Here Again...Where You Begin

Here again.  Here.  Why do I always come back to this place?  Time and time again.  To this place where I feel like I can't stand on my own.  The the place where it feels like the last thread in the rope is about to fray.  Back to the end.

I try.  Really, I do.  I do everything I can to keep from coming back to this place.  I pray.  I read my Bible.  I listen to uplifting songs.  I spend time alone.  I spend time with God.  I can feel when it's coming on.  And I've gotten a lot better at doing that.  And I'm getting even better at doing all the things I can to head it off.  Yet, I still end up here.  In this place of frustration and doubt and questioning and exhaustion.  A place where I question if God is really listening to my prayers?  A place to where I wonder if He has forgotten His promises to me.  

It may sound odd that I'm back to this place.  Especially right now.  On the outside, things look fantastic!  I've started a private practice with a friend.  I get to do a job I love every day.  I have been blessed with some wonderful people in my life.  God has provided all I've needed...even when I don't see how the money will last or how something is going to work out.  And I'm happy for the first time in a really long time.  Well, let me say I'm joyful.  Happy?  Depends on the day.  

Today has been a tough day.  And the rest of the week is looking a little cloudy.   See, I'm good at stuffing.  I stuff my feelings.  I stuff hurt.  I stuff anger.  I stuff.  I'm getting better, but I still have a long way to go.  I'm also a doer.  A "yes man," of sorts.  It's hard for me to say no.  Again, something I'm working on but haven't quite mastered.  When you combine those things, you find your way back to "here."  Exhausted.  Weary. Wondering if you are really capable and competent to do what you feel God is calling you to do.  Wondering if it will all be worth it.  And since I stuff and don't deal with things as they are happening, I can be prone to experiencing what we will call "the busting of the dam."  See, you can only stuff so long before it has to come out.  And mine usually comes out in one of two ways:  I get really upset over something that isn't such a big deal (getting way better at not doing this) or I fall into a puddle of tears on my couch (haven't quite mastered not doing this one yet).  Tonight was the puddle.  

My frustration comes when I realize that I cannot break this cycle.  I've tried.  Believe me, I have.  Like I said before, I pray and read my Bible and do what I can to prevent it from happening.  But let's face it...I'm human.  We all are.  And being human means that sometimes life just gets the best of us.  Even when things are going seemingly well.  And somehow I find comfort in knowing that I don't carry this struggle alone.

Earlier this week, a college friend of mine posted a blog about how sometimes life just falls apart.  (http://joyousrefrain.tumblr.com/post/60825479814/when-it-all-falls-apart)  Her family has been through some very trying times this year.  And all of this after stepping out in complete faith because of a call they feel God has placed on their lives.  She talked about hanging on by a thread but trusting God to weave something beautiful out of it.  And that is where the miracle occurs.

But, it's when we take those steps of faith, trusting God for what we cannot see or explain, that the enemy launches a full scale attack on our hearts and minds.  We finally muster the courage to push away from the shore only to be met with a storm of tsunami like proportions.  And wonder what in the world is going on.  If God rewards the faithful, why does He allow the storms to come?  If we are following the path He has led us to, why do we feel so alone or abandoned?  I can't answer those questions.  I don't know why God mixes the joys of life with the thorns.  I don't know why, when He calls us out in faith and we follow, sometimes it feels almost like a punishment.  

Some things we just aren't meant to understand.  And for someone like me who likes to know what is going on and likes to be in control of things, that is like asking the a dog to quack like a duck.  I want to  know.  I want to know when.  I want to know why.  I want to know how.  And I want God to tell me right now!  But I'm not God.  And for reasons only He can know, He chooses not to reveal to us all things.  So we get frustrated.  We get tired.  We try to do and do and do in our strength.  And we melt in a puddle of tears on the couch all alone.  

But I have found it is in those moments.  Moments when we have reached the end of ourself.  Moments when we cry out telling God we can't do it anymore.  Moments where we tell Him we just need to know right now.  It is in those moments. when we get to the end of our ropes, when we are hanging by that last fray of a thread...  That is where He begins.  

I can't explain it.  It makes no sense to this human mind.  But when I reach that point, where all I can do is cry out and lay it all before Him, that I see Him all the more clearly.  It's almost like he uses the tears to clear out the dust from our eyes so that we can see Him.  So that we can turn our focus completely to Him.  And that's the point, I guess.

I, like my friend, still don't understand.  I still have questions.  I still want answers yesterday.  There are things that I think I know that I find I have no idea about.  Then there are other things which seemed so cloudy before that I can see clearly now.  And I have to trust that God is faithful.  That He will never leave or forsake me.  That He does remember His promises to me.  That He does see me in my darkest moments.  I have to trust He is working all things out for my good.  Even when I can't see it.  I'm not meant to see it all right now.

So, even though on the outside things look smooth, on the inside I'm a jumbled mess.  I'm a frazzled, tired, anxious person who doesn't have a clue what I'm doing most days.  But God knows.  He knows that sometimes we have to come to the end of ourselves before He can begin a great work.  So He allows things and people and situations that may be trying or unpleasant or frustrating or just downright confusing in order to shift our focus.  Look at Job.  As much turmoil as he faced, he was still able to say, "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him."  (Job 13:15)  

So here I am.  Again.  I don't know the purpose of all of this.  Only God knows that.  I don't know why I can't seem to learn this lesson.  But maybe that is the point.  Maybe God continues to allow these moments so that I don't ever reach a point where I feel I can do it on my own.  Where I feel I don't need Him.  May I never reach a place where I don't recognize my need for Him.  And so, like my friend wrote in her blog, I'll keep holding onto this thread and trusting Him for what's to come.  I'll reach my end and get out of the way so He can begin.  

Mandisa came out with a new album next week, and it is awesome!  Today, this song has been especially meaningful...and where I got the title for my post today.  I hope God will use it bless you as He has me.

Do I Trust Him Even If...

"Knock with caution at the door.  They said, 'Beware of what you're praying for."  So I'll stand with my whole desire in the middle of this forest fire till I've nothing left to show, and new life begins to grow." - Burnin', Nichole Nordeman

"Not for the sake of a creed or a cause.  Not for a dream or a promise.  Simply because It is Jesus who calls, and if we believe, we'll obey." - For the Sake of the Call, Steven Curtis Chapman

Over the past few months, God has done some really amazing things in my life.  I've shared all of the wonderful opportunities and blessings on previous blogs.  But sometimes I get distracted by the blessings (and yes, that is possible) and lose my focus on the One who gave me those blessings.  And it is in those times that I begin to live with fear and doubt and questions.  

Throughout my life, I have seen the hand of God.  I have seen through both good and bad times that He has been there.  I've prayed many times for Him to increase my faith or give me patience or make me more like who He created me to be.  However, when He begins to do those things, I fight it.  I don't do this intentionally.  But when things start to get difficult, I get scared.  I wonder if I'm on the right path.  I wonder if this is really what God has led me to do.  I wonder if I've mis-read the signs and have just read into things.  But God didn't call us to a life of ease and comfort.  And sometimes questioning and struggle are part of the process.

A lot of people think that once you become a Christian or you dedicate yourself more fully to following God's plan for your life that things will just automatically fall into place and be easy.  But that's not the case.  If anything, making those decisions often means life becomes more difficult and struggles become more real.  When we choose to follow God, the enemy gets angry and tries everything he can to derail us.  For me, he always attacks my mind and my thoughts.  I've said it before in previous blogs...my mind runs ninety to nothing 24/7.  And when I get overly exhausted or have too much going on that takes my focus off of God, I'm a prime target for those attacks.  I read into things way to much.  I over-analyze situations.  I doubt and question every decision I've made.  My imagination goes into over-drive.  It's something I've always struggled with, but I am slowly winning the battle.  

See, God didn't call us to a life in Him for our comfort.  He calls us to a life in Him so that we can serve Him by serving others, become holy and bring Him glory.  This is never an easy task.  And the process often brings pain and struggle and tears.  We are being refined like gold in a fire...and it hurts.  A lot.  Nichole Nordeman has a song called Burnin'.  I have grown to love this song over the past month.  It talks about how, when we truly seek to know Him more, seek to live according to His plans for our life and seek to deepen our faith, it causes a "burning" in our souls.  Jeremiah said, "Then I said, “I will not make mention of Him, Nor speak anymore in His name.” But His word was in my heart like a burning fire, Shut up in my bones; I was weary of holding it back, And I could not" (Jeremiah 20:9).  I myself have had those moments, especially here lately, where I have been overwhelmed to the point of tears.  I've had many quiet moments alone where I can so clearly feel God's presence near me.  I actually do have a "burning" in my soul.  However, this burning is meant to rid us of ourselves in order to make us new, into the person God is calling us to be.  It's a difficult process...like that gold that has been refined in the fire.  And the closer we become to God, the more the enemy launches those attacks.  So at a time when I should be full of excitement, I have had moments where I'm not.  It's hard to admit that...especially when, on the outside looking in, everything seems to be "falling into place."  And I'm not saying that things aren't.  But I know that in the middle of all the good I've had some really dark moments that weren't so good.  But God has been there in each of those moments and reminds me that this journey is all about Him and not about my comfort.

See, even when things are going well, there are still issues to be resolved.  Issues of the heart.  Issues with finances.  Issues with my relationships...with God and with other people.  Issues with trust.  Issues with worry over the future.  Issues I've dealt with at some point off and on my whole life.  Issues we all deal with at some point.  But it's when those issues arise that we have a choice to make.  We can either wallow in the doubt, self-pity, shame, guilt, worry, whatever emotion is there.  Or we can bring the issue to God, lay ourself bare before Him and trust Him to do what is best.  It doesn't mean the fear or doubt or whatever goes away immediately.  At least not in my own life.  But I have found that in spite of whatever the issue is, I have a peace.  A peace to know that God will never leave me or forsake me.  A peace to know that no matter what the outcome is, He is there.  No matter what difficulty arises, He will provide.  I'm going to have days where I doubt.  I'm going to have days where I wonder how I'm going to pay a bill.  I'll have days where I wonder if I'm crazy for taking so big a risk.  I'll have days where I wonder if I should just give up.  But when I have one of those days, I'll bring it to the One who already has the answer and whose plans far exceed mine.  

We have to reach a point in our life where we realize that we are trusting in God for no other reason than He has called us.  Steven Curtis Chapman's song For the Sake of the Call says it best:  "Not for the sake of a creed or a cause.  Not for a dream or a promise.  Simply because It is Jesus who calls, and if we believe, we'll obey."  That's a hard place to get to sometimes.  At least for me.  I have dreams I am trusting Him for.  I claim promises that He gives.  I am the first to jump up and fight for a cause I believe in.  However, if I never get those dreams, if He chooses to delay fulfilling a promise, if the cause becomes worthless...will I still trust Him?  

It's a tough question.  It's easy to follow God when everything is going our way.  When the money is there, when relationships run smoothly, when the job promotion comes, when life is carefree.  But what happens when devastation hits?  A parent dies.  You lose a job.  The money appears to be running out with no relief in sight.  A relationship fails. I've faced each and every one of those situations at some point in my life.  And honestly, I can't always say I've chosen to still trust Him.  I have yelled and argued with HIm (it's ok...He can handle it).  I have doubted Him.  I have questioned Him.  I have begged and pleaded with Him.  Eventually, I always come back around and do trust Him.  But that's not enough.  My goal is to reach a point where I bypass all that middle stuff...the doubt, the questions, the arguing, the begging and pleading...and simply trust.  It's not like He hasn't proven Himself time and time again.  But it's a struggle...and one the enemy gloats over when I give in to it.  But my God is bigger than that.  And bigger than anything that comes my way.

So as I go through this week, my prayer is that I will trust God more fully.  That I will see the difficulty as my "testing by fire" and know that I will come out refined, stronger, better and more like the person He created me to be.  That I will choose to ignore the emotions and the attacks on my mind and choose to trust His promises.  That even if He delays in fulfilling His promises or holds off on granting the desires of my heart I will still trust Him.  That I will trust Him "simply because it is Jesus who calls" and not because of what He can do for me or give me.  That I will trust Him even in the quiet times, the dark times, the weary times.  And that He will stir the fire in my soul...even though it may bring momentary pain...because I know "our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory" (2 Corinthians 4:17).  I have found that when I focus on Him rather than on the blessings He bestows, I do trust Him even if...


Burnin' by Nichole Nordeman (not my favorite video but the song is what is important)


For the Sake of the Call by Steven Curtis Chapman

Timing Is Everything

For those of you who read my posts on Facebook lately, I apologize for all the (obnoxious) updating about my life I've been doing lately.  I know that I can go a little overboard when I get excited.  However, when God works in the ways He has been working, I can't help but get excited.  I have been so completely overwhelmed and humbled by every single moment of the past couple of months.  Things have happened that have been beyond my wildest dreams, but right in line with His.  And one thing I've learned is that timing is everything.  And His timing is perfect!

Nicole and I have had two meetings in the past week.  Meetings we were prepared for, but, as newbies to this private practice and business ownership thing, not completely sure of some things.  I will say that through this whole process neither of us has really been nervous or worried.  We've just had a peace and calm...knowing that this is what we are meant to do.  So last Friday we had a meeting with an amazing music school that truly "gets" what we do and would love to partner with us to offer Kindermusik classes.  They had a teacher that had been doing a first steps music program for the past year.  However, she has taken a full time job elsewhere and is leaving...which leaves a need for music classes for young children at the school.  Enter Nicole and I.  We went and did a cold call drop in a few weeks ago to introduce ourselves and explain what we were doing.  Long story short, we ended up scheduling a meeting with the owners.  The meeting went very well...beyond our expectations.  The owners are amazing people who not only love music and love teaching kids but also have a heart for kids with disabilities and understand their need to have opportunities to actively engage in music.  All involved believe that our partnership will be a good fit and will provide more music opportunities to more children in the area and fulfill a need for services.  So that was last Friday, and we are working on getting the details worked out.  We left that meeting on cloud 9 and feeling like we had been given a huge gift.

So this past Tuesday we had another meeting.  This one with a center that provides therapy for children with Autism and related developmental disabilities and their families.  We went into the meeting not sure what to expect but assuming we would have to do some educating on what music therapy is and how we can benefit their clients.  However, we were wrong.  When we got there, we noticed that several people started coming in...people we recognized from their website and being members of the Board of Directors.  So here we are, expecting to just meet with the director and have a little meeting...and we end up in a full blown meeting with board members!  Talk about overwhelmed!  The meeting was amazing!  Again, more people who get what music therapy is all about and are excited about what we can provide.  We went in the meeting expecting to make some contacts and set up another formal meeting once they had time to discuss it.  We came out with an offer for partnering with the clinic, a request to meet with their builder to discuss where we want our office and treatment rooms and an invitation to dinner tonight to meet with the full board and all the "important" people involved in the center!  This was HUGE!  It was all Nicole and I could do to get to the car in a dignified manner before breaking into a happy dance!  

And before either of these meetings, God has opened doors that have provided us studio space in Gulfport for music therapy services and Kindermusik classes and that have brought some wonderful, supportive people in our lives to help guide us through this process.  This stuff doesn't just happen!  Ever...  And there is nothing that I have done that made any of this happen...other than following God's leading to make a phone call or send an email.  But I have found that when I am obedient to do even those simple things, He will open the floodgates.

Nicole and I were talking on the ride back Tuesday about how timing is everything.  Had any one moment of the past six months been different in our lives, none of this would have happened!  Moments that were difficult.  Moments that brought tough decisions.  Moments that brought joy.  Moments that brought tears.  Each moment was a part of the bigger picture.  Every single moment...from people that I've met to decisions about when to quit a job to those phone calls and emails.  I truly believe God had a hand in each and every moment.

I often question God's timing.  I'm not a patient person by nature.  I've had people tell me I am...that I'm patient because I'll wait for things to work out in certain situations or because of the work that I do or whatever.  But I know me, and I am the farthest thing from patient...at least in my own mind.  I want what I want now.  I want my prayers to be answered immediately.  And if God doesn't answer them immediately, I want to know why and what is going to happen when.  But God doesn't work that way.  He takes His time, molding our lives in a way that brings Him glory.  And He has definitely taken His time in my life.  It used to frustrate me and depress me...why does He make me wait for things He knows I want so deeply?  Why won't He hurry up and give me the deepest desires of my heart?  Desires that I know have been placed there by Him.  But I forget...His promises are true, He is faithful and He can see what I can't.

Last night at church, we read several scriptures that spoke to these facts and that confirmed His timing is perfect.  Isaiah 55:8-9 says, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways...As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."  Proverbs 16:9 says, "In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps."  Wow.  

See, I struggle with God a lot.  I question and doubt and wonder what is taking so long.  But then I have moments like the past few weeks and months, and I can see the answers. He longs to give us good things.  This doesn't mean life is always roses and butterflies and rainbows.  Sometimes the path to those good things is filled with struggle and pain.  I've seen that in my own life and in the lives of people that I love.  Life is still life, and it's not meant to be one big joy ride.  But I have seen how God has taken each and every moment of my 39 years to shape me and mold me into the woman He created me to be.  It's a work in progress...a hard work.  But God has never left me...even in the darkest moments when I thought He had, He never did.  There are things I've prayed for that He chose not to give me...and to this day, I don't understand why.  I may never understand this side of heaven.  But my faith allows me to trust Him and His faithfulness in spite of the things I don't understand.  And I have to remember that this life isn't mine...it's His.  

I am a planner.  I plan, and I plan, and I make plans for the plans.  I'm a little OCD and definitely Type A.  But life over the past few months has taught me to be more spontaneous...to live life outside the box...to fly freely in God's grace.  Proverbs 16:9 reminds me that my plans don't amount to much when God has something so much bigger in store.  And I'm so thankful for that!

See God doesn't want us to settle for less than His best for us.  I've heard that so often but never really understood it.  I could settle for less, but why would I when He has so much more!  I've seen in my own life how, If would have settled for certain things and situations...things that I knew were not the best for me and were not God's plan for me...I would have missed out on some pretty awesome blessings He did have in store for me.  Now, I understand that I have been very blessed to be in the position I am to do what I'm doing.  I get that not everyone has the opportunity to take this big of a risk.  However, God can work wonders right where you are if you will only let go of holding on to your plans and let Him work out His plans for your life.  I've shared this before on a previous blog, but I was told by someone who has encouraged me along this journey that sometimes it's not about our plans.  Isaiah 55:8-9 says as much.  His ways and thoughts and plans are so far beyond our wildest imagination!  One of the men we met with also made the comment that his father had told him that we have to "let go of the dock."  We have to let go of what we are holding onto...things that weigh us down or keep us back from the blessings God has in store for us.  I've spent most of my life hanging on.  Hanging on to fear and doubt.  Hanging on to comfort.  Hanging on to my thought of "what if this goes wrong or I get hurt."  Hanging on to my thoughts of how things should go.  Hanging on to negative thoughts and allowing the enemy to flood my mind with irrational thoughts.  It's time to let go...  To let go and allow God to do what only He can do.  To dismiss the thoughts that say things aren't possible and trust the One who can do the impossible.

As the past few months have proven in my life, timing is everything and God knows what He is doing.  Even when it is taking longer than I think it should.  Even when I feel I'm getting too old to see a dream come to fruition.  Even when I don't see how something could be humanly possible.  Even when I have no idea where the next paycheck is going to come from.  God is bigger than all of that!  His timing is perfect and in His plan, everything happens right on time.  Age is just a number...God is not bound by my age...He can still give me those desires of my heart I think I need to give up on because I'm too old for them.  Even when things are humanly impossible, God can do the impossible...and, I've found, delights in doing those things we can't do ourselves.  And God's provision is always there.  Maybe not in the way or amount I want, but in a way that provides for my needs.  It doesn't mean that He gives us everything we want.  But if we will learn to align our hearts with His and seek His will, He will make our paths straight, show us where to go and will provide for all we need to fulfill HIS dreams for our lives.

The things He has shown me throughout my life, and especially over the past six months, have blown me away.  I'm still so far from the woman I need to be and still have a lot of growing to do.  And I still have moments of doubt and failure and questions and just bad days.  But God is faithful through it all and is composing each and every moment into a beautiful melody.  

If you are in a dry place, a place of waiting, a place of questioning if He is working out His plan in your life...hang on!  I know it's hard...trust me.  I've spent many nights crying out to Him and asking Him if He had forgotten me.  This world throws so many images at us of what is "normal" and where we should be by what stage in life.  Forget those things!  God's plan is way better than anything this world can offer!  Yes, I am still waiting on some of those deep desires, and I wonder almost daily what the hold up is.  But I've also realized that if God gave me everything all at once it would be too much for me to handle.  There are also things He may still need to work on before granting those desires...things in my life, things in someone else's life, things in the situation, whatever it may be.  And I have come to trust that it's in the quiet moments, those moments where it seems nothing is happening to move a situation forward, that He is doing some of His best work.  And He is working out things that are so far beyond my wildest dreams I can't even begin to comprehend it.  Because, let me tell you, when He started moving a couple of months ago, He moved!  And hasn't let up yet!  We can't see the full picture, but He can.  And He IS working out each and every moment...in His way...in a way that will bring Him glory and us joy.  

So trust Him and know that His timing is perfect...

I couldn't find a video for this song, but I love the lyrics!  He definitely has exceeded my expectations!

"Never Loved You More" by Nichole Nordeman

Well, you could take a cup and fill it up
And just keep on filling til it all comes
spilling down the sides
That's what You do in my life

Or you could watch the sky at sunrise
And see the clouds turn shades I never
knew could make me want to cry
That's what You do in my life
Never mind moderation
You exceed my expectations

I have never loved You more
'Cause You have never loved me less
Than the day before, or the day before
I have never loved You more

Have you ever tried to count the stars way up past Mars?
It will blow your mind
Don't even try to think about infinity
But that's how You love me

Much more than I can contain
A balloon once tethered to the ground,
But could not stick around to stay
Free to fly away
Never mind moderation
You exceed my expectations

I have never loved You more
'Cause You have never loved me less
Than the day before, or the day before
I have never loved You more

I have never dared to dream
Beyond what I've already seen
The day before, or the day before
I have never loved You more

Exceedingly, abundantly more

I have never loved You more
'Cause You have never loved me less
Than the day before, or the day before
I have never loved You more

I have never dared to dream
beyond what I've already see
The day before, or the day before
I have never loved you more 

Faithful Love

"Why should I gain from His reward,
I cannot give an answer.
But, this, I know with all my heart,
His wounds have paid my ransom."

As most of you know, I am now in private practice with a fellow music therapist in Gulfport, MS.  I haven't yet moved (hopefully that will take place early next year, or whenever God has it in the plans...I'm learning my plans don't mean much these days, which is completely fine), so that means I get to spend a few days a week driving either down to the coast or back home.  I say "get to" because I am one of those people who actually enjoys driving.  I guess after years and years of driving at least 40 minutes one way to and from work, I have come to cherish my travel time.  I often spend this time listening to music...usually a mix of songs that I have put together.  I have a ton of playlists with music varying from rock to Christian to folk to blues to pop.  I usually end up putting songs together that are a favorite at the time or that speak to me in some way or that are pertinent to something I'm dealing with.  I develop new playlists every couple of months or so, and it is always interesting to go back a couple of years and look at the songs I was listening to.  I can pretty much tell you what was going on in my life based on the music I was listening to.  

Well, a couple of months ago I was listening to some music and came across some older songs that I had by Nichole Nordeman.  Her lyrics are so, so good.  She truly has a gift for writing.  So after finding these songs, I decided to download a couple of her albums.  I'm sure I have the CD (or possibly even cassette tape - yep, I know, I'm old) somewhere, but trying to find it between my house here and my dad's house would be like looking for a needle in a haystack.  So I decided to just download them again.  

So back to my drive to the coast this past week.  I normally select one of my playlists and then hit shuffle.  This means that I don't always get to hear all the songs in the list.  But I like the "randomness" of this because I never know what song is coming on next.  But as I have come to find in life, nothing is ever really random.  At least not when you look at it from God's perspective.  So as I was driving down Highway 49, a song came on that I had never heard before.  It's an arrangement of a modern hymn written by Stuart Townend that Nichole Nordeman did on one of her albums.  The words are beautiful and haunting and spoke so clearly to me in that moment.  Each and every lyric is powerful (I'll post them at the end), but the last verse was what struck me...

Why should I gain from His reward,
I cannot give an answer.
But, this, I know with all my heart,
His wounds have paid my ransom.

Why should I gain from HIS reward?  The past couple of months have brought many good things into my life.  Things I could never have imagined.  God took my prayers, my deepest desires and then amplified them by a million and answered in a way I still cannot explain or comprehend.  And He is STILL working!  I have been so humbled by His goodness and provision.  There are things I cannot humanly explain that have fallen into place and that continue to happen.  There are people who have been placed in my life that have brought so much joy and goodness.  There has been provision that my human mind could never have seen.  And I have done NOTHING to deserve any of it.  

But God's love is like that.  He is faithful even when I am not.  He sent His only Son to die for me, to do what I could never do for myself, to pay my ransom.  Why?  It surely isn't because I've done anything for Him.  It's not that I could ever pay enough for my soul.  It's not that I love Him faithfully.  It's not that I'm good.  Because I haven't, I can't, I don't and I'm not.  But He is and has and can and does.

People come into our life with promises of love.  Parents, friends, spouses, significant others.  And we all mean well when we promise to love someone.  And we do our best.  But it's hard.  We are selfish at times.  We get frustrated.  We choose to only see one side of a situation.  We don't listen completely.  We get tired.  And things build and build and build until there is resentment or anger or we just give up.  But we are human, and the Bible says that God remembers we are dust.  He knows that we can't fulfill any promise of unconditional love...at least not without Him.  And we can't seek to find in another human being what can only be found in Him.  This isn't to say that our human relationships can't work and can't be successful.  But not in our own strength.  He has to be a part of it, the main part, for it to be possible.  I can't seek to find this kind of love in anyone or anything else.  That's a burden to big for any of us to bear in our frail, human frames. This kind of love can only be found in Him for He has promised, and He is faithful to His promises (Hebrews 10:23).  

See, it's nothing that I've done to earn His love.  He loves simply because He is love.  He loves because we are His children, and no matter what we could ever do, His love will never go away.  We can rest in that promise.  Isaiah 32:17-18 says, "The fruit of righteousness will be peace; the effect of righteousness will be quietness and confidence forever.  My people will live in peaceful dwelling places, in secure homes, in undisturbed places of rest."  

Undisturbed places of rest.  This doesn't mean that life will be easy.  That everyone we love will love us in return.  That life won't be hard.  That nothing bad will ever happen.  What it is saying is that God is faithful and will give us undisturbed places of rest.  This means that even when life is raging about us, we can have peace.  Undisturbed peace.  Peace that passes understanding (Philippians 4:7).  Because we know that whatever life brings, whatever attitude we have, whatever right or wrong we do...God's love is unchanging.  It is faithful.  HE is faithful.

I have no idea what this life will bring.  I know so far it has brought loss, heartache, grief, anger, love, friendship, goodness, bad times, prosperity, lean times, favor, not being favored and everything in between.  But the constant in it all is God's faithful love.  If He loved each of us enough to send His only Son to die and suffer hell so we wouldn't have to, undeserved on our part, what will He not do for us, His children whom He has ransomed and loves?  My hope isn't in my own ability to do well or in another human being or in a circumstance or in money or in anything this life brings. We have to realize this love can only be found in Him.  My hope is in Him and Him alone.  

My prayer is that you will experience His faithful love.  I promise you that even if life gets hard, He will still be there.  I promise you He will never leave.  I promise you He will never stop loving you.  You can have love that is faithful and true.  How deep the Father's love for us...

How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that left Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

Change Is a Comin'....

Since my last post on fear, as I predicted, I've continued to struggle with worry and doubt and fear on some level.  I've continued to struggle to choose to see the good rather than worry about what could go wrong.  I suspect that it will always be something that I struggle with in some way.  But I'm getting better, and God is proving faithful each and every time I cry out to Him.  And I'm going to need that assurance of faithfulness in the coming days...

Since I made it official this week, I guess I can share my news!  I am taking the biggest leap of faith I've ever made in my life.  I am quitting my current job in the middle of July and am going into private practice with my music therapy colleague, Nicole.  We are both getting certified in Kindermusik and hope to offer both Kindermusik classes and music therapy services to families on the coast.  I am very excited and completely overwhelmed at this opportunity at this point in my life!  It couldn't have come at a better time.  I will be done with graduate classes in February and then plan on moving to the beach (or at least in close proximity).  And all this means a big change is coming for my life...

Change is normally something I'm scared of.  I am a person who likes routine and likes to know what to expect and what is going on.  I'm not a huge fan of surprises.  And when I am aware that change is coming, I plan like crazy.  However, with this endeavor, I'm not afraid.  And I'm pretty sure it's because I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that this is the path I was meant to follow.  Some of my long standing dreams are coming true.

I turn 40 this year.  And I'm actually excited about that.  And I'm excited that all this change is happening in conjunction with that event.  God has placed people in my life and allowed situations in my life to guide me right where He wants me to be.  I don't have it all figured out by any means!  But I know and trust the One who does.  I used to view 40 as this "old" age or that if I hadn't reached all my dreams by then, life would be over.  But I'm finding just the opposite to be true.  I'm finding that I have confidence and motivation now that I didn't even have five years ago.  If you would have told me 10 years ago that this is how things would turn out, I would have laughed at you.  And then I probably would have wondered why it couldn't happen sooner.  But I can say that, had any single event or person been different, my life wouldn't be heading down this path.  God has planned each and every moment...beyond my expectation and imagination.

So at almost 40, here I am basically starting over, so to speak.  I've never been one to follow the "normal" road of life.  No marriage, 3.5 kids and the white picket fence all by 30.  The thought of getting married or having a child after 40?  Never in a million years would I have said I would be ok with that.  But now?  I am totally open to that and actually excited about the possibility.  (And let me make a disclaimer...No I don't have any immediate plans to do either before anyone reads anything into that or gets all excited...but God knows what His plans are concerning those things, and I trust Him that He will give me those desires of my heart.)  I've always been a late bloomer, and I've always marched to the beat of my own drum.  And I've always been my own individual.  Not to say there haven't been bumps along the way or that I haven't gotten discouraged.  However, I can look back at all of that and know that for my life to be turning out like it is now is very fitting and very "me."  And I wouldn't change a thing!  I still don't have all the answers, but I have a peace that I will get each answer I need at the appropriate time.  

Due to a few situations that were allowed into my life, I made the decision back in May to begin looking into other work options.  Long story short, in the matter of a week's time, I looked into Kindermusik, found an educator on the coast that needed another educator to help teach and registered to begin training.  Then the next week, I met with her and ended up having lunch with some other friends...which then turned into a discussion about private practice.  And since that time, each and every week (sometimes daily), opportunity after opportunity, lead after lead, open door after open door has been placed in my path.  I cannot even explain it or comprehend it.  I could not have planned any of this if I tried.  However, as I was told by a very wise man, "sometimes it's not about our plans."  And that is so true.  And now a month and a half after my initial decision, I am about to jump head first into private practice with Nicole and am making plans to move in the next 8 to 10 months.  So different from what my initial plan was when I moved to Hattiesburg...but exactly what I need and want to do.  Again, not my plan but His.

I have long had the dream of starting my own private practice.  And I have always wanted to work with children.  And I am now seeing those dreams becoming reality.  God just took me down a different road than I thought I would take to get to this point.  But I wouldn't change a thing.  If one single thing had been different, there are some very wonderful experiences I would have missed and some very special people I may have never met.  So I'm thankful that it's taken this long.  Never thought I'd say that!  But I'm learning that trusting God also means trusting His timing and His attention to each and every detail in my life.

There are other dreams I have for my personal life...dreams I've waited long for.  But dreams that I can see God working out.  Details that He's putting into place.  Changes He's making in me, to grow me and make me into the woman I need to be for what He has planned.  Things I could not have ever planned or imagined.  Things that have blown my mind because it is so far beyond and better than anything I could have asked for.  But, again, "sometimes it's not about our plans."  Now, I have no idea how things will turn out, but I'm hopeful.  And I know that regardless of the outcome, God will still remain faithful and will still provide all I need.  

I have no idea what the next year will bring.  I'm sure it will be full of very high highs and possibly some very low lows.  I know that I have a lot of hard work ahead of me and possibly some lean times.  But I know that I can't wait to see what God has in store!  I know that He has placed some amazing people in my life who have been so encouraging and supportive and have threatened to hurt me if I don't pursue this.  A close circle of a few who I know will have my back no matter what happens.  And with that and God by my side, how can I not jump wildly into this adventure?!

So as 40 approaches, I am embracing the changes that are coming.  I am embracing this path that God has so lovingly laid out for me step by step.  I know the changes that He has done in me, and I'm so thankful for His patience as I navigate through those.  That same wise man who told me it wasn't about our plans also told me not to look back and to embrace the future.  And that is just what I intend to do.  Embracing the changes....

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you a future and a hope."  - What better promise can you rest on?

FEAR

Fear.  A four letter word I hate more than other four letter words out there.  A four letter word that brings more harm and pain and unrest than any other four letter word.  Four little letters that can bring grown men and women to their knees.  At least this grown woman...

My entire life I have been one of those people who "hope for the best but prepare for the worst."  I have lived afraid to enjoy the good times because I'm afraid that the other shoe is going to drop and a bad time is lurking right around the corner.  This friend will betray me just like the last one did.  This guy is just like all the others who lied.  This situation will end up just like the last one.  I even go so far as to be afraid of being happy, thinking (illogically, I admit) that the very act of being happy and not worried about anything will immediately cause something to go wrong.  Twisted, I know.  Crazy?  I get it.  Illogical?  Of course.  Sinful?  Hmmm.... Hadn't really thought of that.

I get my predisposition to worry and fear honestly.  I come from a line of worriers.  My mom worried.  Her mom worried.  So it honestly is a "learned" behavior (for all you psychology enthusiasts out there) combined with a life that hasn't always dealt the best of hands.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I'm blessed.  Beyond measure.  My life has been a ride down easy street compared to others that I know.  And I am forever grateful for that.  However, I still worry.  Now, my dad?  Not so much a worrier.  Why I didn't take more after him in that area?  Who knows.  So, I worry.  And allow fear to dominate my life.

Until now.  The past several months have brought about some of the most trying times, some of the most delightful times, some of the most unsettled times and some of the most growing times.  Due to a couple of different circumstances in my life, I've been on the roller coaster of emotion.  And I don't just mean the kiddie ride.  Some days I feel like I've ridden the Rocking Roller Coaster at Disney World!  Now, I have actually ridden it.  Twice.  And I liked it.  I overcame my fear, conquered that ugly monster and had a blast.  However, other days have been straight up like the Tower of Terror ride (also at Disney).  I have ridden it.  Once.  Will NEVER do it again.  Not a fear I care to conquer.  And there have been days that have emulated both of those in the past few months.  I've been faced with opportunities, situations, life events that have hurled me from 0 to 60 in 5 seconds...things that have scared me to death but that turned out to be exhilarating and amazing.  Then there have been days when I feel like I'm plummeting to my sure death and have experienced pain and doubt and worry.  Days that have made me physically ill.  

However, in the midst of all of that, God has been working on me.  In a very real and powerful way.  He has used friends, family, my new church family and situations to break me, to mold me, to change me.  It has not been a fun or easy process.  But I'm getting there.  My normal reaction to a difficult situation is to go into full on "freak out mode." (Yes, that is a clinical term...at least to me.)  The cycle goes something like this:  situation occurs that causes me pain or doubt, I immediately think the worst and freak out (definition:  over react, cry, get mad at God, assume the worst, question everything, think illogically).  Then I pray (notice this is one step out of the order it should be in).  Then I calm down and begin to think logically.  God reveals whatever it is I need to see.  I am able to realize either a solution or find a peace about the situation.  Life goes on.  Until something else happens...

I've been stuck in this cycle for years.  Until recently.  Now, any change is going to take time and work.  It's going to hurt.  It's going to be hard.  It's going to take determination and will to ignore the illogical thoughts and replace them with logical ones.  It is going to take faith to trust God has my best interest at heart even when everything around me says differently.  And I don't like it.  But I've reached the point in my life where I refuse to be bound by worry and fear.  I refuse to miss out on happy moments because I'm waiting for the bad to happen.  I refuse to let FEAR have the last word.  And it is a struggle of gigantic proportions.  But I'm getting there.  In the past few months I've learned to switch the steps of that cycle around.  Now, when a trying time or a trial comes my way, my first reaction is to pray.  To seek God's face and fall before Him and lay it all out there.  I ask Him to show me HIS truth in the situation and to give me peace no matter the outcome.  We had a speaker at church the other week who talked about allowing God to shine His light into the dark places of your heart...the places where all the hurt from the past dwells...and to ask Him to heal those parts of you.  It really hit home.  But the kicker is this...  In order for God to do that, I have to be willing to LET GO.  Which is my other issue....

I am a control freak.  Yep, I admit it.  Type A personality all the way.  And there are times it comes in handy.  I can multi-task like nobody's business.  I am organized.  I can plan a calendar so specifically a 2 year old could understand it.  I can put on a play from start to finish including sets and props and costumes and scripts and make sure it runs like clockwork.  So when life doesn't go according to plan, I freak out.  However, I am not in control.  God is.  And in order for Him to heal and work and bring about His miracles, I have to let go of those things I'm hanging onto.  The main reason I don't?  My feeble earthly perception is that if I hold onto it, I can manipulate it into what I think it should be.  That if I let go, God may not do what I want Him to do.  The outcome may not be what I desire.  But guess what?  Every time I try to do it in my own power, in my own way...it NEVER goes well.  I always mess it up.  Royally.  I push things to hurry up before their time.  I seek an answer when I'm not ready to accept the answer just yet.  I am willing to accept less than the best for a momentary pleasure.  I even often hurt others and myself in the process.  God knows what He is doing.  I do not.  It's that simple.  Yes, I can make mundane decisions that don't affect much.  But I'm training myself that, even in the simplest of decisions, I need His guidance and direction.  When I learn that, then I can face whatever comes my way.  If my prayer gets answered the way I want... great.  If it doesn't...great because God has something better or sees something out there I can't yet see.  

So when you add worrying to control freak, you often get a jumbled mess.  It's a never ending cycle of unneeded hurt, illogical thinking and striving for things I have no business striving for.  I waste energy.  I waste resources.  I waste time.  Now, I'm not saying we should sail through life, happy go lucky, not a care in the world.  Life is HARD. Sometimes, it almost kills us.  But over the past few weeks I have discovered something...something that I've heard my whole life.  But something that I've never truly believed or understood until now.

Worry, doubt, fear are all rebellion against God and are sin.  Now yes, there is healthy fear.  The kind that keeps you from getting in a car with a serial killer or keeps you from jumping off the Grand Canyon thinking you'll land safely.  I'm not talking about that kind of fear.  I'm talking about paralyzing fear.  Fear that keeps you up at night, that keeps you from stepping out on faith, that keeps you from living this abundant life God gave us to live.  

Last Wednesday night at church we read a passage from Deuteronomy 1:31-33.  Earlier in the week I had a specific worry and concern.  Brief sidebar:  for those who may not know, I'm embarking on perhaps the scariest yet most fulfilling adventure of my life.  I'm stepping out completely in faith, trusting God and Him alone for His provision and favor and blessing, and starting a private practice and moving at some point to the coast.  This has been a very overwhelming time...overwhelmed at God's goodness and grace.  I have no doubt in my mind the path He is leading me down, and each week (sometimes each day) brings about more confirmation that this is what I'm meant to do and where I need to be headed.  However, there have been concerns along the way.  Worries.  Doubts.  FEAR. And with all He has shown me, I should have none of that.  I will say that I haven't worried like I usually do.  I have a complete peace that passes understanding about the grand scheme of it all.  It's the little day to day things that tend to freak me out.  Some that I have no control over.  Some that I have to completely release into His hands.  My prayer this entire time has been for His will to be done...regardless of if it fits along with mine or not.  Because in His will is the only place I will be truly joyful, happy and secure.

So back to Deuteronomy 1:31-33.  This passage says, "There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place.  IN SPITE OF THIS, YOU DID NOT TRUST THE LORD YOUR GOD, who went ahead of you on your journey, in fire by night and in a cloud by day, to search out places for you to camp and to show you the way you should go.  See that all caps section?  Yeah, it jumped out at me like a rattlesnake out of tall grass!  You see, I have seen God's hand all along my life.  And in this specific situation, I've seen Him do things that there is no other explanation for other than it was God.  I remember I was down on the coast a month ago, and driving back from dinner, we saw a double rainbow stretching out over the water.  And in that moment, I felt God remind me of His promises, of His faithfulness and of His provision.  I made the commitment in that moment not to worry again about any of this.  That lasted about for a couple of weeks before I started to doubt and fear again.  Until this past weekend when I saw the exact same thing in almost the exact same spot.  Now, you can say what you want about signs and wonders and all that.  However, I know that God can use whatever He wants to speak to our hearts.  And He used that rainbow.  And He uses His word daily right now.  

I realized as I drove home from church that night that I had been rebelling against my faithful Father.  I had allowed the sin of fear and worry to shape my life.  And it had to stop.  "In spite of this"...in spite of all the things He has done and continues to do in my life...I did not fully trust Him.  If you read the story leading up to these verses, the Israelites had wandered in the dessert for 40 years.  God had provided for their every need.  They didn't necessarily see where the final destination would be, but God did.  And "in spite of" all of His provision and faithfulness, they did not trust him.  I turn 40 this December.  God has led me for 40 years.  Through valleys.  On mountain peaks.  Through good times and bad.  He's carried me through losing my mom.  He's led me to places I never thought I'd go.  And "in spite of" all of that, I still doubt Him.  How that must break His heart...

I look at it as a child and parent relationship.  Now, I don't have a child of my own.  This is another area in which I am trusting Him.  I see an almost 40 year old with no possibility of having one of my own.  God sees me like he saw Sarah and Hannah and Elizabeth.  He sees His way.  He sees possible.  I long for the day I get the privilege of being called mom.  And yet, as much as I would love my own child, God loves me even more.  He wants HIS best for me, and HIS best blows my best out of the water.  Think of how a child trusts their parent.  Picture a dad swinging his little girl around and then throwing her up in the air and catching her...knowing the joy it brings her and knowing he would never let her fall.  If we being earthly and sinful and flawed love our children that much and take care of our children that much, how much more does God do the same for us?  God has brought me to a place where He is swinging me around and bringing me joy.  But there are days I doubt...will He catch me?  Imagine how you would feel as a parent if your child stopped and asked you that.  What if they doubted that you would catch them?    You know the depth of your love for that child and know you would never let them fall.  In the same way, God's love for me goes beyond comprehension, and He would never let me fall.  Yet, I doubt.  Why?  When He continues to prove Himself faithful time after time after time.  Does He always give me what I want?  No!  And thank goodness!  When I look back on some of the things I prayed for 10 years ago...I'm very thankful He didn't give them to me.  But I also see things He has given me.  Some I've asked for, and others have been sheer surprises that He chose to delight me with.  God wants the best for us.  But that doesn't mean that the best comes easy.  Sometimes it is in the struggles and disappointments of life that He teaches us the most valuable lessons and shapes us into the people He desires us to be.

II Timothy 1:7 says "For God has not given us the spirit of fear but of power and love and a sound mind."  GOD HAS NOT GIVEN US THE SPIRIT OF FEAR.  Let that soak in.  If God hasn't given us the spirit of fear, why do we fear?  Why do we allow something that is NOT of Him, something He did not ordain to infiltrate our life and paralyze us?  Why am I so afraid to let go of what I cannot control and trust Him to do what is best?  Why am I so quick to jump to conclusions and allow illogical thoughts to rule my mind?  Why do I over react before I know all sides to the story?  Why do I freak out?  The answer is plain and simple.  Sin.  We have to put to death the flesh each and every day.  And it is hard.  Just like it is hard for me to say no to french fries and chocolate and fattening food every single day, I know I have to.  They are not good for me.  I have to learn to say no to fear.  No to worry.  No to doubt.  No to illogical thoughts that cause me to over react.  I have to choose...DAILY...to counter those thoughts with only one thought.  Jesus.  That one name holds all the power we need to get through the day and to make it through every situation.  Does it mean every day will be easy?  No.  Does it mean we won't have struggles or problems?  Nope.  Does it mean life will always go my way?  Don't count on it.  Does it mean I'll never fear or doubt again?  I can assure you that won't be the case.  

But if I will bring my mind and my thoughts under HIS control, let go of my need to control and trust that He sees my end from beginning, that He sees and has ordained the path before me...I can learn to live a joyful life.  I can enjoy each moment as it comes.  I can learn to be happy and not worry about what lurks around the corner.  I can learn to "believe the best without assuming the worst."  Even if a tough time comes.  All because I know He holds me safely in His arms and nothing can take me away from Him.  

So I'm working on it.  I'm not where I need to be.  In fact, I just had a moment this afternoon where I freaked out, over reacted and worried about something I saw on Facebook that caused me to question something.  On Facebook, for heaven's sake!  Really? But that is what sin does.  It raises its ugly head and manipulates things to put us in a tailspin.  But I'm growing.  You know how I know?  Because, yes, I had a brief freak out moment when I saw it.  But I immediately began to pray for God to shine His light of truth and bring peace to my heart.  Has it been a constant struggle since this afternoon to fight the illogical thoughts running amok in my brain?  Yep.  But I'm fighting them.  And I'm choosing to believe God and to trust Him...no matter the outcome.  Because let's face it...I ALWAYS mess things up when I follow the "freak out cycle."  But when I let go and trust in the face of uncertainty, God is there.  And where God is love is.  And where love is, fear cannot dwell.  I John 4:18 says, "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment...."  Torment.  I would say that perfectly sums up how I feel when I allow fear to dominate my mind.  So if I allow God's truth and love to dominate my mind, fear has to flee.

Fear still has the power to bring me to my knees.  But these days, it brings me to my knees in prayer and repentance rather than in pain and torment.  It motivates me to seek His truth even more.  I'm learning to trust God because of all He has done rather than to doubt Him in spite of all He has done.  And I'm finally realizing after my "40 years" of fear, that He has not given that spirit of fear to me.  He has given me peace and joy and love.  

My prayer is that if you struggle with allowing fear to dominate your life that you will seek God's face and allow Him to free you from the pain and doubt and worry.  He has such good things in store for us!  I cannot wait to see what all He has planned in these coming months and year...I know it will blow my mind and, if He were to reveal it all to me now, my mind wouldn't be able to comprehend it.  Does it mean He will give me everything I want?  No.  But He will provide everything I need to glorify Him and to live the life He created me to live.  I will trust Him...even when I can't see where the next step is heading...I will take that step in faith, knowing He will provide in His time and His way...then I'll take the next step...and the next...and the next...until He leads me safely home.  I refuse to allow fear to keep me from serving Him.  I long to hear those words, "Well, done, good and faithful servant."  So I'm saying goodbye to striving and fretting and my need to control every aspect of life.  And I'm saying goodbye to fear.  

The Art of Being Still

There is an art to being still.  I have not mastered that art.  My mind runs 1,000 miles a minute.  I analyze everything and reanalyze it.  I try to figure things out often before it's time for me to know what it is I'm trying to figure out.  I think, re-think and then think some more.  My mind is my worst enemy.  And being still is like the unattainable Holy Grail.  

The past couple of months, God has been trying to "help" me master this art, however.  And I don't like it.  He tries this every so often, and every time I fight it.  I know He is trying to work a change within me, but I don't like change.  Well, I do like change...if it's fun or if I can see what the effect of that change will be.  I don't like change that is hard or when I have no idea at all what the purpose of the change is.  But still He works.  I often feel like that piece of pottery that keeps flopping over as the potter tries to mold it...that stubborn piece that just won't mold into the shape it's supposed to.  But, ever patient, God keeps molding.  ("So I went down to the potter’s house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him."  Jeremiah 18:3-4)

I told my friend the other day that I feel like I'm in a state of being unsettled.  I am honestly at a point in my life where I have no idea where the road is leading.  I know things that I want to happen, people I want to have in my life, my dreams and goals for my future.  However, I see no clear direction.  At all.  The past couple of months I have questioned, doubted, cried, laughed, talked, prayed.  And yet, God seems to remain silent. I know He is there.  But He is silent.  And it's in these moments that I need to be still and know.  Did I mention I'm not good at being still?

I have three trimesters left of grad school, and while I'm excited about the end being near, I am beginning to question where I go from here.  There will be decisions to make and change will happen.  I turn 40 this year.  And my life is so different from what I thought it would be by now.  Not bad...just different.  I'm thankful for the things I've experienced and accomplished in my almost 40 years.  But those deepest desires have yet to be fulfilled.  I want to start a private practice soon.  And there are more decisions to be made and more change.  And I feel unsettled and feel like I don't really have a clear direction right now.  There are several questions to be answered before I can know which path to take.  Questions that I ask God daily.  Questions that still have no answer.  Questions that, so far, God has chosen to remain silent about.

Like I said, the past couple of months He has been working on me.  I'm learning to be patient (my weakest attribute by far) and wait on Him.  I'm learning not to jump to conclusions.  I'm learning to not do the same thing I've always done.  And the hardest?  I'm learning to change my thought patterns and trying to bring my thoughts (which are my worst enemy) under His control.  And I can see change taking place.  Not the fun, easy kind.  This change has been difficult, tough and sometimes knocks me down.  But I know it is for the good.  I know it is all part of God making me into the woman He made me to be.  And I'm learning to be thankful for these "growing" times...even though I don't like them when I'm smack in the middle of them.

Which brings me back to being still.  I pray constantly.  That is one thing I've learned to do...to pray without ceasing.  Though at times, I am sure God would like a break.  I know I'm one of His "problem children" at times.  But I pray.  There is the story of a judge in the Bible who finally answered a woman's request because of her persistence. (Luke 18:1-7)  And I have taken that story to heart.  When I pray, I am persistent.  Probably to a fault.  It's not that I don't think God heard me the first time or that He needs reminding.  But it is through that persistent prayer that I find peace.  But I often find I'm the one doing a lot of the talking.  Yes, God speaks to my heart and gives me peace when I'm at the bottom and my emotions are running amok.  But I rarely take time to be still and just sit in His presence.

Psalm 46:10 says, "Be still and know that I am God..."  I know that God is God, that He is all powerful, that He has my best interests and the best interests of those I pray for at heart.  But do I really KNOW God?  Do I really take the time to be still just let Him show me His power and mercy and love?  Life gets so crazy and so busy, and we sometimes need breaks from life, from the routines, from the chaos, from the bad news, from the trouble, from the good and the bad...we need time with our Father.  It is in these times we find strength to deal with life.  

So I'm learning to be still.  This is not my favorite part of God's work in me.  But I know He is working something greater for my good.  I don't like to wait.  And God knows that about me.  But He also knows that what He is working out for me, the things I can't see, the things I don't understand...those things are far greater and more important than my dislike of waiting.  So He would rather me suffer a little over waiting than miss out on what He has planned for my life.  

So I wait...  And learn the art of being still.  

Be Still And Know by Steven Curtis Chapman

I Will Listen by Twila Paris