My First Ever Online Bible Study

If you are a reader of my blog, you know very well that self doubt and worry are things I struggle with all the time.  It's like a broken record playing in my head...every day.  I seek to trust God...to take His promises at face value...then life sends something my way that causes me to doubt.  It's never a huge wave...it always begins with a little trickle.  A little raindrop of the enemy whispering in my ear, "Are you sure about this?  Are you sure this peace you feel about this situation is really from God?  Or did you manufacture it?"  I waste so much energy combatting these lies...worried that the peace I feel may not be from God...that it may be the enemy trying to get me to believe a lie...that the good things that have recently come into my life aren't really from God.  I know, my mind is really messed up at times.  And I'm sick of it.  Sick of the cycle.  Sick of the broken record...

And I've realized...I can't change this alone.  Now, I've gotten better over the past several months.  God has been working on me...a LOT.  But I still struggle with this.  I struggle with being able to accept good things...struggle with accepting that He longs to bless me with the desires of my heart...struggle with doubt that this time will be different than before.  So when I heard about this online Bible study, I jumped on it!

I had ordered the book "A Confident Heart" awhile back.  And it's been sitting on my nightstand along with a few other books that I intend to read.  However, life is busy...I'm in grad school and starting my own private practice and also about to move to a new place.  So I tend to neglect reading...even though I know I need to read these books.

Then I saw this study and knew it was one of those special gifts from God.  A gift that He is giving to help me with my struggle.  So I am super excited to be a part of it.  I normally don't do stuff like this...I'm shy and somewhat introverted and shy away from "group" things.  But this is all part of building that confident heart!  So, here I am!

I'm very excited to meet others through this study and connect with women who share similar struggles and lives.  That's the cool thing about this Christian life we journey through...we are never alone.  And we lift each other up and encourage each other...cheer each other on...and we make it!  My prayer is that God will use this time together studying His word and this book as a catalyst for a major miracle in all our lives!  May we all be blessed with a confident heart!

How Deep the Father's Love

I don't know about you, but I personally think I have the best dad in the world!  I'm sure that a lot of daughters feel that way.  But I'm also very aware that many daughters may not have had a good experience with their dad.  So I know I'm very fortunate.  And I'm thankful that I have had an earthly father who represents my heavenly Father so well.  But I'll get back to that...

I currently spend a lot of time on Highway 49 between Hattiesburg and Gulfport and all along US 90.  Hours upon hours within the span of a week.  I'm not complaining...I actually enjoy driving.  I can honestly say that I'm so thankful that I'll be moving to the coast in a couple of months and won't have to make so many trips, but there is a part of me that will miss those several-times-a-week drives.

My usual "M.O." is to put the headphones in, turn on my playlist in shuffle mode and take in the scenery.  This is also prime "me and God" time.  Some trips I sing at the top of my lungs to every song that plays through my headphones.  Some days I just listen.  Some days I don't turn any music on.  But each and every single time I'm in that car I talk with God.  Sometimes it may just be a word of thanks and praise for all He is doing.  Other times it may be my crying out to God asking for answers when I feel like I should just give up.  Sometimes I am overwhelmed and amazed at the beauty I see along the highway...this time of year is gorgeous...with the wildflowers displaying their hues of yellows and purples and the butterflies flitting around without a care in the world.  Yet other times it's almost like an actual conversation...actually it IS a conversation...with me sharing my thoughts and questions and God responding to me with His still small voice.  Those are my favorites.

It's in this "me and God" time that God is doing some of His deepest work in my heart.  He's done a lot of that this year...some of it has been rather painful, some of it has been full of joy.  But each and every instance is a thread in the masterpiece He is weaving in my life.  Last week, during one of my trips, the thought occurred to me:  Don't miss out on the answered prayers and little blessings along the way because you are so focused on the one prayer God hasn't answered yet.  Don't let the delay of one expectation dim the joy of a met expectation.  This epiphany hit me as I was making sure to pay special attention to the beauty around me.  I realized that, had I been focused on the fact that the light didn't turn fast enough or that I was running 5 minutes behind or whatever business issue I needed to deal with rather than focusing on the flowers and the butterflies and even the doe and her fawn running through a field that God so graciously created, I would have missed out on so much.  To some, the beauty of nature may not seem like a big deal.  But to me, to have the gift of sight and sound and smell to be able to fully experience all He has provided is a huge deal.  But how many times have I missed out on those simple joys because I was so focused on a problem I couldn't do anything about at that moment anyway?

So much of my life I have focused on those "big ticket items" so to speak.  The big prayer requests.  Those desires of my heart.  And I get frustrated or worried or worn out in pursuit of them.  How much of that energy that I've wasted on those things...things that God in His wisdom will bring about when He knows the time is right...things that He has an answer to if I will just let go of it and let Him handle it.  And in the meantime, I've missed out on the joy of a simple moment.  I've neglected to thank Him for the little prayers He answers each and every day.  Those seemingly insignificant things that I take for granted.  Just like I would have missed out on the wildflowers and the butterflies and the deer last week had I allowed my focus to be on the problems of the day rather than on the joy of the moment.

Earlier this week I was taking to my dad about life and things going on and things I hoped for and all that good stuff.  Let me preface this by saying that I am so thankful for the relationship and friendship I have with my dad.  I'm thankful that I have this time with him and that we've been able to develop the friendship that we have.  My dad is truly my friend.  He is also a man of few words (unless you really get to know him and then he talks a lot...but that is a story for another day).  So when he says something profound it tends to stick with me.  So as we were talking about those things and the hopes and dreams I have for my life, he told me that he hoped those things happened for me because I deserved it and deserved to be happy.  Of course, my normal self deprecating comment was that I didn't deserve that much.  But he pressed on and told me that I did...as any good father would.  And as our heavenly Father does every day.

This morning during my drive, God brought that conversation with my dad to my mind and used it as a way to help me see that if my earthly father loves me that much and if he would be willing to do whatever it took to provide for me and if he thinks I deserve happiness...how much more does my heavenly Father feel the same?!  It was a very humbling moment.  To think that the Creator of all the beauty I see around me loves me that much!  And the love of my earthly father, as vast as it is, is nothing compared to the love God has for me.  And since He loves me, He longs for me to come to Him and to rest in Him...for the seen and the unseen.  He longs for me to trust Him.  And He desires for me to be joyful and thankful in all of those seemingly small moments (many that I find out later were part of the "working out" of the bigger moments) rather than miss out on them because I am so focused on what I don't yet have.

I want to live in and breathe in each and every moment!  It's so hard to do.  And so many things clamor for our attention...family, friends, relationships, work, starting up your own business, school, life... It can seem like a daunting task.  But our Father longs to help us through each and every moment if we will simply rest in Him.  I am the world's worst at fretting and trying to work things out.  I'm a "fixer."  And I am exhausted.  I wear myself out worrying and trying to plan and trying to do things before it's the right time to do them.  I try to figure out the future and plan my life around how I want things to turn out.  And in the process, I wonder how many of those small moments of joy I have missed out on.

So I'm making it my focus...shifting my gaze toward my Father and resting in His arms.  He already knows the plan and how it all works out...so why should I concern myself with things out of my control.  Especially when His best for me blows my mind time and time again.  Not to say that life doesn't get difficult or that there aren't reasons for concern.  But when that becomes my focus rather than keeping my eyes on Him, that is where the problems begin.  When I realize that He loves me more than I could ever comprehend and He wants the best for me...even if getting to the best takes time or means I have to walk through dark valleys to get there.  Even in the moments that are beyond my human comprehension...He is there.  Loving me.  Carrying me.  Guiding me.

I'm so thankful that God blessed me with an earthly father who represents His love and care to me.  I know how fortunate I am.  Because I know there are many who don't have that experience.  And to you I say, let God surround you with His love.  Let Him be the Father you so desperately want and need.  His promises are true.  Even when we doubt or wonder...He is always faithful.  His ways are not our ways but His ways are good and right and best.  And He loves us beyond measure.  "How deep the Father's love for us...how vast beyond all measure."

Here Again...Where You Begin

Here again.  Here.  Why do I always come back to this place?  Time and time again.  To this place where I feel like I can't stand on my own.  The the place where it feels like the last thread in the rope is about to fray.  Back to the end.

I try.  Really, I do.  I do everything I can to keep from coming back to this place.  I pray.  I read my Bible.  I listen to uplifting songs.  I spend time alone.  I spend time with God.  I can feel when it's coming on.  And I've gotten a lot better at doing that.  And I'm getting even better at doing all the things I can to head it off.  Yet, I still end up here.  In this place of frustration and doubt and questioning and exhaustion.  A place where I question if God is really listening to my prayers?  A place to where I wonder if He has forgotten His promises to me.  

It may sound odd that I'm back to this place.  Especially right now.  On the outside, things look fantastic!  I've started a private practice with a friend.  I get to do a job I love every day.  I have been blessed with some wonderful people in my life.  God has provided all I've needed...even when I don't see how the money will last or how something is going to work out.  And I'm happy for the first time in a really long time.  Well, let me say I'm joyful.  Happy?  Depends on the day.  

Today has been a tough day.  And the rest of the week is looking a little cloudy.   See, I'm good at stuffing.  I stuff my feelings.  I stuff hurt.  I stuff anger.  I stuff.  I'm getting better, but I still have a long way to go.  I'm also a doer.  A "yes man," of sorts.  It's hard for me to say no.  Again, something I'm working on but haven't quite mastered.  When you combine those things, you find your way back to "here."  Exhausted.  Weary. Wondering if you are really capable and competent to do what you feel God is calling you to do.  Wondering if it will all be worth it.  And since I stuff and don't deal with things as they are happening, I can be prone to experiencing what we will call "the busting of the dam."  See, you can only stuff so long before it has to come out.  And mine usually comes out in one of two ways:  I get really upset over something that isn't such a big deal (getting way better at not doing this) or I fall into a puddle of tears on my couch (haven't quite mastered not doing this one yet).  Tonight was the puddle.  

My frustration comes when I realize that I cannot break this cycle.  I've tried.  Believe me, I have.  Like I said before, I pray and read my Bible and do what I can to prevent it from happening.  But let's face it...I'm human.  We all are.  And being human means that sometimes life just gets the best of us.  Even when things are going seemingly well.  And somehow I find comfort in knowing that I don't carry this struggle alone.

Earlier this week, a college friend of mine posted a blog about how sometimes life just falls apart.  (http://joyousrefrain.tumblr.com/post/60825479814/when-it-all-falls-apart)  Her family has been through some very trying times this year.  And all of this after stepping out in complete faith because of a call they feel God has placed on their lives.  She talked about hanging on by a thread but trusting God to weave something beautiful out of it.  And that is where the miracle occurs.

But, it's when we take those steps of faith, trusting God for what we cannot see or explain, that the enemy launches a full scale attack on our hearts and minds.  We finally muster the courage to push away from the shore only to be met with a storm of tsunami like proportions.  And wonder what in the world is going on.  If God rewards the faithful, why does He allow the storms to come?  If we are following the path He has led us to, why do we feel so alone or abandoned?  I can't answer those questions.  I don't know why God mixes the joys of life with the thorns.  I don't know why, when He calls us out in faith and we follow, sometimes it feels almost like a punishment.  

Some things we just aren't meant to understand.  And for someone like me who likes to know what is going on and likes to be in control of things, that is like asking the a dog to quack like a duck.  I want to  know.  I want to know when.  I want to know why.  I want to know how.  And I want God to tell me right now!  But I'm not God.  And for reasons only He can know, He chooses not to reveal to us all things.  So we get frustrated.  We get tired.  We try to do and do and do in our strength.  And we melt in a puddle of tears on the couch all alone.  

But I have found it is in those moments.  Moments when we have reached the end of ourself.  Moments when we cry out telling God we can't do it anymore.  Moments where we tell Him we just need to know right now.  It is in those moments. when we get to the end of our ropes, when we are hanging by that last fray of a thread...  That is where He begins.  

I can't explain it.  It makes no sense to this human mind.  But when I reach that point, where all I can do is cry out and lay it all before Him, that I see Him all the more clearly.  It's almost like he uses the tears to clear out the dust from our eyes so that we can see Him.  So that we can turn our focus completely to Him.  And that's the point, I guess.

I, like my friend, still don't understand.  I still have questions.  I still want answers yesterday.  There are things that I think I know that I find I have no idea about.  Then there are other things which seemed so cloudy before that I can see clearly now.  And I have to trust that God is faithful.  That He will never leave or forsake me.  That He does remember His promises to me.  That He does see me in my darkest moments.  I have to trust He is working all things out for my good.  Even when I can't see it.  I'm not meant to see it all right now.

So, even though on the outside things look smooth, on the inside I'm a jumbled mess.  I'm a frazzled, tired, anxious person who doesn't have a clue what I'm doing most days.  But God knows.  He knows that sometimes we have to come to the end of ourselves before He can begin a great work.  So He allows things and people and situations that may be trying or unpleasant or frustrating or just downright confusing in order to shift our focus.  Look at Job.  As much turmoil as he faced, he was still able to say, "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him."  (Job 13:15)  

So here I am.  Again.  I don't know the purpose of all of this.  Only God knows that.  I don't know why I can't seem to learn this lesson.  But maybe that is the point.  Maybe God continues to allow these moments so that I don't ever reach a point where I feel I can do it on my own.  Where I feel I don't need Him.  May I never reach a place where I don't recognize my need for Him.  And so, like my friend wrote in her blog, I'll keep holding onto this thread and trusting Him for what's to come.  I'll reach my end and get out of the way so He can begin.  

Mandisa came out with a new album next week, and it is awesome!  Today, this song has been especially meaningful...and where I got the title for my post today.  I hope God will use it bless you as He has me.

Do I Trust Him Even If...

"Knock with caution at the door.  They said, 'Beware of what you're praying for."  So I'll stand with my whole desire in the middle of this forest fire till I've nothing left to show, and new life begins to grow." - Burnin', Nichole Nordeman

"Not for the sake of a creed or a cause.  Not for a dream or a promise.  Simply because It is Jesus who calls, and if we believe, we'll obey." - For the Sake of the Call, Steven Curtis Chapman

Over the past few months, God has done some really amazing things in my life.  I've shared all of the wonderful opportunities and blessings on previous blogs.  But sometimes I get distracted by the blessings (and yes, that is possible) and lose my focus on the One who gave me those blessings.  And it is in those times that I begin to live with fear and doubt and questions.  

Throughout my life, I have seen the hand of God.  I have seen through both good and bad times that He has been there.  I've prayed many times for Him to increase my faith or give me patience or make me more like who He created me to be.  However, when He begins to do those things, I fight it.  I don't do this intentionally.  But when things start to get difficult, I get scared.  I wonder if I'm on the right path.  I wonder if this is really what God has led me to do.  I wonder if I've mis-read the signs and have just read into things.  But God didn't call us to a life of ease and comfort.  And sometimes questioning and struggle are part of the process.

A lot of people think that once you become a Christian or you dedicate yourself more fully to following God's plan for your life that things will just automatically fall into place and be easy.  But that's not the case.  If anything, making those decisions often means life becomes more difficult and struggles become more real.  When we choose to follow God, the enemy gets angry and tries everything he can to derail us.  For me, he always attacks my mind and my thoughts.  I've said it before in previous blogs...my mind runs ninety to nothing 24/7.  And when I get overly exhausted or have too much going on that takes my focus off of God, I'm a prime target for those attacks.  I read into things way to much.  I over-analyze situations.  I doubt and question every decision I've made.  My imagination goes into over-drive.  It's something I've always struggled with, but I am slowly winning the battle.  

See, God didn't call us to a life in Him for our comfort.  He calls us to a life in Him so that we can serve Him by serving others, become holy and bring Him glory.  This is never an easy task.  And the process often brings pain and struggle and tears.  We are being refined like gold in a fire...and it hurts.  A lot.  Nichole Nordeman has a song called Burnin'.  I have grown to love this song over the past month.  It talks about how, when we truly seek to know Him more, seek to live according to His plans for our life and seek to deepen our faith, it causes a "burning" in our souls.  Jeremiah said, "Then I said, “I will not make mention of Him, Nor speak anymore in His name.” But His word was in my heart like a burning fire, Shut up in my bones; I was weary of holding it back, And I could not" (Jeremiah 20:9).  I myself have had those moments, especially here lately, where I have been overwhelmed to the point of tears.  I've had many quiet moments alone where I can so clearly feel God's presence near me.  I actually do have a "burning" in my soul.  However, this burning is meant to rid us of ourselves in order to make us new, into the person God is calling us to be.  It's a difficult process...like that gold that has been refined in the fire.  And the closer we become to God, the more the enemy launches those attacks.  So at a time when I should be full of excitement, I have had moments where I'm not.  It's hard to admit that...especially when, on the outside looking in, everything seems to be "falling into place."  And I'm not saying that things aren't.  But I know that in the middle of all the good I've had some really dark moments that weren't so good.  But God has been there in each of those moments and reminds me that this journey is all about Him and not about my comfort.

See, even when things are going well, there are still issues to be resolved.  Issues of the heart.  Issues with finances.  Issues with my relationships...with God and with other people.  Issues with trust.  Issues with worry over the future.  Issues I've dealt with at some point off and on my whole life.  Issues we all deal with at some point.  But it's when those issues arise that we have a choice to make.  We can either wallow in the doubt, self-pity, shame, guilt, worry, whatever emotion is there.  Or we can bring the issue to God, lay ourself bare before Him and trust Him to do what is best.  It doesn't mean the fear or doubt or whatever goes away immediately.  At least not in my own life.  But I have found that in spite of whatever the issue is, I have a peace.  A peace to know that God will never leave me or forsake me.  A peace to know that no matter what the outcome is, He is there.  No matter what difficulty arises, He will provide.  I'm going to have days where I doubt.  I'm going to have days where I wonder how I'm going to pay a bill.  I'll have days where I wonder if I'm crazy for taking so big a risk.  I'll have days where I wonder if I should just give up.  But when I have one of those days, I'll bring it to the One who already has the answer and whose plans far exceed mine.  

We have to reach a point in our life where we realize that we are trusting in God for no other reason than He has called us.  Steven Curtis Chapman's song For the Sake of the Call says it best:  "Not for the sake of a creed or a cause.  Not for a dream or a promise.  Simply because It is Jesus who calls, and if we believe, we'll obey."  That's a hard place to get to sometimes.  At least for me.  I have dreams I am trusting Him for.  I claim promises that He gives.  I am the first to jump up and fight for a cause I believe in.  However, if I never get those dreams, if He chooses to delay fulfilling a promise, if the cause becomes worthless...will I still trust Him?  

It's a tough question.  It's easy to follow God when everything is going our way.  When the money is there, when relationships run smoothly, when the job promotion comes, when life is carefree.  But what happens when devastation hits?  A parent dies.  You lose a job.  The money appears to be running out with no relief in sight.  A relationship fails. I've faced each and every one of those situations at some point in my life.  And honestly, I can't always say I've chosen to still trust Him.  I have yelled and argued with HIm (it's ok...He can handle it).  I have doubted Him.  I have questioned Him.  I have begged and pleaded with Him.  Eventually, I always come back around and do trust Him.  But that's not enough.  My goal is to reach a point where I bypass all that middle stuff...the doubt, the questions, the arguing, the begging and pleading...and simply trust.  It's not like He hasn't proven Himself time and time again.  But it's a struggle...and one the enemy gloats over when I give in to it.  But my God is bigger than that.  And bigger than anything that comes my way.

So as I go through this week, my prayer is that I will trust God more fully.  That I will see the difficulty as my "testing by fire" and know that I will come out refined, stronger, better and more like the person He created me to be.  That I will choose to ignore the emotions and the attacks on my mind and choose to trust His promises.  That even if He delays in fulfilling His promises or holds off on granting the desires of my heart I will still trust Him.  That I will trust Him "simply because it is Jesus who calls" and not because of what He can do for me or give me.  That I will trust Him even in the quiet times, the dark times, the weary times.  And that He will stir the fire in my soul...even though it may bring momentary pain...because I know "our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory" (2 Corinthians 4:17).  I have found that when I focus on Him rather than on the blessings He bestows, I do trust Him even if...


Burnin' by Nichole Nordeman (not my favorite video but the song is what is important)


For the Sake of the Call by Steven Curtis Chapman

Timing Is Everything

For those of you who read my posts on Facebook lately, I apologize for all the (obnoxious) updating about my life I've been doing lately.  I know that I can go a little overboard when I get excited.  However, when God works in the ways He has been working, I can't help but get excited.  I have been so completely overwhelmed and humbled by every single moment of the past couple of months.  Things have happened that have been beyond my wildest dreams, but right in line with His.  And one thing I've learned is that timing is everything.  And His timing is perfect!

Nicole and I have had two meetings in the past week.  Meetings we were prepared for, but, as newbies to this private practice and business ownership thing, not completely sure of some things.  I will say that through this whole process neither of us has really been nervous or worried.  We've just had a peace and calm...knowing that this is what we are meant to do.  So last Friday we had a meeting with an amazing music school that truly "gets" what we do and would love to partner with us to offer Kindermusik classes.  They had a teacher that had been doing a first steps music program for the past year.  However, she has taken a full time job elsewhere and is leaving...which leaves a need for music classes for young children at the school.  Enter Nicole and I.  We went and did a cold call drop in a few weeks ago to introduce ourselves and explain what we were doing.  Long story short, we ended up scheduling a meeting with the owners.  The meeting went very well...beyond our expectations.  The owners are amazing people who not only love music and love teaching kids but also have a heart for kids with disabilities and understand their need to have opportunities to actively engage in music.  All involved believe that our partnership will be a good fit and will provide more music opportunities to more children in the area and fulfill a need for services.  So that was last Friday, and we are working on getting the details worked out.  We left that meeting on cloud 9 and feeling like we had been given a huge gift.

So this past Tuesday we had another meeting.  This one with a center that provides therapy for children with Autism and related developmental disabilities and their families.  We went into the meeting not sure what to expect but assuming we would have to do some educating on what music therapy is and how we can benefit their clients.  However, we were wrong.  When we got there, we noticed that several people started coming in...people we recognized from their website and being members of the Board of Directors.  So here we are, expecting to just meet with the director and have a little meeting...and we end up in a full blown meeting with board members!  Talk about overwhelmed!  The meeting was amazing!  Again, more people who get what music therapy is all about and are excited about what we can provide.  We went in the meeting expecting to make some contacts and set up another formal meeting once they had time to discuss it.  We came out with an offer for partnering with the clinic, a request to meet with their builder to discuss where we want our office and treatment rooms and an invitation to dinner tonight to meet with the full board and all the "important" people involved in the center!  This was HUGE!  It was all Nicole and I could do to get to the car in a dignified manner before breaking into a happy dance!  

And before either of these meetings, God has opened doors that have provided us studio space in Gulfport for music therapy services and Kindermusik classes and that have brought some wonderful, supportive people in our lives to help guide us through this process.  This stuff doesn't just happen!  Ever...  And there is nothing that I have done that made any of this happen...other than following God's leading to make a phone call or send an email.  But I have found that when I am obedient to do even those simple things, He will open the floodgates.

Nicole and I were talking on the ride back Tuesday about how timing is everything.  Had any one moment of the past six months been different in our lives, none of this would have happened!  Moments that were difficult.  Moments that brought tough decisions.  Moments that brought joy.  Moments that brought tears.  Each moment was a part of the bigger picture.  Every single moment...from people that I've met to decisions about when to quit a job to those phone calls and emails.  I truly believe God had a hand in each and every moment.

I often question God's timing.  I'm not a patient person by nature.  I've had people tell me I am...that I'm patient because I'll wait for things to work out in certain situations or because of the work that I do or whatever.  But I know me, and I am the farthest thing from patient...at least in my own mind.  I want what I want now.  I want my prayers to be answered immediately.  And if God doesn't answer them immediately, I want to know why and what is going to happen when.  But God doesn't work that way.  He takes His time, molding our lives in a way that brings Him glory.  And He has definitely taken His time in my life.  It used to frustrate me and depress me...why does He make me wait for things He knows I want so deeply?  Why won't He hurry up and give me the deepest desires of my heart?  Desires that I know have been placed there by Him.  But I forget...His promises are true, He is faithful and He can see what I can't.

Last night at church, we read several scriptures that spoke to these facts and that confirmed His timing is perfect.  Isaiah 55:8-9 says, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways...As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."  Proverbs 16:9 says, "In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps."  Wow.  

See, I struggle with God a lot.  I question and doubt and wonder what is taking so long.  But then I have moments like the past few weeks and months, and I can see the answers. He longs to give us good things.  This doesn't mean life is always roses and butterflies and rainbows.  Sometimes the path to those good things is filled with struggle and pain.  I've seen that in my own life and in the lives of people that I love.  Life is still life, and it's not meant to be one big joy ride.  But I have seen how God has taken each and every moment of my 39 years to shape me and mold me into the woman He created me to be.  It's a work in progress...a hard work.  But God has never left me...even in the darkest moments when I thought He had, He never did.  There are things I've prayed for that He chose not to give me...and to this day, I don't understand why.  I may never understand this side of heaven.  But my faith allows me to trust Him and His faithfulness in spite of the things I don't understand.  And I have to remember that this life isn't mine...it's His.  

I am a planner.  I plan, and I plan, and I make plans for the plans.  I'm a little OCD and definitely Type A.  But life over the past few months has taught me to be more spontaneous...to live life outside the box...to fly freely in God's grace.  Proverbs 16:9 reminds me that my plans don't amount to much when God has something so much bigger in store.  And I'm so thankful for that!

See God doesn't want us to settle for less than His best for us.  I've heard that so often but never really understood it.  I could settle for less, but why would I when He has so much more!  I've seen in my own life how, If would have settled for certain things and situations...things that I knew were not the best for me and were not God's plan for me...I would have missed out on some pretty awesome blessings He did have in store for me.  Now, I understand that I have been very blessed to be in the position I am to do what I'm doing.  I get that not everyone has the opportunity to take this big of a risk.  However, God can work wonders right where you are if you will only let go of holding on to your plans and let Him work out His plans for your life.  I've shared this before on a previous blog, but I was told by someone who has encouraged me along this journey that sometimes it's not about our plans.  Isaiah 55:8-9 says as much.  His ways and thoughts and plans are so far beyond our wildest imagination!  One of the men we met with also made the comment that his father had told him that we have to "let go of the dock."  We have to let go of what we are holding onto...things that weigh us down or keep us back from the blessings God has in store for us.  I've spent most of my life hanging on.  Hanging on to fear and doubt.  Hanging on to comfort.  Hanging on to my thought of "what if this goes wrong or I get hurt."  Hanging on to my thoughts of how things should go.  Hanging on to negative thoughts and allowing the enemy to flood my mind with irrational thoughts.  It's time to let go...  To let go and allow God to do what only He can do.  To dismiss the thoughts that say things aren't possible and trust the One who can do the impossible.

As the past few months have proven in my life, timing is everything and God knows what He is doing.  Even when it is taking longer than I think it should.  Even when I feel I'm getting too old to see a dream come to fruition.  Even when I don't see how something could be humanly possible.  Even when I have no idea where the next paycheck is going to come from.  God is bigger than all of that!  His timing is perfect and in His plan, everything happens right on time.  Age is just a number...God is not bound by my age...He can still give me those desires of my heart I think I need to give up on because I'm too old for them.  Even when things are humanly impossible, God can do the impossible...and, I've found, delights in doing those things we can't do ourselves.  And God's provision is always there.  Maybe not in the way or amount I want, but in a way that provides for my needs.  It doesn't mean that He gives us everything we want.  But if we will learn to align our hearts with His and seek His will, He will make our paths straight, show us where to go and will provide for all we need to fulfill HIS dreams for our lives.

The things He has shown me throughout my life, and especially over the past six months, have blown me away.  I'm still so far from the woman I need to be and still have a lot of growing to do.  And I still have moments of doubt and failure and questions and just bad days.  But God is faithful through it all and is composing each and every moment into a beautiful melody.  

If you are in a dry place, a place of waiting, a place of questioning if He is working out His plan in your life...hang on!  I know it's hard...trust me.  I've spent many nights crying out to Him and asking Him if He had forgotten me.  This world throws so many images at us of what is "normal" and where we should be by what stage in life.  Forget those things!  God's plan is way better than anything this world can offer!  Yes, I am still waiting on some of those deep desires, and I wonder almost daily what the hold up is.  But I've also realized that if God gave me everything all at once it would be too much for me to handle.  There are also things He may still need to work on before granting those desires...things in my life, things in someone else's life, things in the situation, whatever it may be.  And I have come to trust that it's in the quiet moments, those moments where it seems nothing is happening to move a situation forward, that He is doing some of His best work.  And He is working out things that are so far beyond my wildest dreams I can't even begin to comprehend it.  Because, let me tell you, when He started moving a couple of months ago, He moved!  And hasn't let up yet!  We can't see the full picture, but He can.  And He IS working out each and every moment...in His way...in a way that will bring Him glory and us joy.  

So trust Him and know that His timing is perfect...

I couldn't find a video for this song, but I love the lyrics!  He definitely has exceeded my expectations!

"Never Loved You More" by Nichole Nordeman

Well, you could take a cup and fill it up
And just keep on filling til it all comes
spilling down the sides
That's what You do in my life

Or you could watch the sky at sunrise
And see the clouds turn shades I never
knew could make me want to cry
That's what You do in my life
Never mind moderation
You exceed my expectations

I have never loved You more
'Cause You have never loved me less
Than the day before, or the day before
I have never loved You more

Have you ever tried to count the stars way up past Mars?
It will blow your mind
Don't even try to think about infinity
But that's how You love me

Much more than I can contain
A balloon once tethered to the ground,
But could not stick around to stay
Free to fly away
Never mind moderation
You exceed my expectations

I have never loved You more
'Cause You have never loved me less
Than the day before, or the day before
I have never loved You more

I have never dared to dream
Beyond what I've already seen
The day before, or the day before
I have never loved You more

Exceedingly, abundantly more

I have never loved You more
'Cause You have never loved me less
Than the day before, or the day before
I have never loved You more

I have never dared to dream
beyond what I've already see
The day before, or the day before
I have never loved you more 

Faithful Love

"Why should I gain from His reward,
I cannot give an answer.
But, this, I know with all my heart,
His wounds have paid my ransom."

As most of you know, I am now in private practice with a fellow music therapist in Gulfport, MS.  I haven't yet moved (hopefully that will take place early next year, or whenever God has it in the plans...I'm learning my plans don't mean much these days, which is completely fine), so that means I get to spend a few days a week driving either down to the coast or back home.  I say "get to" because I am one of those people who actually enjoys driving.  I guess after years and years of driving at least 40 minutes one way to and from work, I have come to cherish my travel time.  I often spend this time listening to music...usually a mix of songs that I have put together.  I have a ton of playlists with music varying from rock to Christian to folk to blues to pop.  I usually end up putting songs together that are a favorite at the time or that speak to me in some way or that are pertinent to something I'm dealing with.  I develop new playlists every couple of months or so, and it is always interesting to go back a couple of years and look at the songs I was listening to.  I can pretty much tell you what was going on in my life based on the music I was listening to.  

Well, a couple of months ago I was listening to some music and came across some older songs that I had by Nichole Nordeman.  Her lyrics are so, so good.  She truly has a gift for writing.  So after finding these songs, I decided to download a couple of her albums.  I'm sure I have the CD (or possibly even cassette tape - yep, I know, I'm old) somewhere, but trying to find it between my house here and my dad's house would be like looking for a needle in a haystack.  So I decided to just download them again.  

So back to my drive to the coast this past week.  I normally select one of my playlists and then hit shuffle.  This means that I don't always get to hear all the songs in the list.  But I like the "randomness" of this because I never know what song is coming on next.  But as I have come to find in life, nothing is ever really random.  At least not when you look at it from God's perspective.  So as I was driving down Highway 49, a song came on that I had never heard before.  It's an arrangement of a modern hymn written by Stuart Townend that Nichole Nordeman did on one of her albums.  The words are beautiful and haunting and spoke so clearly to me in that moment.  Each and every lyric is powerful (I'll post them at the end), but the last verse was what struck me...

Why should I gain from His reward,
I cannot give an answer.
But, this, I know with all my heart,
His wounds have paid my ransom.

Why should I gain from HIS reward?  The past couple of months have brought many good things into my life.  Things I could never have imagined.  God took my prayers, my deepest desires and then amplified them by a million and answered in a way I still cannot explain or comprehend.  And He is STILL working!  I have been so humbled by His goodness and provision.  There are things I cannot humanly explain that have fallen into place and that continue to happen.  There are people who have been placed in my life that have brought so much joy and goodness.  There has been provision that my human mind could never have seen.  And I have done NOTHING to deserve any of it.  

But God's love is like that.  He is faithful even when I am not.  He sent His only Son to die for me, to do what I could never do for myself, to pay my ransom.  Why?  It surely isn't because I've done anything for Him.  It's not that I could ever pay enough for my soul.  It's not that I love Him faithfully.  It's not that I'm good.  Because I haven't, I can't, I don't and I'm not.  But He is and has and can and does.

People come into our life with promises of love.  Parents, friends, spouses, significant others.  And we all mean well when we promise to love someone.  And we do our best.  But it's hard.  We are selfish at times.  We get frustrated.  We choose to only see one side of a situation.  We don't listen completely.  We get tired.  And things build and build and build until there is resentment or anger or we just give up.  But we are human, and the Bible says that God remembers we are dust.  He knows that we can't fulfill any promise of unconditional love...at least not without Him.  And we can't seek to find in another human being what can only be found in Him.  This isn't to say that our human relationships can't work and can't be successful.  But not in our own strength.  He has to be a part of it, the main part, for it to be possible.  I can't seek to find this kind of love in anyone or anything else.  That's a burden to big for any of us to bear in our frail, human frames. This kind of love can only be found in Him for He has promised, and He is faithful to His promises (Hebrews 10:23).  

See, it's nothing that I've done to earn His love.  He loves simply because He is love.  He loves because we are His children, and no matter what we could ever do, His love will never go away.  We can rest in that promise.  Isaiah 32:17-18 says, "The fruit of righteousness will be peace; the effect of righteousness will be quietness and confidence forever.  My people will live in peaceful dwelling places, in secure homes, in undisturbed places of rest."  

Undisturbed places of rest.  This doesn't mean that life will be easy.  That everyone we love will love us in return.  That life won't be hard.  That nothing bad will ever happen.  What it is saying is that God is faithful and will give us undisturbed places of rest.  This means that even when life is raging about us, we can have peace.  Undisturbed peace.  Peace that passes understanding (Philippians 4:7).  Because we know that whatever life brings, whatever attitude we have, whatever right or wrong we do...God's love is unchanging.  It is faithful.  HE is faithful.

I have no idea what this life will bring.  I know so far it has brought loss, heartache, grief, anger, love, friendship, goodness, bad times, prosperity, lean times, favor, not being favored and everything in between.  But the constant in it all is God's faithful love.  If He loved each of us enough to send His only Son to die and suffer hell so we wouldn't have to, undeserved on our part, what will He not do for us, His children whom He has ransomed and loves?  My hope isn't in my own ability to do well or in another human being or in a circumstance or in money or in anything this life brings. We have to realize this love can only be found in Him.  My hope is in Him and Him alone.  

My prayer is that you will experience His faithful love.  I promise you that even if life gets hard, He will still be there.  I promise you He will never leave.  I promise you He will never stop loving you.  You can have love that is faithful and true.  How deep the Father's love for us...

How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that left Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

Change Is a Comin'....

Since my last post on fear, as I predicted, I've continued to struggle with worry and doubt and fear on some level.  I've continued to struggle to choose to see the good rather than worry about what could go wrong.  I suspect that it will always be something that I struggle with in some way.  But I'm getting better, and God is proving faithful each and every time I cry out to Him.  And I'm going to need that assurance of faithfulness in the coming days...

Since I made it official this week, I guess I can share my news!  I am taking the biggest leap of faith I've ever made in my life.  I am quitting my current job in the middle of July and am going into private practice with my music therapy colleague, Nicole.  We are both getting certified in Kindermusik and hope to offer both Kindermusik classes and music therapy services to families on the coast.  I am very excited and completely overwhelmed at this opportunity at this point in my life!  It couldn't have come at a better time.  I will be done with graduate classes in February and then plan on moving to the beach (or at least in close proximity).  And all this means a big change is coming for my life...

Change is normally something I'm scared of.  I am a person who likes routine and likes to know what to expect and what is going on.  I'm not a huge fan of surprises.  And when I am aware that change is coming, I plan like crazy.  However, with this endeavor, I'm not afraid.  And I'm pretty sure it's because I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that this is the path I was meant to follow.  Some of my long standing dreams are coming true.

I turn 40 this year.  And I'm actually excited about that.  And I'm excited that all this change is happening in conjunction with that event.  God has placed people in my life and allowed situations in my life to guide me right where He wants me to be.  I don't have it all figured out by any means!  But I know and trust the One who does.  I used to view 40 as this "old" age or that if I hadn't reached all my dreams by then, life would be over.  But I'm finding just the opposite to be true.  I'm finding that I have confidence and motivation now that I didn't even have five years ago.  If you would have told me 10 years ago that this is how things would turn out, I would have laughed at you.  And then I probably would have wondered why it couldn't happen sooner.  But I can say that, had any single event or person been different, my life wouldn't be heading down this path.  God has planned each and every moment...beyond my expectation and imagination.

So at almost 40, here I am basically starting over, so to speak.  I've never been one to follow the "normal" road of life.  No marriage, 3.5 kids and the white picket fence all by 30.  The thought of getting married or having a child after 40?  Never in a million years would I have said I would be ok with that.  But now?  I am totally open to that and actually excited about the possibility.  (And let me make a disclaimer...No I don't have any immediate plans to do either before anyone reads anything into that or gets all excited...but God knows what His plans are concerning those things, and I trust Him that He will give me those desires of my heart.)  I've always been a late bloomer, and I've always marched to the beat of my own drum.  And I've always been my own individual.  Not to say there haven't been bumps along the way or that I haven't gotten discouraged.  However, I can look back at all of that and know that for my life to be turning out like it is now is very fitting and very "me."  And I wouldn't change a thing!  I still don't have all the answers, but I have a peace that I will get each answer I need at the appropriate time.  

Due to a few situations that were allowed into my life, I made the decision back in May to begin looking into other work options.  Long story short, in the matter of a week's time, I looked into Kindermusik, found an educator on the coast that needed another educator to help teach and registered to begin training.  Then the next week, I met with her and ended up having lunch with some other friends...which then turned into a discussion about private practice.  And since that time, each and every week (sometimes daily), opportunity after opportunity, lead after lead, open door after open door has been placed in my path.  I cannot even explain it or comprehend it.  I could not have planned any of this if I tried.  However, as I was told by a very wise man, "sometimes it's not about our plans."  And that is so true.  And now a month and a half after my initial decision, I am about to jump head first into private practice with Nicole and am making plans to move in the next 8 to 10 months.  So different from what my initial plan was when I moved to Hattiesburg...but exactly what I need and want to do.  Again, not my plan but His.

I have long had the dream of starting my own private practice.  And I have always wanted to work with children.  And I am now seeing those dreams becoming reality.  God just took me down a different road than I thought I would take to get to this point.  But I wouldn't change a thing.  If one single thing had been different, there are some very wonderful experiences I would have missed and some very special people I may have never met.  So I'm thankful that it's taken this long.  Never thought I'd say that!  But I'm learning that trusting God also means trusting His timing and His attention to each and every detail in my life.

There are other dreams I have for my personal life...dreams I've waited long for.  But dreams that I can see God working out.  Details that He's putting into place.  Changes He's making in me, to grow me and make me into the woman I need to be for what He has planned.  Things I could not have ever planned or imagined.  Things that have blown my mind because it is so far beyond and better than anything I could have asked for.  But, again, "sometimes it's not about our plans."  Now, I have no idea how things will turn out, but I'm hopeful.  And I know that regardless of the outcome, God will still remain faithful and will still provide all I need.  

I have no idea what the next year will bring.  I'm sure it will be full of very high highs and possibly some very low lows.  I know that I have a lot of hard work ahead of me and possibly some lean times.  But I know that I can't wait to see what God has in store!  I know that He has placed some amazing people in my life who have been so encouraging and supportive and have threatened to hurt me if I don't pursue this.  A close circle of a few who I know will have my back no matter what happens.  And with that and God by my side, how can I not jump wildly into this adventure?!

So as 40 approaches, I am embracing the changes that are coming.  I am embracing this path that God has so lovingly laid out for me step by step.  I know the changes that He has done in me, and I'm so thankful for His patience as I navigate through those.  That same wise man who told me it wasn't about our plans also told me not to look back and to embrace the future.  And that is just what I intend to do.  Embracing the changes....

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you a future and a hope."  - What better promise can you rest on?