Sunday, March 31, 2013

I Will Not Be Moved

Wow!  It has been almost a year since my last post.  And I have missed it.  Not that I haven't had a lot to write about.  I have.  But I guess work and school and life have kept me pretty busy.  

The past year has been a roller coaster.  (Of course when have I not had a roller coaster year.)  I've had some really high highs and some really low lows.  As I read back over a few of my previous posts, I keep seeing the same pattern and same struggles.  You would think I would have learned those lessons by now.  And I will say that I have gotten better at some of those things.  But I've learned that the thorns in my flesh, as Paul wrote about, are my anxiety and worry and insecurity.  Am I really enough?  It's a question that runs through my head at least once a week, if not more. 

I've shared many times before the true desires of my heart...marriage and family and children being at the very top.  I've also got other desires like opening a private practice and doing something with theatre and drama in some type of charity work for kids.  And then there are the everyday desires like being a good friend, a good daughter, a good employee.  And while I know I am very blessed, I still wonder why God allows some things into our lives.  Things that are hurtful or confusing or painful.  

Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope."  Romans 8:28 says that all things work together for our good.  And I believe this to be true.  I trust my God to provide all that I need.  I trust that He is working things out for my good.  But there are days that I have my doubts.  

There are days when I question Him.  A lot.  Why does He allow heartache?  Why does He allow sickness?  Why does He allow loss?  Why does He allow all these things that bring us pain?  I know we live in a broken world.  I know that sin is all around.  I know that things will never be right this side of heaven.  But I still wonder why He allows things that start out as good and wonderful to turn into things that are sad and hurtful.  My human reasoning thinks that if He knows a situation is going to turn out badly, He should just not allow it to happen in the first place.  If He knows our heart has been broken beyond repair many times before, He shouldn't allow someone else to break it again.  If He knows that someone has had more than their share of hurt and loss, He should give them a break and bless them with some good things.  If He knows that someone has already lost one parent at a young age, He shouldn't take the other parent too early.  And the list goes on...

But God is God.  And His ways and His thoughts are higher than mine.  He doesn't call me to understand.  He calls me to trust.  He doesn't call me to try to reason things with my human mind.  He calls me to trust even when things don't make sense.  I don't understand.  And there have been times I've let Him know that.  There are times that I've gotten mad at Him.  And yes, I do tell Him.  But He understands.  And He loves me still and gently holds me without condemnation or judgement until the tears stop and the anger and fear subside.  Because that's what Fathers do.

Matthew 7:11 says, "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"  I have been blessed with an amazing earthly father.  I know it is a blessing because I have friends who have had some pretty rotten dads.  And when I read this verse, I realize that as amazing and supportive and giving as my own dad is, God is so much more.  And if I believe that, then I have to believe Jeremiah 29:11 and Romans 8:28.  I have to believe that He does have a plan, that He is working all things for my good and the He WILL give me the desires of my heart.  My anxiety and doubt and questions come when those things don't come in my time.  But to trust Him means to trust His timing.  God is never late.  Ever.

I don't know why I'm approaching 40 and marriage and children still haven't come into my life.  Especially when I have friends younger than me who are getting to experience both.  I don't know why my mom passed away before I could experience those things with her here.  I don't know why I often feel that I am not enough.  I have had some moments of tears and crying out to God to ask why.  And I have yet to receive an answer to that.  (Of course, if He did answer me I'd probably die from heart failure on the spot!)  But I come back to the fact that I have to trust.  My faith is not based on what God does for me on a daily basis or on what wishes He can grant.  My faith is based on a love that went all the way to the cross to die for me.  A love that conquered death and hell and rose again so that I might live forever.  

Will I ever get those desires of my heart?  I truly hope so.  And I hope it happens soon.  But my focus has to be on Him rather than on those desires.  And I'm afraid that my focus sometimes wavers.  More often than not, my focus lies on that which I don't have, that which I want so badly.  But I'm working on that.  It's a daily struggle.  Wait, make that an hourly struggle.  

I don't understand life.  I don't understand why things can be so, so good and in one moment turn so, so bad.  I don't understand why things happen as they do.  But I do trust the One who understands and who is working it all out for my good.  

The past couple of weeks there have been a couple of songs that have truly spoken to my heart.  "Broken Praise" from The's a song based on the life of Job, and it has really been pertinent to my state of mind these past couple of weeks.  Another one is "I Will Not Be Moved" by Natalie Grant.  It talks about how life has been hard and bitterness has reared its ugly head.  But no matter what happens I stand on Christ and will not be moved. 

My prayer (for you and myself) is that whatever life is throwing at you right now you will seek refuge and shelter in the Father's arms and that you will learn to trust and not be matter what.  That whatever struggle or doubt you face you will know you are deeply loved by the One who gave it all to save you.

Broken Praise

I Will Not Be Moved