This is a blog containing thoughts and ideas about life and things that God has shown me over the years. I hope it is uplifting and will cause you to think and draw closer to the Father.
Wow! It has been almost a year since my last post. And I have missed it. Not that I haven't had a lot to write about. I have. But I guess work and school and life have kept me pretty busy.
The past year has been a roller coaster. (Of course when have I not had a roller coaster year.) I've had some really high highs and some really low lows. As I read back over a few of my previous posts, I keep seeing the same pattern and same struggles. You would think I would have learned those lessons by now. And I will say that I have gotten better at some of those things. But I've learned that the thorns in my flesh, as Paul wrote about, are my anxiety and worry and insecurity. Am I really enough? It's a question that runs through my head at least once a week, if not more.
I've shared many times before the true desires of my heart...marriage and family and children being at the very top. I've also got other desires like opening a private practice and doing something with theatre and drama in some type of charity work for kids. And then there are the everyday desires like being a good friend, a good daughter, a good employee. And while I know I am very blessed, I still wonder why God allows some things into our lives. Things that are hurtful or confusing or painful.
Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope." Romans 8:28 says that all things work together for our good. And I believe this to be true. I trust my God to provide all that I need. I trust that He is working things out for my good. But there are days that I have my doubts.
There are days when I question Him. A lot. Why does He allow heartache? Why does He allow sickness? Why does He allow loss? Why does He allow all these things that bring us pain? I know we live in a broken world. I know that sin is all around. I know that things will never be right this side of heaven. But I still wonder why He allows things that start out as good and wonderful to turn into things that are sad and hurtful. My human reasoning thinks that if He knows a situation is going to turn out badly, He should just not allow it to happen in the first place. If He knows our heart has been broken beyond repair many times before, He shouldn't allow someone else to break it again. If He knows that someone has had more than their share of hurt and loss, He should give them a break and bless them with some good things. If He knows that someone has already lost one parent at a young age, He shouldn't take the other parent too early. And the list goes on...
But God is God. And His ways and His thoughts are higher than mine. He doesn't call me to understand. He calls me to trust. He doesn't call me to try to reason things with my human mind. He calls me to trust even when things don't make sense. I don't understand. And there have been times I've let Him know that. There are times that I've gotten mad at Him. And yes, I do tell Him. But He understands. And He loves me still and gently holds me without condemnation or judgement until the tears stop and the anger and fear subside. Because that's what Fathers do.
Matthew 7:11 says, "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" I have been blessed with an amazing earthly father. I know it is a blessing because I have friends who have had some pretty rotten dads. And when I read this verse, I realize that as amazing and supportive and giving as my own dad is, God is so much more. And if I believe that, then I have to believe Jeremiah 29:11 and Romans 8:28. I have to believe that He does have a plan, that He is working all things for my good and the He WILL give me the desires of my heart. My anxiety and doubt and questions come when those things don't come in my time. But to trust Him means to trust His timing. God is never late. Ever.
I don't know why I'm approaching 40 and marriage and children still haven't come into my life. Especially when I have friends younger than me who are getting to experience both. I don't know why my mom passed away before I could experience those things with her here. I don't know why I often feel that I am not enough. I have had some moments of tears and crying out to God to ask why. And I have yet to receive an answer to that. (Of course, if He did answer me I'd probably die from heart failure on the spot!) But I come back to the fact that I have to trust. My faith is not based on what God does for me on a daily basis or on what wishes He can grant. My faith is based on a love that went all the way to the cross to die for me. A love that conquered death and hell and rose again so that I might live forever.
Will I ever get those desires of my heart? I truly hope so. And I hope it happens soon. But my focus has to be on Him rather than on those desires. And I'm afraid that my focus sometimes wavers. More often than not, my focus lies on that which I don't have, that which I want so badly. But I'm working on that. It's a daily struggle. Wait, make that an hourly struggle.
I don't understand life. I don't understand why things can be so, so good and in one moment turn so, so bad. I don't understand why things happen as they do. But I do trust the One who understands and who is working it all out for my good.
The past couple of weeks there have been a couple of songs that have truly spoken to my heart. "Broken Praise" from The Story...it's a song based on the life of Job, and it has really been pertinent to my state of mind these past couple of weeks. Another one is "I Will Not Be Moved" by Natalie Grant. It talks about how life has been hard and bitterness has reared its ugly head. But no matter what happens I stand on Christ and will not be moved.
My prayer (for you and myself) is that whatever life is throwing at you right now you will seek refuge and shelter in the Father's arms and that you will learn to trust and not be moved...no matter what. That whatever struggle or doubt you face you will know you are deeply loved by the One who gave it all to save you.
As I write this blog entry, I am overwhelmed at two things. One is how great God is in His provision, power, love and ability to surprise the socks off me. The other is how I often forget that His plan and provision and love is sufficient. It seems I never will learn that lesson, yet He continues to bless me beyond measure.
About a month ago, I was at our regional music therapy conference with some friends and students. My friend and I were talking and it came up that my apartment lease was up in June and that I needed to remember to renew it. My friend mentioned that she was interested in renting out her house so that she could move closer to work and stop commuting. She really loved the house and wanted to keep it but would have to rent it out to be able to keep it while also renting herself. So I told her I would come look at it, but at that point I was kind of thinking I wasn't that interested. Little did I know that God was working out something that I was yet unaware of.
My friend had to leave the conference early due to her grandmother's illness and eventual passing (please continue to pray for her and her family). I came back home and resumed my routine. We talked several times over the next couple of weeks...about losing someone so special, about life, about TV shows, about other routine things. And I kind of forgot about the house. But then she asked me to come look at it. So I did. And I fell in love with it! It was more than I could ever imagine I would want in a house and the rent was cheaper than what I was currently paying. I asked all the questions about cost of electricity, insurance and everything else I needed to know. And the other bonus is that the set up of the house is perfect for starting a private music therapy practice...complete with a room I can use as my office/session room and doors to shut off the rest of the house when clients are there. I went home and began praying that God would give me guidance as whether or not to rent the house. I knew I wanted it, but I also knew that I wanted to look at it realistically and not rush into something based on feeling.
I called my dad, and he was excited about it and also began praying about it. Over the next week, God began to show me in the strangest and most exciting ways that this was something He had been working out for me. Things from money to issues at my apartment to finding out that my college roommate has family that lives right down the street to friends who are willing to help me move. The other issue we had to pray about was that my friend would find a house to live in where she worked. So we did. And she has received a very promising lead that will hopefully pan out this week (please be praying).
Some may think that this is no big deal...I'm just renting a house. But I see so much more! I see how before I even knew it, God was working out something that was so much better for me than I had planned. See, my plan was to just rent an apartment until I finished grad school and then see where life took me. I knew that I wanted to stay in this area and that I would eventually want a house. And I've been ok in the apartment...but it has never felt like home. I feel like I'm in a dorm. And though I never really voiced that until now, the Lord knew that and began planning something better. Somewhere I could feel like I was home and could entertain and cook and sit in my backyard and see music therapy clients. I see now that God has been in the details even before I knew I wanted a house.
I have just been overwhelmed this week at how good God is. Life has been tough these last few years, and there have been times I wanted to give up, times I've been upset with God, times I've doubted. But over and over, God shows His love and provision in ways I cannot even imagine...even in the midst of pain and sorrow and heartache. And I'm trying to learn this lesson. And at times I feel like a spoiled child who just isn't satisfied. I know God has blessed me beyond what I deserve, but there are still a couple of desires I have in my heart that I wish He would provide. Don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful...beyond what I can express. But I still long for those things.
However, God has used this past week and this situation with this house to show me in a very concrete way that His plans for my life far outweigh any I could have for my life. That doesn't mean I don't have days where I still doubt or wonder. Last night, I had a conversation with a couple other of my single friends wondering where the godly men were and why God hadn't brought them to us yet. And then I watched Courageous (if you haven't seen this movie, do it!) this morning and found myself again wondering where men with that kind of integrity and faith and compassion are or, if they are out there, why aren't they interested in me. I know they must be out there somewhere, but I still question why God hasn't blessed me with the one He has for me yet. But I know He has his reasons. I know His plans are higher and better than my own. I know that my God has something wonderful in store for me.
And if this past week is any indication, I know that when He does provide this desire of my heart, He is going to blow me away with how He does it. So I rest in Him, "expectantly hopeful" that He is, even right now, working on my behalf, willing to move heaven and earth to provide and show me how much He loves me. I am so thankful...thankful for parents who raised me to have faith in such an amazing God, who demonstrated in front of me what a Christian marriage should be and who loved me in such a way as to be a true example of God's love for me.
So I'm waiting expectantly, knowing that if God is willing to give me things I didn't even know I wanted in such an amazing way, He will also provide the desires of my heart... But until then, "I'll run into Your arms, the riches of Your love will always be enough..."
PS: This is the final scene from Courageous...and this is the kind of man I am asking God to send my way.
Today as I was driving back from a visit home, I was blasting some music and singing at the top of my lungs and having a grand old time. I love music. It is my life. I was born into a musical family and even chose a music based career (music therapy) as my life's work. I find such power in music and am always amazed at how God can use a song that I've listened to over and over and over again and show me something new.
My last post was written out of a dark place where I just felt like I was watching everyone else receive the deepest desires of their heart while I just sat and got passed by. Even though I'm in a much better place now, I still have moments where I feel that way. However, today, driving back, God spoke to my heart through a song...as He often does.
I was listening to Francesca Battistelli. I love her music and love to sing along to it. A lot of her songs have powerful messages. And one in particular had the message I needed to hear today. "The Time In Between' is song that I have listened to and sung over and over. I've always loved it, and I've listened and read the lyrics many times. However, today was different.
The song talks about the importance of the time in between events...the time in between Jesus' birth and death and the time He spent in between the two thieves on the cross and how those moments shaped Christianity and our lives forever. But it was the middle verse that stood out to me today.
As I've said before, Psalm 37:4 is one of my favorite verses and a promise of hope from God Himself. It says that if we delight in the Lord He will give us the desires of our heart. Now, I have studied this verse and thought of all the things it could mean...does it mean that He places the desires He has for us in our hearts or does he grant us the deepest desires we have for ourselves...and I believe it means a little of both. I've prayed that God would place His desires in my heart and that He would give me those things I so desperately want. Not things like material things...but things like a husband and children, things like a place where I can use music and counseling to help families affected by poverty and all that brings with it. Things like those that are not simply material things but things that I feel I was placed here to do or be a part of. And while I feel I'm on my way to some of those desires, there are others that seem so distant and make me wonder if I'll ever have them.
So back to the song. Like I mentioned earlier, my last post was kind of dark and depressing. But the devil has a way of attacking me in this area...by trying to tell me that Psalm 37:4 wasn't meant for me, by telling me that God is leaving me out of the happiness He bestows on others, by telling me I'm not worthy enough or good enough or pretty enough or thin enough or talented enough or whatever else I happen to be struggling with on any given day. And he hits hard! So today when I started singing along to the middle verse of this song, it was like God said, "see, I do have your best in mind and I WILL give you those desires in MY time and in MY way...even when you don't understand...and no matter what the devil tries to tell you, trust ME for every desire of your heart...both big and small."
See it's in these times of waiting that we grow and develop into the people God made us to be. It's not easy, and it's not fun. And I spend many days wondering what the purpose in the waiting is. But just as the potter places the clay on the wheel and forms it and then has to fire it in the fire to make it shine, God is forming and molding and shaping me. And even though I don't understand it or see it, there is a purpose in the waiting. And I have a choice. I can listen to the voice of the enemy or I can listen to the voice of my Father. On good days, that's an easy choice. But on those bad days, it's hard to drown out the lies and hear the truth.
The song says, "Don't take much for this crazy world to rob me of my peace. And the enemy of my soul says You're holding out on me. So I stand here lifting empty hands for You to fill me up again. But it's the time in between that I fall down to my knees waiting on what You'll bring. And the things that I can't see. I know my song's incomplete so I'll sing in the time in between."
So here I sit...still waiting. And waiting. And waiting. And I now that my song is incomplete...and until HE chooses to complete it, I'll keep singing. And trusting. And believing that He, who is my soul's deepest desire and who loves me more than I could ever comprehend, will bless me and fulfill me with every desire of my heart.
Warning: This post is not my usual chipper, uplifting, see the silver lining kind of post. :) Maybe by the time I get to the end it will turn into that...we'll see...
I'm struggling. Bad. It's been a tough weekend leading into this week. And I'm tired of struggling. But we are not home yet and struggle is the name of the game for now.
I am single. I am 38 years old. I lost my mom almost four years ago. I have no children. I have so many dreams for what I want in this life. However, here I sit. At 38. Single. No children. No Momma. And not any closer to where I thought I'd be by now than I was five years ago.
This past weekend I holed up in my apartment...which I know is not smart for me to do. Several years ago I was diagnosed with depression. I took some medication, went to counseling and got better. And it is something I continue to struggle with from time to time. I have become better at identifying what sets it off, what can lead to it and what I can do to stop it when I feel it coming on. Like NOT sit in my apartment by myself for over 48 hours straight.
The weekend started out fine. I cooked like a Paula Deen wannabe. I cleaned. I did laundry. I attempted to do homework. And I slept. However, as the weekend wore on, I became more and more homesick and depressed and sad and angry. I can truly look back at my move last summer and see that God had a hand in it. Things worked out too well for Him not to have been in control. However, since that time, my family has been dealt some hard blows. (I've written about that in previous posts and won't rehash it here.) And as I usually do, I play my part as the stoic one, trying to make sure everyone else is ok and keeping busy so I don't have to deal with how I feel.
See, I'm a stuffer. I stuff feelings. The year after my mom died, I spent almost a year stuffing down feelings. I did whatever I could not to think about it. And the outcome was not pretty. So the grief process took me about twice as long as it should have. See, feelings have to come out...either now or later. And if they come out later it can be pretty harsh. So all through last year, I stuffed. Again. And again. And again. And it all came rushing out this weekend.
So I sat. I thought. I pondered. And I sunk deeper and deeper into the pit of loneliness, self pity, anger and doubt. Then to top it all off, I had a dream Sunday night that I was shopping for my wedding dress with my Momma. Talk about a punch in the stomach! For years, while she was still living, I prayed that God would allow her to live long enough to see me married and to see her grandchildren and to see what God had in store for me. And then she was gone. Before any of that took place. I was angry for a long time about that. I thought I had dealt with that. But after that dream, all that anger and hurt and questioning came flooding back.
One of my favorite verses is Psalm 37:4 - "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." I have long clung to this verse. Not in the way of "God will give me whatever I want." But more in the way that if I live in Him and seek His way He will in His time give me the desires He has placed within my heart. I kept reminding myself of this promise. And I have questioned it before...but never as much as I do now.
See, life's not fair (not that you had any doubt). It's not fair that I don't have my Momma hear to help me pick out wedding dresses. It's not fair that idiots who abuse their children and who drive in cars without putting them in car seats and who call their children names get to have children while I sit here childless. It's not fair that people can be on their second marriage (due to death or divorce) while I haven't experienced my first (and hopefully only) marriage. It's not fair that people can talk about how their mother gets on their nerves while I just wish I could pick up a phone and hear her voice again. It's not fair that I've just seen my own daddy and three of my cousins experience the same loss of their moms this past year. It's just not fair. And that makes me sad and upset.
Trust me. I've heard all the pat answers. "God will work all things out in His time." (Yes, I know. But this doesn't help while I sit still waiting.) "When you stop looking, the right guy will come along." (People come on! Really? I haven't been "looking" for years.) "You need to focus on what God has blessed you with and stop looking at what you don't have." (Uh, huh.) "You can have the good memories." (I don't want memories. I want my Momma!). And on and on they go. And I, too, have been guilty of saying these exact things to other people. But they don't help. And my most hated phrase of all - "I know just how you feel." Um, no, you don't. You aren't me...so you have no idea how I feel. Just as I have no idea how you feel.
When you are in the pit of the despair and pain, words mean very little. What you really need is a friend to listen, to let you cry, to let you scream and to just be there. To say "I don't have the answers. I don't know what to say. But I will be here to hold your hand until you get through this." I know people mean well, but sometimes those words only make it worse. Sometimes we just need to be. Just to sit and cry and scream and be honest with God. Sometimes we need a "Jonathan." My cousin, Kimmie, sent me the sweetest text today and told me to read I Samuel 18:1-3. Jonathan loved David as he loved himself. We all need people who love us unconditionally and who are there through the tough times.
This morning driving to work, there was thick fog everywhere. And the songs that I kept playing over and over were Steven Curtis Chapman's "Jesus Will Meet You There" and "I Will Trust You." And God spoke so clearly to my heart. Just as I couldn't see the road very far ahead of me, I knew that my destination was there. And I knew He could see beyond what I could. And He knew where He was leading me. But at that moment I could only go so far. And He was willing to meet me there and guide me the rest of the way.
And that is how life is. During this moment of struggle, I can't move. I can't see beyond the fog. I can't see how all of this is working out for my good. I don't understand why God has withheld from me the things that I so deeply desire. Not things that I want just to have. Not material things. But actual desires I truly believed He placed in my heart. I know He gives and He takes away. But I'm getting a little tired of the taking away part. Or the withholding part.
And God understands. Jesus will and does meet me in that moment. In this moment. And He asks for nothing but honesty and trust. See I don't question my faith. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt I have been saved by the blood of Jesus. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt I will see my family again. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt He is with me every step of the way. My faith isn't what is waivering. My doubt comes in when I think back over Psalm 37:4 and wonder why I haven't received those desires...some of which I will never receive. I doubt that some of those promises are meant for me. My head knows they are. But my heart is broken and a little skeptical right now.
And that's ok. See, we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalities and darkness and forces of evil. And I know this very well. I am an emotional, passionate person. When I feel something, I feel it with every fiber of my being. And while this is who God made me, the devil also knows this...and he loves to torment me in this area of my life. I guess you could say this is becoming the "thorn in my flesh" as Paul struggled with. He begged God to take it away, but He never did. So this battle is not against man. It's against a force we cannot see. And it's brutal. And exhausting.
But we are not home yet. We were not made for this world. And as I sit here, still struggling, still hurting, still questioning, still doubting...I know that He is here in the midst of it all. I know that I am not ever going to be comfortable here. And maybe that was the purpose of this past weekend and few days.
See, I'm sad that I don't have a family of my own yet. I'm sad that my mom won't be here if I ever do get that. I'm sad that there is so much pain in this world and I can't do anything to ease that pain. But I'm not home. I'm not meant to be content here. This past weekend I so, so missed my family. And still do. I ached to see them and hear their voices. I miss my dad. I miss Bryce and Noah. I miss everyone else back home. I'm homesick. But as more and more of us move from here (earth) to there (heaven), I'm becoming homesick for my real home. Because I also ache to see my loved ones there and to hear their voices again. And I'm so ready to see my Father and have every question answered and every doubt erased.
I'm so thankful that no matter my struggle, no matter how angry I get, no matter how I argue that life is not fair, God never waivers. He is there, and He is faithful. And He understands. He can handle my anger, my questions, my doubts and even my arguing with Him. The Bible is full of stories of people who struggled. People who questioned. People who doubted. People who argued with God. And in that, we are all kin, this human race of ours.
Will I ever get the desires of my heart? I have no idea. The way it's looking lately, I'm thinking probably not anytime soon. But then I'm reminded that the greatest desire of my heart is eternity in heaven with my Savior and Father and Creator. And that far outweighs any other desire I have. And I have to trust Him even when I don't like where the road is leading. Because only He can see through the fog of this life and lead me, through the struggle, safely home.
Happy 2012! My prayer this year is that it is way better, less painful, more joyful, less loss, more laughter than 2011. But my verse I'm trying to focus on this year is Job 1:21. Whether the Lord gives or takes away, blessed be His name. Trusting that His plans far outweigh my own. And I've decided I'm done making New Year's resolutions or trying to "fix" myself...because I'm me and I will always be me. At 38 I'm finally accepting that and embracing the person God created me to be.
So, with that being said, I've made a "Things I Want To Do" list for this year. Along with not making resolutions, I also don't want to make a bucket list. I'm one of those people who has to work in small increments...lose 10 pounds at a time, complete one assignment at a time, make a list and focus on taking care of each thing one at a time. If not, I get overwhelmed and sit spinning my wheels. And if I make a bucket list, I'll keep putting off doing the things on it. So, my new goal is to make a list of things I want to do for the year.
This post is probably a little less "spiritual" than my usual blog posts. At least in the sense that I am not focusing on a specific verse or song or whatever. But I believe God is God even of the mundane, simple, everyday things of life, too. And once you see this list...you will realize I'm going to need a miracle to accomplish some of these... :) So here goes... (This is in no particular order.)
1. Trust God more. Stop doubting that He has my best interests at heart. He WILL give me the desires of my heart...in HIS time. Knowing that He has not forgotten me, and He knows the number of the hairs on my head. Even when I don't believe it...even when I doubt it...even when worry sets in. This is going to require a LOT of prayer and seeking Him...especially in those times when life doesn't make sense.
2. Go Ziplining. Now if you know me, you are probably shaking your head and saying, "What??" Yes, I am afraid of heights. But I also know this looks exhilarating and fun. And part of that goal of trusting God more includes not being afraid anymore. So I want to go ziplining. Anyone want to go with me?
3. Take a trip to Seattle. I've always wanted to go...amazing music and art scene. And I have a friend who lives there and has invited me numerous times to come visit. But I always find an excuse to put it off. Not this year. If I can afford it, I'm going. So Sang...get ready, cause here I come!
4. Buy a bicycle and start riding. I've been wanting to buy a good bike for awhile now. I was always afraid to ride down my road back home because we lived in the country and people drove like crazy people down our road. However, now that I've moved, I know there is a biking trail close to where I live. I would love to find someone to ride with...because it's always more fun and safer with a friend. But even if I don't...I'm going to push myself to do it anyway. Which is another part of that first goal of trusting God more...not being afraid to do things by myself...or maybe that needs to be a goal all of it's own...so...
5. Not being afraid to get out and do things on my own. I'm a shy person by nature. I just do better when I have someone to do something with. But life has turned out that I am on my own often. So I would like to push myself to get out there. Whether it's going shopping, riding my bike, trying a new church, going to a movie or concert or show, going to eat at Olive Garden if I get a craving for it...whatever it is...to not be afraid to do things by myself from time to time.
6. To be more active, lose weight and get healthier. This is often a goal, but this year I'm trying to change my mindset so it sticks this time. I'm starting Nutri System to help jumpstart this and plan on making activity part of each day...not necessarily formal exercise. Because I hate to exercise. But if I can make it fun...like walking with a friend or riding a bike or whatever...I'm more apt to do it. I'm not getting any younger and I've got to take care of myself. I'm also approaching it from the standpoint that my body is the temple of the Lord...and filling it with crappy food and not being active is a sin. I've got to do better with this. And I feel better when I'm healthy.
7. Go abseiling. Again, if you know me, this has you scratching your head. But it looks very cool! If you don't know what this is...it's basically rappelling down the side of a cliff. I don't know if I can do it, but it looks so empowering to try. So again, any takers who want to go with me? I know I need to take care of #6 before I can try this one...
8. Declutter and organize. I am the queen of clutter. I mean, I keep my apartment clean and try to put everything in its place. But I'm also a stacker. I keep stuff in stacks...and I know exactly what stack something is in. But I'm trying to work on this. A fellow music therapist introduced me to the 2012 Declutter and Organize Calendar. And she started a group on Facebook where we can talk about it! This helps you do one thing each day so that hopefully by the end of the year you are organized and the clutter is gone. This has always been a losing battle...but not this year. As my life gets busier, I need more order to function. And if you know me, you know how OCD, ADD and Type A I am. :) So this will be a wonderful thing!
9. Complete my guest room. I have a spare room that right now houses the boxes I have yet to unpack (see #8). This year I want to take some time to clean it, decorate it and set it up. It will kind of double as an office, too. That way when my dad or Bryce and Noah or whoever comes to visit (and you better come visit) they have an actual room with a bed to stay in.
10. Find a creative outlet for singing, playing and sharing music. I would love to find a group of people to hang out with and just jam with. I learn so much when I just play with other musicians. I'm not that great on guitar, but I'm improving. And I love to sing. So I want to find some folks who share my passion for music and who just like hanging out and jamming. And maybe even do a performance or two...
11. Get back to writing songs. When I was younger, I used to write songs all the time. Granted, they weren't always good. But I loved it and it helped to get stuff out rather than stuff it. So this year, I want to get back to writing. Now that I'm a much better guitar player...well the fact that I actually play now...I want to make writing songs a priority. Even if no one else hears them, I'll know I wrote them. And maybe one day God will bless me with the opportunity to share them.
12. Begin some type of volunteer/community work. My dream is to one day open my own music therapy/counseling practice and provide services for people living in poverty, struggling with addiction and who are affected by HIV/AIDS. I did some music groups with children at Hope House in Memphis, TN for about a year. These kids touched my life so deeply, and God used this opportunity to show me His heart for people struggling with these things. I'd love to also have some type of community center for children affected by these things, as well. So, if I'm going to do this one day, I need to get out there and learn and meet people and start doing my part to make a difference. I still want to work with people with intellectual disabilities, too...and I know that those with disabilities who are also affected by poverty don't have the resources they need. So this year, I want to find somewhere to volunteer some time and music therapy services and give back.
13. Start looking into adoption. This is a biggie! My life is nowhere near where I thought it would be at 38 years old. The plan was to be married and have at least 4 kids by now. But I make plans, and God laughs. Because He has something so much better. But here I sit desperately wanting to be a wife and a mother...and I don't see either one in the near future. The wife part? I can't really do anything about that...well, I could...but I don't believe in getting married just to get married, and I'm picky and refuse to settle for less than God's best for me. So I guess I'll just have to trust He'll give me that desire of my heart at some point...hopefully sooner than later...but I'll just have to wait and see. As for the mother part? That, I can do something about. I really do believe that a child should have two parents if at all possible. However, I also know there are children out there who need a good home, and I know I would be a good mom. So, I'm praying about this and weighing my options. I've wanted to adopt a little girl from China for years now...and even started the process awhile back. But due to finances and life circumstances it just didn't happen. So I'm going to look into that again. I also would love to adopt a child with Down's syndrome or special needs. Yes, I know it is a life long commitment...but I know I can do it. Especially if God calls me to do it. Who knows? Maybe God will bring me someone wonderful along the way and we can do this together (and maybe have one of our own)...but if not, I'm not going to let that stop me. God knows His plans...and I will trust Him.
14. To do better at applying myself in grad school. It still sounds weird that I'm even in grad school. And I haven't done badly. I just want to do better and apply myself more and stop procrastinating assignments. Of course, I also accept the fact that being a procrastinator is just part of who I am, and I always do better work under pressure. But that also brings a lot of unneeded stress. So I'm going to work on that.
15. Go parasailing. Again. I have been once, and it was amazing! My fear of heights totally disappeared. It was the most peaceful and beautiful experience...kind of like what I imagine it would be like if you could fly. Again, I'll be glad to have someone go with me!
16. To update my blog on a more regular basis. The reason I started this blog in the first place was because I love to write, or rather NEED to write. And I felt God leading me to share with others what He has shown to me. My hope is that the reader will find at least one sentence that helps them in some way. I know there have been times I've gone through something and just being able to know someone else has been there too has been what got me through it. We are not alone in this journey of life. The Bible tells us we are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses that cheers us on. And I believe we are to help each other along this journey. So if even one person has their spirits lifted, finds an answer, feels less alone...I've accomplished my goal in writing. So I want to make a commitment to update more.
Well, that is the list! As I've written, it's grown. And it is a lot to accomplish in a year. But with God's help, I know I can do it. See, it's more about what His plans are for me anyway. This past year has shown me that. The last few years have been tough...full of pain and loss and hurt. But there have also been good moments...times of laughter and joy and new things. God makes beauty out of the ashes of this life.
I hope that 2012 will be a year full of the beauty God is making out of my ashes and out of your ashes. Happy New Year!
For 2012 I decided that, instead of making New Year's resolutions that I never keep, I'm making a "Things I Want To Do This Year" list. I will write a post just on that list next week. But as I started making the list I began to reflect on this past year and on the person I am becoming. And let me tell you, this past year has been one heck of a year! One I do not care to revisit anytime soon.
A couple of weeks ago, I found a live webcast of The Story. I had honestly never heard of this but Max Lucado and Steven Curtis Chapman were a part of it, along with several of my other favorite Christian artists, so I knew it had to be good. So for the next three hours I weeped, laughed, thought. And God began doing something in me. Now, I'm not one who believes in coincidence. I'm one of those annoying people who believes there is a reason for everything and that nothing happens by chance. Sometimes this can be a good thing. But sometimes it does cause me to read into stuff way too much. But I'm working on that.
Anyway, the music and videos used in the presentation were so powerful. I immediately downloaded the CD and ordered the book (which is the Bible in story form). And while I watched Steven Curtis perform, I remembered all his family had been through with the loss of his daughter and remembered that his wife, Mary Beth, had written a book about it. So along with The Story I also ordered her book Choosing To See and his album Beauty Will Rise. Little did I know how God would use that book and this music to touch my life, to bring healing, to increase my faith and strength, to speak to my heart like never before.
In my previous post I recapped the year and talked about all our family had been through during 2011 as well as some personal stuff I dealt with. I won't rehash all that here...you can read the previous post for details. However, 2011 has left me hurt, raw, emotional, broken, confused, angry, questioning, doubting and wondering what in the world God was doing. But it has also brought a deeper faith than I have ever known as well as comfort and peace and healing.
Along with losing three close family members within six months of each other, my dad having surgery and making a major life change with a move, new job and school, I also dealt with an issue in my personal life. It wasn't anything earth shattering. Nothing that doesn't happen to everyone else at one point or another. But it rocked me to my core...more than I wanted it to and way more than I expected it would.
In the early moments of this heartache I kept thinking it was like God had given me exactly what I had been praying for, the desire of my heart and exactly what I wanted. And then it was like He snatched it back and said, "nope I was only joking." And I kept telling myself, "God doesn't work like that." Surely, God, who loves me more than I can comprehend and who works all things out for my good wouldn't take away this precious gift. God doesn't give you something and then take it away. Or does He....
It took awhile for me to get the answer...not the one I wanted to hear...but the one I needed to hear. The issue I faced reared it's ugly head at the end of October, hid for a few weeks and then came back with a vengeance at the end of November. I felt as though I'd been the butt of a really cruel joke...you know the kind where everyone in the room knows what is going on except you? Yeah, that was me. However, exactly a week after that awful night, at about the exact same time, The Story live webcast aired. Coincidence? Not a chance!
About halfway through the webcast I was already in tears. And then the song "Broken Praise" was sung. It was the song that represents Job and his story. I have never heard a song so raw and so real that fully expressed how I felt...not only after this bad moment but how I'd felt many times since my mom died in 2008 and certainly how I'd felt many times this past year. But there was a line in the song that says, "You are the one who filled my cup and You are the one who let it spill so blessed be Your holy name if You never fill it up again." And there was the answer. Not what I WANTED to hear, mind you, but what I NEEDED to hear.
Last week I got Mary Beth's book and Steven's CD in the mail. If you do not know, they lost their daughter in a tragic accident in 2008...a few weeks before my Momma passed away. I remember reading some of Mary Beth's posts and comments and felt I really connected with her. We were both going through a similar pain...a loss that was beyond words. And she got it. She felt what I was feeling. I've started reading the book this week...and four chapters in, I'm already crying. As I read, I feel in parts I am reading my own story. I've also been listening to Steven's CD non stop.
On the CD all of the songs are songs that have to do with loss and healing and trusting God even in the dark moments when you don't want to. There is one song called "Faithful" and it has a line that says, "You are faithful. When You give and when You take away even then still Your name is faithful....and with everything inside of me I'm choosing to believe You are faithful." And again, came a reminder of that answer I needed.
Job 1:21 says, "...the Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." Now I have not experienced tragedy and loss of Job's proportion. But I have experienced a lot of it lately. And I know I'm not alone.
See, God has used all of these situations and circumstances and songs and books and webcasts to speak a real truth to me. One I don't always accept willingly. God is God. He is sovereign. And He DOES give and He DOES take away. So my flawed belief...the one that told me that surely He wouldn't bring this seemingly wonderful thing into my life and then take them away just as quickly in such a hurtful way....that belief didn't hold water anymore. God does what He knows is best. That doesn't mean I have to like it. It doesn't mean I have to understand. It doesn't even mean I have to agree it's right at the time. But God knows what He is doing and He is in control.
And not only in this seemingly (in light of everything else that has happened) insignificant event. But also in the sudden and unexpected loss of loved ones. Or whatever we face in this life. God has shown me that I have a part in His story. And so do you. And so has everyone who has gone before us and everyone who will come after us. We are all running this race together. II Corinthians 1:4 says, "(the God of all comforts) who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." It is these common things of life...the pain, the joy, the loss, the crazy, that bind us together as human beings. And that point us back to the One who holds it all in His hands.
I want so many things in this life, but up until here recently I have been afraid. Afraid to really live. Always seeing the glass as half empty rather than half full. Afraid of what could happen. Always waiting on the other shoe to drop. Afraid to be happy because of what could go wrong. I question why God hasn't given me the desires of my heart yet. I get angry and sometimes jealous when I see friends who seem to be getting the very things I long for and wonder when it will be my turn.
But that is not living in faith. Living in faith means trusting the God who gives and who takes away...and praising His name regardless of what He chooses to do. Living in faith means knowing He has our best interests at heart and that He IS working all things out for our good. And sometimes it means He may have to take away...maybe to teach a lesson, maybe to draw us to Him, maybe to show us what we truly want and need versus what we thought we wanted and needed. But He gives so much more abundantly than we could ever imagine.
I'm still trying to figure out what the purposes of the trials of this life are. I may never know this side of heaven. But I know God is faithful. And I choose to say, "Whether the Lord gives or takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord." It's not easy. It doesn't come without struggle and tears. It doesn't come without questions and doubt. But He is faithful.
In the song "Beauty Will Rise" are these lyrics: "This is our hope. This is the promise that it would take our breath away to see the beauty that's been made out of the ashes...Out of these ashes, beauty will rise. We will dance among the ruins. We will see with our own eyes." Another song "I Will Trust You" says, "and I know Your plans for me are much better than my own."
If we could only see as God sees. If we could see the bigger picture. If we could see what awaits us in Heaven one day and see how all these loose ends tie together, how He's weaving it all into a great tapestry. If we could see all the dreams He is dreaming in us and for us and through us. If we could just see that His plans blow ours out of the water. But we can't yet see, so we have to trust and hope and praise His name...especially when He gives...and even when He takes away.
(If you have suffered loss or are currently going through a difficult time, I would suggest you listen to Steven Curtis Chapman's Beauty Will Rise CD. It has been a great help in beginning the healing process...even of hurts I have stuffed down for a long time.)
Here are some songs that God has used greatly in my life in the past month...some are from The Story and some are from Beauty Will Rise. I know I posted a bunch...but they are all worth listening to. I pray they will bless you as they have me.
The title of this post says it all...what a year! In all my almost 38 years, I don't think I've ever experienced so many ups and downs, so much joy and pain all in one year. I normally wait to post my "end of the year" blog closer to the end of December. But today has found me in a reflective mood and so I felt like writing.
I have not blogged as much this year, and for that I apologize. I really do love posting here but life has gotten in the way a little. One of my goals for next year is to get back to this blog. I'm not sure if it blesses anyone or if anyone gets anything from it, but it serves as my own personal journal of reflection. And I pray with each post it will touch someone somewhere...I figure if God has shown me something, He expects me to share it to possibly pass it along to someone else.
So back to this year. Today I woke up with such a feeling of peace, contentment, excitement about the future and true joy. Which is odd considering the year I've had. But for the first time in my whole life I think I am finally truly learning to be content in all circumstances. (Philippians 4:11-13) Truly content. Wholly trusting in God no matter what is going on.
This year began much like any year but quickly hit hard, fast and furious. I made the decision to leave my job of nine years, my family and friends and move four hours away to start a new job and begin grad school. It was a tough decision that was made after many hours of prayer and tears and thought. But I knew God was leading me to make a change, make a move and to step out in faith like never before. So I listened and followed...terrified I would fall flat on my face. So I began making plans to give my notice and make the move.
In the process, I began looking for a job. Dr. Cotten and I put in for a grant that would allow me to do contract music therapy in the Hattiesburg area. This way I could work my own schedule and go to class at night. I prayed a lot about this...I mean, I wanted to be able to eat and have a place to live so money was a necessity. And then we received word. We didn't get the grant. So on to plan B. I was getting down to the wire...not wanting to turn in my notice at Baddour until I had a job secured and I was nearing the deadline to apply for grad school. I needed a job and needed it now! At seemingly the last moment, Dr. Cotten called with a job possibility. I came down here and interviewed and was offered the job. God knew all along what His plan was...but I believe this was the beginning of this test of faith that this year has turned out to be.
My new job has turned out to be a challenge but to be so rewarding. And it has brought some wonderful new friends into my life. Friends who have been exactly what I needed over these last few months. Friends who have accepted me as I am. I truly love the people I work with and know they are there if I ever need anything.
I had the job...now on to get accepted to grad school. Which meant I had to take a test! I do not like tests...especially standardized tests on computers. I consider myself of average intelligence, but these tests freak me out. So again, I prayed. A lot. And again God was faithful. I passed with flying colors and got the score I needed to get into school. So I was on my way. My family was healthy and doing well...so I didn't have hesitation about leaving and moving away.
See, I had stayed close to home all these years to be close to my parents. My mom was sick for so many years...the result of the horrible affects of diabetes on her body. Heart surgeries, congestive heart failure, depression/anxiety, her body just getting tired and giving out. And I wasn't going anywhere. I wanted to be close to be there for her and my dad and help however I could. Which is what you do for your family. So after she passed away, after I began to heal from that loss, I began to think about my own life and my own dreams and what I wanted to do. And so plans were made. My dad was in good health, my granny was doing well and the rest of my family appeared to be doing well, too.
And then once again, life hit. In April, my granny was admitted to the hospital with an apparent heart attack and had to have a stint put in. We were worried but she pulled through and was back to her old self in no time. The very next day, as Granny was in ICU, my aunt came to the ER. She had been having major pain in her knee for awhile and had gotten to the point she had to use a wheel chair to get around. They had run tests and done x-rays and thought it was gout. However, on this day, our world began to cave in even more. They did an x-ray on her knee. I remember sitting in the waiting room and my cousin, Kimmie, coming out grabbing me and telling me to call her sister and then collapsing outside. Cancer. Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer. It was everywhere.
Over the next couple of months, God used my Aunt Brenda to witness and share His love with everyone who came to visit. But she was very sick and the prognosis wasn't good. Such devastation. Such pain. During this time, Granny came home and was getting back to normal but of course I worried. I began to doubt my decision to move...wondering if I needed to stay put to be there for my family. I knew the pain of losing a mother...a pain like no other...and I wanted to be there for Adrianne and Kimmie. And I knew Daddy would probably need help taking care of Granny. And the doubt crept in. So again...lots of prayer and tears and thinking. But I knew God was still leading me to move. So I trusted in spite of the doubts.
By June, my aunt had gotten much worse. She passed away at the end of the June. In two short months, we had lost another member of our family. And life got harder. Much harder. But, as we would come to find out, it was only the beginning.
At the end of June I was also preparing to say goodbye to the Baddour residents I had come to love so dearly. It was tough to leave them...they had become part of my family. So it was like I was going to be leaving two families behind. I moved in mid-July and began my new job.
Even though there was pain with the loss of my aunt and leaving the residents behind, I was excited about this new chapter in my life. I started my new job. I began making new friends and reconnecting with some old friends. My dad, Kimmie and my friend, Beth all helped with moving me in my apartment, and I was able to make it my own cozy little space.
Then one night at the end of July, 2 weeks after I moved, my phone rang. It was my Daddy. My granny had just died. And again, more pain and devastation. Yes, she was 91 and had lived a long good life. But after the scare in April, she appeared to be doing well. And here I was four hours away...wasn't there when it happened, wasn't able to be there with my dad. But again, God was there. And He provided what was needed. Our family was able to be there with him that night and help out. I left first thing the next morning and headed home. The next week we spent going to Texas to bury her and to take care of things there. It was hard to leave to come back to Hattiesburg. I hated leaving my dad there alone. Again, more prayer, more tears...and again, God was faithful.
But life wasn't through throwing us curve balls. In August, I received a call from a friend from Baddour. My favorite resident's mom had just passed away unexpectedly. And I couldn't be there. Then later that same week, I got a call from home again. Cancer. Again. My Aunt Diana was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer, and again, the prognosis was not good. So here we were again. Less than six months after my Aunt Brenda had passed away. And I know I began to question God like never before. What was going on?! So again, prayers, tears and seeking God.
The next couple of months were difficult but life seemed to get back to some sense of normalcy. There were trivial trials interspersed here and there but it seemed calm for a bit.
Then in November, my friend Beth came to visit. And God's timing was perfect. Because while she was here, my phone rang one Saturday morning. It was my Aunt Nancy. My dad was in the ER with severe pain and they weren't sure what was wrong. Here we go again! Of course I was scared. So I loaded up and headed back home. By the time I got there we found out it was his gall bladder. So he was scheduled for surgery. They came and took him to surgery that Monday morning. And there I sat alone...worrying. See the last time I had been at the hospital with one of my parents was with my mom...they took her down for a procedure and she never came back. So I just prayed and cried some more and did my best to trust God. Thankfully, Daddy did great and was home later that night.
During this time at home, I got to go see my Aunt Diana. We had a good visit, and she gave me an angel from her collection. That angel sits on top of my Christmas tree this year. And again, God's timing was perfect. Because two weeks later, a couple of days before Thanksgiving, she went home to be with Jesus. And again, we lost a part of our family. And my heart ached for my uncle and cousin. Again, losing your mom is like no other pain. And I knew it was going to be tough for them. When I got home, they asked if I would sing for the service. I was honored to do so. The song they chose was "I Bowed On My Knees and Cried Holy." As our family came together yet one more time to say goodbye, I stood there and realized that we had lost almost half of our family in the past few years. And as I sang the line "my loved ones all met me there" I couldn't help but think of them all up there waiting on all of us to get there. And while there is pain because they are no longer here, there is peace in knowing we will see them again.
This year has also brought smaller, seemingly less significant challenges...but things that have affected me to my core nonetheless. I've also been hurt by people who I trusted and thought were friends...a situation that could have been averted had communication and consideration of others been a priority. I am sure I have hurt people along the way, and for that I am truly sorry. I have made missteps, taking wrong turns and sought my own way. I have had days where I felt worthless and ugly. I have had days where I've felt so alone. I have had my share of bad days, have had my doubts and questions. I also started grad school and been stressed beyond my point. But I've also had some good days. I've met some wonderful people. I've been reminded how great the friends I have are. I've grown to love my family more than I ever thought possible. I've had days where I have believed I am worth more than I could comprehend and days where I actually felt I was a beautiful person...because of who I am on the inside. And my faith has deepened beyond what I ever thought it could. And God has been Lord over all those days. Mandisa has two songs on her latest album that have ministered to me so much over these last months. One is called "The Truth About Me" and talks of how much better we would be if we would only learn to see ourselves as He sees us...beautiful, worth more than diamonds and loved. The other is called "These Days" and talks about God being God of our joy and pain. And He truly is there in every one of these moments...good and bad, joy and pain, tears and laughter.
And here we are...almost at the end of the year that seems it will never end. Yet God has proven faithful. It has been a year of loss and great pain. It has been a year of change and some joy. It has been a year where my faith has been tested beyond what I ever thought it could. And here I sit tonight, at peace and completely trusting God for every moment. When you go through such devastation, you realize that, with God by your side, you can make it through and come out on the other side OK.
People have made the comment that our family has been through more than our fair share. And maybe we have. But what exactly is a fair share? Even though it's been tough and there were days I was ready to give it all up, I'm blessed beyond measure. And there are those who have it so much worse than I do. I have a family that loves me. I have friends who love me and have encouraged me and supported me and talked me through the rough days. I have been blessed with a Christian heritage of people who have lived their lives as an example for me...those who have now joined that great cloud of witnesses who cheer me on each day as I travel on this journey toward Home. (Hebrews 12:1-3) I have a roof over my head, food to eat and a warm bed to sleep in. And I have a Savior who came to earth, lived this life and died to save me. He loves me with a love beyond my comprehension. And He calls me, and each of us who are His, to share that love with a hurting world.
So when life hits...when we lose our loved ones to ugly things like diabetes and cancer...when people let us down...when life throws those curve balls...God is still there. He is faithful. And nothing is a surprise to Him. Nothing has come to my life that hasn't first passed through His hands. Yes, I've doubted. I've yelled at and fought with Him. I've had people tell me I can't get mad at God...well, yes I can. And have. And before it's all said and done, probably will again. But He's God. And He can handle it. And I know this because it's been after these struggles with Him that I've come out on the other side with a deep abiding peace. He wants our honesty, He wants our hearts, He wants us just as we are.
I'm not sure what next year will bring. Or if we are even done with our trials for this year. I know God has big plans for my life...as He does for yours. I know I have dreams and plans and desires of my heart yet to be fulfilled. I dream of marriage and children. I dream of starting a foundation here locally that will provide services for families who struggle with poverty, addiction, HIV/AIDS and other things that rob their peace and joy. I dream of finishing my Master's degree and being able to help more people. I dream of so much more and know that God will provide what I need, when I need it to accomplish HIS will for my life. The hard part is the waiting and trusting even when I don't see. But this year has been a big lesson in that waiting and trusting.
So through all the trials of this year, God has remained the one constant in my life. After a year of so much loss and pain, you begin to really know what is important in life and what truly matters in this life. I posted this quote on my Facebook page earlier this week...I was sitting looking at my little Christmas tree and was just overwhelmed with emotion. So I thought I'd close this post with it. I also have included a couple of videos...one is a song that my friend Ruth posted earlier today...a new song to me but a powerful one that explains nothing is wasted in the hands of the Redeemer...He works all things for our good. One that is dedicated to my family, friends and precious Savior this Christmas and a last one that explains how we've made it through this year.
Listening to Christmas music, enjoying my tree and Nativity sets and feeling so blessed and thankful and at peace. It's been a crazy, hard, chaotic year...but God has been faithful through it all. Don't waste your energy hurting others or worrying or seeking your own gain or focusing on things that don't matter. Spend it wisely in love and compassion and selflessness and serving others. Life is fragile. People are fragile. Please remember that this Christmas and share HIS love with everyone you meet...even when it may not be easy or convenient. Make things right with those in your life that you have wronged...you never know when that moment might be their last or how deeply they have been affected by that hurt. Speak peace and love to those you come in contact with. Be thankful for each breath you are blessed to take. Make sure to tell those you love just how much you love them...before it's too late. And remember God is always there. And He will always love you more than you can fathom and treasure you more than you could ever comprehend. Always.
