FEAR

Fear.  A four letter word I hate more than other four letter words out there.  A four letter word that brings more harm and pain and unrest than any other four letter word.  Four little letters that can bring grown men and women to their knees.  At least this grown woman...

My entire life I have been one of those people who "hope for the best but prepare for the worst."  I have lived afraid to enjoy the good times because I'm afraid that the other shoe is going to drop and a bad time is lurking right around the corner.  This friend will betray me just like the last one did.  This guy is just like all the others who lied.  This situation will end up just like the last one.  I even go so far as to be afraid of being happy, thinking (illogically, I admit) that the very act of being happy and not worried about anything will immediately cause something to go wrong.  Twisted, I know.  Crazy?  I get it.  Illogical?  Of course.  Sinful?  Hmmm.... Hadn't really thought of that.

I get my predisposition to worry and fear honestly.  I come from a line of worriers.  My mom worried.  Her mom worried.  So it honestly is a "learned" behavior (for all you psychology enthusiasts out there) combined with a life that hasn't always dealt the best of hands.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I'm blessed.  Beyond measure.  My life has been a ride down easy street compared to others that I know.  And I am forever grateful for that.  However, I still worry.  Now, my dad?  Not so much a worrier.  Why I didn't take more after him in that area?  Who knows.  So, I worry.  And allow fear to dominate my life.

Until now.  The past several months have brought about some of the most trying times, some of the most delightful times, some of the most unsettled times and some of the most growing times.  Due to a couple of different circumstances in my life, I've been on the roller coaster of emotion.  And I don't just mean the kiddie ride.  Some days I feel like I've ridden the Rocking Roller Coaster at Disney World!  Now, I have actually ridden it.  Twice.  And I liked it.  I overcame my fear, conquered that ugly monster and had a blast.  However, other days have been straight up like the Tower of Terror ride (also at Disney).  I have ridden it.  Once.  Will NEVER do it again.  Not a fear I care to conquer.  And there have been days that have emulated both of those in the past few months.  I've been faced with opportunities, situations, life events that have hurled me from 0 to 60 in 5 seconds...things that have scared me to death but that turned out to be exhilarating and amazing.  Then there have been days when I feel like I'm plummeting to my sure death and have experienced pain and doubt and worry.  Days that have made me physically ill.  

However, in the midst of all of that, God has been working on me.  In a very real and powerful way.  He has used friends, family, my new church family and situations to break me, to mold me, to change me.  It has not been a fun or easy process.  But I'm getting there.  My normal reaction to a difficult situation is to go into full on "freak out mode." (Yes, that is a clinical term...at least to me.)  The cycle goes something like this:  situation occurs that causes me pain or doubt, I immediately think the worst and freak out (definition:  over react, cry, get mad at God, assume the worst, question everything, think illogically).  Then I pray (notice this is one step out of the order it should be in).  Then I calm down and begin to think logically.  God reveals whatever it is I need to see.  I am able to realize either a solution or find a peace about the situation.  Life goes on.  Until something else happens...

I've been stuck in this cycle for years.  Until recently.  Now, any change is going to take time and work.  It's going to hurt.  It's going to be hard.  It's going to take determination and will to ignore the illogical thoughts and replace them with logical ones.  It is going to take faith to trust God has my best interest at heart even when everything around me says differently.  And I don't like it.  But I've reached the point in my life where I refuse to be bound by worry and fear.  I refuse to miss out on happy moments because I'm waiting for the bad to happen.  I refuse to let FEAR have the last word.  And it is a struggle of gigantic proportions.  But I'm getting there.  In the past few months I've learned to switch the steps of that cycle around.  Now, when a trying time or a trial comes my way, my first reaction is to pray.  To seek God's face and fall before Him and lay it all out there.  I ask Him to show me HIS truth in the situation and to give me peace no matter the outcome.  We had a speaker at church the other week who talked about allowing God to shine His light into the dark places of your heart...the places where all the hurt from the past dwells...and to ask Him to heal those parts of you.  It really hit home.  But the kicker is this...  In order for God to do that, I have to be willing to LET GO.  Which is my other issue....

I am a control freak.  Yep, I admit it.  Type A personality all the way.  And there are times it comes in handy.  I can multi-task like nobody's business.  I am organized.  I can plan a calendar so specifically a 2 year old could understand it.  I can put on a play from start to finish including sets and props and costumes and scripts and make sure it runs like clockwork.  So when life doesn't go according to plan, I freak out.  However, I am not in control.  God is.  And in order for Him to heal and work and bring about His miracles, I have to let go of those things I'm hanging onto.  The main reason I don't?  My feeble earthly perception is that if I hold onto it, I can manipulate it into what I think it should be.  That if I let go, God may not do what I want Him to do.  The outcome may not be what I desire.  But guess what?  Every time I try to do it in my own power, in my own way...it NEVER goes well.  I always mess it up.  Royally.  I push things to hurry up before their time.  I seek an answer when I'm not ready to accept the answer just yet.  I am willing to accept less than the best for a momentary pleasure.  I even often hurt others and myself in the process.  God knows what He is doing.  I do not.  It's that simple.  Yes, I can make mundane decisions that don't affect much.  But I'm training myself that, even in the simplest of decisions, I need His guidance and direction.  When I learn that, then I can face whatever comes my way.  If my prayer gets answered the way I want... great.  If it doesn't...great because God has something better or sees something out there I can't yet see.  

So when you add worrying to control freak, you often get a jumbled mess.  It's a never ending cycle of unneeded hurt, illogical thinking and striving for things I have no business striving for.  I waste energy.  I waste resources.  I waste time.  Now, I'm not saying we should sail through life, happy go lucky, not a care in the world.  Life is HARD. Sometimes, it almost kills us.  But over the past few weeks I have discovered something...something that I've heard my whole life.  But something that I've never truly believed or understood until now.

Worry, doubt, fear are all rebellion against God and are sin.  Now yes, there is healthy fear.  The kind that keeps you from getting in a car with a serial killer or keeps you from jumping off the Grand Canyon thinking you'll land safely.  I'm not talking about that kind of fear.  I'm talking about paralyzing fear.  Fear that keeps you up at night, that keeps you from stepping out on faith, that keeps you from living this abundant life God gave us to live.  

Last Wednesday night at church we read a passage from Deuteronomy 1:31-33.  Earlier in the week I had a specific worry and concern.  Brief sidebar:  for those who may not know, I'm embarking on perhaps the scariest yet most fulfilling adventure of my life.  I'm stepping out completely in faith, trusting God and Him alone for His provision and favor and blessing, and starting a private practice and moving at some point to the coast.  This has been a very overwhelming time...overwhelmed at God's goodness and grace.  I have no doubt in my mind the path He is leading me down, and each week (sometimes each day) brings about more confirmation that this is what I'm meant to do and where I need to be headed.  However, there have been concerns along the way.  Worries.  Doubts.  FEAR. And with all He has shown me, I should have none of that.  I will say that I haven't worried like I usually do.  I have a complete peace that passes understanding about the grand scheme of it all.  It's the little day to day things that tend to freak me out.  Some that I have no control over.  Some that I have to completely release into His hands.  My prayer this entire time has been for His will to be done...regardless of if it fits along with mine or not.  Because in His will is the only place I will be truly joyful, happy and secure.

So back to Deuteronomy 1:31-33.  This passage says, "There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place.  IN SPITE OF THIS, YOU DID NOT TRUST THE LORD YOUR GOD, who went ahead of you on your journey, in fire by night and in a cloud by day, to search out places for you to camp and to show you the way you should go.  See that all caps section?  Yeah, it jumped out at me like a rattlesnake out of tall grass!  You see, I have seen God's hand all along my life.  And in this specific situation, I've seen Him do things that there is no other explanation for other than it was God.  I remember I was down on the coast a month ago, and driving back from dinner, we saw a double rainbow stretching out over the water.  And in that moment, I felt God remind me of His promises, of His faithfulness and of His provision.  I made the commitment in that moment not to worry again about any of this.  That lasted about for a couple of weeks before I started to doubt and fear again.  Until this past weekend when I saw the exact same thing in almost the exact same spot.  Now, you can say what you want about signs and wonders and all that.  However, I know that God can use whatever He wants to speak to our hearts.  And He used that rainbow.  And He uses His word daily right now.  

I realized as I drove home from church that night that I had been rebelling against my faithful Father.  I had allowed the sin of fear and worry to shape my life.  And it had to stop.  "In spite of this"...in spite of all the things He has done and continues to do in my life...I did not fully trust Him.  If you read the story leading up to these verses, the Israelites had wandered in the dessert for 40 years.  God had provided for their every need.  They didn't necessarily see where the final destination would be, but God did.  And "in spite of" all of His provision and faithfulness, they did not trust him.  I turn 40 this December.  God has led me for 40 years.  Through valleys.  On mountain peaks.  Through good times and bad.  He's carried me through losing my mom.  He's led me to places I never thought I'd go.  And "in spite of" all of that, I still doubt Him.  How that must break His heart...

I look at it as a child and parent relationship.  Now, I don't have a child of my own.  This is another area in which I am trusting Him.  I see an almost 40 year old with no possibility of having one of my own.  God sees me like he saw Sarah and Hannah and Elizabeth.  He sees His way.  He sees possible.  I long for the day I get the privilege of being called mom.  And yet, as much as I would love my own child, God loves me even more.  He wants HIS best for me, and HIS best blows my best out of the water.  Think of how a child trusts their parent.  Picture a dad swinging his little girl around and then throwing her up in the air and catching her...knowing the joy it brings her and knowing he would never let her fall.  If we being earthly and sinful and flawed love our children that much and take care of our children that much, how much more does God do the same for us?  God has brought me to a place where He is swinging me around and bringing me joy.  But there are days I doubt...will He catch me?  Imagine how you would feel as a parent if your child stopped and asked you that.  What if they doubted that you would catch them?    You know the depth of your love for that child and know you would never let them fall.  In the same way, God's love for me goes beyond comprehension, and He would never let me fall.  Yet, I doubt.  Why?  When He continues to prove Himself faithful time after time after time.  Does He always give me what I want?  No!  And thank goodness!  When I look back on some of the things I prayed for 10 years ago...I'm very thankful He didn't give them to me.  But I also see things He has given me.  Some I've asked for, and others have been sheer surprises that He chose to delight me with.  God wants the best for us.  But that doesn't mean that the best comes easy.  Sometimes it is in the struggles and disappointments of life that He teaches us the most valuable lessons and shapes us into the people He desires us to be.

II Timothy 1:7 says "For God has not given us the spirit of fear but of power and love and a sound mind."  GOD HAS NOT GIVEN US THE SPIRIT OF FEAR.  Let that soak in.  If God hasn't given us the spirit of fear, why do we fear?  Why do we allow something that is NOT of Him, something He did not ordain to infiltrate our life and paralyze us?  Why am I so afraid to let go of what I cannot control and trust Him to do what is best?  Why am I so quick to jump to conclusions and allow illogical thoughts to rule my mind?  Why do I over react before I know all sides to the story?  Why do I freak out?  The answer is plain and simple.  Sin.  We have to put to death the flesh each and every day.  And it is hard.  Just like it is hard for me to say no to french fries and chocolate and fattening food every single day, I know I have to.  They are not good for me.  I have to learn to say no to fear.  No to worry.  No to doubt.  No to illogical thoughts that cause me to over react.  I have to choose...DAILY...to counter those thoughts with only one thought.  Jesus.  That one name holds all the power we need to get through the day and to make it through every situation.  Does it mean every day will be easy?  No.  Does it mean we won't have struggles or problems?  Nope.  Does it mean life will always go my way?  Don't count on it.  Does it mean I'll never fear or doubt again?  I can assure you that won't be the case.  

But if I will bring my mind and my thoughts under HIS control, let go of my need to control and trust that He sees my end from beginning, that He sees and has ordained the path before me...I can learn to live a joyful life.  I can enjoy each moment as it comes.  I can learn to be happy and not worry about what lurks around the corner.  I can learn to "believe the best without assuming the worst."  Even if a tough time comes.  All because I know He holds me safely in His arms and nothing can take me away from Him.  

So I'm working on it.  I'm not where I need to be.  In fact, I just had a moment this afternoon where I freaked out, over reacted and worried about something I saw on Facebook that caused me to question something.  On Facebook, for heaven's sake!  Really? But that is what sin does.  It raises its ugly head and manipulates things to put us in a tailspin.  But I'm growing.  You know how I know?  Because, yes, I had a brief freak out moment when I saw it.  But I immediately began to pray for God to shine His light of truth and bring peace to my heart.  Has it been a constant struggle since this afternoon to fight the illogical thoughts running amok in my brain?  Yep.  But I'm fighting them.  And I'm choosing to believe God and to trust Him...no matter the outcome.  Because let's face it...I ALWAYS mess things up when I follow the "freak out cycle."  But when I let go and trust in the face of uncertainty, God is there.  And where God is love is.  And where love is, fear cannot dwell.  I John 4:18 says, "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment...."  Torment.  I would say that perfectly sums up how I feel when I allow fear to dominate my mind.  So if I allow God's truth and love to dominate my mind, fear has to flee.

Fear still has the power to bring me to my knees.  But these days, it brings me to my knees in prayer and repentance rather than in pain and torment.  It motivates me to seek His truth even more.  I'm learning to trust God because of all He has done rather than to doubt Him in spite of all He has done.  And I'm finally realizing after my "40 years" of fear, that He has not given that spirit of fear to me.  He has given me peace and joy and love.  

My prayer is that if you struggle with allowing fear to dominate your life that you will seek God's face and allow Him to free you from the pain and doubt and worry.  He has such good things in store for us!  I cannot wait to see what all He has planned in these coming months and year...I know it will blow my mind and, if He were to reveal it all to me now, my mind wouldn't be able to comprehend it.  Does it mean He will give me everything I want?  No.  But He will provide everything I need to glorify Him and to live the life He created me to live.  I will trust Him...even when I can't see where the next step is heading...I will take that step in faith, knowing He will provide in His time and His way...then I'll take the next step...and the next...and the next...until He leads me safely home.  I refuse to allow fear to keep me from serving Him.  I long to hear those words, "Well, done, good and faithful servant."  So I'm saying goodbye to striving and fretting and my need to control every aspect of life.  And I'm saying goodbye to fear.  

The Art of Being Still

There is an art to being still.  I have not mastered that art.  My mind runs 1,000 miles a minute.  I analyze everything and reanalyze it.  I try to figure things out often before it's time for me to know what it is I'm trying to figure out.  I think, re-think and then think some more.  My mind is my worst enemy.  And being still is like the unattainable Holy Grail.  

The past couple of months, God has been trying to "help" me master this art, however.  And I don't like it.  He tries this every so often, and every time I fight it.  I know He is trying to work a change within me, but I don't like change.  Well, I do like change...if it's fun or if I can see what the effect of that change will be.  I don't like change that is hard or when I have no idea at all what the purpose of the change is.  But still He works.  I often feel like that piece of pottery that keeps flopping over as the potter tries to mold it...that stubborn piece that just won't mold into the shape it's supposed to.  But, ever patient, God keeps molding.  ("So I went down to the potter’s house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him."  Jeremiah 18:3-4)

I told my friend the other day that I feel like I'm in a state of being unsettled.  I am honestly at a point in my life where I have no idea where the road is leading.  I know things that I want to happen, people I want to have in my life, my dreams and goals for my future.  However, I see no clear direction.  At all.  The past couple of months I have questioned, doubted, cried, laughed, talked, prayed.  And yet, God seems to remain silent. I know He is there.  But He is silent.  And it's in these moments that I need to be still and know.  Did I mention I'm not good at being still?

I have three trimesters left of grad school, and while I'm excited about the end being near, I am beginning to question where I go from here.  There will be decisions to make and change will happen.  I turn 40 this year.  And my life is so different from what I thought it would be by now.  Not bad...just different.  I'm thankful for the things I've experienced and accomplished in my almost 40 years.  But those deepest desires have yet to be fulfilled.  I want to start a private practice soon.  And there are more decisions to be made and more change.  And I feel unsettled and feel like I don't really have a clear direction right now.  There are several questions to be answered before I can know which path to take.  Questions that I ask God daily.  Questions that still have no answer.  Questions that, so far, God has chosen to remain silent about.

Like I said, the past couple of months He has been working on me.  I'm learning to be patient (my weakest attribute by far) and wait on Him.  I'm learning not to jump to conclusions.  I'm learning to not do the same thing I've always done.  And the hardest?  I'm learning to change my thought patterns and trying to bring my thoughts (which are my worst enemy) under His control.  And I can see change taking place.  Not the fun, easy kind.  This change has been difficult, tough and sometimes knocks me down.  But I know it is for the good.  I know it is all part of God making me into the woman He made me to be.  And I'm learning to be thankful for these "growing" times...even though I don't like them when I'm smack in the middle of them.

Which brings me back to being still.  I pray constantly.  That is one thing I've learned to do...to pray without ceasing.  Though at times, I am sure God would like a break.  I know I'm one of His "problem children" at times.  But I pray.  There is the story of a judge in the Bible who finally answered a woman's request because of her persistence. (Luke 18:1-7)  And I have taken that story to heart.  When I pray, I am persistent.  Probably to a fault.  It's not that I don't think God heard me the first time or that He needs reminding.  But it is through that persistent prayer that I find peace.  But I often find I'm the one doing a lot of the talking.  Yes, God speaks to my heart and gives me peace when I'm at the bottom and my emotions are running amok.  But I rarely take time to be still and just sit in His presence.

Psalm 46:10 says, "Be still and know that I am God..."  I know that God is God, that He is all powerful, that He has my best interests and the best interests of those I pray for at heart.  But do I really KNOW God?  Do I really take the time to be still just let Him show me His power and mercy and love?  Life gets so crazy and so busy, and we sometimes need breaks from life, from the routines, from the chaos, from the bad news, from the trouble, from the good and the bad...we need time with our Father.  It is in these times we find strength to deal with life.  

So I'm learning to be still.  This is not my favorite part of God's work in me.  But I know He is working something greater for my good.  I don't like to wait.  And God knows that about me.  But He also knows that what He is working out for me, the things I can't see, the things I don't understand...those things are far greater and more important than my dislike of waiting.  So He would rather me suffer a little over waiting than miss out on what He has planned for my life.  

So I wait...  And learn the art of being still.  

Be Still And Know by Steven Curtis Chapman

I Will Listen by Twila Paris

I Will Not Be Moved

Wow!  It has been almost a year since my last post.  And I have missed it.  Not that I haven't had a lot to write about.  I have.  But I guess work and school and life have kept me pretty busy.  

The past year has been a roller coaster.  (Of course when have I not had a roller coaster year.)  I've had some really high highs and some really low lows.  As I read back over a few of my previous posts, I keep seeing the same pattern and same struggles.  You would think I would have learned those lessons by now.  And I will say that I have gotten better at some of those things.  But I've learned that the thorns in my flesh, as Paul wrote about, are my anxiety and worry and insecurity.  Am I really enough?  It's a question that runs through my head at least once a week, if not more. 

I've shared many times before the true desires of my heart...marriage and family and children being at the very top.  I've also got other desires like opening a private practice and doing something with theatre and drama in some type of charity work for kids.  And then there are the everyday desires like being a good friend, a good daughter, a good employee.  And while I know I am very blessed, I still wonder why God allows some things into our lives.  Things that are hurtful or confusing or painful.  

Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope."  Romans 8:28 says that all things work together for our good.  And I believe this to be true.  I trust my God to provide all that I need.  I trust that He is working things out for my good.  But there are days that I have my doubts.  

There are days when I question Him.  A lot.  Why does He allow heartache?  Why does He allow sickness?  Why does He allow loss?  Why does He allow all these things that bring us pain?  I know we live in a broken world.  I know that sin is all around.  I know that things will never be right this side of heaven.  But I still wonder why He allows things that start out as good and wonderful to turn into things that are sad and hurtful.  My human reasoning thinks that if He knows a situation is going to turn out badly, He should just not allow it to happen in the first place.  If He knows our heart has been broken beyond repair many times before, He shouldn't allow someone else to break it again.  If He knows that someone has had more than their share of hurt and loss, He should give them a break and bless them with some good things.  If He knows that someone has already lost one parent at a young age, He shouldn't take the other parent too early.  And the list goes on...

But God is God.  And His ways and His thoughts are higher than mine.  He doesn't call me to understand.  He calls me to trust.  He doesn't call me to try to reason things with my human mind.  He calls me to trust even when things don't make sense.  I don't understand.  And there have been times I've let Him know that.  There are times that I've gotten mad at Him.  And yes, I do tell Him.  But He understands.  And He loves me still and gently holds me without condemnation or judgement until the tears stop and the anger and fear subside.  Because that's what Fathers do.

Matthew 7:11 says, "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"  I have been blessed with an amazing earthly father.  I know it is a blessing because I have friends who have had some pretty rotten dads.  And when I read this verse, I realize that as amazing and supportive and giving as my own dad is, God is so much more.  And if I believe that, then I have to believe Jeremiah 29:11 and Romans 8:28.  I have to believe that He does have a plan, that He is working all things for my good and the He WILL give me the desires of my heart.  My anxiety and doubt and questions come when those things don't come in my time.  But to trust Him means to trust His timing.  God is never late.  Ever.

I don't know why I'm approaching 40 and marriage and children still haven't come into my life.  Especially when I have friends younger than me who are getting to experience both.  I don't know why my mom passed away before I could experience those things with her here.  I don't know why I often feel that I am not enough.  I have had some moments of tears and crying out to God to ask why.  And I have yet to receive an answer to that.  (Of course, if He did answer me I'd probably die from heart failure on the spot!)  But I come back to the fact that I have to trust.  My faith is not based on what God does for me on a daily basis or on what wishes He can grant.  My faith is based on a love that went all the way to the cross to die for me.  A love that conquered death and hell and rose again so that I might live forever.  

Will I ever get those desires of my heart?  I truly hope so.  And I hope it happens soon.  But my focus has to be on Him rather than on those desires.  And I'm afraid that my focus sometimes wavers.  More often than not, my focus lies on that which I don't have, that which I want so badly.  But I'm working on that.  It's a daily struggle.  Wait, make that an hourly struggle.  

I don't understand life.  I don't understand why things can be so, so good and in one moment turn so, so bad.  I don't understand why things happen as they do.  But I do trust the One who understands and who is working it all out for my good.  

The past couple of weeks there have been a couple of songs that have truly spoken to my heart.  "Broken Praise" from The Story...it's a song based on the life of Job, and it has really been pertinent to my state of mind these past couple of weeks.  Another one is "I Will Not Be Moved" by Natalie Grant.  It talks about how life has been hard and bitterness has reared its ugly head.  But no matter what happens I stand on Christ and will not be moved. 

My prayer (for you and myself) is that whatever life is throwing at you right now you will seek refuge and shelter in the Father's arms and that you will learn to trust and not be moved...no matter what.  That whatever struggle or doubt you face you will know you are deeply loved by the One who gave it all to save you.

Broken Praise

I Will Not Be Moved

Moving Heaven and Earth

As I write this blog entry, I am overwhelmed at two things.  One is how great God is in His provision, power, love and ability to surprise the socks off me.  The other is how I often forget that His plan and provision and love is sufficient.  It seems I never will learn that lesson, yet He continues to bless me beyond measure.


About a month ago, I was at our regional music therapy conference with some friends and students.  My friend and I were talking and it came up that my apartment lease was up in June and that I needed to remember to renew it.  My friend mentioned that she was interested in renting out her house so that she could move closer to work and stop commuting.  She really loved the house and wanted to keep it but would have to rent it out to be able to keep it while also renting herself.  So I told her I would come look at it, but at that point I was kind of thinking I wasn't that interested.  Little did I know that God was working out something that I was yet unaware of.


My friend had to leave the conference early due to her grandmother's illness and eventual passing (please continue to pray for her and her family).  I came back home and resumed my routine.  We talked several times over the next couple of weeks...about losing someone so special, about life, about TV shows, about other routine things.  And I kind of forgot about the house.  But then she asked me to come look at it.  So I did.  And I fell in love with it!  It was more than I could ever imagine I would want in a house and the rent was cheaper than what I was currently paying.  I asked all the questions about cost of electricity, insurance and everything else I needed to know.  And the other bonus is that the set up of the house is perfect for starting a private music therapy practice...complete with a room I can use as my office/session room and doors to shut off the rest of the house when clients are there.  I went home and began praying that God would give me guidance as whether or not to rent the house.  I knew I wanted it, but I also knew that I wanted to look at it realistically and not rush into something based on feeling.


I called my dad, and he was excited about it and also began praying about it.  Over the next week, God began to show me in the strangest and most exciting ways that this was something He had been working out for me.  Things from money to issues at my apartment to finding out that my college roommate has family that lives right down the street to friends who are willing to help me move.  The other issue we had to pray about was that my friend would find a house to live in where she worked.  So we did.  And she has received a very promising lead that will hopefully pan out this week (please be praying).  


Some may think that this is no big deal...I'm just renting a house.  But I see so much more!  I see how before I even knew it, God was working out something that was so much better for me than I had planned.  See, my plan was to just rent an apartment until I finished grad school and then see where life took me.  I knew that I wanted to stay in this area and that I would eventually want a house.  And I've been ok in the apartment...but it has never felt like home.  I feel like I'm in a dorm.  And though I never really voiced that until now, the Lord knew that and began planning something better.  Somewhere I could feel like I was home and could entertain and cook and sit in my backyard and see music therapy clients.  I see now that God has been in the details even before I knew I wanted a house.


I have just been overwhelmed this week at how good God is.  Life has been tough these last few years, and there have been times I wanted to give up, times I've been upset with God, times I've doubted.  But over and over, God shows His love and provision in ways I cannot even imagine...even in the midst of pain and sorrow and heartache.  And I'm trying to learn this lesson.  And at times I feel like a spoiled child who just isn't satisfied.  I know God has blessed me beyond what I deserve, but there are still a couple of desires I have in my heart that I wish He would provide.  Don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful...beyond what I can express.  But I still long for those things.


However, God has used this past week and this situation with this house to show me in a very concrete way that His plans for my life far outweigh any I could have for my life.  That doesn't mean I don't have days where I still doubt or wonder.  Last night, I had a conversation with a couple other of my single friends wondering where the godly men were and why God hadn't brought them to us yet.  And then I watched Courageous (if you haven't seen this movie, do it!) this morning and found myself again wondering where men with that kind of integrity and faith and compassion are or, if they are out there, why aren't they interested in me.  I know they must be out there somewhere, but I still question why God hasn't blessed me with the one He has for me yet.  But I know He has his reasons.  I know His plans are higher and better than my own.  I know that my God has something wonderful in store for me.  


And if this past week is any indication, I know that when He does provide this desire of my heart, He is going to blow me away with how He does it.  So I rest in Him, "expectantly hopeful" that He is, even right now, working on my behalf, willing to move heaven and earth to provide and show me how much He loves me.  I am so thankful...thankful for parents who raised me to have faith in such an amazing God, who demonstrated in front of me what a Christian marriage should be and who loved me in such a way as to be a true example of God's love for me.  


So I'm waiting expectantly, knowing that if God is willing to give me things I didn't even know I wanted in such an amazing way, He will also provide the desires of my heart...  But until then, "I'll run into Your arms, the riches of Your love will always be enough..."





PS:  This is the final scene from Courageous...and this is the kind of man I am asking God to send my way.

The Time In Between

Today as I was driving back from a visit home, I was blasting some music and singing at the top of my lungs and having a grand old time.  I love music.  It is my life.  I was born into a musical family and even chose a music based career (music therapy) as my life's work.  I find such power in music and am always amazed at how God can use a song that I've listened to over and over and over again and show me something new.

My last post was written out of a dark place where I just felt like I was watching everyone else receive the deepest desires of their heart while I just sat and got passed by.  Even though I'm in a much better place now, I still have moments where I feel that way.  However, today, driving back, God spoke to my heart through a song...as He often does.

I was listening to Francesca Battistelli.  I love her music and love to sing along to it.  A lot of her songs have powerful messages.  And one in particular had the message I needed to hear today.  "The Time In Between' is song that I have listened to and sung over and over.  I've always loved it, and I've listened and read the lyrics many times.  However, today was different.

The song talks about the importance of the time in between events...the time in between Jesus' birth and death and the time He spent in between the two thieves on the cross and how those moments shaped Christianity and our lives forever.  But it was the middle verse that stood out to me today.

As I've said before, Psalm 37:4 is one of my favorite verses and a promise of hope from God Himself.  It says that if we delight in the Lord He will give us the desires of our heart.  Now, I have studied this verse and thought of all the things it could mean...does it mean that He places the desires He has for us in our hearts or does he grant us the deepest desires we have for ourselves...and I believe it means a little of both.  I've prayed that God would place His desires in my heart and that He would give me those things I so desperately want.  Not things like material things...but things like a husband and children, things like a place where I can use music and counseling to help families affected by poverty and all that brings with it.  Things like those that are not simply material things but things that I feel I was placed here to do or be a part of.  And while I feel I'm on my way to some of those desires, there are others that seem so distant and make me wonder if I'll ever have them.

So back to the song.  Like I mentioned earlier, my last post was kind of dark and depressing.  But the devil has a way of attacking me in this area...by trying to tell me that Psalm 37:4 wasn't meant for me, by telling me that God is leaving me out of the happiness He bestows on others, by telling me I'm not worthy enough or good enough or pretty enough or thin enough or talented enough or whatever else I happen to be struggling with on any given day.  And he hits hard!  So today when I started singing along to the middle verse of this song, it was like God said, "see, I do have your best in mind and I WILL give you those desires in MY time and in MY way...even when you don't understand...and no matter what the devil tries to tell you, trust ME for every desire of your heart...both big and small."

See it's in these times of waiting that we grow and develop into the people God made us to be.  It's not easy, and it's not fun.  And I spend many days wondering what the purpose in the waiting is.  But just as the potter places the clay on the wheel and forms it and then has to fire it in the fire to make it shine, God is forming and molding and shaping me.  And even though I don't understand it or see it, there is a purpose in the waiting.  And I have a choice.  I can listen to the voice of the enemy or I can listen to the voice of my Father.  On good days, that's an easy choice.  But on those bad days, it's hard to drown out the lies and hear the truth.

The song says, "Don't take much for this crazy world to rob me of my peace.  And the enemy of my soul says You're holding out on me.  So I stand here lifting empty hands for You to fill me up again.  But it's the time in between that I fall down to my knees waiting on what You'll bring.  And the things that I can't see.  I know my song's incomplete so I'll sing in the time in between."

So here I sit...still waiting.  And waiting.  And waiting.  And I now that my song is incomplete...and until HE chooses to complete it, I'll keep singing.  And trusting.  And believing that He, who is my soul's deepest desire and who loves me more than I could ever comprehend, will bless me and fulfill me with every desire of my heart.

Struggling

Warning:  This post is not my usual chipper, uplifting, see the silver lining kind of post.  :)  Maybe by the time I get to the end it will turn into that...we'll see...

I'm struggling.  Bad.  It's been a tough weekend leading into this week.  And I'm tired of struggling.  But we are not home yet and struggle is the name of the game for now.

I am single.  I am 38 years old.  I lost my mom almost four years ago.  I have no children.  I have so many dreams for what I want in this life.  However, here I sit.  At 38.  Single.  No children.  No Momma.  And not any closer to where I thought I'd be by now than I was five years ago.

This past weekend I holed up in my apartment...which I know is not smart for me to do.  Several years ago I was diagnosed with depression.  I took some medication, went to counseling and got better.  And it is something I continue to struggle with from time to time.  I have become better at identifying what sets it off, what can lead to it and what I can do to stop it when I feel it coming on.  Like NOT sit in my apartment by myself for over 48 hours straight.

The weekend started out fine.  I cooked like a Paula Deen wannabe.  I cleaned.  I did laundry.  I attempted to do homework.  And I slept.  However, as the weekend wore on, I became more and more homesick and depressed and sad and angry.  I can truly look back at my move last summer and see that God had a hand in it.  Things worked out too well for Him not to have been in control.  However, since that time, my family has been dealt some hard blows. (I've written about that in previous posts and won't rehash it here.)  And as I usually do, I play my part as the stoic one, trying to make sure everyone else is ok and keeping busy so I don't have to deal with how I feel.

See, I'm a stuffer.  I stuff feelings.  The year after my mom died, I spent almost a year stuffing down feelings.  I did whatever I could not to think about it.  And the outcome was not pretty.  So the grief process took me about twice as long as it should have.  See, feelings have to come out...either now or later.  And if they come out later it can be pretty harsh.  So all through last year, I stuffed.  Again.  And again.  And again.  And it all came rushing out this weekend.

So I sat.  I thought.  I pondered.  And I sunk deeper and deeper into the pit of loneliness, self pity, anger and doubt.  Then to top it all off, I had a dream Sunday night that I was shopping for my wedding dress with my Momma.  Talk about a punch in the stomach!  For years, while she was still living, I prayed that God would allow her to live long enough to see me married and to see her grandchildren and to see what God had in store for me.  And then she was gone.  Before any of that took place.  I was angry for a long time about that.  I thought I had dealt with that.  But after that dream, all that anger and hurt and questioning came flooding back.

One of my favorite verses is Psalm 37:4 - "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."  I have long clung to this verse.  Not in the way of "God will give me whatever I want."  But more in the way that if I live in Him and seek His way He will in His time give me the desires He has placed within my heart.  I kept reminding myself of this promise.  And I have questioned it before...but never as much as I do now.

See, life's not fair (not that you had any doubt).  It's not fair that I don't have my Momma hear to help me pick out wedding dresses.  It's not fair that idiots who abuse their children and who drive in cars without putting them in car seats and who call their children names get to have children while I sit here childless.  It's not fair that people can be on their second marriage (due to death or divorce) while I haven't experienced my first (and hopefully only) marriage.  It's not fair that people can talk about how their mother gets on their nerves while I just wish I could pick up a phone and hear her voice again.  It's not fair that I've just seen my own daddy and three of my cousins experience the same loss of their moms this past year.  It's just not fair.  And that makes me sad and upset.

Trust me.  I've heard all the pat answers.  "God will work all things out in His time."  (Yes, I know.  But this doesn't help while I sit still waiting.)  "When you stop looking, the right guy will come along."  (People come on!  Really? I haven't been "looking" for years.)  "You need to focus on what God has blessed you with and stop looking at what you don't have." (Uh, huh.)  "You can have the good memories."  (I don't want memories.  I want my Momma!).  And on and on they go.  And I, too, have been guilty of saying these exact things to other people.  But they don't help.  And my most hated phrase of all - "I know just how you feel."  Um, no, you don't.  You aren't me...so you have no idea how I feel.  Just as I have no idea how you feel.

When you are in the pit of the despair and pain, words mean very little.  What you really need is a friend to listen, to let you cry, to let you scream and to just be there.  To say "I don't have the answers.  I don't know what to say.  But I will be here to hold your hand until you get through this."  I know people mean well, but sometimes those words only make it worse. Sometimes we just need to be.  Just to sit and cry and scream and be honest with God.  Sometimes we need a "Jonathan."  My cousin, Kimmie, sent me the sweetest text today and told me to read I Samuel 18:1-3.  Jonathan loved David as he loved himself.  We all need people who love us unconditionally and who are there through the tough times.

This morning driving to work, there was thick fog everywhere.  And the songs that I kept playing over and over were Steven Curtis Chapman's "Jesus Will Meet You There" and "I Will Trust You."  And God spoke so clearly to my heart.  Just as I couldn't see the road very far ahead of me, I knew that my destination was there.  And I knew He could see beyond what I could.  And He knew where He was leading me.  But at that moment I could only go so far.  And He was willing to meet me there and guide me the rest of the way.

And that is how life is.  During this moment of struggle, I can't move.  I can't see beyond the fog.  I can't see how all of this is working out for my good.  I don't understand why God has withheld from me the things that I so deeply desire.  Not things that I want just to have.  Not material things.  But actual desires I truly believed He placed in my heart.  I know He gives and He takes away.  But I'm getting a little tired of the taking away part.  Or the withholding part.

And God understands.  Jesus will and does meet me in that moment.  In this moment.  And He asks for nothing but honesty and trust.  See I don't question my faith.  I know beyond the shadow of a doubt I have been saved by the blood of Jesus.  I know beyond the shadow of a doubt I will see my family again.  I know beyond the shadow of a doubt He is with me every step of the way.  My faith isn't what is waivering.  My doubt comes in when I think back over Psalm 37:4 and wonder why I haven't received those desires...some of which I will never receive.  I doubt that some of those promises are meant for me.  My head knows they are.  But my heart is broken and a little skeptical right now.

And that's ok.  See, we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalities and darkness and forces of evil.  And I know this very well.  I am an emotional, passionate person.  When I feel something, I feel it with every fiber of my being.  And while this is who God made me, the devil also knows this...and he loves to torment me in this area of my life.  I guess you could say this is becoming the "thorn in my flesh" as Paul struggled with.  He begged God to take it away, but He never did.  So this battle is not against man.  It's against a force we cannot see.  And it's brutal.  And exhausting.

But we are not home yet.  We were not made for this world. And as I sit here, still struggling, still hurting, still questioning, still doubting...I know that He is here in the midst of it all.  I know that I am not ever going to be comfortable here.  And maybe that was the purpose of this past weekend and few days.

See, I'm sad that I don't have a family of my own yet.  I'm sad that my mom won't be here if I ever do get that.  I'm sad that there is so much pain in this world and I can't do anything to ease that pain.  But I'm not home.  I'm not meant to be content here.  This past weekend I so, so missed my family.  And still do.  I ached to see them and hear their voices.  I miss my dad.  I miss Bryce and Noah.  I miss everyone else back home.  I'm homesick.  But as more and more of us move from here (earth) to there (heaven), I'm becoming homesick for my real home.  Because I also ache to see my loved ones there and to hear their voices again.  And I'm so ready to see my Father and have every question answered and every doubt erased.

I'm so thankful that no matter my struggle, no matter how angry I get, no matter how I argue that life is not fair, God never waivers.  He is there, and He is faithful.  And He understands.  He can handle my anger, my questions, my doubts and even my arguing with Him.  The Bible is full of stories of people who struggled.  People who questioned.  People who doubted.  People who argued with God.  And in that, we are all kin, this human race of ours.

Will I ever get the desires of my heart?  I have no idea.  The way it's looking lately, I'm thinking probably not anytime soon.  But then I'm reminded that the greatest desire of my heart is eternity in heaven with my Savior and Father and Creator.  And that far outweighs any other desire I have.  And I have to trust Him even when I don't like where the road is leading.  Because only He can see through the fog of this life and lead me, through the struggle, safely home.

Jesus Will Meet You There


I Will Trust You


Where I Belong

It's A New Year...Finally!

Happy 2012!  My prayer this year is that it is way better, less painful, more joyful, less loss, more laughter than 2011.  But my verse I'm trying to focus on this year is Job 1:21.  Whether the Lord gives or takes away, blessed be His name.  Trusting that His plans far outweigh my own.  And I've decided I'm done making New Year's resolutions or trying to "fix" myself...because I'm me and I will always be me.  At 38 I'm finally accepting that and embracing the person God created me to be.

So, with that being said, I've made a "Things I Want To Do" list for this year.  Along with not making resolutions, I also don't want to make a bucket list.  I'm one of those people who has to work in small increments...lose 10 pounds at a time, complete one assignment at a time, make a list and focus on taking care of each thing one at a time.  If not, I get overwhelmed and sit spinning my wheels.  And if I make a bucket list, I'll keep putting off doing the things on it.  So, my new goal is to make a list of things I want to do for the year.

This post is probably a little less "spiritual" than my usual blog posts.  At least in the sense that I am not focusing on a specific verse or song or whatever.  But I believe God is God even of the mundane, simple, everyday things of life, too.  And once you see this list...you will realize I'm going to need a miracle to accomplish some of these... :)  So here goes...  (This is in no particular order.)

1.  Trust God more.  Stop doubting that He has my best interests at heart.  He WILL give me the desires of my heart...in HIS time.  Knowing that He has not forgotten me, and He knows the number of the hairs on my head.  Even when I don't believe it...even when I doubt it...even when worry sets in.  This is going to require a LOT of prayer and seeking Him...especially in those times when life doesn't make sense.

2.  Go Ziplining.  Now if you know me, you are probably shaking your head and saying, "What??"  Yes, I am afraid of heights.  But I also know this looks exhilarating and fun.  And part of that goal of trusting God more includes not being afraid anymore.  So I want to go ziplining.  Anyone want to go with me?

3.  Take a trip to Seattle.  I've always wanted to go...amazing music and art scene.  And I have a friend who lives there and has invited me numerous times to come visit.  But I always find an excuse to put it off.  Not this year.  If I can afford it, I'm going.  So Sang...get ready, cause here I come!

4.  Buy a bicycle and start riding.  I've been wanting to buy a good bike for awhile now.  I was always afraid to ride down my road back home because we lived in the country and people drove like crazy people down our road.  However, now that I've moved, I know there is a biking trail close to where I live.  I would love to find someone to ride with...because it's always more fun and safer with a friend.  But even if I don't...I'm going to push myself to do it anyway.  Which is another part of that first goal of trusting God more...not being afraid to do things by myself...or maybe that needs to be a goal all of it's own...so...

5.  Not being afraid to get out and do things on my own.  I'm a shy person by nature.  I just do better when I have someone to do something with.  But life has turned out that I am on my own often.  So I would like to push myself to get out there.  Whether it's going shopping, riding my bike, trying a new church, going to a movie or concert or show, going to eat at Olive Garden if I get a craving for it...whatever it is...to not be afraid to do things by myself from time to time.

6.  To be more active, lose weight and get healthier.  This is often a goal, but this year I'm trying to change my mindset so it sticks this time.  I'm starting Nutri System to help jumpstart this and plan on making activity part of each day...not necessarily formal exercise.  Because I hate to exercise.  But if I can make it fun...like walking with a friend or riding a bike or whatever...I'm more apt to do it.  I'm not getting any younger and I've got to take care of myself.  I'm also approaching it from the standpoint that my body is the temple of the Lord...and filling it with crappy food and not being active is a sin.  I've got to do better with this.  And I feel better when I'm healthy.

7.  Go abseiling.  Again, if you know me, this has you scratching your head.  But it looks very cool!  If you don't know what this is...it's basically rappelling down the side of a cliff. I don't know if I can do it, but it looks so empowering to try.  So again, any takers who want to go with me?  I know I need to take care of #6 before I can try this one...

8.  Declutter and organize.  I am the queen of clutter.  I mean, I keep my apartment clean and try to put everything in its place.  But I'm also a stacker.  I keep stuff in stacks...and I know exactly what stack something is in.  But I'm trying to work on this.  A fellow music therapist introduced me to the 2012 Declutter and Organize Calendar.  And she started a group on Facebook where we can talk about it!  This helps you do one thing each day so that hopefully by the end of the year you are organized and the clutter is gone.  This has always been a losing battle...but not this year.  As my life gets busier, I need more order to function.  And if you know me, you know how OCD, ADD and Type A I am.  :)  So this will be a wonderful thing!

9.  Complete my guest room.  I have a spare room that right now houses the boxes I have yet to unpack (see #8).  This year I want to take some time to clean it, decorate it and set it up.  It will kind of double as an office, too.  That way when my dad or Bryce and Noah or whoever comes to visit (and you better come visit) they have an actual room with a bed to stay in.

10.  Find a creative outlet for singing, playing and sharing music.  I would love to find a group of people to hang out with and just jam with.  I learn so much when I just play with other musicians.  I'm not that great on guitar, but I'm improving.  And I love to sing.  So I want to find some folks who share my passion for music and who just like hanging out and jamming.  And maybe even do a performance or two...

11.  Get back to writing songs.  When I was younger, I used to write songs all the time.  Granted, they weren't always good.  But I loved it and it helped to get stuff out rather than stuff it.  So this year, I want to get back to writing.  Now that I'm a much better guitar player...well the fact that I actually play now...I want to make writing songs a priority.  Even if no one else hears them, I'll know I wrote them.  And maybe one day God will bless me with the opportunity to share them.

12.  Begin some type of volunteer/community work.  My dream is to one day open my own music therapy/counseling practice and provide services for people living in poverty, struggling with addiction and who are affected by HIV/AIDS.  I did some music groups with children at Hope House in Memphis, TN for about a year.  These kids touched my life so deeply, and God used this opportunity to show me His heart for people struggling with these things.  I'd love to also have some type of community center for children affected by these things, as well.  So, if I'm going to do this one day, I need to get out there and learn and meet people and start doing my part to make a difference.  I still want to work with people with intellectual disabilities, too...and  I know that those with disabilities who are also affected by poverty don't have the resources they need.  So this year, I want to find somewhere to volunteer some time and music therapy services and give back.

13.  Start looking into adoption.  This is a biggie!  My life is nowhere near where I thought it would be at 38 years old.  The plan was to be married and have at least 4 kids by now.  But I make plans, and God laughs.  Because He has something so much better.  But here I sit desperately wanting to be a wife and a mother...and I don't see either one in the near future.  The wife part?  I can't really do anything about that...well, I could...but I don't believe in getting married just to get married, and I'm picky and refuse to settle for less than God's best for me.  So I guess I'll just have to trust He'll give me that desire of my heart at some point...hopefully sooner than later...but I'll just have to wait and see.  As for the mother part?  That, I can do something about.  I really do believe that a child should have two parents if at all possible.  However, I also know there are children out there who need a good home, and I know I would be a good mom.  So, I'm praying about this and weighing my options.  I've wanted to adopt a little girl from China for years now...and even started the process awhile back.  But due to finances and life circumstances it just didn't happen.  So I'm going to look into that again.  I also would love to adopt a child with Down's syndrome or special needs.  Yes, I know it is a life long commitment...but I know I can do it.  Especially if God calls me to do it.  Who knows?  Maybe God will bring me someone wonderful along the way and we can do this together (and maybe have one of our own)...but if not, I'm not going to let that stop me.  God knows His plans...and I will trust Him.

14.  To do better at applying myself in grad school.  It still sounds weird that I'm even in grad school.  And I haven't done badly.  I just want to do better and apply myself more and stop procrastinating assignments.  Of course, I also accept the fact that being a procrastinator is just part of who I am, and I always do better work under pressure.  But that also brings a lot of unneeded stress.  So I'm going to work on that.

15.  Go parasailing.  Again.  I have been once, and it was amazing!  My fear of heights totally disappeared.  It was the most peaceful and beautiful experience...kind of like what I imagine it would be like if you could fly.  Again, I'll be glad to have someone go with me!

16.  To update my blog on a more regular basis.  The reason I started this blog in the first place was because I love to write, or rather NEED to write.  And I felt God leading me to share with others what He has shown to me.  My hope is that the reader will find at least one sentence that helps them in some way.  I know there have been times I've gone through something and just being able to know someone else has been there too has been what got me through it.  We are not alone in this journey of life.  The Bible tells us we are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses that cheers us on.  And I believe we are to help each other along this journey.  So if even one person has their spirits lifted, finds an answer, feels less alone...I've accomplished my goal in writing.  So I want to make a commitment to update more.

Well, that is the list!  As I've written, it's grown.  And it is a lot to accomplish in a year.  But with God's help, I know I can do it.  See, it's more about what His plans are for me anyway.  This past year has shown me that.  The last few years have been tough...full of pain and loss and hurt.  But there have also been good moments...times of laughter and joy and new things.  God makes beauty out of the ashes of this life.

I hope that 2012 will be a year full of the beauty God is making out of my ashes and out of your ashes.  Happy New Year!