrying (family trait I know)....God is going to provide everything you need and more. I wish you the best of luck for 2011! Love ya

Anonymous said...

awesome blog, do you have twitter or facebook? i will bookmark this page thanks. jasmin holzbauer